Jul 20: Aqua Fit Hunger Force

Number one in the hood, yo!

So, I mentioned last week that I was gonna give Aqua Fit a go. Most atypically, I followed through and actually went. Right on! Pointsss!

It was pretty much as I had anticipated. Not very challenging, and for the first time in my life, I was the youngest and fittest person at a group exercise class. Am I going back? You bet your Hand Banana I am!

It was so great to be in a pool again. Something about the scent of chlorine is so comforting. Maybe it's the guarantee of safety from horseflies, weeds, water snakes and leeches. Maybe it's blueness. Yeah, I realize it isn't blue. kthx. I don't know. Me and chlorine, we go way back. When I was a kid, my intrepid single mom worked hard and got a promotion and we moved out to a deluxe townhouse in the suh-huh-burb. We chose our unit for its close proximity (directly across the street) to the pool. In summer, my mom didn't need to worry about babysitters. I was in the pool all day, every day. My parents called me "water baby". And then several years ago, I was at a job that was right around the corner from a community centre. I got into the habit of swimming every day on my lunch break. I had to buy a new bathing suit about three times a year, I swam so much. I loved it.

So back to the Aqua Fit. It wasn't very taxing. I almost felt guilty for going to an exercise class and not feeling more desperate for it to be over. I decided I could show up half an hour early and swim lengths, to get a bit of cardio action. So tonight I'm stopping at The Bay to pick up some new goggles, perhaps even an Esther Williams flowered bathing cap, and then heading for the pool.

Right on!

Jul 15: Back on the ole Wagon Wheel

Okay, okay, my rebellious foray into stomach expansion has at last played itself out. I am still in the process of ascertaining exactly how much damage my little jaunt has wrought. I weighed myself on Saturday morning. It was not pretty. I was up 7 pounds from the day I flew out west (about a week and a half earlier), and that number was already up a few pounds from the birthday eatings. Of course a lot of it is water weight. I have dropped 5 pounds in the last 5 days of wagons east.

I am currently not at all interested in exercise. Last week it was sweltering, India-hot in Toronto. Since I was OTW anyway, why would I struggle through booty camp when instead I could make a beeline for air conditioning and pizza? (Um, how about, because it's better to sweat from exercise than from bloat? Yeah.)

I went to Booty Camp last night for the first time in 2 weeks. So much for the exercise motivation of not wasting money I've already spent on a class. Ah well. It was tough but not terrible. I was totally inspired by a new woman who is much heavier than me, toughing it out, finishing last in all of the cardio courses set out for us (run to certain point, do 5 pushups, run some more, do burpees, run up and down hill, do sit-ups, etc.) When I'm falling behind I just skip the pushups or whatever, but she was doing everything, no matter how long it took her. I thought, good on her. (Less so on me...) She and I were later partnered up for an insane exercise (one person is on the ground in pushup position, the other grabs pushup person's legs, sort of wheelbarrow style, and you have to do pushups with them holding your legs up. We both fell on our faces with every attempt) -- anyway, we both just congratulated each other on even BEING there and decided not to worry about keeping up with the January Joneses.

Tonight I am going to check out Aqua Fit at the Manulife Centre Good Life club. It's the only Good Life in Toronto with a pool, and it's only a 10 minute walk from my apartment. I thought I'd try something a little lower impact, in water no less, since my motivation to sweat is not what it has been in the past. (Well geez I sweat every day just walking to work!) Part of me feels guilty for "taking the easy way out" i.e. going to an exercise class for old ladies and fatties. Isn't that lame? Anyway, I realize my hubris will most likely splash water in my face when the old ladies kick my ass into the deep end tonight. We shall see.

What about y'all? Do you exercise in summer? How do you stay motivated? I go pretty easy on myself. Perhaps too easy, but then again, at least I come back to it eventually. What I lack in stamina I make up for in Sisyphusian determination. Or, inevitable anxiety about my ever-bulging pooch. Either way.

May 11: Back up on the horse-wagon

Hello my little two-bite brownies,

[Aside: after a quick perusal of the Goog, it seems that Homestyle Two Bite Brownies are a Canadian delicacy, available in some US markets, but not pervasively. One less delicioush temptation for my American fwiends to deal with...]

Well anyway. Now that I've made myself crave. Just a quick check in. I gained .4 this week, which, considering my steely lack of determination last week is not bad. I have re-doubled my efforts this week (oh, except I finished off the dregs of the Miaouw's bag of Ringolo's last night. And some sort of nomtastic goodies in the kitchen at work yesterday. Pawdammit, everywhere I turn I am confronted by delicioushnesh.)

Anyway, inspired by my colleague and namesake L-Mac2, I have decided this will be a week of perspiration. Ran on Sunday night, worked out hard yesterday with Derek, and tonight I have big plans to go to a group exercise class at Good Life. Not sure which one/which location yet. If I don't do that, I will go home and run. But I thought it would be good to change it up a bit. Plus, the group ex classes are an hour, which I am less likely to do on my own, je confess. I'm looking at Body Pump, which combines light weights with cardio. Or maybe Body Combat: a-judo, a chop-chop-chop! I like the kicking and punching business.

Anyway, the big plan is to work out in some capacity every day this week. It's mighty do-able. I gotta give thanks to my girl L-Mac2 for her shining example. I love how we all inspire each other to do more.

So, what are you going to do this week to achieve the perspiration goal? (I've decided my goal shall be your goal. Unless you don't want to.) If you're still tied to your couch (no judgies! I love the greencouch), here's something to consider: The Couch Potato Workout. I've been meaning to try it for awhile. Anyway, it's better than nothing!

Did I say this was a quick check in? Stop talking! (Not you. Please, continue to talk.)

Aug 17: Life on Atkins

So I've been on the Atkins plan for a week and a half now and I gotta say... LOVING IT! Before I go any further (and this is not because I think y'all are gonna sue me or anything), I want to say that I am still considering this an experiment, I am not endorsing it as a magic cure or advocating it as a solution for everyone or for anyone other than me, and even for me, who knows. I'm just saying, I feel awesome.

Here's what's working for me:

No sugar or bread/pasta cravings
I don't find I am missing out on processed carbs like bread and pasta and potatoes. Once in a while (usually after a meaty kinda meal) I think something sweet would be nice, but I don't feel dogged by cravings. Of course, it's early times yet. There is a theory that the less sugar you eat, the less you crave it, and I think that's true, but I don't know if that theory accounts for the psychological or emotional cravings that come later, and may be related to feelings of deprivation, or maybe other stuff going on in your life that's not related to diet and eating. It's early times. So we'll see if it holds. But for now, I feel very satisfied on this eating plan.

Chewing (and swallowing) the fat
I think one thing that is making a difference is not having to hide from fat. Food that is prepared with fats like butter, olive oil or... dare I suggest... bacon grease - it tastes way better. So I am not feeling deprived, I am feeling the opposite. I've never eaten so much cheese in my life! I have four kinds in my fridge right now! It's unbelievable!

Ketosis is keeping me honest
Also working for me: in order for the Atkins approach to work, you can't really "cheat" or have a few extras here and there, the way I have in the past with low fat, calorie reduced diets. The whole point of cutting down so drastically on your carbohydrate intake is to cause your metabolism to switch from burning glucose as its primary fuel source (once carbs are ingested, the body converts them to glucose and uses it as fuel; excess glucose gets stored as fat) to burning fat as its primary fuel source. This is why you can eat so much fat on the diet - it gets burned right away to fuel your body, and once your body is using fat as fuel, it turns to stored fat and starts burning that too. When your body starts burning fat as its fuel, you're in ketosis.

So anyway, science lesson aside, the point is, from a behavioural perspective, there is sort of a built-in cheat-protection on this plan. I don't take weekends off, or figure it's fine to have a slice of cake at the office or whatever because I'm going to the gym after work. (And again, I must stress: NOT THAT THERE IS ANYTHING WRONG WITH THAT! I actually like that approach, i.e. a little something called "moderation" or "balance" or as some might say, "a bit of frigging perspective".) But the way I was going the past few months, I just needed a more disciplined approach, and in order for Atkins to work, I have to trust the science, since I can't trust myself to veer just a little off course without winding up in Albuquerque.

As for my weight loss thus far...
Well, I'm not exactly sure. I was too depressed to weigh myself at the outset, so I can only estimate what my starting weight was, based on the way my clothing (didn't) fit. I reckon I was between 158-160, but can't say for sure. This morning I am 151.5. I am not saying I've lost minimum 6.5 pounds thus far; I'm sure some of that was water and whatever. When I weigh myself next weekend it will be more telling. Would be nice to finally start losing at a decent rate. I wouldn't mind an average of 2 pounds a week, which is safe. I'm not looking for a quick fix; just want my metabolism to do its part if I'm gonna bust my hump six days a week in the gym.

So anyway, very cool. I'm encouraged. We shall see what continues to unfold...

PS Lola says upside down meow.

Aug 10: Emergence

In case it hasn't been obvious, or at the very least, inferable, I've been struggling. Ne worry pas, it's not a new struggle. I've been here many times before; I'm sure it's a cyclical thing, just part of my process.

Which is not to say that the cycle is unavoidable, or that it is predictable in terms of when it will strike, or how long it will last. When I vowed a month ago to get my shit together, I meant it. I thought I was pulling out of it. But events have conspired against me, including the nagging injury, the lack of confidence in my metabolism to respond to "good behaviour" eating, and the annual family weekend visit last week, which always stresses me out. My anxiety (and anxiety-eating) around this event plays out like that saying about the duration of a cold: three days coming, three days staying, three days leaving. That about sums it up. I got a lot of anxiety eating done in those nine days.

So, rather than sink into total desolation, which I rarely do anymore, thank goddess (i.e. thank me), I forged a plan. It is kind of a radical plan, for me, anyway, insofar as I've never tried this, and it goes against everything I think I know about myself as far as how I react to dietary restrictions. But I feel like I need to do something to kick my fat-ass metabolism off the couch and onto the treadmill. GET TO WORK, DAMN YOU!!

Soooo, I am giving Atkins a shot. I know, I know, diets don't work. But what I really need right now is a bit of encouragement. Some gee-dee results, ya know? I'm going to see if this whole ketosis thing really does work, and if my metabolism responds. I don't know how long I will do this. It's an experiment. I'm on Day 4 right now, and feeling okay. Don't find I miss the carbs or the sugar, but possibly (likely) that has something to do with the attempted carbicide (TM Brüno) over the past couple weeks.

This is all new to me, counting the carbs. It's kinda cool to have something new to focus on, and to eat different kinds of foods whilst trying to lose weight. It is keeping me VERY busy, reading up on how it works and keeping track of everything.

I'm not weighing myself until I've done two weeks of "Induction". Partly I just didn't want to know what the damage was - I couldn't face it. Partly I don't want to get discouraged if it takes a few days or weeks to get my body into this crazy fat-burning mode.

I will blog more about Atkins and how it works in future installments, for those of you who are interested.

Rock on, it's good to feel proactive again!

PS Physio seems to be working. I've been easing off the walking to and from work and doing some extra stretching and stuff. Have worked out the last three days in a row and am feeling no pain, knock on head. Keep your fingers crossed for me!

Jul 13: Recommitted and it feels so good

It's been roughly six months since I started this blog. I've lost between 10 and 15 pounds, depending when you ask, which is... well, let's face it, not outstanding. On the other hand, I've also run a 10k and I do cardio usually 3-5 times a week, with hour long strength training sessions twice a week, which I can and do consider to be very good, possibly outstanding. I am not really any closer to vanquishing the binge eating habits that have dogged me for most of my adult life, but I am better at accepting my shortcomings and not hating myself for them.

I think it's time for a re-jiggering. Last week the wheels came off the bus a bit. I've been injured (some sort of recurring issue with my left calf - I am going to see a physiotherapist about it, since my benefits package at work covers $500/yr for physio), so I've been slacking a bit on the exercise (haven't run in 2 weeks, though I've done some cardio at the gym). And I've been resentful about not getting to eat anything and everything that strikes my fancy.

So last week I said, okay, have what you fancy. Get it out of your system. Gain a few pounds. And then next week, we begin again, in earnest. Here I am now, raring to go (despite the lingering ache in my left calf; I shall not let it deter me).

My commitment to myself includes the following pledges:

• do the 10 minute abs video every day


• exercise six days a week - aim for 500-600 calories burned in a session


• STOP TAKING THE WHOLE WEEKEND OFF!!!


• start reading labels again and avoid lots of preservatives and junk, especially artificial sweeteners – I think if I stop consuming so much sugar, I will stop craving it so much


• make a video once a week


• sign up for Toronto Island 10k Run, happening Sep 20


• lose 10 pounds before Toronto Island Run


• make out with myself every day, no matter my size

Some of those goals will be tougher than others but I know I am up for it. One of the things that has really been slowing me down is taking the weekends off. I think my compromise from now on will be, on ONE day of the weekend, I can have A meal off. Not the whole day off. We'll see how that goes.

Okay, to kick the whole thing off, a fresh viddie, featuring killer guitar solo! Plus an invitation to any and all to step forward and have yourselves committed! Just sign up in the comments section - we'll keep each other accountable and honest and encouraged and supported.

And if de-elevator tries 2 bring u down...

GO CRAZY!

Jun 8: Progress report(s)

Okay, vacation weight has been banished to... um... hey, where does the fat go when we get rid of it? Is there another Lindsay in a parallel universe who just keeps getting fatter? Would that also mean there is a super-skinny Lindsay universe too, who sacrifices fat every time I gain weight? I guess that would mean I'm the Jerry Seinfeld Lindsay: even Steven.

Anyway! So yeah, at last check, my weight is at 150 which means I can say that I have lost 15 pounds in total since January. I am trying hard not to refer to this number sheepishly, because I feel like it should be a lot higher. And it would be, if I didn't keep veering off course with my eating habits. But you know, I'm still here, right? I'm still working out regularly. And I am still a person who struggles with binge eating disorder, so, hellz, 15 pounds is a-okay. I decided last week that I'd like to be 10 pounds less than I was on May 3 (the date I ran the Sporting Life 10k), when I run the Toronto Island 10k in the fall. So I have 8 pounds to go, which at my current rate is an achievable goal.

I need to make another video, I know. I haven't bothered with measurments for awhile because they haven't changed. But I can still make a video, just for shits 'n' gigs and to liven things up around here.

So, how are y'all doing? Making progress? In a holding pattern? Gaining? Feeling okay? Feeling frustrated? Avoiding feeling? Share, if you can or want. I think it helps everyone to know they're not alone, or to be inspired by those who are in a good place.

May 12: Some days I really hate myself

... sigh...

Fresh off the triumph comes the inevitable tumble into Shitsville, it seems. I don't know, guys. Why am I like this? I hate it. I hate me. On Sunday everything was going along fine, I shot footage for a video update, I had lost a couple of pounds, finally back in the 140s, was headed out to do some shopping and get some new jeans and such... and then... wha' happen?

Epic fail. Je ne understand pas. I started thinking about chocolates and soon nothing would deter me. On the way home I stopped and bought healthy groceries (good work) and then made another stop and got chocolates. Went home and ate the chocolates plus whatever else I could get my greasy paws on.

Then yesterday I was like, okay, that was a blip, back in form today. I went to work, hated my job, started thinking about chocolates again... and then I stopped on the way home from work, bought chocolates and some other shit, then on the way home from that stop, I saw a McDonalds and thought, what the fuck, and went in there too. It's like, I just went into this spiralling behaviour. This morning I didn't want to get out of bed. But I thought, what good is calling in sick going to do? What would you do instead? Lie around and cry about what a fat pig you are and then go eat some more? I went to work. I plan to run tonight after work, and to not eat crap again. Sometimes these things, they just run their course. Sometimes if I spend too much time consciously trying to talk myself out of it, I just end up spending more time in it. Whatever "it" is. I just know that I feel like shit, only want to sleep, feel like a failure, hate myself for wallowing, etc, etc.

I also know that this feeling won't last forever and I'll be back on the horse again soon. I don't know, maybe I just need to feel the lows in order to feel the highs. Maybe I'm just wired this way.

Do any of you guys relate?

May 4: I am the champion!

Hey guys, sorry I didn't post an update yesterday. I was hoping to have the video done, but there's a lot of editing needed because I'm adding subtitles to half the footage because it was so loud and the sound on the Miaouw's camera is not the greatest.

Anyway, I will post a blog with the video later. Possibly tonight.

So, the big event! I made it! I finished in a time that was faster than my best-hoped-for time. Unbelievable. Awhile back during training, I ran 5 miles in 59:48, which I thought was really great, because I was able to average 5 miles an hour, even with walking breaks. So with that time in mind (and the run being 1.2 miles short of a 10k), I calculated that if I could maintain that speed on race day, I could finish in 75 minutes.

Then I went to California and tried running outside in the gently rolling hills of Orinda. I'd been training all winter on a treadmill, and I hadn't even done any hill training on the machines at the gym because I was focussing on achieving distance. I have some kind of weird block about running outside, so I kept putting off doing any training outdoors. The California runs were a disaster; I gave up after 2k on the first day, and 1.5 k on the next. It was very disheartening. So I revised my estimated race day time. I thought, 75 minutes would be OUTSTANDING, 80 minutes would be really good, but most likely I would wind up somewhere between 80-85 minutes if my running in Orinda was any indication of how I ran outdoors.

So, guess what my time was. GUESS! Okay I'll tell you. I finished in 1:09:07. Yes, that's 69 minutes – faster than I ever imagined I would or could go at this point in my running ability. I know it's still pretty slow for a lot of people, but I was absolutely thrilled with the time. I felt pretty strong out there; I even ran up the few hills the course presented with relative ease. It was just freakin awesome.

A huge, massive shout out to my girl Christy, for getting up on a Sunday morning and dragging herself down to Yonge & Elm and giving me the best high five of my life and screaming and cheering for me as I passed. I wish I could have stopped to hug her. Next time we see each other, I'm gonna hug the stuffin outta you!!!

And of course, huge shout out as well to my Miaouw, for waking me up (almost missed the whole damn thing because I forgot to turn the volume up on my clock radio), going up to the starting line with me, and then struggling valiantly for the next hour and a half to make it to the finish line, though the TTC fought him at every turn. (The Yonge subway does not start operating on Sundays until 9 a.m., and of course the Yonge bus was being diverted -- all the way over to freakin Avenue Rd -- because Yonge St was closed for the race.) So, he didn't get to see me cross the finish line, but then again, all my fretting while I waited and waited and waited to be herded out with all the other runners to the exit was for naught, since he wasn't even there yet anyway. Seriously, it's totally ridiculous how they have the end of the race set up. You cross the finish line, totally psyched, and then there's this massive line up ahead of you of thousands of runners, walking at a snail's pace, if that, waiting to get our medals and then pass through the eye of the needle to the "post race party" (as if). It was totally insane. There wasn't even a water stand until I'd been waiting in line for 15 minutes. And by the time I was finally out of there, my legs were cramping from lack of stretching.

Well, whatever, who cares. We found each other, wandered around Harbourfront for the next hour and a bit, and had a victor's brunch at the Richtree Market in the BCE place. Then we went home and I napped for 3 hours.

THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU to all of you who've encouraged me to do this. And most especially to those who pledged my fundraising efforts for Camp Oochigeas. I didn't promote it at all, just through this blog, and even so managed to raise $300 for kids with cancer to go to camp and have a great summer. Everybody wins (but I am the champion, my friends)!

More later...

Apr 23: Happy news!

Hey gang,

I just found out that my Miaouw is coming to Toronto tomorrow night, and will be here in town for my 10k! I can't tell you what his support means to me. He's been trying to figure out a way to be here for it, because he knows what a big deal it is for me, but I'd resigned myself to it just not being in the cards, as far as his work schedule this time of year is concerned.

But he made it happen, cuz he's the best.

Hopefully this means there'll be some video footage we can put together and post on YouTube so y'all can share in the triumph as well.

Apr 23: The Prodigal Returns (with new viddie!)

Ummm... hello?

Anybody still here??

Let me just dust off the keyboard and wipe away the cobwebs. Sorry I've been gone so long! Not sure exactly what happened there. A bit of laziness, a bit of diminished focus and engagement in the process, a lack of faith that people are still reading this... stuff like that.

But I do know from some of you that people are still reading (THANKS, you're the best) and wondering how I'm doing, and even looking to this blog to kick-start your own focus and engagement in the process, which kinda blows my mind. I LOVE US!!!

So, I took a few days off the eating right thing, and I took about a week off of the regular exercise business. Went up about 2.5 pounds. Frickin jeez, you know? It takes like, a month to lose that weight and it comes back on in a week. Gah. But actually, as of yesterday morning, I had managed to get the extra pounds offa me again, so maybe it was just a lot of water hanging around from all the salty badness. I will do an official weigh-in video this weekend, but yesterday morning my weight was 151.5.

Okay, I will blog more this week, about important and/or random topics. It's 4:45 in the a.m. right now so... what the eff am I doing up? Answer: I went to bed at 9 because I was fried and now my sleep schedule's all mucky. Added bonus: rambly blog.

Mar 31: Attitude is everything

Hey gang,

Whaddya know, another video! I was feeling so good last night I decided to counter the sad little greenface viddie with something a little more upbeat.

I've been really trying hard not to let the lack of obvious markers of my progress bother me or derail me in my efforts. Some days have been better than others. And of course, when there are added life stresses like a cornholio boss at work, the challenge is even greater.

But yesterday at lunch I was watching some YouTube videos. I have been meaning to talk a little bit about the weight loss community on YouTube. I'm not too integrated - there just are not enough hours in the day to keep up with work, fitness, my current online community, and apathy (the biggest timesuck of them all), so joining another community would stretch me a bit thin. (Except... that pun is hardly apt.) Anyway. I do subscribe to a few YouTubers, and one of them is this crazy guy Greggers. He does fun stuff with his video software - I'd like to learn how to do some of the crazy stuff he does. He has an unfailing positive attitude, and I think I just felt inspired by that yesterday. Something just clicked for me, and I pulled out of the funk and got back to funky. Had an awesome run and am looking forward to more gym time tonight.

If you want to check out any of Greggers' videos, here's the link to his YouTube channel: http://www.youtube.com/user/thesiegster

And now, a positive video, brought to you by the always upbeat Craig Finn and his band, The Hold Steady:

Mar 29: New video and checking in

Hi kiddies,

I've been slowing down in my blogging here, and have definitely been a bit... erm, slovenly in responding to your kind comments. I will do better. I think a big part of it is my struggle to get through this plateau or whatever it is. I'm trying not to get downcast about how slowly my body is reacting to all the exercise and such. It is really great news about dropping 4% in body fat. In fact the difference in poundage was only 3 pounds weight loss (which... grrrr!!!) and yet I am obviously a much leaner... or perhaps, less fatter...er... person. To drop 4% of body fat with just 3 pounds lost means I must be acquiring muscle mass. So, I gotta focus on that and just stay the course.

I weighed myself again this morning: 153, or maybe 153.5. Last week I was 154, and then 154.5, so I guess this is good news. Except that, it tells me that the weight gain last week wasn't just water or a blip of some kind, because I'm now just back to where I was two weeks ago. Oh well, whatever. It's not a race.

Anyway, I did a video on Friday night, expressing my frustration. I did it in greenface. No offense intended to the green community.

Thanks for continuing to cheer me on!

Mar 22: Frustrated

I think I need to change my weigh in day. Why does my body hate Sunday? Is it some sort of latent rebellion against my fundamentalist teen years? Or... yikes... is God punishing me because it turns out he's a vindictive, sexist, white old man after all? I just don't understand it.

Okay, yes, I had the very minor slip up with the chocolates and the McDonald's. But that was a week ago. I worked out, ate right, and yesterday when I weighed myself, I was back on track, down a pound, at 152.5. Then I walked half an hour to the gym, worked out for an hour with Derek, ran for another hour on the treadmill, walked (stumbled) home, and ate reasonably. This morning, I weigh myself. 154. Come on. COME ON!!! I went and sat on the couch and sulked for 15 minutes, went to the bathroom, and tried again. 154.5.

AAAAAUUUUUUGGGGGHHHHH!!!!

Well, I'm not going to do a weigh in video today. I'm gonna see if God takes Monday off, and maybe sneak in a weigh in while he's not looking, and hopefully my weight goes back down again.

I am working out 5-6 days a week at this point, faithfully training for my 10k run, eating around 1300-1400 calories a day, plus or minus 200. There is no way I should be gaining weight. So, what can I do. Plug on. I was at least very encouraged by my first one hour session with Derek. He had me doing "super-sets", where we do a set of weights and then a 30 second interval of cardio, e.g. skipping rope. Haaaarrrrible. My calves are aching today as a result. He said he doesn't usually start clients on super-sets the first time they do an hour session, but he'd watched my running viddie and figured I could probably handle it. I felt really strong yesterday, so much so that I was able to put in an hour of running with walking breaks, to a total of 4.5 miles on the treadmill. I am Iron Man!

Anyway, whatever. I refuse to make myself sick over this. I am trying to live a more healthy lifestyle, and training any harder or eating any less is not going to be healthy. So, I just have to say the serenity prayer or something. Suck up to God, maybe.

Feb 27: Pants that fit

I bought some new clothes last night. Big sale, plus coupon that expires tomorrow. I bought a ton of tops, but only one pair of pants. Which is strange, because god knows I need pants that fit. For the last couple months, I've been making due with a beige cord skirt, a pair of stretchy, swishy black pants, and some jeans I bought in December at my fattest. The jeans (size 14) are now incredibly comfortable, even while sitting. They are just the right amount of baggy. Yesterday I pulled out a pair of size 12 pants and deemed they were not too tight to wear anymore. In retrospect, I probably could have waited another week or two. (And will.)

When I was clothes shopping, I tried on a really nice pair of grey pants. Encouraged by fitting into my size 12s yesterday morning, I pulled a size 12 off the rack to try them on. In the fitting room I was like, what was I thinking. These will never fit. I was pleasantly surprised when I put my first leg in and didn't feel an impossible constriction around the thunderous thigh before I even pulled them up and attempted to do up the waist. I was able to do them up, but they were too tight to wear right now.

I thought about buying them anyway, reasoning that they will fit in a few weeks at the rate I'm going. It's the old numbers game wreaking havoc on my psyche once again. I want to be able to say I'm a size smaller, and take that as another small numeric indication of my success.

But I realized that the more important thing is having clothes that fit the body I'm in right now. I feel so much more confident, energized, and motivated when I look good in my clothes. I know it's a weird irony; looking good in size 14 pants makes me want to lose more weight so I can't wear the pants anymore. In the end, I bought the grey pants in a size 14. I realize I might only wear them for a month or two (fat chance I would ever get off my ass and get them tailored) but the motivation of feeling good for those two months will be well worth the $36 I paid for them.