Jan 29: I joined a gym and I liked it

It's been a really tough week. January sucks ass, n'est-ce pas? I've been struggling to keep it together, with fair to middling results. I'm incredibly sensitive right now. I have to avoid animal shelter commercials and Biggest Loser ousters or it's dwibble, dwibble all down my face. Yesterday at work... oh, god, so humiliating... I cried in front of my boss. Ugh. About nothing. I mean, not nothing, but not something cry-worthy.

I went home and cocooned and cried some more, and this morning I woke up resolved not to be such a pussy. Winter sucks, but it's not like this is my first. Work is just work. I can't let it get under my skin this much. I need to take control, rather than let it control me. So after work, I strode purposefully up Yonge Street and walked right up to the 6'4" 22 year old buffboy and said, "I'm wanna join the gym." Exhilarating.

I wrote a song about it for all of you:

Jan 27: On the couch watching Biggest Loser

Jillian is barking at some poor kid who has eaten himself to over 400 pounds. He's coughing and spluttering and hollering. I'm thinking to myself, yeah, when this is over I really should go downstairs and run for 20 minutes. Like, in homage or something. But then I think, I'm tired and it's Jaaaaanuary, wah. I don't want to. But look at this kid. There's no way around it. If I decide not to go, I'm giving up, indulging myself, and it seems like a slap in the face to this kid. I don't know why. What the hell do I owe him?

Whatever. I know I need to rev up the exercise. If this was X-Weighted, not D-Weighted, the fitness expert/drill sargeant, Paul Plakas, would be bitching me out and wagging his finger at me for not being more committed. If I were on the green couch watching the linnyqat episode instead of living it, I'd be nodding my head smugly while Paul predicted failure if I don't step up my game.

I've decided I'm going to rejoin GoodLife Fitness. I'll go right after work. That was a routine that worked for me in the past. I'm going to commit to doing at least two fitness classes a week, but push for three. And I am going to think seriously about getting a trainer - maybe just for 10 sessions, to get them to set me up with a routine. I will think about it. But for sure, re-join the gym.

Still, I'm not going to run tonight. Fuck you, Paul!

Jan 25: week 4 weigh in viddie is up!

Featuring adorable human-pwning cameo by Lola...

Jan 24: Jenny Craig is stalking me.

I've been going to Jenny Craig off and on since 2002. Which is maybe why they are so reluctant to let me go as a customer. But I am stahtin' ta get irruhtated.

The thing about JC that drives me nuts is the out-of-the-box training that their "consultants" receive. I've had seven of them over the years and while I've really clicked with a couple of them and adjusted to a couple of them, I wound up quitting as a result of the other three. I mean, not just because of them; in all three cases, I was done with the regimen by the time I quit, but I might have toughed it out if I hadn't been so annoyed by the consultants.

I'm sure they get paid shit. The high degree of turnover would seem to suggest so. Whenever I get a new one, we go through a couple of months of them doing all these standard, stupid questions that I feel like an arse answering: "So, what's your motivation for this week?" Uhhh, the same as it was last week. Be less fat.

The other thing that makes me feel stupid answering the questions is, they write it all down. Like it fucking matters! Is anybody gonna check six months from now what my social calendar was last week, and how I planned to deal with the diversity pot luck at work on Wednesday? Or how many times I exercised? Who cares? Quit recording everything -- it's weird! Let's just have a conversation.

Also: they call you every week, without fail, to confirm your appointment a day or two before it's scheduled. Even if you have a standing appointment for the same time every week and have done for a couple of years. I remember, with my first two consultants, I lobbied long and hard (and ultimately fruitlessly) to get them to stop calling me to confirm; same time next week, I got it. It's obviously just drilled into them as standard operating procedure. And I don't think they're encouraged to think for themselves, use their own judgment, work with clients according to the client's needs as opposed to by the company handbook. It just made me feel like a number.

Don't let the back door hit you in the ass on your way sneaking out
Anyway, in the fall, one of my favourite consultants, Regina, decided to go to teacher's college, which is awesome for her. For me, not so much. In her place I got Mary Victoria. My resolve had already been waning, I was tired of the menu. And I didn't have it in me to break in a new consultant. She was nice enough, don't get me wrong, but so often when I was talking I felt like she was seeing right through me. So I stopped going in late October. I didn't tell her I was stopping. I had a bad week and skipped my appointment, and the bad week stretched into a bad month, and then two, and by then my weight was outrageous, and... whatever, I quit.

But Mary Victoria will NOT. STOP. CALLING ME! Seriously, I haven't been in for an appointment in three months and she still calls and leaves messages to say she's "just checking in". I never answer. I know I could clear the whole thing up and get her to stop calling if I just picked up the phone and told her I'm taking a break. But I mean, come on. Hasn't she figured that out by herself yet? I feel like there is an unspoken battle of wills going on here. Well... okay... she has spoken. At this point, I just feel that on principle I should not be forced to break my silence. Isn't the customer supposed to be always right? Even when it comes to their method of communication? I think choosing to not answer the phone or return a call for three straight months is an effective (if chickenshit) method of communicating that I DO NOT WANT TO TALK TO YOU.

Lately, when I get a call from her, I'm so pissed that she's still calling that I want to pick up the phone and totally lay into her. But then I remember the battle of wills. I am kinda curious to see how long she will drag this out.

I'll keep you posted.

Jan 22: Move it or don't lose it

So, exercise.

It's a very weird thing, how I know how good it feels to move my body, get sweaty, push through the fatigue for just that extra little bit... and yet, when given the choice, I consistently choose the green couch. I will spend whole weekends on the green couch, watching TV, surfing the net with you lot, playing monotonous, soothing video games. It's embarrassing. The worst is on Monday mornings when people ask what I did on the weekend. Most of the time, the answer is literally "nothing". I don't know why I'm such a lethargic piece of lump. I can't blame the winter either. I'm a slob in the summer too.

It's a total mindfuck, is what it is. Exercise is physical, but achieving it is all mental. It's about having a plan, a routine, "motivation", being mindful and present and conscious of the choice I make to sit on the green couch or to get changed and go down to the exercise room and put in 20 minutes on the treadmill. Once it's done, I revel in the sense of accomplishment as much as I do in the physical after effects.

So this week I am re-introducing myself to an exercise program. As this is the first week, my delicate psyche requires a careful balance: I want to set achievable goals, not hurt myself or burn myself out by going too big or too hard and then giving up because I hurt too much the next three days. So, for this week, the goal is to do 15-20 minutes of cardio, for 5-6 days. Establish a routine and start building on it. In my condo building we have a fitness room with a bunch of crap that doesn't work and probably got "donated" by people who were moving out and wanted to save a trip to the dump. But there's a great treadmill and a functional bike, and that's all I need in order to get in my 20 mins of cardio at night.

Progress this week
As far as achieving my cardio target, I made it downstairs Monday, Tuesday and tonight (Thursday), so I'm right on track. (I count a week as Monday through Saturday; Sunday is the Lord Scale's day, in which we make offerings and pray for results.)

On the weekend I will start doing some resistance type training using the balance ball and DVD I've had since the fall. The DVD is broken into 20 minute chunks for lower body, upper body and core. So, do the video three times a week at first, each time focussing on a different part of the body.

Goal for the weekend
I am also going to make a concerted effort to do something on the weekends that involves going outside and moving my body, from now on. Could be getting bundled up and doing a lengthy walk (will hope for no slush; god damn I hate the slush). This weekend I think I may go skating at Nathan Phillips Square. I'm a Canadian, dammit! It's about time I started acting like one!

Optional exercise throw down
Okay so for those of you playing along at home, I chall-anj you all in the manner of Sandman Simms: pledge to do something outside this weekend! What's it gonna be?

Jan 20: What's on the menu?

Hello friends! Big-ass shout out to everyone who's dropped by so far. (Stop by later and maybe you'll get a smaller-ass shout out.)

So today's entry is about what I'm eating, and what I've stopped eating. One thing I've decided this time around, which is a new approach for me, is to make a concerted effort to cut back on the amount of sugar and carbs I eat. For a long time, I figured as long I cut my calorie intake to between 1200-1400 per day and got in some exercise of some sort, I was doing okay. And, I'm sure this still holds and I am not saying it's a bad idea for anyone reading this who is following that sort of program.

But what I found was, I was eating a looooot of carbs in the form of processed foods, mostly frozen dinners (I've been a Jenny Craig customer off and on for the last 5 years or so) and sugary, if small, snacks and desserts. (And then sometimes sugary and large... and multiple... snacks and desserts.) I always thought the low-carb thing was nuts and something I would never be any good at, because of the whole deprivation angle.

But I have a theory that so far is proving to be true: the less sugar you eat, the less you crave it. I'm hoping this holds when the inevitable emotional cravings try to storm the brigade of my resolve.

So the diet I've been following for a couple of weeks now is, eat around 5-6 servings a day of vegetables and usually 2-3 servings of fruit, have some lean protein at every meal, and try to stick with whole grains, and way less of them. And try to get this all to total around 1200-1400 calories a day.

Today's menu

Breakfast: 1 cup cottage cheese (1% milk fat) small banana 1/4 cup blueberries	200 cals 70 cals 40 cals
Lunch: 2 pieces 12 grain bread 3.5 small slices bacon 1 tbsp "lite" peanut butter 1.5 cups raw veggies	240 cals 70 cals 80 cals no score!
Dinner: 1 egg 1/3 cup egg whites 1/5 pkg tofu 1.5 oz parmesan cheese 1.5 cups veggies	75 cals 45 cals 60 cals 180 cals high five for freebies!
Dessert 3/4 cup frozen yogurt 1 clementine orange 1/4 cup blueberries	150 cals 25 cals 40 cals
Total	1275 cals

Okay, so there's some stuff I can work on there. Bacon is kind of an indulgence. Oh, and I forgot to include the ketchup. I used one slice of the bread I brought to have a half bacon sandwich with some ketchup. I am a ketchup fiend. I have made a concerted effort to cut back on the ketchup in an effort to steer clear of the sugary carbs. But sometimes I give in.

Also, the "lite" peanut butter - probably really over-processed and gross. It was in my drawer at work and I'm gradually finishing the jar. It's a good shot of protein and carb during mid day to have a slice of bread and some p.b. But I bet it won't taste so good when I get the kind that doesn't have sugar added to it. Frowny faces!

Fruit for dessert? Is this a trick?
For the past couple weeks I've been having fresh fruit with some variation of sweetened dairy product after dinner. The first week I had a spray can of light whipped cream. But I used too much of it per serving, I'm sure. Then I got Cool Whip Light. Which, hello, does not even exist in nature. So I've switched to frozen yogurt. Anyway, it seems to get the job done. I don't want to give up sugar completely.

For the most part I am feeling pretty satiated on this diet. I stop at the grocery store twice a week and get around $20-$25 in fresh produce. I don't spend any money on frozen dinners anymore, though, which is definitely a change.

Bonus: stave off mentalpausal hot flashes
And! For a long time I have been getting night sweats when I sleep. It's so uncomfortable and gross to wake up with your pyjamas and/or bed sheets soaked. Since I've switched to this diet, the sweats have vanished. Amazing.

Jan 19: Who wants to be a reality YouTube star

My original concept for this diary was to do it entirely on YouTube, as video blogs. (Freakin' YouTube calls them "vlogs", which sounds like a Klingon word or similar dorkspeak.) I recorded the first few clips and discovered that it takes for freakin ever to edit these things (I am still getting the hang of Apple's iMovie software) and also, I am not as naturally, spontaneously hilarious and interesting as I had once thought. Video is a cruel, unforgiving medium. You have no idea until you see yourself and all your rolls, rambling, muttering, stuttering, etc.

I decided I could not subject the audience to such torture, nor did I want to spend all of my time sitting on my ass making videos about my weight loss journey as opposed to getting some effin exercise, dig? So instead, I will provide you all with regular video updates, like weigh ins, measurements, maybe the odd field trip if I get a digicam.

You can find my YouTube channel at http://www.youtube.com/linnyqat, or just hang out here and I'll host any new videos as I create them. To wit:

Week 1 weigh-in:


Measurements:



Week 2 weigh-in:

Jan 11: Take it off! Take it ALL off!

Hiya, internet, and welcome. The time has come at last. I was doing okay in the fall - in October I signed up for a month of Booty Camp and got my ass kicked enough to paradoxically see myself as an ass-kicker, and then... what? Totally cocked it up with the age-old self-sabotage thing. In November and December I landed on the "all" side of the all or nothing spectrum and I think I gained around 15 pounds. And the drag of it is, food stops tasting good after the first 5 or so pounds gained, where you just eat everything you've been craving. After that, you keep eating that shit, with this anxious, empty hope that eating will be satisfying when other stuff in life isn't. And it never works. And I never learn. So here I goooo, agaiiiiiiiiinnn.

Well this time I'm trying something new. Instead of getting my revolving door of Jenny Craig consultants or the occasional Weight Watchers scale nazi to hold me accountable at the scales once a week, I'm inviting you, the internet, to hold me accountable. Are you up to the challenge?

D-Weighted
This structure for this blog, and for the program I'm setting up for myself, is based on the Canadian reality show, X-Weighted, which airs on the Slice Network. [American friends, I am told by one of my spies that you can't view their official site online which is totally effin lame and against the whole POINT of the internet, can I get a witness? Anyway, I put the link in anyway in case the Slice Network decides to open up their internet market. ]

So, the structure:

• The show follows a person over a six-month period
• At the outset, the participant is assessed by means of measurements, weight and a couple of brief fitness tests.
• Six months later, they're assessed by the same standards and you get to see how far they've come.
  
• The participant also sets a fitness goal to achieve in six months' time, plus a weight loss goal.

So as of Sunday, January 4, 2009:

Height: 5' 2"
Weight: 165.5

Here's the inglorious proof:



I'll be writing about my fitness tests in an upcoming blog. For now I want to go hide under the covers and hope nobody actually read that.