Jan 27: I'm still here (in more ways than one)

Greetings fat sympathizers!

It has been too long, n'estle's-pas? Well, not to get all insecure or whatever, but I was starting to get a feeling like, meeehhh, we, teh internet, are losing interest in you losing weight. I didn't take it personally. It has been nearly a century since I started this thing. Initially I had plans to talk about lots of related topics like mindful eating, body image, depression and food... stuff like that. After awhile though, it seemed like I was just posting an update once in awhile of how much weight I'd lost that week. Felt like things was gittin stale.

In the meantime, my boyfriend set up a blog for me as a Christmas gift this year, where I could write about all kinds of stuff, not just weight loss. Check it out, if you like: The Green Couch (yes, the very same). I've had fun filling it with musings about stupid stuff.

But I find that I miss my old friend, D-Weighted! And it's not like I've given up on the struggle. (If that's the only prerequisite to maintaining this, I'll be posting new content well into the next century, assuming modern medicine continues to find ways to drag life out.) So, an update!

As per subject line, I am still here. I checked my last blog, from September 22. My weight then was 149.8. Four months later, my weight is now 148.2. Argh. Well, I did manage to get down to 144, but then Christmas happened. After Christmas, there was Christmas recovery. I basically indulged in a very old coping mechanism of shutting down and stuffing down. Feelings and food. So I gained around 10 pounds. Lost the first 5 in a week, so it was really only a net gain of 5. But as we all know, it comes off a lot slower than it goes on. So I am doing my best to let go of my disappointment in myself and just look forward. Continue with a lifestyle that has been working well for me, chipping away at the wobbly bits.

By the way, I more or less completed the C25K program and ran the 5K race at the end of October (that's me on race day). My time was 33:52. Not exactly ssssmokin, but I got 'er done. If you double it, it's close to my best time ever for the 10K race.

Also, I got these stupid Zaggora Hot Pants, which I blogged about on The Green Couch. Despite my sheepish after-the-fact belief that this is most likely a scam, I am giving them a go. As they are weight loss related, I will do a follow-up blog here on D-Weighted sometime in the future. If for no other reason than to continue to provide L-Mac with material with which to mock me.

Sep 22: Break on through to the other side!

Well good gracious you adorable weblets!

This week, a significant milestone: re-entry into the 140s zone. Whoa, nelly it's been ages since I've been here. Place looks pretty much the same way I left it. Put on some old size 12 pants this a.m. and they not only fit, they were comfortably roomy. Ladies and gentleman, we have reached the closet re-integration stage. I am starting to wear stuff I haven't even looked at in 3 years. Flipside is, I tried to wear a skirt I bought in January and it was resting on my hips. Nice skirt, too. Ah well, these are problems I don't mind having

So yeah. Lost 2.8 in the last 2 weeks, putting me at 149.8. I love that - just barely teetering on the side of the 140s, but hellz, I'll take it. This is the lowest I have been since starting this blog so I'm feeling pretty optimistic

The C25K thing is fantastic. I'm in week 5 now, which is run 5 mins, walk 3, run 5, walk 3, run 5. Next week I have to run 8 mins. And then all of a sudden it jumps to running 25, with no walk breaks. WTF? I am trying not to panic at the thought of it. I've been doing a 5k run on a treadmill once a week, in addition to the three outdoor runs with the C25K app, so I can be ready for my 5K run at the end of October. My cardio/lung capacity is definitely improving, and I think the extra exercise may be boosting my metabolism too.

I celebrated by buying new shoes.

Sep 1: Unprecedented!

Good Thursday, you chubby delights!

I am back from a week of fellowshipping with some of the great people of our time. Shout out to Snag, Marathon Jan, Pants, LuckyDawg, the girls, and of course, the Big Miaouw.

I am also back from the typically dreaded post-vacation weigh in at Dub Dub. You'd better sit down for this. Not only did I NOT gain weight, not only did I LOSE the extra 1.2 pounds that had ignorantly crept back onto my child-bearing hips that have never borne any creatures... in fact I lost 2.2 pounds! OUTSTANDING!

I had a really full 11 days of vacation, starting with a visit to the Canadian National Exhibition with the Miaouw. We indulged in a plate of what I can only describe as "primal" french fries, then wandered the infamous Food Building, aghast and yet drooling at the excess surrounding us.

We had planned to emulate Templeton the Rat from Charlotte's Web, but found we just didn't have the (expandable) stomach for it. So we skipped the donut cheeseburger, the deep fried peanut butter and jam sandwiches, and we even managed to say no to the deep fried butter. This towering show of strength, combined with about 3.5 hours of walking, resulted in actual weight loss the following morning. What a way to start the vacation!

I spent a couple of days in Kingston, visiting with my oldest and dearest fwiend, Snag, and my mom. Counted my points, went out for Week 2, Day 1 C25K run. Proceeded to a few days in New York with beloved Pants and her two beautiful daughters. Went out for Week 2, Day 2 run (with the Miaouw in tow!) on a trail through the beautiful Rockefeller State Park Preserve where we saw 5 deer. Delightful!

Hurricane Irene kept me in New York a couple days longer than expected, and at that point, I confess, I stopped tracking my points, and I didn't do my Week 2, Day 3 run. But I didn't go apeshit or anything. I probably was a few points over for the whole week, including using up my activity points, but it was well worth it. Seriously guys, I ate pizza, Indian, Mexican, and even McDonald's in a moment of desperation during travel. Hard to believe I still lost weight.

This week I am repeating Week 2 of the C25K, just to get back into my routine. So far so good.

I am now .4 pounds away from a 30 pound weight loss. Right on!

Aug 16: Operation GOMA

Well hello there, patrons of the arse!

As you may have ascertained, I've had a tumultuous, on-again off-again relationship with running. Yes, I have completed the Sporting Life 10k run three times. But almost all of my training for the event in the past has been indoors, on a treadmill. I have gotten to a point of being pretty comfortable running on a treadmill, for an hour with only a few walking breaks [disclaimer: nowhere near that level of fitness at present]. But I have never been comfortable running outside. I get wheezy and asthmatic and zooming heart rate within 4-5 minutes, and the whole thing is pain and un-fun. I want to run next year's 10k in personal best time, and not have to walk more than I run in the last 5k. I know I need to learn how to run outside if I want to achieve that goal.

So around a month and a half ago, I purchased the C25K mobile app for my iPod Touch. For those not in the know, C25K stands for "couch to 5km run". This is a 9 week program that's meant to guide green couch afficionados from zero movement to running 30 minutes or 5 kilometres continuously. The idea is to gradually increase the amount of time spent running between walking breaks. You commit to going out three times a week for just a half an hour.

In week 1, you're out for 31 minutes: a five minute brisk walk warm up (not even running!) followed by 21 minutes of running for 1 minute, walking for 90 seconds, and then another five minute walk at the end to cool down. I mean, you get to walk for longer than you have to run! Soooooold!

The mobile app makes it super easy. You create a playlist (one thing I dislike; cannot just import a playlist from iTunes - you have to add each song to your playlist from within the app, one at a time) and press go. A little bell rings and a man or woman's voice tells you every time you have to switch from walking to running. The clock counts down for you how much longer you have to go before you switch. Your music plays throughout. You just do what you're told and before you know it the half hour is up. Easy!

So what's the deal with buying the app six weeks ago and not doing anything with it? Erm, well? Yeah, that.

Anyway, I've been really inspired by my girl Dylan, who's been doing the C25K for about 2 months now. In fact it was her regular postings to her Facebook page, every time she completed one of the runs, that got me thinking I should look into this. And it's really amazing to hear from her that she's running for half an hour at a time now. Wow!

Also truly inspiring is the progress made by the ever-awesome L-Mac2, who completed the Acura 10 mile [16k] run on Sunday, and is planning to run her first ever half marathon in October. Holy shiza! These women! Are fantastic! And they are inspiring me every day to Git. Off. Mah. Ass.

Yesterday I decided I would do it. And I realized I needed to hold myself to it by creating a threat of pain and consequences for myself if I didn't follow through, or ultimate triumph if when I do. So I signed up for the Toronto Women's 5k run in Sunnybrook Park on October 29. No turning back!

I completed Week 1, Day 1 of the C25K program last night to celebrate.

Aug 10: BOOBS!

Oy. OY! Back off you salivating, stampeding horde! Disgusting.

Yes, today's topic is boobs. Breasts, for the purists. I've had 'em for 30 years and still feel weird referring to them by their Christian name. (Same way I always feel a little fraudulent calling myself a "woman", despite all the empowerment slogans out there, or more likely because of them.)

Well anyway, mine are boobs. I mentioned last blog that I think of mine disparagingly (the term was "fucking huge"), which caught the eye of a couple of friendly commenters. From the anything-but-typical lone wolf came the fairly typical response of "hey, what's to complain about?" And you know, far be it from me to complain about stuff. But okay, twist my arm. Except please don't because the resulting back-arching will only make them stick out more.

I have never liked my boobs. Not when they were little knobs sprouting up from the smooth planarity of my youthful chest, not a couple years later when, shopping for a grade 8 graduation dress, they bulged out of all corners of my no-longer-sufficient bra, leading my mother to astutely observe that it was time for a new bra. Not in my teenage years, when you would think if your boobs are ever gonna sit up straight on their own, this would be the time. (Alas, no.)

They are too big. They are quite heavy. The shape is not so much spherical as oval. They make buttoned blouses difficult to wear without the unsightly gaping business. But you know, as my nephew might say (if he weren't too horrified to be talking about my boobs with me... which, come to think of it, I would be too horrified to talk to him about too) - "That's a first world problem." I always thought if I was ever going to get plastic surgery, it would be a breast reduction and lift. But then I get horrified with myself for slipping into first world vanity contemplations.

So what's the deal with boobs anyway? Why are guys so into them? Is it because they (in most cases) don't have their own? (This raises the question: how do lesbians feel about boobs?) I mean, what if adam's apples were suddenly fetishized everywhere in popular culture? Or the fashion industry started designing pants for men that revealed just a hint of scrotum? I think I speak for most when I say, ew. Both of these body parts are fairly unattractive, and I'm fine with the fact I don't, as a woman, have either. Even the really good looking scrotums (scroti?) are quite wrinkly. Can you imagine if guys started getting laryngeal implants to make their neck bobbles protrude even more? Would adolescent boys be hyper-sexualized in the media?

Okay, I don't know where I'm going with any of this. A'ight I'm Audi 5000.

PS I got weighed today: maintained. This is good news because last Thursday I ate about 6 pieces of cake at work and then instead of doing penance that night, ordered a bucket of KFC as a cake chaser. It was awesome.

Aug 8: The long haul

Greetings, summer funsters!

So it's been awhile. If you've been following along, this would be the point at which you'd expect some sort of sheepish, mumbling, kicking at the ground admission of wagon abandonment, with the accompanying ass-cushion that a three month hiatus from healthy living always brings. Well, ta-da! Not happening.

Yeah, I kinda stopped blogging for awhile there. I was starting to feel like the only purpose of writing was to give a weekly update from my weigh-in. What happened to all my high-brow pretensions of using this blog to examine food and body issues, eating in awareness, the zen of sweat, and the use of affirmation post-it notes to achieve self-actualization? [Seriously, last year for Christmas, my mom got me this book called Operation Beautiful that prescribes leaving notes for yourself on every mirror that insist you are beautiful, regardless of what the mirror has to say about it.]

Well anyway, I've now lost 28 pounds. It's a slow process, but I feel like, after six plus months of living this way, it's become a routine. At this point, I am closing in on the mark (around 150) that has been some sort of psychological barrier for me in the 2.5 years since I started writing this blog. It's not like I've never been below that level, but in recent years, attempts to shed the extra weight have stalled at around this point. So, even though it feels like a massive accomplishment to say, with as much casual indifference as my limited acting skills can convey, that I've lost close to 30 pounds, I don't actually feel like I look all that different. I'm not into clothes that have hung faithfully in the closet, waiting for their chance to impress the world with their cuteness. I am still struggling with my self image. I'll be walking outside and catch a glimpse of myself in a mirror and feel dismay rather than pride. Why are my boobs still so fucking huge? I know it's just about patience and hanging in for the long haul.

Glad to still be at it, though. And I'm feeling pretty optimistic about my future chances of looking cute again.

May 18: A kinder, gentler race

Hello, broccoli florets!

I come baring news of– wait a second.... I come bearing news of disintegrating fat molecules and non-death-inducing marathon participation.

I didn't get weighed last week, but I did get back on the wagon. I gotta admit, it was tough. The first couple days I kept wanting to chuck everything and dive into a vat of Kraft Dinner and eat my way out. You would think after getting poisoned as a result of over-indulgence that I would steer clear of more poison, but the opposite happens: once the floodgates open, it's really hard to shut them again. So I had a few days of really struggling to hold temptation at bay. Some days I really, really miss eating everything in sight. Of course, when I'm in the throes of it, it is rarely as satisfying as I imagine it will be. Which is not to say it is not satisfying.

Anyway, this week's loss was .8, bringing the grand total to 21.6 pounds.

On Sunday, my mom and I did our annual half-marathon walk, and I have the contraband "proof" to show for it. I like the irony but also hope I don't get hunted down and sued by the folks who want me to pay $14.95 for that image, sans watermark. Anyway, it was our best walking time ever (3 hours, 38 minutes - we usually come in around 3:45ish). Possibly this was because we just wanted to get out of the drizzly, shitty weather. For my mom, the walk was just a warm-up: she is doing the full marathon walk in Ottawa at the end of the month. Go, Marathon Jan!!

Walking 21 kilometres is not exactly a punishing workout, but it does strain the joints, especially in the rainy cold. I recovered pretty quickly this year, though (especially compared to last fall, when I decided to run as much as I could, since my mom was out with a knee injury. It was a totally spontaneous decision that I paid for over the next week - rolling over in bed was painful for the first two days, and I think I probably looked like a city slicker after a cattle drive whenever I was forced to stand or walk.) I gotta give props to L-Mac2, who has signed up to run the half-marathon this fall in the Toronto Waterfront Marathon. Girl's got the bug for it. I went out for a 5k run with her and some folks from work last week and she gallantly stayed behind with me and encouraged me to finish the damn thing. Goddamn I hate running. I have no capacity for pain and suffering. And I wonder, why does there have to be pain and suffering?

May 10: POISONED!

Hello lovelorn flocks,

Sorry I didn't update you last week. I actually had a stellar week - another 1.8 pounds gone. The last three weeks have seen more weight loss (5.6 pounds) than I lost in the previous couple months, I think. I don't know - I think that our bodies maybe have natural comfort zones they like to stay in and I've finally moved past one? Yeah, I'm talking outta my ass again. Whatever, I'll take it.

So yesterday was a spectacular spring day. Not a cloud in the sky, warm but not yet punishing. I decided to pick up a bottle of wine on my way home to share with the Miaouw on the glorious balcony. I had 16 points left at the time, and reckoned I could drink 3 glasses (10 points) and still have room for some teeny tiny sandwiches on Weight Watchers bread. Either that or just pass out and sleep through dinner.

Well, we enjoyed ourselves and lost all restraint. We ate a frozen pizza and then the Miaouw ordered Pizza Pizza. (Pizza appetizer followed by pizza entrée: beautiful treachery.) I ate four pieces, plus had four breaded wings. I kept thinking I should stop at two pieces, but it tasted AMAZE-BALLS and I haven't had a crazy binge like that since January.

Key to getting back on the emaciated horse is tracking all of my evil-doings. It's good to have a moment of reckoning, a come-to-Oprah in which you take stock of what you've done, own it completely, forgive yourself and move on. If you don't admit to what you've done, you can't really move past it. And when I entered everything into the tracker this morning, I discovered that actually, the damage wasn't so terrible. I used up all of my extra weekly points, and just one of my activity points earned this week. Not bad. Not great, but I've done much worse.

Well anyway, after scarfing down that delicioush "food", I went to bed and tried to sleep. Haaaarrrible night. I had the night sweats, I tossed and turned, had to get up every couple hours and glug cold water... Yikes, I totally poisoned myself. This is part of the reckoning. It's good to know my body has gotten to a point of intolerance when it comes to all that fat and salt. I said to the Miaouw this morning that I wished there was some way to tap into this horrible food-hangover feeling before chowing down. Then I looked at the leftover pizza and thought, dang that looks good.

Ah well. I probably won't get weighed tomorrow. It won't be a real number - it'll take a couple days to get all this shit -- literally, ugh -- out of my system. I told the Miaouw there better not be any leftovers in the house when I get home from work tonight.

May 1: Thank god THAT's over

Greetings hero worshipers,

OY. This morning was the dreaded Sporting Life 10k run. Big shout out to the Ladies of the Cancer who all ran awesome times. Particularly proud of my girl L-Mac2, who really encouraged me to do the run, despite my lack of conditioning. She did amazing. Well, they all did. Me, on the other hand, not so much. I ran a saggy-assed 1:18:30, which is 11.5 minutes slower than last year. Sigh. Hard not to feel like a total schlep in the wake of it. I think I walked almost as much as I ran. It was a really tough slog. Trying my best to feel proud of the fact I went out and did it, despite my relative lack of training. I am a bit bummed though.

But the result has me determined to improve, which is a fantastic takeaway. I realize that I really need to have a race to work towards as a goal, to keep me running and trying to improve. So this summer I am going to see about running a few 5k races. There are tons to choose from. Try to get a faster time for a shorter distance. It's less painful and I think more achievable. All the while I will hope to continue losing weight, which should also improve my performance.

Speaking of continued weight loss, Wednesday's weigh in was awesome - another 1.8 pounds lost, which is pretty amazing, the week after a 2 pound loss. I was awarded the coveted 10% key chain for having lost 10% of my starting weight. What a glorious coppery glow it has! Apparently there are charms you get to add to it when you hit milestone numbers like 25 pounds or whatever, I guess to ensure you don't lose your motivation after having achieved this ultimate prize. SWEET!

Apr 23: Fresh numbrrrs!

It's the weekend! The long weekend! Ba-da-buh-buh-baaaah I'm lovin' it.

So as you know, I like to count. I know I'm always joking about how the numbers aren't important and it's all about healthy lifestyle blah blah tofucakes. But for me, the binge eating/ food obsessing thing is a compulsive behaviour. People use compulsive behaviours to cope with the big bad world when a more grounded, in-the-moment sort of approach may be beyond their reach. When I make efforts to rein myself in and cut out that compulsive behaviour, it makes sense that I would offset the loss by turning to another obsession, right? I'm not saying I'm obsessed per se. Just sayin: thus, the origins of the counting love.

With that said, I have many fresh numbers to report:

Pounds lost this week: TWO
Total pounds lost: 17.2

Measurements!
Chest - down 2, total loss: 3
Waist - down 0, total loss: 3
Hips - down 2, total loss: 4
Thigh - down 1, total loss: 1

Training!
Ran 5 miles in just under an hour yesterday on the wonky home treadmill. I don't know what the dillio is with this treadmill. It's an old donated thing that does this weird stoppy-starty thing that can throw your whole rhythm off. I always seem to run faster on it, but maybe I'm running slower and the speed settings are also wonky. Regardless, I ran for an hour. Next weekend is the 10k, so I'm feeling prepared. It's gonna hurt but it's gonna happen.

Rock on, I loves me some numbers. Happy long weekend everybody!

PS regarding the image: I did an image search for "fresh numbers" and this was my favourite image returned. Don't care non sequitur.

Apr 14: #spinning

Greetings rock stars from Mars avec Adonis DNA!

Great news! I gained .8 this week. Gah, jeez, right? Well I am okay with it. I mean, I don’t get it, but I’m okay with it. I stuck with the plan and I worked out 3 times. Okay, yes, there was that incident Friday night with the three quarters of a litre of TOLL HOUSE Cookie Dough with Brownie Chunks LOADED Frozen Dessert. Yikes they can’t even call it ice cream. Anyway, yes, I ate a lot of it. But I calculated my points and it was within the plan.

So, you know… eh. Sometimes you do everything you’re supposed to do and your body just doesn’t respond the way you expect or hope it will. I was saying to a friend yesterday that it’s like long term investments. You can’t let a bad week freak you out. If you stick with the plan, you’ll eventually see gains in your portfolio. Holy crap that metaphor just triggered a huge dividend in the irony stock. (FYI, I had to spend about ten minutes on Wikipedia figuring out how to phrase that joke. I’m putting everything into irony derivatives. Maybe?)

Anyway, when you have a week like this, you have to find your win somewhere other than the scale. Spin doctoring is an important skill in life and is transferable across pretty much every plane of existence. So the great news from this week was my ever-improving fitness. The night before the weigh-in, (the same day I posted the workout music blog), I went to the gym and ran for a full hour, the longest I’ve run in probably a year. Distance was 4.5 miles or around 7k. This is awesome work on my part and I am very encouraged by my progress. And that’s how you spin a .8 gain into a major victory!

Oh sure there will people who earnestly say “this is not spin doctoring, you really did win! It’s not about the scale, it’s about changing your life and being healthier and loving yourself and putting Post Its on every mirror in your house telling you how fantastic you are”. Bless them! These sweet, well-meaning people are champion spinners and I tip my hat to them as they are #winning the life game, unquestionably! I think I would need to offload a huge chunk of my blue chip irony and dispense with my cynicism treasuries altogether to make that investment worthwhile.

Apr 12: Music to train for a 10k to

Hello bottom (of the fridge) feeders (i.e. the crisper)!

How’s everybody’s mood? Myself, I’m feeling pretty okay. The weather is starting to warm up, verrrrry gradually. More sunshine, more daylight = more energy and more optimism.

So I have been back in the gym for the last three weeks. Generally 3 times a week, sometimes only twice. I am trying to get in shape enough to run the 10 k on May 1, but I am running out of time. Okay, I am jogging, walking and wheezing out of time. We’ll see.

Yesterday I was on the treadmill for just 10 minutes and I knew it wasn’t my day. Horrible shin-splints. I finished the mile I was running and opted for 20 minutes on the elliptical and then 25 more on the bike, then walked the half hour home. Today I will try for much better results. Last week I was up to running 5 and 1s (five minutes running, one minute walking break). Longest distance thus far has only been 3.75 miles (10 k is 6.2 miles). I was hoping to increase the run-cycle duration by one minute each week, but I’m not feeling ready to go to 6 yet. Also need to increase the duration of the run, obviously. I've been trying to do 80 mins of cardio - supplement whatever I do in running with time on the bike. Not the same, but it's a process.

So I don’t know what kind of pace I’m going to stumble through in two weeks’ time. Last year I finished at 1:07 (1:09 the first year). I think I’d consider it GREAT work if I could do’er in 1:15 this year, but will settle for under 1:20. Hell, I will “settle” for finishing the damn thing. I will be about 15 pounds heavier this year than I was last year when I ran it, plus way more out of shape. So, no big expectations.

At the gym, I have forsaken the television in favour of music as my motivational accompaniment of choice. The television is great when you are in shape and just need a distraction from the mindless minutes you are looking to rack up. When it’s a struggle to make it through your allotted 3, 4, 5 minute run-cycle before you get to a walk break, music can be a saving grace.

I’ve got a playlist on my iPod nano called “Working out”. Some of the songs are just ones I really like; not necessarily all crazy high energy dance beat stuff. Definitely no fucking Rihanna (sorry mom) (because of the cursing, not because my mom's a fan of Rihanna. Er, are you?) Eh… eh… eh… Oh… oh… oh… Ella… ella… ella… PUNCH… PUNCH… PUNCH…

Anyway, I copied down the list of songs. It’s kind of a random list of crap that was on my iPod. Far from comprehensive. They are sorted alphabetically by artist. I marked the ones that really get me moving, mouthing the words and nodding my head stupidly.

Please submit your fave songs to give you the extra jolt you need when working out!

"Poison Arrow" - ABC
"The Look of Love" - ABC
"Freedom of Speech" - Above the Law
"Thunderstruck" - ACDC
"Back in the Saddle" - Aerosmith
"Grass" - Animal Collective
"Sk8er Boi" - Avril Lavigne
"Kick Out the Jams" - Bad Brains & Henry Rollins
"Where's Your Head At?" - Basement Jaxx
"She's Crafty" - Beastie Boys
"No Sleep Til Brooklyn" - Beastie Boys
"Annie Waits" - Ben Folds
"Gone" - Ben Folds
"Army" - Ben Folds Five
"Let's Get It Started" - Black Eyed Peas
"One Way or Another" - Blondie
"Aberdeen" - Cage the Elephant
"Lovefool" - The Cardigans
"Iron Man" - The Cardigans
"Fuck You" - Cee-Lo Green
"Should I Stay or Should I Go" - The Clash
"Rock the Casbah" - The Clash
"Low" - Cracker
"Boys Don't Cry" - The Cure
"The Love Cats" - The Cure
"Livin' Thing" - Electric Light Orchestra
"Turn To Stone" - Electric Light Orchestra
"Sweet Talkin' Woman" - Electric Light Orchestra
"Bennie and the Jets" - Elton John
"Saturday Night's Alright For Fighting" - Elton John
"Best Of My Love" - The Emotions
"Fast As You Can" - Fiona Apple
"Dog Days Are Over" - Florence & The Machine
"This is a Call" - Foo Fighters
"Best of You" - Foo Fighters
"Hard to Beat" - Hard-Fi
"Stars of CCTV" - Hard-Fi
"Striptease" - Hawksley Workman
"Clever Not Beautiful" - Hawksley Workman
"Positive Jam" - The Hold Steady
"The Swish" - The Hold Steady
"Chips Ahoy!" - The Hold Steady
"You Can Make Him Like You" - The Hold Steady
"Stuck Between Stations" - The Hold Steady
"Stay Positive" - The Hold Steady
"Start Making Sense" - Hot Panda
"Closer to Fine" - Indigo Girls
"I Make the Dough, You Get the Glory" - Kathleen Edwards
"I Kissed a Girl" - Katy Perry
"Today I Hate Everyone" - The Killjoys
"Supernova" - Liz Phair
"Salesmen, Cheats & Liars" - The Lowest of the  Low
"Eternal Fatalist" - The Lowest of the  Low
"Bleed A Little While Tonight" - The Lowest of the  Low
"Henry Needs a New Pair of Shoes" - The Lowest of the  Low
"Nervous Breakthrough" - Luscious Jackson
"Bucky Done Gun" - M.I.A.
"Galang" - M.I.A.
"Montreal -40C" - Malajube
"Sick Of Myself" - Matthew Sweet
"Combat Baby" - Metric
"Succexy" - Metric
"Bourgeouis Shangri-La" - Miss Li
"Float On" - Modest Mouse
"Paper Thin Walls" - Modest Mouse
"Use It" - The New Pornographers
"All For Swinging You Around" - The New Pornographers
"The Slow Descent Into Alcoholism" - The New Pornographers
"Letter From An Occupant" - The New Pornographers
"Supersonic" - Oasis
"Rome" - Phoenix
"Debaser" - Pixies
"Under Pressure" - Queen
"Don't Walk Away Eileen" - Sam Roberts
"Love Song" - Sara Bareilles
"Tell 'Em" - Sleigh Bells
"Six Months in a Leaky Boat" - Split Enz
"Pulling Mussels (From The Shell)" - Squeeze
"Tempted" - Squeeze
"Lola Stars and Stripes" - The Stills
"You Only Live Once" - The Strokes
"Your Favorite Thing" - Sugar
"Slack Motherfucker" - Superchunk
"Army Bound" - Ted Leo & the Pharmacists
"Some Beginner's Mind" - Ted Leo & the Pharmacists
"Shake The Sheets" - Ted Leo & the Pharmacists
"Big Sur" - The Thrills
"Highly Evolved" - The Vines
"Outtathaway" - The Vines
"Hash Pipe" - Weezer
"The Hardest Button to Button" - The White Stripes
"A Shot in the Arm" - Wilco
"Ship of Fools" - World Party

Apr 8: Plate licker

Are you one? On a scale of one to ten, how gross is it to do this? I have a hard time letting a plate go that still has anything on it, even sauce. I just ate my Lean Cuisine cheese cannelloni here at work and of course I used my index finger to scoop up the remains and licked my finger clean. Oh, you think, that's not as bad as actually licking the plate. I did that this morning. After I finished my cottage cheese with jam and orange sections.

I sometimes forget my surroundings. We're in this new open concept office, and I had the bowl to my face with my tongue out when I realized I might not be alone. Gah. I looked around and I don't think anybody saw. Then a couple minutes ago I caught myself again.

I don't know. Is this really offside behaviour? Do I need to stifle, in case somebody catches me in flagrante delectable? I hope not. When food is restricted, the unit value of each morsel increases significantly in value. I would buy that mutual fund.

I think it's fine to do this at home. In fact, if you don't run the dishwasher every day, which is the case in our household of two, you don't have plates with crud hardening on them. Efficient.

Apr 7: Slow and starving wins the weigh-in

Well hello there, waist-wasters!

How’s everything going? I mean seriously. Would it kill you to call? The only person I hear from anymore is my friggin cat, and she just comes on here to post links to bizarre non sequitur youtubes. (Which are awesome.)

Alright, I’m done begging. So, I had an excellent week on the scales: lost 2.2 pounds this week. That’s like, a month’s worth of work at my current rate of progress. Guess I can just rest on my laurels for the rest of April now.

The thing is, I weighed myself on my wretched home scale yesterday morning and was utterly deflated to see that my weight had gone up this week. UP! I mean, okay, I said I was going to run (yog) 3-4 times this week and I only ended up going twice. But those times I went, I really gave’r, and I watched my fucking points (sorry mom) and there’s just no reason why I should have gained weight. And okay, if this were a blip, a one-time thing, I could perhaps be a little more relaxed and a little less italicized, but MY BODY WILL NOT LET GO OF THE FAT.

So, I was pissed. I decided desperate measures were called for: I dressed in my least weighty outfit (a t-shirt and my featherweight skirt), which is a pain in the arse when I walk to work because it’s so light that it rides up my thighs and I’m constantly pulling it down self-consciously. I could have taken the subway but I was looking to make up extra activity wherever I could. At work, I decided to forego any food or drink until post-weigh-in. I know, I know. It’s stupid, to put so much stock in a number that you have to use artificial means to manipulate. What can I say. I was desperate for good news, or at least not bad news.

So all morning I was sluggish and depressed. Anticipating another shitty result, plus no caffeine, plus I’m getting tired of the project I’ve been managing at work for six months. So noon comes round and I trudge off to the DubDub meeting with L-Mac², confessing my silly antics to her, which she laughed about in a very supportive and understanding fashion. Get on the scale and… WHAT THE! Down 2.2 pounds?! Wow. Who knew breakfast and a DDP weighs 2 pounds? (The other .2 was obviously taken care of with my nearly-naked wardrobe stylings, plus a half hour walk to work, I’m sure.)

Okay, as the warlocks say, "duh", this is obviously not a result based on skipping breakfast. I’m saying, my scale, she done me wrong. Maybe I shaved an extra half pound off with my morning neuroses, possibly a pound. Whatever, I’ll take it. Of course this introduces next week’s big dilemma: do I repeat this ridiculousness to ensure an accurate measurement from one week to the next? Or do I grow up and stop pulling stupid desperate acts of starvation and crankiness towards my co-workers and the world in general?

Wow, what a cliffhanger. For sure you’ll be tuning in next week to find out.

Mar 31: Weight loss tips from The Miaouw

Hello, empty theatre!

Quick update: I have started yogging again! I was holding off on reporting this, since the struggle to find motivation to exercise has been iffy at best. I didn’t sign up for the Sporting Life 10K, because I thought there’s no way I’d be ready for it. I had this romantic if sweaty notion that every year I would improve my time, and this year, what with the excess weight and the whole sloth appreciation society business, I know that won’t be possible. So I was letting that defeat me before I even got started.

Well screw that mentality. A week and a half ago, my office moved into a new building, closer to the Good Life. I decided to make good associations and new habits with this new environment, and have been going to the gym after work regularly. The first time, I got on the treadmill and told myself, whatever you have to do, just do it. So I started with 2 and 1’s (run 2 minutes, walk 1). By the end of each two minutes, I was a mess, but I was determined. I just set the speed lower. Yesterday I was up to 4 and 1’s, which is great improvement over just 10 days, I think. Even so, it took me 40 minutes to run 3 miles. Back in the day I was going 4-6 minutes faster, but whatever, I’m out there, doing it, which is a MAJOR WIN. Or, winning. Whatever the kids and the crazies are saying these days.

So with all that extra activity, I still only lost .8 last week. My total weight loss over the past month and a half is something like 2.4 pounds. Jeez. Even so, I feel great about returning to the exercise thing. I knew I would get back to it eventually. I’ve decided I’m still going to sign up for the Sporting Life 10K on May 1. I don’t give a shit what my time is; for me, the triumph will be showing up and gettin’ ‘er done.

Okay, on to the titillating subject line at hand: The Miaouw has a couple of unorthodox diet tricks that I thought might be useful if you are out of your mind and if you first sign a waiver that you won’t sue me or anything.

1. Do not wear winter jackets in winter.
   Being from southern California, winter is an anomaly to the Miaouw. I got him a winter coat for Christmas two years ago. He brought it back to California and then forgot it there. But he is undaunted. He goes out in the frigid sub-zero temperatures in a cardigan with a windbreaker, and when I look at him like he’s nuts, he insists that this is a weight loss scheme. I suppose there are a lot of extra calories to be burned through violent shivering. I think he also thinks the little metabolism elves are taking chunks of fat storage and throwing them on the fire, trying to warm up his body. I gotta admit, this theory sounds kinda sciency.



2. Blood donation on a regular basis.
   So the idea is, not only do you lose the initial mass from the liquid (great for pre-weigh-ins!), but that your body burns calories in generating more blood to restore your reserves. At one point, he was suggesting we do a blood clinic crawl – donate blood every day for a week. Alas, it never came to pass, so I can’t offer up any evidence to support this wild theory. The other drawback, of course, is you wouldn’t be allowed to eat the cookie afterwards. That would totally defeat the purpose, obvs.

Well anyway, these are just some ideas that I in no way endorse and will not be held criminally responsible for. Enjoy, little lab rats!

Mar 25: Pithy nutrition lesson

I’ve been on a mandarin orange kick lately. With the revolutionary advent of free fruit on DubDub’s new Points Plus program, I have been enjoying much more fresh fruit in my diet. I buy mandarins by the bag and eat 2 or 3 in a sitting. Delightful!

So I was remembering a few years back, my dad’s wife mentioning something about the white stuff on oranges being very good for you, and that you should never peel it off for this reason. I mentioned this to Jan once and she wrinkled her nose. The idea with eating an orange as a snack, in her view, is that it takes an extra long time to do so because of the meticulous process of removing all the white stuff. So you feel like you are eating for longer. (That’s one of those dieting trade secrets for y’all – a freebie from my mom!)

So anyway, I looked it up. The white stuff is actually called “pith”, and the scoop is, it’s where the majority of an orange’s nutrients are stored. According to the sciency titled “Food Genetics” blog,

The pith, part of the protection layer for the orange, contains high levels of fiber, anti-cancer agents and important bioflavonoids (an antioxidant). So next time when you have an orange, think twice about peeling off those healthy beneficial white piths.

Apparently, the juice of an orange contains only 25% of the vitamin C found in an orange. Hunh!

So now the challenge goes out to OCDers who are concerned with their health but also like a nice, clean canvas before biting into their juicy fruit!

Mar 24: The trouble with DubDub

Good blogging, weightful wonders!

First things first: yesterday was WeighDay. I was up half a pound. Irritating, though not unexpected. On the weekend, I gave in to the Call of the Bile. At the time, of course, the bile was disguised in its pre-digested form as a Caramel Dacquoise. For those not in the know, this is a cake featuring alternating layers of hazelnut meringue, buttercream, cake and caramel sauce. They sell a frozen one at the Rabba convenience/grocery near my apartment. I’ve been eyeing that puppy for weeks. On Saturday night, I had a hankering to just go bananas. Except not with fruit. I also ate two small bags of chips. (I told myself this was an improvement on one party size bag, and I believe that.) I didn’t eat the entire cake – I very thoughtfully left about a quarter of it for the Miaouw. Anyway, I calculated the points and I used all of my reserve points EXCEPT one. So technically, I stayed within the rules of DubDub. But apparently my body didn’t get the memo. Anyway, whatever, half a pound = no big whup, and I sure did enjoy that binge.

So me and L-Mac² went to the lunch time weigh-in yesterday and sat through the tedious meeting. Afterward, we both agreed that the meetings are basically lame. They always say that people who go to meetings are whatever per cent more successful than those who don’t. I make myself sit through them as a sort of physical and mental testament to my commitment to staying on the program, as opposed to any inspiration I derive. The problem is that a lot of the women there are really old school and they have internalized all these unhealthy notions of “dieting” and being “good” or “bad”, wanting to eat something but telling themselves “I shouldn’t”. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I’ve internalized this shit too, but at least I know better, that I… uh… shouldn’t… fock... Well, you know. I at least struggle against these notions. Whereas a lot of the unselfconcious discussion at these meetings is amongst the lifers who trade their “secrets” to weight loss, like chewing gum. (When this was suggested last week, I resisted the urge to put my hand up and tell them that chewing gum is also a trade secret of anorexics, bulimics, and the eating disordered. I learned this first hand when I was being diagnosed with binge eating disorder some years ago.)

Yesterday, the leader asked us to talk about how we can re-frame how we think about so-called “failures” (a.k.a. “caramel dacquoise”). How can we take a positive spin on these incidents we might have previously thought of as failures? I started to say “it’s not a failure, it’s a choice” but somebody else spoke up with some sort of easily digestible, predictable and pat response that fit the leader’s notes. But what I wanted to say, how I wish the discussion had gone, was to say that it’s not a fail or a win, it’s a choice. You decide you want to eat three quarters of a caramel and meringue layer cake? You understand the consequences going in, right? So, enjoy. Everything is choices and consequences of those choices. Choices in and of themselves are not inherently "good" or "bad", "win" or "fail". We project all kinds of meaning and judgment onto them and then we get all fucked up about it. I know I enjoyed my binge on the weekend. I know that it’s a behaviour I chose rather than sitting with whatever feelings were coming up, and dealing with them. I’m okay with that.

I don’t know though. Probably this sort of approach is a bit too vague and intangible to be promoted at your local Weight Watchers meeting.

Mar 16: One of the best falafels OF ALL TIME

What up, groupies?

It's been a long time since I blog and rolled. Its been a long time, been a long time, been a long lonely, lonely, lonely, lonely, lonely time.

Yes it has.

Sorry about that. You will be pleased and perhaps surprised (I shall take no offense) to hear that I am still "OP"* as they say at the dieting trade shows and online fora. I had a week where I lost nothing, then two weeks in a row where I missed my DubDub meeting (last week for JURY DUTY! Quel excite! Except, turns out, not.) Found out today I lost 2 pounds. That's for three weeks, plus the week before that I didn't lose, just maintained. So, yeah, a little irritating. But whatever, it's still down, so that's awesome. Also, Moammar has been advancing on the freedom-from-fat-fighters who want me to exercise regularly, quashing the revolution. I need to institute a No Green Couch Zone or something. I know, this metaphor is beyond bizarre. This is what happens when you run out of decent blogging material and just start letting the consciousness stream forth.

So while I was on jury duty, I started reading Breaking Free From Emotional Eating, the Geneen Roth book I mentioned awhile back. Some interesting notions. She advocates eschewing the notion of "diet" forever, which sounds pretty awesome, I'm sure you'll all agree. She also suggests eating WHATEVER YOU WANT, which is equal parts tantalizing and terrifying. The big proviso is that you learn to eat when you are hungry, not when you are lonely, or bored, or because it's the habitual time you normally eat, or all the zillions of reasons we eat that have nothing to do with hunger. The idea is that if you learn to listen to your body, to recognize real hunger and feed yourself accordingly, you will come to trust it. And the same goes for eating what you want, and what you need. When she first decided to give up dieting and eat only when she was hungry and to eat what she wanted, she ate chocolate chip cookies for every meal for two weeks. She gained weight initially, but eventually she ended up losing 30 pounds over the next couple years. And she kicked the chocolate chip cookie yen.

It was interesting, reading this book at a time when I was mentally free (from work or the TV or most any distractions) to contemplate it. I had to buy my lunch every day, and reading this book that is urging me to allow myself to eat without guilt, to eat what I wanted, to the point of satiety, kinda messed with my head. Not necessarily in a bad way, just... it's a different way to think about food and eating. It's not an easy fix – there is a lot of heavy duty emotional work that has to happen. I'm not ready for it yet. But I did let myself eat what I wanted one day on lunch. I had a falafel, which is not something I normally crave. I was very hungry by the time I ate it. I sat down to eat, and did not have any distractions, like a book or the TV or a computer or even a conversation. I looked out the window at the hustle-bustle of Dundas Street West and just savoured that falafel. My god, what a falafel. It was incredible. I enjoyed it so, SO much. At the end of the day I went home and looked it up and found DubDub says 13 points for a falafel. A bit steep (lunch for me is typically a 6 point Lean Cuisine or similar). But I didn't crave anything more after that, did not snack or anything, so it worked out fine.

I am trying this approach on a little bit at a time, to see if it fits. I have this counter-intuitive notion that I want to lose the weight first, and then adopt this no-more-dieting approach. Sigh. I'm sure I'm not the first to think that way. Ah well, soldier on.

PS holy geez, just found the falafel image for this post; looking at it full size and reliving my falafel experience. It is a fond memory, but I am happy to report that I am not obsessing over the desire to go out an replicate it immediately. But some day.

* "On Program"

Feb 24: Triumph of the lack of will

Hey chunky monkeys,

I finally did it. Last night, I broke my lazy streak and went to the gym after work. It had been weeks of slothing on the green couch, defiantly refusing to break a sweat. There were even times when I felt the tingly energy of wanting to exercise, and somehow found a way to talk myself out of it. I don't know. It's like the rest of my brain was being held prisoner by some sort of evil dictatorship, quashing any urges to be productive or healthy or do anything that might lead to happiness. My own inner Moammar. I half-expected myself to randomly open fire on myself, I swear. "Quit killin' yerself!"

Well anyway. I didn't get weighed last week because there was a mysterious weight gain situation on my home scale that I suspect was related to medication. I knew I'd eaten fine, so I didn't want to ignite the protesters in my brain with a disappointing result. So this week I went in, and WTF, I'm the same weight I was two weeks ago. IRRITATING!

Well, the heretofore peaceful protesters rallied and Moammar is now in hiding somewhere in the recesses of my brain. I went to the gym last night, sweated profusely, and when I weighed myself this a.m., the people of Lindsay rejoiced in our newfound freedom from the Tyranny of the Green Couch!

Going to the gym after work again tonight, and after that, I'm headed to Wisconsin to kick Scott Walker in the ASS. Not really but boy would I ever like to.

SOLIDARITY FOREVER.

Feb 15: Fat acceptance

On the weekend, my girl Taarnagh posted a link on Facebook to a blog by a woman named Lindy West who writes for a publication run by Dan Savage, the sex advice columnist and originator of the "It Gets Better" movement aimed at gay youth who are being bullied. The blog, entitled, Hello, I Am Fat was an eloquent smackdown of what she perceives as Dan Savage's anti-fat bias. It triggered a tidal wave of comments and has subsequently gone viral. It's a great piece, I encourage you to read it. And thanks to Taar for bringing my attention to it. (Dan Savage posted a rebuttal yesterday evening which I thought was also worthwhile if slightly more long-winded and hyperbolic. After the storm of protest against him, I didn't blame him for the hyperbole.)

So, where do y'all stand on this whole "fat acceptance" movement? I gotta admit, I'm pretty ambivalent. I don't accept my fat. Never have, and don't suppose I ever will. When I've lamented my weight to people in my life, most have responded with what I take to be sincere insistence that it is nowhere near as ugly to the world at large as it is to me. Point being, I don't feel unfairly discriminated against because of my weight. I don't opine for the world to accept fat people more readily. I opine for a method to accept myself more readily, sure. And I realize that weight loss isn't the golden ticket to happiness and self-acceptance. Or, some part of me does, since the few times I've been slim, it's had no bearing on my day-to-day happiness, except that I preen in front of mirrors instead of worry. Having said that, when I am fat, it adds significantly to my feelings of self-loathing, depression, lack of control, etc.

The obesity epidemic is troubling. On the other hand, the unrealistic standards of beauty perpetuated by the media and popular culture are also troubling. But as far as I'm concerned, the bullying, mean-spirited othering of people for any reason, whether it's because they are fat, gay, Republican, or just different ("you're weird" = one of my my all-time hated methods of marginalization) is the most troubling. Maybe if people were just less assy in general, there would be no need for a "fat acceptance" movement. I understand why fat people are angry about being "shamed". I shame myself all the time. I look at people who are fat and I shame them, in my head, as surely as I do myself. I don't say anything to them, or about them behind their backs (at least, not about their weight, heh), because the last thing I want is to contribute to that dialogue, or to be perceived by others as someone who thinks it's okay to make these hurtful comments. My feeling is, if someone is willing to make a comment like that to me about someone else, pretty much I can expect that they are making those comments about me, or thinking them about me, when I'm not around.

I don't think it's right to enable or encourage unhealthy behaviour. I recognize that for me, personally, at least some of my excess weight is a direct result of stuffing my body with an excess of salty and sugary carbs that have very little nutritional value. This is not a healthy behaviour, and I don't mean just physically. As I have talked about at length, my food and body issues are a manifestation of low self esteem and depression. On the other hand, I do think that my natural body type does veer towards a chubby silhouette. It's not like I was ever a skinny kid, and my mom was not one to over-feed me either. So maybe I am naturally meant to be a little higher than the curve as far as my weight is concerned, and I have been battling nature for so long that my bingeing (and the extra 25 pounds I put on this fall, for examp) is more about feelings of deprivation, rebelling against the internalized self-loathing, lack of self acceptance, etc, etc, etc. Whoa, irony.

Either way, as far as I'm concerned, "fat acceptance" is pretty much a distraction from the real issue at hand, which is self acceptance, and self awareness. I eat to distract myself from pain I don't want to feel, even though I understand that the end result of this action will inevitably be more pain. But this is the culture we live in: everything is purchased on credit, even taking on a debt of self-loathing to feel better in the moment.

I reject fat acceptance and instead choose to promote empathy and compassion for those who struggle to accept themselves and choose destructive behaviours to cope with the burden of sentience in a culture that has replaced the struggle to survive with the struggle to thrive.