Feb 15: Fat acceptance

On the weekend, my girl Taarnagh posted a link on Facebook to a blog by a woman named Lindy West who writes for a publication run by Dan Savage, the sex advice columnist and originator of the "It Gets Better" movement aimed at gay youth who are being bullied. The blog, entitled, Hello, I Am Fat was an eloquent smackdown of what she perceives as Dan Savage's anti-fat bias. It triggered a tidal wave of comments and has subsequently gone viral. It's a great piece, I encourage you to read it. And thanks to Taar for bringing my attention to it. (Dan Savage posted a rebuttal yesterday evening which I thought was also worthwhile if slightly more long-winded and hyperbolic. After the storm of protest against him, I didn't blame him for the hyperbole.)

So, where do y'all stand on this whole "fat acceptance" movement? I gotta admit, I'm pretty ambivalent. I don't accept my fat. Never have, and don't suppose I ever will. When I've lamented my weight to people in my life, most have responded with what I take to be sincere insistence that it is nowhere near as ugly to the world at large as it is to me. Point being, I don't feel unfairly discriminated against because of my weight. I don't opine for the world to accept fat people more readily. I opine for a method to accept myself more readily, sure. And I realize that weight loss isn't the golden ticket to happiness and self-acceptance. Or, some part of me does, since the few times I've been slim, it's had no bearing on my day-to-day happiness, except that I preen in front of mirrors instead of worry. Having said that, when I am fat, it adds significantly to my feelings of self-loathing, depression, lack of control, etc.

The obesity epidemic is troubling. On the other hand, the unrealistic standards of beauty perpetuated by the media and popular culture are also troubling. But as far as I'm concerned, the bullying, mean-spirited othering of people for any reason, whether it's because they are fat, gay, Republican, or just different ("you're weird" = one of my my all-time hated methods of marginalization) is the most troubling. Maybe if people were just less assy in general, there would be no need for a "fat acceptance" movement. I understand why fat people are angry about being "shamed". I shame myself all the time. I look at people who are fat and I shame them, in my head, as surely as I do myself. I don't say anything to them, or about them behind their backs (at least, not about their weight, heh), because the last thing I want is to contribute to that dialogue, or to be perceived by others as someone who thinks it's okay to make these hurtful comments. My feeling is, if someone is willing to make a comment like that to me about someone else, pretty much I can expect that they are making those comments about me, or thinking them about me, when I'm not around.

I don't think it's right to enable or encourage unhealthy behaviour. I recognize that for me, personally, at least some of my excess weight is a direct result of stuffing my body with an excess of salty and sugary carbs that have very little nutritional value. This is not a healthy behaviour, and I don't mean just physically. As I have talked about at length, my food and body issues are a manifestation of low self esteem and depression. On the other hand, I do think that my natural body type does veer towards a chubby silhouette. It's not like I was ever a skinny kid, and my mom was not one to over-feed me either. So maybe I am naturally meant to be a little higher than the curve as far as my weight is concerned, and I have been battling nature for so long that my bingeing (and the extra 25 pounds I put on this fall, for examp) is more about feelings of deprivation, rebelling against the internalized self-loathing, lack of self acceptance, etc, etc, etc. Whoa, irony.

Either way, as far as I'm concerned, "fat acceptance" is pretty much a distraction from the real issue at hand, which is self acceptance, and self awareness. I eat to distract myself from pain I don't want to feel, even though I understand that the end result of this action will inevitably be more pain. But this is the culture we live in: everything is purchased on credit, even taking on a debt of self-loathing to feel better in the moment.

I reject fat acceptance and instead choose to promote empathy and compassion for those who struggle to accept themselves and choose destructive behaviours to cope with the burden of sentience in a culture that has replaced the struggle to survive with the struggle to thrive.

Jan 27: Metabolism like oobleck

First off: shout out to the birthday girl, most Snaggest of All, Ms. Punica Granatum!

Okay, on to the business at hand. Now that I'm a card carrying DubDub meeting attendee, weigh-day is Wednesdays. I go to a lunch time meeting with my girl L-Mac² (another well-deserved shout out). I can see you readers checking your mental calendar and wondering "what the fizzucky, Kentucky, that's two weigh-ins you haven't told us about!" Calm down. We here at D-Weighted are all about becoming healthy people and we totally don't care about the numbers on the scale.

Respectfully,

Anyway. After my first big week (down 6.8 pounds - whaddup), I lost a measly .6 the next week, which I attributed to that snarky bitch Mother Nature from the Tampax commercials (sorry for TMI, but those ads are hilarious/punch-inducing), and then yesterday I learned I'd lost just one pound. Okay, okay, "we are not about numbers here" (press play, above).

When I was doing Jenny Craig, I fell into a bad habit of getting weighed on Saturday and then going absolutely apeshit berzerker and eating whatever I wanted, plus things I probably did not want, for the rest of the day. The first 3 or 4 days of the week would be spent making up for Saturday's bad behaviour, and so I was doing well if I lost a half pound to a pound in a week. This time around, thus far anyway, I have been soooo good! I don't even eat my damn flex points. I don't take weigh-day off. I continue primly on with my point counting and dogged adherence to the program.

I just can't believe how easily I put on 25 pounds in the fall, and how hard it is to lose it. I was hoping, at least in the first month or two, that rejecting the so-called "cheat day" mentality would result in a couple pounds a week loss, at least at first, especially because I have so much more to lose now. But perhaps I have permanently crapped up my metabolism. Or, I'm just old. I don't know.

The thing is, there is nothing to be done about it, except suck it up and continue on. I realize that I just CANNOT continue to slack off like I did in the fall and be okay with gaining a bit of weight, knowing I can re-double my efforts when I am more mentally prepared to do so. That shit just won't fly no more. It is irritating to say the least. But there's just no point in whining about it, because that's only going to foster resentment, which inevitably leads to bad behaviour (see diagram). It is what it is.

No worries, fwiends. I'm irritated, but undeterred. Still determined, still feeling good about improving my health, still realizing that the psychological issues that are behind the constant up and down on the scale is what I really need to address. I'm okay, and actually still feeling PDG in spite of it all.

Dec 7: Confession and shopping: both good for soul

Fwiends!

Man am I ever glad I came back. Wow. Your responses on both Facebook and here to my last post were just so heartening, I can't even tell you. It is hard, facing yourself, admitting your failure(s)(ssss). Turns out it is way harder to face yourself than it is to face your friends. When are we ever gonna learn that? (Perhaps I speak out of turn and you folks already know that. In which case, why didn't you TELL me?! Oh, you did. Nevermind.)

Well anyway, my mood has really been on the upward swing, which is such a relief to report. I decided I needed to get myself some new clothes, to continue (or, begin) this trend of feeling good about myself at any weight. As Stacy and Clinton always say, you've got to dress the body you have, not the body you want. Being close to my all-time weight high, I don't have a lot of clothes right now that fit. Getting dressed every day is a constant reminder of my unhappiness with my body. But going shopping... UGH. Let's just say I'm no Carrie Bradshaw. I speculate that Carrie Bradshaw might not be as much of a Carrie Bradshaw if she was dressing a size 14-16 on her 5'2" frame as opposed to a 2, but then again, there are plenty of larger size women out there who enjoy shopping and looking good, so I don't know maybe it's just me.

I will say that deciding to go for a wardrobe refresh on the 3rd Saturday before Christmas is maybe not the best timing. And for you folks reading in the upper parts of the US and across Canada, you understand the torture of mall shopping in a winter coat, especially when you're trying a lot of stuff on. I had to steal myself against it before I left my apartment.

The Miaouw has been adorable and supportive, as usual. Before I left to face the crowds, the chaos and most of all, the mirrors, he reviewed with me what I should be looking for. Apparently he sometimes pays attention when I'm watching What Not To Wear. We decided my rules should include looking for tops that gather in at my narrowest point and then flow out from there, and bottoms with straight legs, etc. We did stop short of the pointy toed shoe since I think that any illusion of length they may give is negated by the fact they also make me look like a ruler of a geographic domain of Oz. (Although I'm sure they look great on y'all.)

Well anyway, I blew a wad and three hours later I walked home (extra Activity Points!) with all my crap and the upshot is, getting dressed today was actually fun. Onward, ho!

Dec 4: RE-WEIGHTED

Uuuuugggghhh.

Well, I'm back. Including the 15 pounds I'd lost earlier in the year. Plus some new pounds to keep the others company. (What a party those guys are having! The fun never stops.) September and October were really bad months for me. November improved slightly with the arrival of my Miaouw, but times were still kinda dark. I don't know what triggered it, but I was in a very long-lasting depressive cycle and I gave in to it fully. And of course, the more I gave in to it -> the fatter I got -> the more I wanted to hide -> the more depressed I got... you get the idea.

So yeah. My weight is 169. Just 2 pounds shy of my all time high. I shake my head at myself as I write this. I couldn't face the scale while I was in the midst of the depression. A couple of times I made half-hearted attempts to pull myself out and get back on the wagon of good eating and regular exercise. But I avoided the scale, and my blog. All I have been good for is dutifully going to work and then going home to the cocoon of fattitude. Almost all of my clothes no longer fit. I've been wearing a sports bra for the last month because it's the only one that fits, and because my boobs have become gigantic flabsacks. Ugh, it's disgusting.

However! I am approaching the light at the end of this long, dark, autumnal tunnel. I did face the scale. It sucked, but it's over now and I survived. My shame is no longer a deep, unnamed fear. It is concrete and actually not so very shameful - here I am sharing it with all of you, after all.

I joined Weight Watchers online on Tuesday. For the past month or two I have been trying to figure out what I can do to kickstart me out of this depressive cycle. I thought about joining Overeaters Anonymous, which would be a new thing for me. Also free. But I got hung up on the notion of a 12 step program with quasi-religious undertones. I almost gave in and re-upped with Jenny Craig, but that felt like a step backwards. I do need something to be accountable to. With DubDub Online, I am still only accountable to myself, but there's a structure that involves checking in every day, tracking my food intake and my exercise. Mind, I've tried it before and ultimately abandoned it. But I felt like I had to do something and this seemed the least intrusive. Or something.

This weekend I'm going clothes shopping. I need to feel like less of a schlep. I'm going to be this weight, or in this general area, for awhile, and I won't be motivated to get out of it if every time I look at myself in the mirror I hate what looks back.

So, welcome back. I know many of you reading this can relate. I invite you all to forgive yourselves and hop back on the party wagon with me!

Jul 13: Recommitted and it feels so good

It's been roughly six months since I started this blog. I've lost between 10 and 15 pounds, depending when you ask, which is... well, let's face it, not outstanding. On the other hand, I've also run a 10k and I do cardio usually 3-5 times a week, with hour long strength training sessions twice a week, which I can and do consider to be very good, possibly outstanding. I am not really any closer to vanquishing the binge eating habits that have dogged me for most of my adult life, but I am better at accepting my shortcomings and not hating myself for them.

I think it's time for a re-jiggering. Last week the wheels came off the bus a bit. I've been injured (some sort of recurring issue with my left calf - I am going to see a physiotherapist about it, since my benefits package at work covers $500/yr for physio), so I've been slacking a bit on the exercise (haven't run in 2 weeks, though I've done some cardio at the gym). And I've been resentful about not getting to eat anything and everything that strikes my fancy.

So last week I said, okay, have what you fancy. Get it out of your system. Gain a few pounds. And then next week, we begin again, in earnest. Here I am now, raring to go (despite the lingering ache in my left calf; I shall not let it deter me).

My commitment to myself includes the following pledges:

• do the 10 minute abs video every day


• exercise six days a week - aim for 500-600 calories burned in a session


• STOP TAKING THE WHOLE WEEKEND OFF!!!


• start reading labels again and avoid lots of preservatives and junk, especially artificial sweeteners – I think if I stop consuming so much sugar, I will stop craving it so much


• make a video once a week


• sign up for Toronto Island 10k Run, happening Sep 20


• lose 10 pounds before Toronto Island Run


• make out with myself every day, no matter my size

Some of those goals will be tougher than others but I know I am up for it. One of the things that has really been slowing me down is taking the weekends off. I think my compromise from now on will be, on ONE day of the weekend, I can have A meal off. Not the whole day off. We'll see how that goes.

Okay, to kick the whole thing off, a fresh viddie, featuring killer guitar solo! Plus an invitation to any and all to step forward and have yourselves committed! Just sign up in the comments section - we'll keep each other accountable and honest and encouraged and supported.

And if de-elevator tries 2 bring u down...

GO CRAZY!

Jul 9: Resentment

I would have to say one of my greatest obstacles in trying to lose weight is the resentment I feel at having to restrict my diet. It's tricky though. If I give voice to my resentment, it is initially superceded by embarrassment. One in six people in the world are hungry and I'm pissed that I can't eat 5000 calories a day and just enjoy it. I hate it when I catch myself behaving like a spoiled, entitled, ungrateful fatass.

Eventually the liberal guilt triggers the resentment all over again, and I'm a dog chasing my tail until I finally just break down and order pizza and wings. Which is what I did last night.

Jun 30: Still 150 After All These Years

Earlier today somebody posted a comment on an old video of mine (technically they are all old videos, I realize, and one of these days I will post a new one). The video is dated March 17 - it's the one where I'm running on the treadmill. In it I mentioned my weight was 153.5. This morning when I weighed myself I was 150. Three months later. I was 149, I know, but then my birthday happened. On Friday there was cake, and another cake, culminating in cake for breakfast on Saturday. And then there were Ruffles, and on Sunday afternoon while the Miaouw napped, I ate three croissants. With margarine. [Why is the 'g' soft in the word "margarine", when it is followed by an 'a'?] [Very deft distraction from the piggery, n'est-ce pas?]

Well anyway, if the birthday derailment happened only once a year, it would be fine, but the truth is, I allow myself to get pretty lax on the weekends and I'm sure that's slowing me down considerably. But then again, I remember three months ago when I was a lot more diligent with my diet and I was frustrated by my slow progress. More frustrated, really because I felt like I was doing everything right and still not getting results.

In my birthday blog, I talked a bit about accepting my demons rather than struggling against them. I guess I sort of feel like that about it. Progress not perfection and all that bestsellerselfhelpspeak. Of course, I'm never completely comfortable with the acceptance business because I am mindful of using this touchy-feely accept myself thing as an excuse to give in to unhealthy habits and feel alright about it. But then when I type that, I think, what's wrong with wanting to feel alright, anyway?

Ultimately this inner dialogue is just a distraction. I know what's good for me and what's not good for me, and I know that occasional indulgences are fine; binges are not. I also know that I'm not done with binge behaviour, and while I am reducing the frequency of the episodes, I still need to be able to forgive myself and move on and not wallow and spiral just because I let the demons have their way when it happens.