People have been asking me if I plan to do anything special. My response has just been to shrug and say, whatever. I haven't felt much of anything about it, one way or the other: dread or excitement. But this morning I was lying in bed and I had a bit of panic when I realized that when people ask me how old I am, I will have to say "40". It seemed to trigger that low-level anxiety that's always humming in the background about how I haven't done anything with my life of any import. I think this anxiety is borne of our culture's pre-occupation with individualism, the need to see ourselves as special, unique, different. Some people do it by naming their children Pilot Inspektor, others by broadcasting their thoughts on Twitter every 10 minutes... or, ahem, blogging them. I once had a therapist tell me that my desire to be special was what was making me unhappy. Still puzzling out how to rid myself of that desire. But actually, I am closer to understanding what makes me special. I think what I need to focus on for awhile is what makes everyone else special.[burrrrp] Okay, moving on from the deeply profound crap.
When I started this weight loss journey back in January, I was looking to my 40th birthday five months away as a short-term goal, hoping to be a lot thinner, to finally fit back into these great capri pants I got a couple years ago, to be able to bask in this accomplishment of getting my weight under control. Well, I am thinner, but not a lot thinner. I weighed in at 149 this morning. The capri pants do up, but just barely. And yet, I bask. I ran 5 miles last night. I can say, as I did when I turned 30, that I am fitter now than I have ever been in my life. I've stopped fighting those demons that have led to my food issues and just sort of accepted them as part of me. That's not the same thing as giving up. It's more like a détente, which is allowing me to find some peace.
Through this amazing thing called the Internet, I've made so many friends across Canada, the United States, and amazingly, the rest of the world. Many have long since moved past this arbitrary marker that we endow with so much meaning, and I see them thriving, relaxed and at peace with themselves, even as they continue with the daily struggles of life. I'm inspired by all of you, reassured that aging is not something to be feared, but something to be embraced. Thank you everyone.
I came thisclose to wearing my tiara to work today, but decided against it. (I do very fondly remember the night I received it, from my home girl Lanie, on the very drunken occasion of my 36th birthday, singing karaoke and doing smash-up derby cheers with far too many screwdrivers.) I settled for my World Wildlife Fund "Hotter Than I Should Be" t-shirt. Avec flair.
Posts
All of the best things in my life happened to me after I turned 40.
ReplyDeleteMy brother just turned 50 and he qualified for the Boston Marathon for the first time this year.
Age is a number, nothing more.
You are an inspiration! Life just gets better if you have the positive outlook and the intention....
ReplyDeleteLove you Linny! I'm so proud of you!!!
Can I has tiara today?
ReplyDeleteHappy Birfday to you!!!
Happy Birfday to you!!!
Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow!
Happy Birfday to you!!!
Nom nom nom!
Happy Birthday!
ReplyDeleteWhen I turned 40, I felt a bit blue, old, wistful, etc. But after a month or so, it wore off, and everything went back to normal. It's just a number.
I'm in better shape in my 40s than I've ever been. Last year, at 45, I ran my first half-marathon. When I was in my 20s and 30s, running 6 miles was a big deal.
My best friend says that the best thing about getting older is you don't have to apologize for as much stuff as you used to. By that he means that at a certain point, we just are who we are, and F U if you can't handle it. Younger people are still growing into their skins, and haven't quite come to terms with their flaws. Being comfortable with your own flaws isn't the same as giving in to them. But I digress.
Welcome to the 40s! It's a great era.
(Very nice photo, BTW!)
Happy Birthday!
ReplyDeleteOkay, so my husband is in crazy blog hell. He really doesn't "get" them, but someone told him he had to have one. Since I made the You Tube account for him, he thinks I can figure out how to post a link to his blog which I currently cannot. Then I sasheyed over to you You Tube remembering that's how I found your blog. So, could ya give me a hint on how you added your blog in upper right corner box? Crud, does that mean I have to know how to make those too? Here's my email: kathleen@benji.com Thanks much!
I think I'm gonna' have to finally pick up the phone and call you sometime. I was trippin' over "It seemed to trigger that low-level anxiety that's always humming in the background about how I haven't done anything with my life of any import. I think this anxiety is borne of our culture's pre-occupation with individualism, the need to see ourselves as special, unique, different."
ReplyDeleteYou've sure made a difference, and had an influence, in my life-- and just think of all the other bloggers... And you did it all whilst being up front, out front, and real. Purty fucking far out!
W O R D
Theresa, for sure, the older we get, the better we know ourselves, and I'm convinced that one can't be truly happy until one knows oneself, and what one wants. That's so very cool about your brother! Okay, I have 10 years to train... I think it's do-able.
ReplyDeleteDylan, I can't tell you what it means to me, to be reminded of the potential we all have to impact the world around us, just by putting ourselves out there, reaching out, living our lives as honestly as we can. Thanks for inspiring me too and reminding me to stay positive!
Lola c'mere you little pumice! You can has tiara, but only if you promise not to gnaing on it. Scritches little one.
The Jazzmeister, thanks for the photo props, here and elsewhere. And for offering your own considered reflections on what aging can mean, if we have the clarity and self-love to see through all the neurotic barrage of messages our culture bombards us with.
I was talking to a woman in my office on my birthday who is 30 years old. She told me how turning 30 was traumatic for her, but that she thought turning 31 would be harder because it would mean she was "IN" her 30s. I tried to be understanding (as opposed to rolling my eyes and saying something snide, which is always an option at the ready for me) and reassured her that the 30s are a great time; it's when you really start to know yourself.
So now, the 40s arrive, and now that I know myself, I guess I can pretty much do whatever the efF I want!
Kat, thanks for the birthday greetings. EVERYBODY, go check out Joe's YouTube channel - some great horsey videos and... BENJI!
http://www.youtube.com/user/skeetercamp
EastBest, I just adore you! It's so great when you put something out there and it resonates with somebody. None of us are alone, as long as we reach out. There's always somebody who understands.