Feb 15: Fat acceptance

On the weekend, my girl Taarnagh posted a link on Facebook to a blog by a woman named Lindy West who writes for a publication run by Dan Savage, the sex advice columnist and originator of the "It Gets Better" movement aimed at gay youth who are being bullied. The blog, entitled, Hello, I Am Fat was an eloquent smackdown of what she perceives as Dan Savage's anti-fat bias. It triggered a tidal wave of comments and has subsequently gone viral. It's a great piece, I encourage you to read it. And thanks to Taar for bringing my attention to it. (Dan Savage posted a rebuttal yesterday evening which I thought was also worthwhile if slightly more long-winded and hyperbolic. After the storm of protest against him, I didn't blame him for the hyperbole.)

So, where do y'all stand on this whole "fat acceptance" movement? I gotta admit, I'm pretty ambivalent. I don't accept my fat. Never have, and don't suppose I ever will. When I've lamented my weight to people in my life, most have responded with what I take to be sincere insistence that it is nowhere near as ugly to the world at large as it is to me. Point being, I don't feel unfairly discriminated against because of my weight. I don't opine for the world to accept fat people more readily. I opine for a method to accept myself more readily, sure. And I realize that weight loss isn't the golden ticket to happiness and self-acceptance. Or, some part of me does, since the few times I've been slim, it's had no bearing on my day-to-day happiness, except that I preen in front of mirrors instead of worry. Having said that, when I am fat, it adds significantly to my feelings of self-loathing, depression, lack of control, etc.

The obesity epidemic is troubling. On the other hand, the unrealistic standards of beauty perpetuated by the media and popular culture are also troubling. But as far as I'm concerned, the bullying, mean-spirited othering of people for any reason, whether it's because they are fat, gay, Republican, or just different ("you're weird" = one of my my all-time hated methods of marginalization) is the most troubling. Maybe if people were just less assy in general, there would be no need for a "fat acceptance" movement. I understand why fat people are angry about being "shamed". I shame myself all the time. I look at people who are fat and I shame them, in my head, as surely as I do myself. I don't say anything to them, or about them behind their backs (at least, not about their weight, heh), because the last thing I want is to contribute to that dialogue, or to be perceived by others as someone who thinks it's okay to make these hurtful comments. My feeling is, if someone is willing to make a comment like that to me about someone else, pretty much I can expect that they are making those comments about me, or thinking them about me, when I'm not around.

I don't think it's right to enable or encourage unhealthy behaviour. I recognize that for me, personally, at least some of my excess weight is a direct result of stuffing my body with an excess of salty and sugary carbs that have very little nutritional value. This is not a healthy behaviour, and I don't mean just physically. As I have talked about at length, my food and body issues are a manifestation of low self esteem and depression. On the other hand, I do think that my natural body type does veer towards a chubby silhouette. It's not like I was ever a skinny kid, and my mom was not one to over-feed me either. So maybe I am naturally meant to be a little higher than the curve as far as my weight is concerned, and I have been battling nature for so long that my bingeing (and the extra 25 pounds I put on this fall, for examp) is more about feelings of deprivation, rebelling against the internalized self-loathing, lack of self acceptance, etc, etc, etc. Whoa, irony.

Either way, as far as I'm concerned, "fat acceptance" is pretty much a distraction from the real issue at hand, which is self acceptance, and self awareness. I eat to distract myself from pain I don't want to feel, even though I understand that the end result of this action will inevitably be more pain. But this is the culture we live in: everything is purchased on credit, even taking on a debt of self-loathing to feel better in the moment.

I reject fat acceptance and instead choose to promote empathy and compassion for those who struggle to accept themselves and choose destructive behaviours to cope with the burden of sentience in a culture that has replaced the struggle to survive with the struggle to thrive.

Feb 9: Shout out to Jan!

Hello edge-of-your-seaters!

It's Wednesday afternoon, which means I come bearing news of The Scale. We are friends this week: down 1.8, which is pretty not bad considering I barely moved my lazy arse all week. I gotta get going on the activity thing. I know it. I just don't feel like it, you know? Whatever, cry cry, wah wah, nothing new under this massive, luminous ball of plasma a.k.a. the sun.

So I check my Google Analytics every day, just to get a sense of my global audience. Today I had a visitor from Romania. I get these international students from time to time. I think they took a wrong turn at Albuquerque, because they don't stay long.

Ever since my mom got herself a little MacBook and a high speed internet connection (and I reminded her of the existence of this blog), I've been seeing regular visits from Kingston, Ontario. Now, it could be my nephew, studying at Queen's University, coming in from the Facebook link when I post new blogs there, but I'm thinking... wait for it... no. My sense is that it is more likely my mom. Cuz she checks every day for new content! I love it! Only thing is, sometimes I've been known to use the F word and I'm not talking about frankfurters. All this time she thought I was pure as the driven snow. I wonder, does she wrinkle her nose and turn away? Does she roll her eyes and shake her head like the sadder but wiser girl? Maybe she laughs, safe in the knowledge I cannot see her acquiescence? Perhaps I'll never know. Maybe it's best that way.

Anyway, Jan and I go way, waaaaay back when it comes to dieting woes. Currently she's rocking the JC and training for her next marathon walk in late spring. You read that right. She walks ENTIRE marathons. Well, one at a time. But holy mother of... me... guys, CAN YOU BEWIEVE IT? The woman is impressive.

So, just wanted to dedicate this blog to my mom and to say thanks for raising me up to become the blog writing goddess (bloggess?) I am today. Please feel free to pay your respects below. In fact, I encourage it.

To Jan!

PS to Mom, but also others if you are interested, Jenny Craig's latest guinea pig is the hilarious Carrie Fisher. She is writing a blog on the JC website about her experience on the program, much like Sara Rue and Valerie Bertinelli did before her, although the updates are sporadic.

Feb 4: Inches, away!

Good Friday morning, chubmates,

I trust you've all had a week that could be described with some sort of adjective. I have to say, thus far, I am coping pretty well with winter in Catnada, comparatively speaking. Long time followers know that I struggle with depression, particularly in the winter months. This year my mood has been fairly stable, for whatever reason. This despite the fact my weight is still, after 9.6 pounds of weight loss, at an all time high. Whatever. I got a ton of new clothes on the weekend with my Christmas returns – a couple of outfits at full price goes a long way if you wait for the clearance sales – and I'm faithfully following the DubDub plan, so I feel in control. The lethargy lingers but I chalk that up to ancestral hibernation patterns. Evolution, you done me wrong.

So time flies when you're calorie restricting, n'est-ce pas? I've been on the DubDub straight-not-narrow lifestyle for four weeks now. Lost 1.2 this week, bringing me to 9.6 pounds, as mentioned. Significantly, I hit my 5% goal with this weigh-in. At DubDub, they like to tackle the mental challenge of long-term weight loss by giving people small, achievable goals to focus on to keep them encouraged. So the first goal is to lose 5% of your total body weight. All you math whizzes are getting out your calculators and gasping at the implication. Yes, I was 182.2 at first weigh in. Five foot two. So, yeah, everything I bought at the mall this weekend was size XL. Oh well. It is what it is.

Anyway, point being, if one is not totally embarrassed to put their hand up at a meeting to admit achievement of one of these goals, they will be soon after, because the leader gives you a STICKER, like you're in kindergarten and you made a poopy in the toilet and managed to pull your pants up all on your own. Despite my amusement, I quietly admit to you, my close, discreet circle of friends, that I proudly affixed the 5% sticker (it is, indeed, a STAR with 5% in the middle) to my weight tracker booklet. After all these years, there is still a Pavlovian thrill response attached to receiving merit badges or stickers.

Also, took my measurements last night. First of all, let me stipulate that this is an inexact science. Unless I get a tattoo on my hip and one on my waist – maybe just a line marker – I can't say for sure that I'm measuring the same place each month. With that said, it looks like I've lost an inch off the chest, three inches off the waist, two inches off the hips and one off the thigh. Right on! Maybe.

Okay, have an awesome weekend!

Feb 1: Sloth

So I haven't exercised this week once, not counting walking to/from work. Oh, and I counted my 2.5 hours of shopping on Sunday because I did break a sweat and I was flipping exhausted when it was over. It is better to look good than to feel good, dahling.

A couple of times I came close, mentally. But in the end, I gave in to the sin of slothfulness. I was wondering, though. Is sloth really so bad? (I at least did not give in to gluttony. I ate well this week and stayed within my points.) It seems like there should be a scale – GAH! not a scale – a spectrum, as far as the deadly sins are concerned. Greed or wrath or pride all seem kinda worse than just electing to hang out on the green couch for a week. I decided to look it up.

What do you know! My best friend Wikipedia tells me that "sloth is often seen as being considerably less serious than the other sins". RIGHT ON! Oh, hang on a sec. Apparently, in Dante's Purgatory, the penance for sloth was running continuously at top speed. Who knew marathoners were such a bunch of lazy sinners?

So do you think if I promise Dante to do some continuous running next week at... mid speed... that God won't punish me tomorrow with a shitty weigh-in? Paws crossed.

Aside, though: who doesn't envy the life of the sloth? GAH, another deadly sin. Dang.

Jan 27: Metabolism like oobleck

First off: shout out to the birthday girl, most Snaggest of All, Ms. Punica Granatum!

Okay, on to the business at hand. Now that I'm a card carrying DubDub meeting attendee, weigh-day is Wednesdays. I go to a lunch time meeting with my girl L-Mac² (another well-deserved shout out). I can see you readers checking your mental calendar and wondering "what the fizzucky, Kentucky, that's two weigh-ins you haven't told us about!" Calm down. We here at D-Weighted are all about becoming healthy people and we totally don't care about the numbers on the scale.

Respectfully,

Anyway. After my first big week (down 6.8 pounds - whaddup), I lost a measly .6 the next week, which I attributed to that snarky bitch Mother Nature from the Tampax commercials (sorry for TMI, but those ads are hilarious/punch-inducing), and then yesterday I learned I'd lost just one pound. Okay, okay, "we are not about numbers here" (press play, above).

When I was doing Jenny Craig, I fell into a bad habit of getting weighed on Saturday and then going absolutely apeshit berzerker and eating whatever I wanted, plus things I probably did not want, for the rest of the day. The first 3 or 4 days of the week would be spent making up for Saturday's bad behaviour, and so I was doing well if I lost a half pound to a pound in a week. This time around, thus far anyway, I have been soooo good! I don't even eat my damn flex points. I don't take weigh-day off. I continue primly on with my point counting and dogged adherence to the program.

I just can't believe how easily I put on 25 pounds in the fall, and how hard it is to lose it. I was hoping, at least in the first month or two, that rejecting the so-called "cheat day" mentality would result in a couple pounds a week loss, at least at first, especially because I have so much more to lose now. But perhaps I have permanently crapped up my metabolism. Or, I'm just old. I don't know.

The thing is, there is nothing to be done about it, except suck it up and continue on. I realize that I just CANNOT continue to slack off like I did in the fall and be okay with gaining a bit of weight, knowing I can re-double my efforts when I am more mentally prepared to do so. That shit just won't fly no more. It is irritating to say the least. But there's just no point in whining about it, because that's only going to foster resentment, which inevitably leads to bad behaviour (see diagram). It is what it is.

No worries, fwiends. I'm irritated, but undeterred. Still determined, still feeling good about improving my health, still realizing that the psychological issues that are behind the constant up and down on the scale is what I really need to address. I'm okay, and actually still feeling PDG in spite of it all.

Jan 24: Hello Monday

Greetings, pork belly futures, or should I say soon-to-be-pasts,

How was the weekend? I am pleased to report that I ran (okay, yogged) 3 miles on Saturday and 2 miles on Sunday. I did 3 and 1's (run 3 mins; walk 1), which helped considerably. The last time I got on the treadmill was a couple weeks ago, when I first started back on the straight but not narrow lifestyle, and after 10 minutes (no walkies), my asthma was such that I could not continue. Instead I increased the incline and walked for 20 more minutes. It was hard not to feel dejected, but I soldiered on.

Over the past two weeks, I've gone to the gym on average twice a week, and done an hour of cardio each time. Mindful of my wheezing, tubnacious stature, I didn't push myself to go too, too hard. Relied on my trusty heart rate monitor to assuage any guilty concerns I wasn't pushing myself hard enough. When your watch is beeping like a neglected car alarm for your entire workout, you take it as a sign that it's okay to do the elliptical at level 3 instead of your customary level 6. Anyway, all this to say, my cardio endurance or capacity or whatever is definitely improving, which is a very good feeling indeed. I have big plans to increase my gym attendance this week to 3 times a week, plus runs on the shitty warped treadmill in my building that gives me massive static shocks from the dry weather.

Eating has also been awesome. I even went out on Friday night with the Miaouw and managed to get mildly sloshed, have dinner, and only use 2 of my flex points. I drank white wine and ate a salad with salmon and dressing primly on the side. Excellent work. Also braved the insanely cold weather yesterday (although I did not go so far as to run an 8k race like my rockin friend The Torq - photos on Facebook looked like she was doing a deep sea dive in all the head-to-toe gear she was wearing) to go to the grocery store and stock up on low-point treats to stave off any pending feelings of deprivation. My freezer runneth over.

So overall I am feeling PDG (pretty damn good). Just wanted you all to know that. Anybody out there need me to tell them how damn good they are? I am more than happy to do so.

x's and o's for all y'all!

Jan 20: Fitness goals

So, a couple years ago when I started this blog, I decided to set a fitness goal of running a 10k. When I achieved the goal a couple months later, I reflected in a video blog that setting a goal had been a key factor in getting my ass out to the gym on a regular basis. I really do believe that. If you have to train for an event of some kind (whether it's one of your own planning or a large scale organized affair), the motivation to ensure you're prepared for it tends to get you off the couch when plain old vanity or concern for your health might not be sufficient.

So what is my current fitness goal, you may ask? Well. I am still deliberating on whether this is something I will feel comfortable attempting, but I am toying with signing up for the Good Life Toronto (half) Marathon, happening Sunday, May 15. I haven't signed up yet, probably won't until much closer to the date.

The background on this heady notion: for several years now, my mom and I walk this half-marathon route, although up until this year, the event has been held in October, not May. This past October, we were signed up to do it, and then my mom injured her knee. I decided to go anyway, with her encouragement. I hadn't done any training, hellz, I hadn't even done any running for several months. But since I was there on my own, I decided to experiment and see how much of the route I could run. I was able to alternate running and walking until about the 15 km mark, when the pain was too great to continue the pavement pounding, so I did my best to walk the rest as fast as I could. Where my mom and I have normally completed the 21k in around 3:45-3:50, I finished in 3:11. Not exactly world class, but I was pleased. I thought if I could do that with no training at all, maybe I could improve my time considerably by the new spring date. At least I have a time to shoot for. I'm sure I could get under 3 hours, and would hope for around 2:30-2:45.

The thing is, I am so fucking fat and out of shape right now! I have no lung capacity, and get the asthma-wheezies after 10 mins of running. I really need to build up to it, and I'm not sure four months is enough. So for sure I will sign up for the Sporting Life 10k again, happening 2 weeks before the half marathon, on May 1. I will look to improve my time again this year (first time, 1:09; last year, 1:07). I'm sure running will get easier once I shed some of the excess baggage, and also get back into shape.

The Good Life marathon route is similar to the Sporting Life route (although twice as long), in that they both go straight down Yonge St for much of the run, which is mostly all downhill. This is a sizable carrot in front of me. I could put off the fitness goal til the fall, when Toronto's other marathon, the Scotiabank Toronto Waterfront marathon, happens on Oct. 16. But I like the idea of the downhill boost. So, I don't know.

For sure I will do the 10k. For now I am focussing on just doing an hour of cardio in the gym 3 times a week, gradually introducing running into that as I start to feel more fit. Basically, I am not a fan of running. I am a fan of achieving seemingly impossible goals, though, so I soldier on.

What about y'all? Share a goal so I can hold you to it!

Jan 18: The new DubDub

Hello pudge-busters!

So, as I said last week, I am back on the Weight Watchers bandwagon and so far I am very pleased. They've done some tinkering with their program and the changes are great. If you are unfamiliar with the ways of the DubDub, I gave a quick rundown of it last year. Foods are assigned a point value. You get X number of points per day, depending on your current weight. Points used to be calculated based on calories, fibre and fat content of a food. One point was around 50 calories, but if it had higher fibre and/or lower fat, the caloric value could be a little higher.

With the revamp, points are calculated differently. Calories don't figure in to the equation at all; instead, you enter grams of protein, carbohydrates, fat and fibre to calculate the point value. Foods that are higher in protein/fibre and lower in carbs/fat tend tend to have a lower point value. The thinking is, two items may have the same calories before you ingest them, but the amount of those calories your body uses to digest the food will vary depending on their nutritional value. Some foods are far more efficient.

I think this is fantastic for a few reasons:

1. Calories, and the need to count (some might say obsess, but I don't judge) are removed from the the equation. While counting calories may be effective, there is no incentive to eat foods with more nutritional value. It's a subtle way to shift the way I think about food, not thinking about calories all the time.
   
   (Having said that, it's a hard habit to break, and I usually keep a mental tab on how many calories I've ingested on any given day. As you know, I love to count.)
   
   
2. In the past, the strength of DubDub's points system, its flexibility, was also its weakness. If you wanted a Big Mac, you could eat a Big Mac. You couldn't eat anything else that day, but the option was always there. With this revision, the flexibility is still there, but I feel like I am being encouraged, almost pushed (in a good way), to make healthier choices.

Okay, those are kind of the same reason, stated twice. Whatever, you get the idea.

The other thing that totally ROCKS is the advent of free fruit. Even though they contain carbohydrates, fruits are no longer assigned any points. So if I've eaten all my points in a day and I'm craving a little somethin-somethin, I eat frozen grapes. LOVE the frozen grapes! And I add a banana (formerly 2 precious points of my daily allotted 23) to my cottage cheese breakfast in the morning with impunity! When I want something decadentish, I go to the store and buy fresh pineapple chunks. SO! GOOD! The result is that I am eating far more fruits and vegetables than ever before. I think free fruit is a revolutionary idea in the world of dieting and I am ALL for it.

Since the point value of many foods has gone up with the new calculation, the daily allotment of points (and the weekly allotment of "flex" points, to be used for special occasions or to bump up your daily points allowance if you need it) has gone up. It used to be 23 daily plus 35 for the week, and now it's 29 daily and 45 for the week. Now that fruit is free, I feel like I have more points than I know what to do with! It's awesome! (This is another reason why I count my calories at the end of the day - just to check in on how much I'm actually eating. FYI, the amount of calories I ingest in a day of eating 29 points and a couple of free fruits is around 1200-1300 a day, which is pretty standard on a healthy weight loss diet.)

So the changes are not so much about how much you eat (you get the same amount of calories each day, more or less), but about how you think and feel about the food you are eating, and about the choices you are making. I'll make a stir fry and eat it without rice and I'm satisfied. (If I'm not, I'll eat some FREE FROZEN GRAPES!)

So, thumbs up to the new DubDub. So far, so good.

Jan 17: Fat symptoms

I hate wake-up calls. Wish I could chuck my clock radio out the window like an SCTV television set. But they are necessary evils in navigating through a world where our minds and bodies have been segregated into different classrooms.

I've been a pudgy little lady from pretty much day one, but I've always been very healthy. On all of the medical questionnaires I've ever had to fill out for whatever reason throughout the years, it's been a long list of checkmarks in the "no" box, for the most part. I do have mild asthma, exacerbated by cold weather and/or sometimes highly aerobic activity like running. But generally speaking, I am very fortunate.

I've been unhappy with my weight for most of my life, but in the past it was all about vanity. Lately, though, I've been alarmed to find that the extra weight seems to be having physical effects on my ability to get 'er done in the day to day. Probably because there is so much extra weight. Getting up off the sofa is no longer just a mental/emotional challenge - I sometimes find myself struggling to push myself up, much to my horror and embarrassment. My asthma has been much worse than usual. I can't exercise to the level I had become accustomed without my heart rate zooming up - have had to curtail the intensity. That could just be that I let myself get out of shape, but I suspect this is augmented by the sheer volume I am trying to move these days too.

Yikes, guys! My current BMI is 32, which is classified as "Very Overweight". Not yet obese, but even so. I've taken my health for granted because it has come so naturally to me for my whole life. But carrying around all this weight is taking a toll that has me, finally, more concerned about wellness than about hotness. I've put on so much weight around my middle - my waist has disappeared. And I know that belly fat is the most dangerous kind, in terms of heart disease.

Scary.

It's good though - if vanity and/or self-loathing wasn't quite enough to get me back on the wagon, maybe the threat of cardio vascular disease was! Well, either way, I am back on the road to wellness now, and hope you all are taking care of yourselves too.

Jan 14: TRIUMPHANT RETURN!!!

Okay, not so much triumphant as peeking around stealthily and sneaking in when I figure nobody's looking. If only I didn't have this EXTRA 25 POUNDS TO HIDE.

I am serious, yo. It pains me to admit it, but it's best for me to admit it. Somehow, during the fall, I gained back all the weight I had lost plus another 10. I mean, not "some" how - I know how, but even so, it was shocking when I finally mustered the courage to get on the scale again last week. I am the heaviest I have ever been. Nothing fits. I had to buy new, size XL underwear even. I had to buy new jeans. (I went to Old Navy and grabbed a pair of size 16 jeans, did not even try them on, and dejectedly headed back to my foodcave. Luckily/unluckily, they fit.) This was in December. Pre-Christmas, even! GAH.

Yeah, so. Nothing new under the sun as Shakes the Clown once said. I've been writing this blog for two years, on and off. Taken as a whole, it paints a pretty good picture of the life of a yo-yo dieter. Feel free to send all your fat, forlorn friends here, who may need to understand they are not alone.

Wha happen???

So I gave up on JC around mid-summer, I think. In the fall, I kept trying to get back in the groove, and made several arrested attempts to address my ever-burgeoning belly. Nothing was working for me and it was as if I was watching myself get bigger and bigger and bigger, feeling helpless and almost even resigned to it. Terrible feeling.

At Christmas, I included Geneen Roth's Breaking Free from Emotional Eating in a bulk shopping order, for myself. I've been carrying it around from room to room. Last weekend I even read a couple pages. We are getting to know each other first, before committing to anything serious. Conquering this stuff is a marathon, not a sprint. Okay, that's two different metaphors in one paragraph.

My fear about committing to reading the book is silly, but here it is: I feel like, you're supposed to eschew all notions of dieting if you want to get over the compulsive eating thing. But I don't want to be this fat! I want to get thin and THEN get over my compulsive eating. Which I know is counter-intuitive. You don't need to tell me! It's okay. I am living with the fear, making friends with it, disarming it with my charm. (Maybe that's why it's taking so long?) When I'm ready to go there, I will.

Meantime... Weight Watchers!

I decided to give it yet another go. This time, I am going to meetings, not just tracking online. I don't know if I'll stick around at the actual meetings - I tend to look for support through the online communities I am a part of, including this outlet (hint, hint) - but I find it helps me to stay on track if I am accountable to a Scale Nazi.

The new program rocks. FRUIT IS FREE! It's still about points, but the points are calculated differently, with more emphasis on foods that are protein and fibre rich. Foods with a lot of carbs have more points than they used to. Ironically, this no longer applies to the complex carbs found in fruits. It's fantastic.

I lost 6.8 pounds in the first week, which was very encouraging. Of course I feel the need to add the proviso that I always lose big in the first week. We shall see how it goes moving forward. One thing I will say is that I am going to make a concerted effort to avoid the "party on the weekend" mentality that was slowing my progress down in the past. Used to be I got weighed on Saturday mid-morning and then ate everything in sight the rest of the day. Bad idea jeans. I suspect it was affecting my metabolism.

Anyway.

I'm back!

Jul 29: Family Weekend approacheth

Heya rubberneckers!

Whassup. So, I lost 2.2 pounds last week. Right on! I am still 1.4 above where I was pre-birthday, and that in itself was around a pound up from my glorious, all-too-brief visit with the 140s. I am trying my dangdest not to get caught in this stubborn up-down-up-down cycle that tends to happen when I get bored. But you know what they say: tryin' is lyin'. Do, or do not. There is no try. Eh, suck it Yoda.

So on Saturday we are heading to my mom's for the annual Family Weekend extravaganza. Back mid-day on Monday. My plan is to hold off on getting drunk and eating everything for as long as I can, which may take me to as late as Saturday night. We'll see.

The last session of Booty Boot Camp was supposed to be last night. I skipped it, and then it turned out it got cancelled due to thundershowers. So it's been rescheduled for Friday night, and now I have to face the whole guilt trip over again about wanting to skip it but knowing it is for my own good, blah, blah etc. I am still SO not interested in sweating and making effort. This of course contributes to the up-down-up-down phenomenon. Or is a result of it.

I had a totally crazy notion that has not yet departed the swirling, dry ice pensieve where my thoughts live, which is to sign up for TWO locations of Booty Boot Camp (a Mon/Wed class and a Tue/Thurs class) - just for the month of September. Four weeks of pain and whinging. The idea is to bank on the limited amount of Fall Renewal Energy that I always have - you know, that sense that it's another school year, everything's a blank slate and if you just apply yourself, you could really hit the big time as far as achieving your potential. It's the Back To School factor, which I have never quite shaken, some 20 years after school has ended for me.

So I'll keep you posted. Meantime, pray for me as I go for the gold this weekend. I will settle for bronze. Actually, a certificate saying I've completed the weekend would be fine.

Jul 20: Aqua Fit Hunger Force

Number one in the hood, yo!

So, I mentioned last week that I was gonna give Aqua Fit a go. Most atypically, I followed through and actually went. Right on! Pointsss!

It was pretty much as I had anticipated. Not very challenging, and for the first time in my life, I was the youngest and fittest person at a group exercise class. Am I going back? You bet your Hand Banana I am!

It was so great to be in a pool again. Something about the scent of chlorine is so comforting. Maybe it's the guarantee of safety from horseflies, weeds, water snakes and leeches. Maybe it's blueness. Yeah, I realize it isn't blue. kthx. I don't know. Me and chlorine, we go way back. When I was a kid, my intrepid single mom worked hard and got a promotion and we moved out to a deluxe townhouse in the suh-huh-burb. We chose our unit for its close proximity (directly across the street) to the pool. In summer, my mom didn't need to worry about babysitters. I was in the pool all day, every day. My parents called me "water baby". And then several years ago, I was at a job that was right around the corner from a community centre. I got into the habit of swimming every day on my lunch break. I had to buy a new bathing suit about three times a year, I swam so much. I loved it.

So back to the Aqua Fit. It wasn't very taxing. I almost felt guilty for going to an exercise class and not feeling more desperate for it to be over. I decided I could show up half an hour early and swim lengths, to get a bit of cardio action. So tonight I'm stopping at The Bay to pick up some new goggles, perhaps even an Esther Williams flowered bathing cap, and then heading for the pool.

Right on!

Jul 19: Echo... echo... echo... [sniffle]

Hey man, where'd everybody go?!!!

I am lonesome. To prove it, I ate an entire box of Lucky Charms yesterday. Alas, it wasn't until I checked my Google Analytics yet again and discovered a sad little lumpy trail very close to zeroes every day that I realized, over the top antics and food contest triumphs are useless in cyberspace unless you blog about them.

Maybe y'all are just echoing my own apathy back at me. Too hot too type. Well, sure.

Anyway, I went back to JC on Saturday. My weight has zoom, zoom, zoom-a-zoomed, up to 154 pounds. You would think that would have prevented the Lucky Charms incident but you would have thought wrong. And I would have been insulted that you know me so little after a year and a half of this vicious cycling. As it happens, no harm was done since this place is emptier than a dictionary entry for "refudiate".

Come back, my people! I need you!

Jul 15: Back on the ole Wagon Wheel

Okay, okay, my rebellious foray into stomach expansion has at last played itself out. I am still in the process of ascertaining exactly how much damage my little jaunt has wrought. I weighed myself on Saturday morning. It was not pretty. I was up 7 pounds from the day I flew out west (about a week and a half earlier), and that number was already up a few pounds from the birthday eatings. Of course a lot of it is water weight. I have dropped 5 pounds in the last 5 days of wagons east.

I am currently not at all interested in exercise. Last week it was sweltering, India-hot in Toronto. Since I was OTW anyway, why would I struggle through booty camp when instead I could make a beeline for air conditioning and pizza? (Um, how about, because it's better to sweat from exercise than from bloat? Yeah.)

I went to Booty Camp last night for the first time in 2 weeks. So much for the exercise motivation of not wasting money I've already spent on a class. Ah well. It was tough but not terrible. I was totally inspired by a new woman who is much heavier than me, toughing it out, finishing last in all of the cardio courses set out for us (run to certain point, do 5 pushups, run some more, do burpees, run up and down hill, do sit-ups, etc.) When I'm falling behind I just skip the pushups or whatever, but she was doing everything, no matter how long it took her. I thought, good on her. (Less so on me...) She and I were later partnered up for an insane exercise (one person is on the ground in pushup position, the other grabs pushup person's legs, sort of wheelbarrow style, and you have to do pushups with them holding your legs up. We both fell on our faces with every attempt) -- anyway, we both just congratulated each other on even BEING there and decided not to worry about keeping up with the January Joneses.

Tonight I am going to check out Aqua Fit at the Manulife Centre Good Life club. It's the only Good Life in Toronto with a pool, and it's only a 10 minute walk from my apartment. I thought I'd try something a little lower impact, in water no less, since my motivation to sweat is not what it has been in the past. (Well geez I sweat every day just walking to work!) Part of me feels guilty for "taking the easy way out" i.e. going to an exercise class for old ladies and fatties. Isn't that lame? Anyway, I realize my hubris will most likely splash water in my face when the old ladies kick my ass into the deep end tonight. We shall see.

What about y'all? Do you exercise in summer? How do you stay motivated? I go pretty easy on myself. Perhaps too easy, but then again, at least I come back to it eventually. What I lack in stamina I make up for in Sisyphusian determination. Or, inevitable anxiety about my ever-bulging pooch. Either way.

Jul 7: I ca fee my tugh

Dearest bloglodytes,

It's been a little while. I like to keep you in suspense. Currently I am in my early summer shame spiral. It's an annual event for this time of year. Not feeling too shamey, I am happy to report. Here's the sitch: my birthday is June 26. This year, the festivities started a little early. We had pre-birthday birthday week eatings. Then there were the birthday eatings. Not too bad this year, actually. This was followed by a couple of days of post-birthday eatings. Oops. Next thing you know, it's June 30 and I'm on a plane out to my Nana's for 4 days of family eatings. I made fair-to-middling attempts to keep the sabotage light and airy, like a buttery croissant. Getting drunk those two nights didn't help. Ah, WTF. It's family. I'm supposed to endure it sober?

So anyway. I came back on Sunday morning this week. Red-eye. I went to bed when I got home, and when I woke up later I felt like, hmmm... not done eating yet. So this week has been total baron munchausen. I haven't weighed myself since before I left for my Nana's - a week ago, come to think. I keep thinking I can still rescue this trainwreck, get rid of at least the water retention numbers before I get weighed on Saturday. But then I start to feel reckless. But then I see myself in the mirror. But then I think of chocolate. But then my pants are not as roomy. You can see my dilemma!

Anyway, slightly off the rails at this point. I just ate a 235 gram bag of Salt and Vinegar chips, here in my office at work. The bag was hidden from view in one of my canvas grocery bags. I was sneaking handfuls out. (SECRET EATING!!! The best kind for obsessive eaters such as I!) Alas, my tongue feels like it went for a swim in the Dead Sea. This gives new meaning to the term "salty tongue". Fuck, yeah!!!

Later dudes. Enjoy the summer shame spiral.

Jun 21: "Birthday Week"

Stumblers upon,

First things first, I will relieve you of your hopping crossed-leg feeling of anxiety and assure you that I lost a pound this week and have now crossed from one meaningless family of numbers to another. Weight: 149.4; total lost: 21.6 pounds. Good on me.

Saturday I came back from the weigh-in to surprise pizza and wings. In the afternoon! Insane. Saturdays are a day of gluttony and indulgence in my household. It's kinda disgusting but it is one of life's small pleasures.

Anyway, Sunday I got back on the horse, until I came home from the shopping mall and felt like eating ice cream and such. Then take out Thai for dinner, followed by macademia nut cookies and All Dressed. Yiiiiikes. Food coma. Two nights in a row of this crap is a punishment. The Miaouw reassures me: "It's Birthday Week!" The Miaouw loves a good week of totally insane eating and gluttony as much as the next guy. More than most guys, actually. Last year we had TWO cakes on my birthday. Cake is one of my all-time favourite things to binge on, but even so, that was an embarrassing amount of cake. I am going to put my foot down this year with the Miaouw, though. One king size cake only.

It is interesting, though, going through a night of bingeing and watching myself from my Samantha-from-Bewitched perch at the top of the room. You can't read a book about eating awareness and then engage in compulsive eating without some degree of cringeing/shoulder shrugging. I tell myself it is okay to do anything that I want to do as long as I choose to do it with awareness. Sometimes awareness is something I fight against, I think. Tricky stuff.

Anyway, off to do booty-busting penance tonight.

Jun 17: Just hey-sayin

Heya folks,

Yeah, I got nuthin. Last week I gained .4, so I am still clinging stubbornly to the 150s. It's fun here! You should try it. Have some ice cream. Or, some celery, depending. God aren't you sick of it? I know I am. At the same time, after awhile, I find I settle into a rhythm. I am sick of it mattering so much to me though. So I pretend that it doesn't. Fake it to make it. Sometimes that even works.

Booty Boot Camp fucking hurts like a motherfuck. Sorry Christians and under-agers, but it's the truth. Ah well. There is satisfaction in getting through a class, to be sure. I haaaate when I look around because I am taking a break when my gluteous is maximussed out, and I see all these skinny ...young ladies... still cheerily lifting their tiny asses off the ground. At such times I comfort myself with the fact that I am out there AT ALL. (Which I wasn't, yesterday. Sigh. I felt as though I'd cheated on my taxes or littered or something.)

On Monday I did 45 mins of cardio before Bootcamp, which I thought was superior work. I went to the gym for another 45 mins of cardio on Tuesday, and was set to repeat the pre-Bootcamp cardio last night, when suddenly I was hit with a wave of exhaustion. I went home with the intention of napping and then doing a run on the treadmill later in the evening instead. Anybody laying odds on how that worked out? (Tip: go for the safe bet.)

So tonight I have plans to do some sort of something or other. And tomorrow, glorious Summer Friday (my office has summer flex hours - we work 45 mins longer for 9 days and get the 10th off, i.e. every other Friday) my plan is to get out my beautiful, dusty Specialized bike (that's me posing with it during a bike tour of British Columbia in 2003) and go for a loooooong bike ride on Lake Ontario's glistening-if-you-don't-look-too-closely shoreline.

And then on Saturday I will get weighed in BUT I TOTALLY DON'T CARE IF I HIT THE 140s.

Have a great weekend fwiends.

Jun 9: Distortion

Fwiends, Womans, Countwymen!

How's everybody? I am a little bit shy, after posting my gearing up for change blog last week. Feels like, okay, I put it out there, so now I have to do it. Which... not really. Since posting it, I have retreated in a most typical fashion, resisting my own throw-down to self. That's okay. I recognize it as part of my process. Haven't picked up the Geneen Roth book since, either. I could get all mean and bully myself over it, but instead I find myself laughing gently as a parent does toward a child (or as a human companion does toward a cat). Oh, Lindsay! You silly girl! I say it to myself affectionately. Practicing kindness as best I can.

Meantime, for those who only pretend to be highly evolved and really want to know the numbers sitch, I have now lost 20.6 pounds. Last week I went in to JC all set to gain access to the long lost land of the 140s. Of course my body defied me and I lost .6, which put me at exactly 150. Fine, if that's the way you want to be about it, body... uh, okay. Next week. Or, the week after. Whatever. I'm highly evolved and don't care one whit.

On Monday I went to my first session of Booty Camp Fitness. I had my last [sniffle!!] session with Derek on Friday, so it was perfect timing. Booty Camp is for the ladeez only. It's twice a week in an outdoor setting and it seems designed to rip your quad muscles into shreds. Two days later, they are sore to the touch. I do know from the last time I did it that the soreness goes away after a couple of sessions. It is a brutal workout. They make Derek look like Roseanne. Anyway, that's the fitness update.

Okay, on to subject heading: today's blog is about uncertainty regarding body image. For as long as I can remember, I have not been able to pass a reflective surface of any kind without glancing over for reassurance and/or self-flagellation. It's humiliating to admit one's extreme vanity, but there it is. The thing is, I just can't tell. Sometimes I'm walking outside and I look in a darkened window and I'm like, hunh, not bad. Okay, you can pass for average. Next thing you know I am punished severely for my hubris by the bathroom mirror at work.

I know my measurements, and when I watch shows like Bulging Brides and The Last 10 Pounds Bootcamp, I see these women who have similar measurements to mine in their "before" stage, and to me they look pretty average. But I am so conditioned to think of myself as "the fat girl" that I don't trust what I see in the mirror (unless it's the distorted fat-view). And of course, I always factor in my height (5'2"). I might have similar measurements to the women on the shows I mentioned above, but if that's the case, I usually assume I'm 5 inches shorter than them. Sometimes yes, sometimes no. But when it comes to assessing where I sit on the spectrum of body types, I really honestly just do not know. I think that I must be fooling myself when I see a reflection that looks okay (if not fantastic).

I always used to say that my goal in wanting to lose weight is not to be super-skinny - I don't even entertain the notion anymore. I just want to be able to walk down the street and feel like I am average. "Not fat." Like, if someone were to casually glance at me, they would not mentally classify me as overweight. (Spoken like a person who does this to everyone else she passes on the street. Urgh.)

At the first session of Booty Boot Camp two nights ago, I scanned the group of about 30 women, vainly searching for someone with lumps and imperfections. (Most of the women there were about 15-20 years younger than me and looked the way I'd hope to look in my "after" picture.) I was relieved to spot a few, and even more relieved that, actually, I didn't really care all that much. I'm out there, challenging myself, working just as hard as any of the other women. Some of us may have a little futher to go. Some of us may never reach the "destination". I think part of "getting ready to get ready" is letting go of this false destination, and re-setting my sights on a more fulfilling goal. I suspect if I ever find a way to absorb the Geneen Roth message, it won't matter. I will accept my body.

Not there yet. Not even close. But... closer than I used to be. And that's good enough for now.

Jun 1: Getting ready to get ready

Two or three lifetimes ago, I confided to a new friend that I was unhappy in my marriage and that I didn't know what I was going to do about it. She gave me some very simple and compassionate advice that I have always remembered: "Give yourself permission to do nothing about it, except get ready for change." At the time, I was young (24) and it hadn't occurred to me that I could just sit with my feelings, be aware that I had a problem but do nothing to solve it. Her advice came as such a huge relief to me. "When you're ready to do something, you will." She was right.

Well I've been giving myself permission to not deal with my dieting and eating addictions for about 10 years now. Not that this has only been a problem for 10 years. But 10 years ago was when I started seeing a therapist after successfully dieting down to 120 pounds. Despite the fact I preened in front of every mirror I passed, I was utterly miserable. My job was stressful, I was over worked and under appreciated. I was engaged to a guy I loved dearly but was not in love with. I hungered, but I did not know for what. I got into the habit of binge eating for 2-3 days after getting weighed in, and then exercising furiously and eating frugally for the rest of the week in a desperate bid to hold on to my new thin body.

I told my new therapist about my diet/binge cycle and she said if I really wanted to get to the core of the problem, I needed to stop dieting all together. "Eat whatever you want," she told me, even if it was cake for dinner. Music to my ears! I gained 20 pounds in the space of a couple of months. (Hmmmm, my inner Marge Simpson thought.) She also suggested that I try "eating in awareness". That is, don't watch TV, don't read, don't do anything else while you are eating. Stay in the moment and pay attention to what happens when you eat. I tried it a few times and I gotta admit, it freaked me out. I found the exercise too challenging. It made me afraid.

I'm not sure what I was afraid of, but I can tell you that the fear has never left me. It is at times paralyzing, debilitating, and probably contributes greatly to my cycling depression in the past few years. I know that I'm afraid that "there is no cure" for what ails me. I've tried to just accept that binge eating is "what I do", and tried to control it with a balance of eating well and exercising in between. But I know there's a lot more to it, and that I've been afraid of the hard emotional work I need to do to get to the bottom of it.

Some time later, after I'd quit my stressful job, broken up with my fiancé, gained 10 more pounds and stopped seeing this therapist, I realized that I wasn't ready to deal with the core issues behind my eating disorder. In the interim years since then, I've yo-yo'd up and down the scale, been officially diagnosed with binge eating disorder, sought treatment that I wasn't ready for, and started to believe that there is no hope for me, that I will always look to food as my best friend and worst enemy, recognize it as hollow and superficial but keep running back to it, seeking the validation I desperately crave. All along, in the back of my mind, I know that diets don't work, that I am substituting food for... something, that I am avoiding dealing with some fundamental core issues. When I have those conscious moments of awareness, I soothe myself by saying, "give yourself permission to do nothing, until you are ready". I think sometimes it just takes as long as it takes, and the best thing we can do for ourselves is forgive ourselves for needing and taking comfort where we know we can find it, even if it is fleeting.

In my blog from last month, Coping with success, my beloved friend Joy commented that she'd been reading Geneen Roth's latest book, Women, Food and God. Joy said Geneen Roth has been around a long time writing about "food stuff", but I had never heard of her. I did a bit of googling and decided to check out some of her writing. So I went out one restless Saturday night and picked up one of her first books, Feeding the Hungry Heart. On the way back from the bookstore, I bought a huge bag of chocolate from the bulk candy store. Heh.

It took me a couple of weeks to start reading it. And I am reading it in small bits, taking time to absorb the message. But as soon as I opened the book and read the introduction, I realized I had found someone who understands. It gave me hope. My intuition had told me this would be my experience, before I even opened the book. (Hence the pit stop for chocolate en route home, avoiding the book for a couple of weeks, etc.... I knew reading it would, or could, lead to facing some powerful demons.)

I have not given up dieting (have lost 20 pounds, FYI), and I have not given up bingeing on weigh in day. But I am getting ready to make a change, to face the real hunger within. It feels like the right time, at last.

I'll keep you posted!

May 11: Back up on the horse-wagon

Hello my little two-bite brownies,

[Aside: after a quick perusal of the Goog, it seems that Homestyle Two Bite Brownies are a Canadian delicacy, available in some US markets, but not pervasively. One less delicioush temptation for my American fwiends to deal with...]

Well anyway. Now that I've made myself crave. Just a quick check in. I gained .4 this week, which, considering my steely lack of determination last week is not bad. I have re-doubled my efforts this week (oh, except I finished off the dregs of the Miaouw's bag of Ringolo's last night. And some sort of nomtastic goodies in the kitchen at work yesterday. Pawdammit, everywhere I turn I am confronted by delicioushnesh.)

Anyway, inspired by my colleague and namesake L-Mac2, I have decided this will be a week of perspiration. Ran on Sunday night, worked out hard yesterday with Derek, and tonight I have big plans to go to a group exercise class at Good Life. Not sure which one/which location yet. If I don't do that, I will go home and run. But I thought it would be good to change it up a bit. Plus, the group ex classes are an hour, which I am less likely to do on my own, je confess. I'm looking at Body Pump, which combines light weights with cardio. Or maybe Body Combat: a-judo, a chop-chop-chop! I like the kicking and punching business.

Anyway, the big plan is to work out in some capacity every day this week. It's mighty do-able. I gotta give thanks to my girl L-Mac2 for her shining example. I love how we all inspire each other to do more.

So, what are you going to do this week to achieve the perspiration goal? (I've decided my goal shall be your goal. Unless you don't want to.) If you're still tied to your couch (no judgies! I love the greencouch), here's something to consider: The Couch Potato Workout. I've been meaning to try it for awhile. Anyway, it's better than nothing!

Did I say this was a quick check in? Stop talking! (Not you. Please, continue to talk.)