I’ve been fat for my whole life, or so it seems. I can remember when I was six years old, going to the doctor for a check up, and hearing the doctor tell my mom that I was 10 pounds overweight for my age category. There’s just never been a time in conscious memory when I didn’t define myself this way.I know there are some people who start to gain weight in their 20s and 30s, when their metabolisms start to shift and their youthful eating habits catch up with them. Or after they have kids. Some people put on weight during health or emotional crises. I know it’s hard to lose weight, and it’s hard to be fat in terms of what it does to your self esteem, but I wonder: do people who gain weight later in life struggle in the same way as those who’ve internalized the fat label at a very early age?
I think about all those early memories and experiences: my brother calling me fat every day of my life as a means of gaining the upper hand in our relationship (when that didn't work – who am I kidding, it always worked – anyway, he could always just beat the shit out of me), kids on the playground silencing my wit with the indefensible, "shut up, you're fat!", going clothes shopping and hearing salespeople refer to me as "chunky"... and that's just the pre-teen years! Adolescence was brutal.
Do these early experiences make it harder for me to lose weight and keep it off? Will I always think of myself as fat, no matter what I weigh? If I slim down to a size 6, will I just think of it as a temporary pass to a place where I don't belong?
Like most career dieters, I have had a few shining periods of success. I won’t go so far as to say that I was ever thin. When I’m on a diet, the goal I have in my mind is that I just want to look “normal”. I want to be able to walk down the street without feeling like I stand out as different because of my weight. As a person who is obsessed with body image, I am constantly assessing people as I come into contact with them. With a flickering glance I instantly categorize them in my mind as “normal / average” or overweight. I don’t know if other people do this, but when I think about a goal I want to attain for weight loss, it’s just to be able to occupy the former category, not the latter.
Of course that’s entirely subjective (not to mention probably slightly crazy). It’s just… there. I don’t know how to stop thinking of myself that way, or other people. I am constantly comparing myself to others, wondering if I am bigger or smaller, where do I fit on the spectrum?
And I know that it doesn’t matter. Or at least, I understand that it shouldn’t. Part of the struggle to lose weight and get healthy – a big part – has got to be how to scrub away these beliefs. They are so deeply imprinted they feel like tattoos, impossible to remove. But there’s gotta be a way. Or maybe I can just have them altered. Like Johnny Depp’s “Winona Forever” tattoo now says “Wino Forever”. Instead of seeing myself as
F A T F O R E V E R M O R E
...maybe instead I could be
A F R E E M E
Hmm. Gonna have to do something about those unsightly gaps. Reconstructive surgery for excess skin? Maybe I could get Oprah's Angel Network to pay for it.
Something to think about. (I am open to your suggestions.)
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Arg. Yeah. My earliest conscious memory was when I was 4 and we were at the swimming pool. There was a large woman wearing a swim suit made out of the same fabric as mine (black with gold ladybugs on it) and as she lumbered up the steps in the shallow end and over to get a drink of water, my mom leaned in, put her arm around me, pointed subtly to that woman and said, "You are NEVER going to look like that."
ReplyDeleteNow, I know she meant to say, "Don't worry, just cuz she has the same suit on, doesn't mean you are LIKE her." What I got deeply and internally was, "Fat is BAD, you are at risk and better do something about it NOW."
I was FOUR. She has no memory of this, but it's burned in mine.
My preoccupation with my body image has lessened quite a bit. I think I have been fairly successful and shifting my focus to wanting to live a healthy lifestyle and have it not be so much about what I look like - that's not 100% of course, but it's MUCH better.
The biggest shift in my mental attitude came when I was doing therapy work on my prenatal experience.
I had a twin brother that died before we were born, in the first trimester. Regressing (meditation like) back to that time, I was able to identify messages like, "He died because I take/eat too much" and "There's not enough." I was the fetus higher up on the wall of the uterus, which has been shown to be the twin that gets more nutrition. There wasn't enough for both of us...so I had the very very early double bind of their not being enough, AND I take too much.
Talk about a set up for eating habits. And it isn't just food, this message is something I've struggled with around connection with people, with money, with time...it's been sort of my life long code...my core belief with which I live my life.
However, identifying the origins of it, having affirmations from others to tell me the truth about what happened - it wasn't my fault...there was hardly enough for ME either...I didn't kill him etc...helped give space around the belief. The emotional processing I did helped clear much of it.
I don't have that conversation with myself as I walk to the kitchen anymore about what or whether to eat. I don't constantly question myself, or feel guilty or bad for looking heavier.
For me now, the extra weight on my body is pretty much just an indication that my lifestyle isn't all that supportive of a healthy body.
hey, Dee, wow, that's intense stuff about your twin. And really awesome work on your part, sifting through those beliefs and coming out the better for it. The human psyche is such a delicate thing, is it not? Imagine, something as basic as the will to survive impacting on your sense of yourself in a negative fashion. Kudos for you for seeing it through.
ReplyDeleteAs for the lady in the swimming pool, I have to admit, that story pushed a button for me too. It is such an US vs THEM thing to say to a kid, teaching you (all of us) to draw lines in the sand, differentiate or disassociate ourselves with another human being to whom we are naturally and spiritually connected... it's just a wrong thing to do. (I'm sorry if that sounds like a judgy thing to say about your mom; I'm not thinking of her so much as I'm thinking of everyone who does that to others -- the people who did it to me, the people I've done it to, all of us.)
Hey, at least that lady was out getting some exercise!!
I was never really overweight as a kid, but I thought I was fat. Fat and hideous. I do remember a friend told me when I started getting boobs that it wasn't boobs I was growing, just very specifically placed fat pockets. And we're still friends to this day, go figure.
ReplyDeleteThanks for the props earlier, it was fun to see my name scroll by! I'm really loving this blog, and trying to get some of your motivation to rub off on me, tho the only thing I've really done so far is start taking a B vitamin. I was just in Utah for an independent booksellers convention and all I ate was carbs and meat and booze. Ugh.
I wish I had something more insightful to say right now, but I just wanted to let you know I'm still here rooting for you.
Keep the faith,
Joy
Hey Joy, yeah, I know... motivation is an elusive muse. Sometimes I just think I have to wait it out. If I try to force myself to do something I'm not motivated to do, the results are worse - I rebel. So I try to baby my delicate human psyche by making the changes I feel ready to make. Once I'm in the zone, I find my desire to amp it up is a natural byproduct of seeing results and feeling better about myself.
ReplyDeleteAs for Vitamin B Complex, I can't remember if I mentioned that elsewhere in my blog or if this is a coincidence. My friend Tracy mentioned it to me a month ago as a way of combatting winter fatigue and whether it's placebo or a combination of my healthier diet or whatever, I definitely feel more energetic since starting it. Hope it does the same for you.
Thanks so much for checking in to say you're still reading and enjoying. I love hearing from you. Next time I'm visiting the Dawg, let's totally get together. (Totally.)
BP here. I was pretty gangly as a kid and even drank homemade protein powdered drinks in high school to try to gain a little padding. It wasn't that we were too poor to feed me, I was just way active (tomboy syndrome). Birthing them babies from age 34 - 41 did it in for me, coupled with metabolism changes. And I'm definitely much less active.
ReplyDeleteNot having had weight issues as a kid, I didn't harbor those psyche damaging internalizations that you describe. I want to get back into shape mostly for my health. I've had some serious health issues in the last 5 months that are definitely giving me pause. While not necessarily weight related, they call into question my taking care of this body overall.
News flash: So today it was reported that the amount of exercise that is needed to stay healthy (operative word, stay) is 7 minutes of VIGOROUS daily activity. And not even all at once! Vigorous was described as 7 minutes of an all-out sprint.
Okay. Now, I'm not mentioning this to trick myself into exercising less daily - just as a sort of long term carrot that 20 minutes a day, every day, is not necessarily my future.
Hey beepster, yeah, I have to admit, if I'm being truly honest, health is secondary to vanity for me. I'm not saying it isn't important. And I'm not saying I'm proud, I'm just sayin. But, having said that, I have definitely noticed a shift in how I am feeling physically. The dreaded night sweats disappeared in the first week of the new diet and have not returned. I am more energetic, less depressed, just feeling more zippy in general.
ReplyDeleteThe seven minute thing is a riot. It may be all we need for good health, but it's not gonna be much help to me in reducing the wide load! Anyway, rock on with your seven minutes, sister.
Hey there sister,
ReplyDeleteI've fallen behind with the whole moving halfway across the country thing. I can say that when I first got home On January 26th I think that I was happy to find I was at 197.8lbs instead of the dreaded 200lbs. And this morning when I found my scale and unpacked it the number said 194.4. Yay, me!
And that's mostly the stress diet with a little mindfulness about when I am actually full. Isn't it an oddity that there are people who eat food and just know when they are full? They don't have to think about it at all?
As for childhood fat syndrome, I don't remember thinking I was fat until my teen years. Which it turns out I wasn't. There were people who agreed with me but I look at pictures of those times and ya, no, not fat. Fuckers.
I didn't ACTUALLY get fat until I got a car, sometime around when my daughter was in 2nd grade. Needed a way to get her to all of her extra curriculars and then it was there for going to the grocery and running to a friends, etc.
What I do remember is growing up with my mother's obesity. And learning the shame of eating and food. Learning that people lie about what they eat. Learning that stuffing your face can make you stop feeling. Etc. etc.
I'm not exactly clear on how to break through all that but I do know that the only time I have become a smaller me after having become a bigger me is when I combat all the negative internal talk with sappy, positive stuff.
taar, hey, that's awesome! Weight loss without trying! Yeah, I don't know if eating will ever be something that isn't self-conscious for me. At least, not anymore. I envy those people whose understanding of their body's needs (as far as satiation is concerned) is still intact. I think it's like eating the apple from the tree of knowledge or something. Once you become aware, there's no going back to that natural state. So it becomes about mindfulness, focus, and lots and lots of positive, sappy self-talk.
ReplyDeleteOh, and positive, sappy talk from friends, too. Which, speaking of, you are awesome and so am I.
Just read Taar's post here...
ReplyDeleteWe're all saps, and we need that!!
I have to say LQ, this is a great blog and really is motivating me more than anything has in a while, to eat healthy and exercise hard, and regularly. When I don't, I don't feel guilty either, I feel okay to be accountable, and supported to keep at it.
You are awesome, girlfriend.
And check out the book "Skinny Bitch." I feel like I'm reading your blog, but it's all about the down and dirty about food, and what's good for us to eat. Written in Noisy style! Ha! I think you'd love it.
hey Dee, it is so great to get this kind of feedback. I feel the same way, and I'm really just so surprised and thrilled that this blogging approach seems to have helped me break through to a new attitude about healthy weight loss that is more about support and positive self-talk than it is about feeling a need to subject myself to external validation once a week.
ReplyDeleteYou know, I had seen that book Skinny Bitch in book stores before but didn't look too closely; just figured it was another in a long line of books trying to capitalize on women's insecurities and make coffee table jokes with a wry, self-deprecating tone. Ho-hum. But I checked out the website and I like the idea of a tough love approach. I may peek at it next time I'm in the book store. Thanks for the recommendation!