Jun 21: "Birthday Week"

Stumblers upon,

First things first, I will relieve you of your hopping crossed-leg feeling of anxiety and assure you that I lost a pound this week and have now crossed from one meaningless family of numbers to another. Weight: 149.4; total lost: 21.6 pounds. Good on me.

Saturday I came back from the weigh-in to surprise pizza and wings. In the afternoon! Insane. Saturdays are a day of gluttony and indulgence in my household. It's kinda disgusting but it is one of life's small pleasures.

Anyway, Sunday I got back on the horse, until I came home from the shopping mall and felt like eating ice cream and such. Then take out Thai for dinner, followed by macademia nut cookies and All Dressed. Yiiiiikes. Food coma. Two nights in a row of this crap is a punishment. The Miaouw reassures me: "It's Birthday Week!" The Miaouw loves a good week of totally insane eating and gluttony as much as the next guy. More than most guys, actually. Last year we had TWO cakes on my birthday. Cake is one of my all-time favourite things to binge on, but even so, that was an embarrassing amount of cake. I am going to put my foot down this year with the Miaouw, though. One king size cake only.

It is interesting, though, going through a night of bingeing and watching myself from my Samantha-from-Bewitched perch at the top of the room. You can't read a book about eating awareness and then engage in compulsive eating without some degree of cringeing/shoulder shrugging. I tell myself it is okay to do anything that I want to do as long as I choose to do it with awareness. Sometimes awareness is something I fight against, I think. Tricky stuff.

Anyway, off to do booty-busting penance tonight.

Mar 16: Yogging

Hello smatterings!

-- Shout out to non-clickers. Where were you yesterday?! You totally missed the Freudian self-diagnosis and admission of latent pomoherotic lovemaking with my digitus primus! Well, I left it up for you just in case.

So, yogging! Tonight after work I am running with the Ladies of the Cancer. I believe I may have mentioned that a group of us are going to train twice a week (Tuesdays and Thursdays) after work, in preparation for the Sporting Life 10k on May 2. Last Thursday I went out with them for the first time - we ran 2 miles, and it was humiliating, yo's.

Normally when I run on the treadmill, I go for around 10-12 minutes before taking a walking break. I start fairly slowly, then gradually increase my speed - every minute, I ratchet the speed up by a tenth of a mile (goes to counting obsession, Your Honour). I usually do this until I'm running at around 5 to 5.5 mph. So in point of fact, all this time I've been talking about "running", when really, as Ron Burgundy would say, "I believe it's jogging or yogging. It might be a soft j."

But these ladies, these... Sasha Fiercies... well, they actually do run. After we'd been out there five minutes and forty seconds, I glanced at my watch (so as to properly call the time of death). Oy. I was ready for a walking break but we'd only run half the time I normally run before taking a break. I pushed through to 9 minutes and then walked for a minute. We had planned to do 10 and 1s, i.e. run 10 minutes, walk 1. I normally run 12, walk 2. Maybe that's bad form. Well, I finished the run - did it in 25 minutes. Actually, that's about average for me, when I have been running 3 miles in 37-38 minutes. The next day I ran 4 and 1s at 5.5 mph at the gym, and did 2 miles in 24 minutes, so that seemed like progress

Tonight's run is slated to be 2.5 miles. One of the ladies suggested we do 5 and 1s. I am nervous that I will underperform again. But the ladies are all very encouraging and the main thing is, we are all out there gettin 'er done.

But, yeah. I feel fraudulent calling myself a runner. From now on, I am a yogger, and proud of it.

Jan 12: Deferred damage report

Good Soldiers of the Fat Wars!

Sorry for the lengthy hiatus. I reckon yer used to it by now.

So, where were we? Ah, yes – my holiday pledge to you:

I will stick within my points, and if I go over, I will earn them back in Activity Points. (Normally I try not to swap my Activity Points for food if I can help it.) Mostly I just want to not gain weight.

Pffffffffffftttttttt! Okay, obviously I had to say that. I think I am to be admired for telling myself it was a possibility. Or... something.

Well anyway, it was Christmas Eve and the Miaouw and I were driving to Kingston to fellowship with my family on this most cherished of consumer occasions. We fought, he called me a See You Next Thursday, I bawled like a baby and would have insisted he pull over except we were driving on a 4 lane highway at the time, so instead I just cry-shuddered til we got to town and then got him to stop at a gas station where I attempted to clean myself up. He was contrite, but the damage was done. I said, "Let the stress eating BEGIN!" and I never looked back.

And so it was, that the week between Christmas and New Years, plus the weekend following New Years, I was once again OhTeeDub: off the wagon. By the end of the 10 day stretch, my jeans were feeling depressingly snug at the waist again. FOOOOOCCCKK!!! You GUYS! GAH! Well anyway, I didn't weigh myself last week, but I got back to the business at hand, and this morning when I did my Tuesday weigh-in, I find that I am up just 1 pound from my pre-Christmas weight, so all in all, I'm feeling okay.

I am re-committing myself to my night-time running. I ran three miles on Saturday - it took me 37:40 to do it, which is well off my best time, but at least I did it. The other thing I am experimenting with, for as long as I can take it, is not eating my 35 weekly WW flex points (review of the WW Points system) or my Activity Points. So far so good, but if the austerity measures get to feeling too tough and I'm in danger of chucking the whole thing, I will have something to fall back on.

I note with amusement that a year has passed since I started this blog, and my weight is 2 pounds less than it was then. How v. Bridget Jones.

Love to you all and let's love ourselves a little bit more than we did before this year!

Dec 22: Merry Catmas to all!

Hey there Christmas Cats!

Just checking in before taking awff. For those of you who must know: lost a pound this week. Three week total: 6.5 pounds (kicking and screaming). My scale attempted to foil me this morning and at first it said I'd only lost half a pound. I persisted, and eventually won out. After a half pound week last week and THIRTY NINE (ah, ha, ha, haaaaaaaa) ACTIVITY POINTS EARNED this week, I was not taking anything less than a pound of weight loss. My scale fears me, as well it should.

So I hope you've all been burning tons of fat with all this godforsaken bullshitting fuckmaking Christmas shopping assiness. And of course peace on earth. I swear, I might as well wrap myself in Saran Wrap before heading out into the madness. Or so it feels like, anyway.

Last week's triumph
On Friday we had our office Christmas party. It was the first fun one ever on record. Nice going, Cancer! I am very pleased to report that, although booze and cupcakes were served, I partook of neither. I danced vigorously (gave myself two Activity Points) and stuck primly to four pieces of vegetarian sushi. THEN I went to my workout with Derek! THEN I walked up the hill to the pub to meet SuperBarb and the Boyz and stuck primly to salad w/ grilled chicken and white wine. Okay, six glasses. Still though. It was good to be righteously shitfaced. Then on Saturday I didn't even stuff my face with greasy hangover carbs because alas, I had used up all my flex points for the week already. THE STEELY DETERMINATION! (It helps if you don't get up til noon - less eating time to avoid.)

The week ahead
Alright, it's Christmas. The office is full of Point-y delicioush crap. And then I'm going home for a long weekend of festivussing. This is my pledge to you: I will stick within my points, and if I go over, I will earn them back in Activity Points. (Normally I try not to swap my Activity Points for food if I can help it.) Mostly I just want to not gain weight.

I want to thank you all for sticking with me this past year and always being so supportive and empathetic. I hope you all have a warm, happy, functional holiday with the people you love. With portion-appropriate servings of delicioushnesh!

xo,
Lindsay

Dec 17: Vintage!

Heya folks!

Quick update: lost only half a pound this week. Which bugs me, but this time around I am already prepared to accept the fact that my body really, sincerely, genuinely loves fat and is very reluctant to let it go. I am practicing compassion for my hips, thighs, boobs, arms... change is never easy.

Now on to business: I have a very special treat for you today! Tremendous thanks to SuperBarb for sending me the link!

For you career dieters out there, I know you've done the Dub Dub before. Can you remember what the program looked like when you first signed up? My first time was back in 1984. I wish I still had the materials. I can visualize them still. Instead of the POINTS system, the program referred to food "exchanges". You were allowed a certain number of exchanges per day from each food category: fruits (I think veggies were probably still "free" back then?), meats, dairy, starches and fats. So it was a little bit stricter and probably slightly more nutritious because the program was based on recommended daily allowances for each food group. With the POINTS system, you can eat chocolate or a Big Mac or whatever, so long as you track the number of points in it. It's basically a fancy way of counting calories.

Well anyway. I am curious to hear your thoughts on previous iterations of the Weight Watchers program. But that's an aside. The reason I got to thinking about such things is because Barb sent me a link to this HI-larious website featuring scans of Dub Dub recipe cards from 1974! Outrageous gross and fantastic, all at once!

The site is the work of Wendy McClure, a Chicago area writer who discovered these cards in her parents' basement. You have to read her comments alongside each of the recipe cards. Holy shit they're hysterical! She even wrote a book about them! Holiday gift ideas, anyone?

Thanks again to Barb. Fan-friggin-TAStic find!

Dec 10: The Count LOVES to count POINTS!

Greetings blogren,

Business first: lost 5 pounds after my first week of clean living on the DubDub Online plan. Sweet.

Okay, so, I'm sure lots of you are familiar with the Weight Watchers POINTS® system. For those of you who aren't, a quick description:

Instead of counting calories, or "exchanges" as in days of yore, you count points. The number of points you're allowed to eat per day depends on your weight. I am permitted 21 points per day. Points are calculated based on calories, fat content and fibre content. Generally speaking, a point is about 50 calories. But foods that are packed with lots of fibre and are low in fat can have more calories in them.

Okay, so, you're reading that, doing rough calculations in your head and thinking to yourself, 50 calories x 21 points = 1050...? Is Weight Watchers trying to starve you?! No, see this is the fun part. In addition to your daily allotment of points, you get 35 flex points to use throughout the week, however you want to spread them out. So if you're going to a big party, you can blow a wad and eat cake or whatever. Or you can just add an extra 5 points per day to your regular allotment. It's up to you. I love that, because psychologically, it lets me feel free to binge on occasion. I'm sure that there are some who think this is probably a flaw, in terms of encouraging or enabling that behaviour. Personally I feel that allowing myself the occasional opportunity to go a little crazy is the only thing that's going to keep me on what I would otherwise think of as Austerity Measures.

But that's not all! In addition to the 35 flex points, you can earn more points through the week through activity and exercise. I'm not exactly sure, but my feeling is that you earn 1 activity point for every 100 calories burned, more or less. There's a little calculator that looks at duration and intensity.

I am a person who loves to count. I'm not in it for this healthy lifestyle crap. Please. Pounds! Inches! Calories! Or, in the gym, reps! Minutes! Weights! Calories burned! So, with the online DubDub program, you get this cute little tracker that allows you to plug in all your points consumed, earned, saved, etc. Oh it's a counting bonanza all day long! I must say, I have been far more diligent about walking to work since starting up with the DubDub last week. It's about a 20-25 minute walk each way, so if I walk to and from work, I save money on subway fare and I earn TWO! TWO Activity Points, ah, ha ha haaaaaaa!

Good times.

Dec 4: RE-WEIGHTED

Uuuuugggghhh.

Well, I'm back. Including the 15 pounds I'd lost earlier in the year. Plus some new pounds to keep the others company. (What a party those guys are having! The fun never stops.) September and October were really bad months for me. November improved slightly with the arrival of my Miaouw, but times were still kinda dark. I don't know what triggered it, but I was in a very long-lasting depressive cycle and I gave in to it fully. And of course, the more I gave in to it -> the fatter I got -> the more I wanted to hide -> the more depressed I got... you get the idea.

So yeah. My weight is 169. Just 2 pounds shy of my all time high. I shake my head at myself as I write this. I couldn't face the scale while I was in the midst of the depression. A couple of times I made half-hearted attempts to pull myself out and get back on the wagon of good eating and regular exercise. But I avoided the scale, and my blog. All I have been good for is dutifully going to work and then going home to the cocoon of fattitude. Almost all of my clothes no longer fit. I've been wearing a sports bra for the last month because it's the only one that fits, and because my boobs have become gigantic flabsacks. Ugh, it's disgusting.

However! I am approaching the light at the end of this long, dark, autumnal tunnel. I did face the scale. It sucked, but it's over now and I survived. My shame is no longer a deep, unnamed fear. It is concrete and actually not so very shameful - here I am sharing it with all of you, after all.

I joined Weight Watchers online on Tuesday. For the past month or two I have been trying to figure out what I can do to kickstart me out of this depressive cycle. I thought about joining Overeaters Anonymous, which would be a new thing for me. Also free. But I got hung up on the notion of a 12 step program with quasi-religious undertones. I almost gave in and re-upped with Jenny Craig, but that felt like a step backwards. I do need something to be accountable to. With DubDub Online, I am still only accountable to myself, but there's a structure that involves checking in every day, tracking my food intake and my exercise. Mind, I've tried it before and ultimately abandoned it. But I felt like I had to do something and this seemed the least intrusive. Or something.

This weekend I'm going clothes shopping. I need to feel like less of a schlep. I'm going to be this weight, or in this general area, for awhile, and I won't be motivated to get out of it if every time I look at myself in the mirror I hate what looks back.

So, welcome back. I know many of you reading this can relate. I invite you all to forgive yourselves and hop back on the party wagon with me!

Aug 26: The Demon Aspartame

Shout out: The Demon Barb, who demanded an update.

So, I don' t know, guys. I've been following the Atkins meal plan for over two weeks and I am ALREADY stuck. Seriously, WTF is up with my wretched body. Everything was going along quite nicely, I was losing at a steady pace, and then this past weekend I hopped on a plane to surprise my Miaouw, who is in the Bay Area at the moment, for his birthday. For the first time in... perhaps ever, I stuck with my diet whilst visiting my boyfriend. Well done, you might say, and I'd agree with you wholeheartedly.

So then, why do I come home and find out not only have I not lost any more weight, but in fact I have gained 1-2 pounds? BITCHES! GAH!!!! Quel frustrate.

I surmise that I must not be in ketosis after all, and I start trying to figure out why. The late Dr. Atkins advises that there are a few prescription drugs that may impede ketosis: birth control pills (check), anti-depressants of the SSRI variety (check). So, nothing I can do about those for now. But also, he advises that you stay away from aspartame. Apparently it can kick you out of ketosis.

Well I knew this going in, and chose to continue drinking my beloved, gut-killing Diet Dr Pepper anyway. I adopted a wait and see mentality. But this weekend I had a lot more DDP than I normally do (which is already a fair amount) so I'm wondering if this is the cause. I'm looking for beverages in Canada that are sweetened with sucralose a.k.a. Splenda. Yesterday at lunch I did recon at the the nearby Sobey's and found that Diet Crush (I like the orange; not a huge fan of cream soda) and Schweppes seemed to be the only sweet 'n' fizzy beverages on the mass market that I could choose from. Last night I discovered that the Loblaws President's Choice label makes their Free & Clear beverages with sucralose, so I picked up a couple bottles of that. Today I've been sipping Tangerine-Lime and guzzling water. I had a headache by 10 a.m. which I attribute to withdrawal.

I also bought some ketostix last night and pissed all over my hand this morning trying to get a reading. I've read not to rely too much on what these things say because different factors can impact on the outcome of the test, like time of day, level of hydration, level of recent activity, etc. I've heard you should test every day at the same time, either morning and/or night time. So this morning's piss says: no ketones in the blood. Sad faces.

So that's the update. I need to get off aspartame anyway. I've known this for a long time. So maybe this is a good thing, even if this is not the impediment to ketosis. I will continue to experiment and test with the ketostix to see if I'm doing the right thing. It's annoying, but I am still feeling pretty upbeat overall.

Aug 17: Life on Atkins

So I've been on the Atkins plan for a week and a half now and I gotta say... LOVING IT! Before I go any further (and this is not because I think y'all are gonna sue me or anything), I want to say that I am still considering this an experiment, I am not endorsing it as a magic cure or advocating it as a solution for everyone or for anyone other than me, and even for me, who knows. I'm just saying, I feel awesome.

Here's what's working for me:

No sugar or bread/pasta cravings
I don't find I am missing out on processed carbs like bread and pasta and potatoes. Once in a while (usually after a meaty kinda meal) I think something sweet would be nice, but I don't feel dogged by cravings. Of course, it's early times yet. There is a theory that the less sugar you eat, the less you crave it, and I think that's true, but I don't know if that theory accounts for the psychological or emotional cravings that come later, and may be related to feelings of deprivation, or maybe other stuff going on in your life that's not related to diet and eating. It's early times. So we'll see if it holds. But for now, I feel very satisfied on this eating plan.

Chewing (and swallowing) the fat
I think one thing that is making a difference is not having to hide from fat. Food that is prepared with fats like butter, olive oil or... dare I suggest... bacon grease - it tastes way better. So I am not feeling deprived, I am feeling the opposite. I've never eaten so much cheese in my life! I have four kinds in my fridge right now! It's unbelievable!

Ketosis is keeping me honest
Also working for me: in order for the Atkins approach to work, you can't really "cheat" or have a few extras here and there, the way I have in the past with low fat, calorie reduced diets. The whole point of cutting down so drastically on your carbohydrate intake is to cause your metabolism to switch from burning glucose as its primary fuel source (once carbs are ingested, the body converts them to glucose and uses it as fuel; excess glucose gets stored as fat) to burning fat as its primary fuel source. This is why you can eat so much fat on the diet - it gets burned right away to fuel your body, and once your body is using fat as fuel, it turns to stored fat and starts burning that too. When your body starts burning fat as its fuel, you're in ketosis.

So anyway, science lesson aside, the point is, from a behavioural perspective, there is sort of a built-in cheat-protection on this plan. I don't take weekends off, or figure it's fine to have a slice of cake at the office or whatever because I'm going to the gym after work. (And again, I must stress: NOT THAT THERE IS ANYTHING WRONG WITH THAT! I actually like that approach, i.e. a little something called "moderation" or "balance" or as some might say, "a bit of frigging perspective".) But the way I was going the past few months, I just needed a more disciplined approach, and in order for Atkins to work, I have to trust the science, since I can't trust myself to veer just a little off course without winding up in Albuquerque.

As for my weight loss thus far...
Well, I'm not exactly sure. I was too depressed to weigh myself at the outset, so I can only estimate what my starting weight was, based on the way my clothing (didn't) fit. I reckon I was between 158-160, but can't say for sure. This morning I am 151.5. I am not saying I've lost minimum 6.5 pounds thus far; I'm sure some of that was water and whatever. When I weigh myself next weekend it will be more telling. Would be nice to finally start losing at a decent rate. I wouldn't mind an average of 2 pounds a week, which is safe. I'm not looking for a quick fix; just want my metabolism to do its part if I'm gonna bust my hump six days a week in the gym.

So anyway, very cool. I'm encouraged. We shall see what continues to unfold...

PS Lola says upside down meow.

Aug 10: Emergence

In case it hasn't been obvious, or at the very least, inferable, I've been struggling. Ne worry pas, it's not a new struggle. I've been here many times before; I'm sure it's a cyclical thing, just part of my process.

Which is not to say that the cycle is unavoidable, or that it is predictable in terms of when it will strike, or how long it will last. When I vowed a month ago to get my shit together, I meant it. I thought I was pulling out of it. But events have conspired against me, including the nagging injury, the lack of confidence in my metabolism to respond to "good behaviour" eating, and the annual family weekend visit last week, which always stresses me out. My anxiety (and anxiety-eating) around this event plays out like that saying about the duration of a cold: three days coming, three days staying, three days leaving. That about sums it up. I got a lot of anxiety eating done in those nine days.

So, rather than sink into total desolation, which I rarely do anymore, thank goddess (i.e. thank me), I forged a plan. It is kind of a radical plan, for me, anyway, insofar as I've never tried this, and it goes against everything I think I know about myself as far as how I react to dietary restrictions. But I feel like I need to do something to kick my fat-ass metabolism off the couch and onto the treadmill. GET TO WORK, DAMN YOU!!

Soooo, I am giving Atkins a shot. I know, I know, diets don't work. But what I really need right now is a bit of encouragement. Some gee-dee results, ya know? I'm going to see if this whole ketosis thing really does work, and if my metabolism responds. I don't know how long I will do this. It's an experiment. I'm on Day 4 right now, and feeling okay. Don't find I miss the carbs or the sugar, but possibly (likely) that has something to do with the attempted carbicide (TM Brüno) over the past couple weeks.

This is all new to me, counting the carbs. It's kinda cool to have something new to focus on, and to eat different kinds of foods whilst trying to lose weight. It is keeping me VERY busy, reading up on how it works and keeping track of everything.

I'm not weighing myself until I've done two weeks of "Induction". Partly I just didn't want to know what the damage was - I couldn't face it. Partly I don't want to get discouraged if it takes a few days or weeks to get my body into this crazy fat-burning mode.

I will blog more about Atkins and how it works in future installments, for those of you who are interested.

Rock on, it's good to feel proactive again!

PS Physio seems to be working. I've been easing off the walking to and from work and doing some extra stretching and stuff. Have worked out the last three days in a row and am feeling no pain, knock on head. Keep your fingers crossed for me!

Jul 20: It didn't take.

Sigh.

Alright, alright, it's not so bad. Mostly I am just supremely frustrated by this recurring sports injury thingy, something I have never really dealt with. I am not an athlete by any stretch, but I guess this is like a micro-dose of how it must feel to be mentally raring to go and having to accept the fact that your body is not in synch with your mind. So you know, naturally, my mind looks to rejoin my body by sidelining the renewed attitude thing. Or something. I don't know.

Last week when I weighed myself, I was coy and did not give up the number because, ugh, it was 156. I just knew that wasn't a real number. So I was diligent all week, just like I said I would be, and by Saturday morning I was 150. Nice. On Sunday I was out at the Acura 10-Miler & 5K with some work colleagues - it was to benefit the Canadian Cancer Society, where I work, so I volunteered to run the 5k as part of a team. So about 20 metres into the run, BOING, my left calf muscle or tendon or whatever the eff is back there causing shit popped out and I had to run the whole thing with this aching calf muscle. Which, dig me, running through the pain. Cut me! Cut me!

Anyway, about that list of vows from last week:

VOW	RESULT
do the 10 minute abs video every day	did it on Monday, did the Awesome Abs class at gym on Tuesday, then... nada
exercise 6 days a week	Mon, Tues, Wed, Sat, Sun - not bad
stop taking weekends off	ummmm
be more label conscious at the supermarket	meh
make a video once a week	nope
sign up for Toronto Island 10k	not done yet; but this will happen, no question
lose 10 pounds before Sep 20	pfffffttt not at this rate
make out with self every day	not even once (sniffle)

This is why I don't set myself goals. How depressing. But I knew I had to get out here and confess or else... shame spiral. In fact, this morning after my cottage cheese and fruit breakfast I ate a whole bag of Kettle Corn. 910 calories. Gulp. I was just feeling rebellious and frustrated, and you know what happens when I get resentful. So, it's back to confessional for me. All I can do is tell you all about it and pray to Holy Oprah, full of grace, to wash away my sins and give me a blank slate to start fresh once again.

I do have a bunch of raw video footage from the 5k which will hopefully be mildly entertaining once I cobble it together. Hopefully get that done some time this week.

Alright, Trigger, get over here so I can get back up on ya. Or... something less stupid and more inspriational. Gah.

PS I am making an appointment this week with a physiotherapist to get my leg looked at. Meantime I've been icing it and stretching it and all that blah, blah, yadda, yadda, so ne worry pas.

Jul 13: Recommitted and it feels so good

It's been roughly six months since I started this blog. I've lost between 10 and 15 pounds, depending when you ask, which is... well, let's face it, not outstanding. On the other hand, I've also run a 10k and I do cardio usually 3-5 times a week, with hour long strength training sessions twice a week, which I can and do consider to be very good, possibly outstanding. I am not really any closer to vanquishing the binge eating habits that have dogged me for most of my adult life, but I am better at accepting my shortcomings and not hating myself for them.

I think it's time for a re-jiggering. Last week the wheels came off the bus a bit. I've been injured (some sort of recurring issue with my left calf - I am going to see a physiotherapist about it, since my benefits package at work covers $500/yr for physio), so I've been slacking a bit on the exercise (haven't run in 2 weeks, though I've done some cardio at the gym). And I've been resentful about not getting to eat anything and everything that strikes my fancy.

So last week I said, okay, have what you fancy. Get it out of your system. Gain a few pounds. And then next week, we begin again, in earnest. Here I am now, raring to go (despite the lingering ache in my left calf; I shall not let it deter me).

My commitment to myself includes the following pledges:

• do the 10 minute abs video every day


• exercise six days a week - aim for 500-600 calories burned in a session


• STOP TAKING THE WHOLE WEEKEND OFF!!!


• start reading labels again and avoid lots of preservatives and junk, especially artificial sweeteners – I think if I stop consuming so much sugar, I will stop craving it so much


• make a video once a week


• sign up for Toronto Island 10k Run, happening Sep 20


• lose 10 pounds before Toronto Island Run


• make out with myself every day, no matter my size

Some of those goals will be tougher than others but I know I am up for it. One of the things that has really been slowing me down is taking the weekends off. I think my compromise from now on will be, on ONE day of the weekend, I can have A meal off. Not the whole day off. We'll see how that goes.

Okay, to kick the whole thing off, a fresh viddie, featuring killer guitar solo! Plus an invitation to any and all to step forward and have yourselves committed! Just sign up in the comments section - we'll keep each other accountable and honest and encouraged and supported.

And if de-elevator tries 2 bring u down...

GO CRAZY!

Jun 26: Finally, life begins!

Happy Birthday to me! Some thoughts on turning 40:

People have been asking me if I plan to do anything special. My response has just been to shrug and say, whatever. I haven't felt much of anything about it, one way or the other: dread or excitement. But this morning I was lying in bed and I had a bit of panic when I realized that when people ask me how old I am, I will have to say "40". It seemed to trigger that low-level anxiety that's always humming in the background about how I haven't done anything with my life of any import. I think this anxiety is borne of our culture's pre-occupation with individualism, the need to see ourselves as special, unique, different. Some people do it by naming their children Pilot Inspektor, others by broadcasting their thoughts on Twitter every 10 minutes... or, ahem, blogging them. I once had a therapist tell me that my desire to be special was what was making me unhappy. Still puzzling out how to rid myself of that desire. But actually, I am closer to understanding what makes me special. I think what I need to focus on for awhile is what makes everyone else special.

[burrrrp] Okay, moving on from the deeply profound crap.

When I started this weight loss journey back in January, I was looking to my 40th birthday five months away as a short-term goal, hoping to be a lot thinner, to finally fit back into these great capri pants I got a couple years ago, to be able to bask in this accomplishment of getting my weight under control. Well, I am thinner, but not a lot thinner. I weighed in at 149 this morning. The capri pants do up, but just barely. And yet, I bask. I ran 5 miles last night. I can say, as I did when I turned 30, that I am fitter now than I have ever been in my life. I've stopped fighting those demons that have led to my food issues and just sort of accepted them as part of me. That's not the same thing as giving up. It's more like a détente, which is allowing me to find some peace.

Through this amazing thing called the Internet, I've made so many friends across Canada, the United States, and amazingly, the rest of the world. Many have long since moved past this arbitrary marker that we endow with so much meaning, and I see them thriving, relaxed and at peace with themselves, even as they continue with the daily struggles of life. I'm inspired by all of you, reassured that aging is not something to be feared, but something to be embraced. Thank you everyone.

I came thisclose to wearing my tiara to work today, but decided against it. (I do very fondly remember the night I received it, from my home girl Lanie, on the very drunken occasion of my 36th birthday, singing karaoke and doing smash-up derby cheers with far too many screwdrivers.) I settled for my World Wildlife Fund "Hotter Than I Should Be" t-shirt. Avec flair.

Jun 22: Bathroom reading

Warning: This blog contains a non-graphic and fairly benign reminder that sometimes people have a few extra minutes to kill when they are in the bathroom. Reader discretion is advised.

A few months back I very spontaneously bought a book at Shoppers Drug Mart called Eat This, Not That! Supermarket Survival Guide by David Zinczenko and Matt Goulding. If you haven't seen it, it's a very cool paperback that compares brand name products of similar types of prepared foods, advising which products are the healthier choices, or in some cases, the lesser evils.

The book is divided into sections ("Pantry Staples", "Snacks & Sweets", "The Freezer Section", etc.) and also includes a chapter on produce [aside: do you say proh-duce or prah-duce? The Miaouw makes fun of me for saying prah-juce], a recipe/meal plan section, and a food glossary. Here's a sample page comparing "Wholesome Cereals":


The little colour-coded blocks circling the product photos give nutritional information about the product, and the corresponding colours of the blocks inform you which two products are being compared (e.g. the "featured" comparison on this page is between Kashi "Vive" Toasted Graham & Vanilla, which I've never heard of but it sounds awesome, and Kellogg's "Smart Start", which apparently has 10 ingredients that are either sugar or some sort of sweetener).

So anyway, this sucker is ideal for bathroom reading. You can pick it up randomly, flip it open to any page, and get some good supermarket advice and ideas. The Miaouw in particular has been very intrigued to learn about the total lack of food value in some products that are shamelessly promoting themselves with the tell-tale "low fat" (i.e. high sugar) and "lite" labels.

Another recent addition to the royal library is a Canadian fitness magazine that I unwittingly find myself a subscriber to called I Run. I guess I got on their list last October when my mom and I participated in the Toronto Marathon. (We have been walking the half-marathon for 3 or 4 years now. My mom is totally hardcore and walks full marathons, which is awesome.) Anyway, this year there was a promotion and participants were automatically signed up with a one-year subscription. I never would have thought I would have any interest in a magazine about running, but I didn't expect to run a 10k race either.

The magazine features articles about elite level athletes and "regular joes" (the current issue features a profile of [[[shudder]]] Stockwell Day, former leader of the reactionary conservative Reform Party of Canada; I haven't read it yet but I'm sure there will be an opportunity during a particularly satisfying dump). It also has training tips, nutrition advice, travelogues and of course lots of ads for upcoming runs across the country. It's kinda cool, reading this magazine and getting inspired to become better acquainted with a whole different lifestyle and world of possibilities. Who knows, I may re-up my subscription when it expires in the fall.

Jun 16: Cereal killer

There are certain foods that I just can't be trusted to have in my apartment. I'm not talking about the obvious chips-and-chocolate stuff. I'm talking about basic foodstuffs that most normal people keep in a well-stocked pantry to be consumed in single, normal size portions, over several weeks.

For examp, cereal. On Friday night I was heading home from work and I was starving. I felt like I just needed a small burst of carbs to hold me over til dinner, so I picked up a box of Honey Nut Cheerios. A three quarter cup serving is 120 calories. I figured that oughta do the trick - just to munch on, no milk. And it mostly did. But then it tasted so good, I had another three quarter cup serving. Only another 120 calories. I'm still okay. So, what's for dinner? Neither of us felt like cooking. We decided to order sushi for delivery. Bit of a mistake, as it takes an HOUR to deliver. Think I'll just have another sensible portion of Cheerios while I wait...

Sushi arrives and... WHOOPS we ordered WAY TOO MUCH. Oh well, I already blew it by eating a ton of Cheerios... you can see where this is going...

Luckily, as Anne of Green Gables winsomely observed, tomorrow is another day, with no mistakes in it yet. Unfortunately, tomorrow also happened to be Saturday. I got up and had some Cheerios for breakfast. A couple hours later, I had some Cheerios for lunch. Mid-day snack, Cheerios on vanilla ice cream. Etc. Basically, the box was gone by mid-Sunday.

I suppose all of this would be okay if I'd gotten off my ass on the weekend and done a sensible portion of cardio. I haven't worked out since Thursday, this being Tuesday. In addition to my pre-existing condition of chronic laziness, I got thrown off my routine on the weekend - my Saturday appointment at the gym got cancelled because Derek's parents were in town. Whatever, Derek's parents. I hope you're happy.

(I'm going to the gym tonight and doing an hour of cardio, right after work, no excuses.)

Any of you guys have foods you can't have in the house?

Jun 11: I dreamt my guns were bazookas

Hey kiddiewinks!

I'm having a pretty good week, D-Weightedly speaking. Working out hard, eating well, resisting temptations (ALERT! ALERT! Retirement party at work on Tuesday! GAAAAHHH hors d'oeuvres everywhere!!! I ate a damn banana) and this morning my scale is pretending I've lost another pound (149), and I'm just gonna go ahead and believe it.

So yesterday I was brushing my hair in the morning and I looked in the mirror and HOLY GEEZ THERE ARE BULGES COMING OUT OF MY ARMS!!! Check it out, I have muscle tone! Okay fine, I still have flab tone too, but I think the biceps may be starting to gain a bit on the swaying suspension bridges that are my underarms. I recreated the image this morning for you so you can bask in my success yourselves:

Anyway, I was at the gym last night and telling Derek about this minor success, and he referred to these strange bulges as my "guns". I'm like, my GUNS! I have GUNS! I retorted, "My lovely lady guns!" It was all v. exciting.

So last night I had this crazy dream that my biceps were no longer these subtle, shapely, sexy arm humps, but had turned into freakish Swanson's Hungry Man biceps, like I'm a competitive lumberjack or an Olympic rower or... I don't know... a man. I flexed and they had this cartoonish reaction. It was weird and a little disconcerting. Michelle Obama's arms don't do that. So I think I'm gonna have to watch it. No steroids for me.

Jun 9: Spite pays off!

So last night I was due for a run. I almost didn't go, but that's pretty typical. Sometimes I think that getting myself downstairs for a run is all about waiting for an opening in mood traffic. There are certain breaks in the steady stream of laziness that periodically present themselves in an evening, and if you don't step on the gas right then and there, you're gonna be stuck on the couch for the rest of the night.

Anyway, I made my way downstairs and figured I'd run for half an hour or so, and do some light weights, and just feel good about the fact I went at all, rather than push myself to do a lengthy run.

Well I got to the fitness room, and there was a guy in there already. He was adjusting the TV so that it faced the treadmill. Nuts. I asked him if he was using the treadmill and he said "No". I'm like, really? Okay. I took him at his word, and went about my business. I started up the treadmill, which is pretty loud, and suggested he might want to turn up the volume. He was watching Ultimate Fighting Champions or something. And he was standing RIGHTNEXT to me. He said no, no, and then he gestured toward a woman in the hallway who was on the phone, which to me seemed to indicate that he was waiting for her, and wouldn't be there long? I don't know. I shrugged and got on with my run.

Minutes passed. And yet more minutes. I was having a decent run - averaging 5.5 mph (I've been trying to gradually get my average running speed up, as much as my heart and lungs can take, anyway). I kept looking out at the woman on the phone and willing her to shut the eff up and get off the phone so this guy standing RIGHTNEXT to me watching UFC while I huffed and puffed and produced a downpour of sweat (should have shook myself out like a dog) would LEAVE ALREADY. I delayed my walking break for as long as I felt okay about it - after 2 miles, most of it run at 5.5 mph, I slowed down for a break. Actually, I pushed myself a lot longer than I have in the past when running that speed, mostly out of some sort of resentment of this guy's presence. I don't know.

Anyway, after around half an hour, the woman hung up and wandered down the hall - didn't look into the fitness room to summon the guy next to me or anything, and he didn't budge. He's standing there, just watching TV, RIGHTEFFINGNEXT to me. FUCK! I started to wonder if maybe he DID want to use the treadmill and was just too polite to say so? Which bugged me! I don't know, maybe I should have felt bad, but instead I was irritated. So I just kept running, to spite the guy. I'm such an asshole. But hey man, that's how I roll.

It turned into an epic battle of wills. I'm sorry to say that eventually, I caved. But I ran for 53 minutes instead of 30, powered by spite. And then I took my time doing my warm down and stretches, and all the while, this guy continued standing next to the treadmill, watching UFC. I'd considered sticking around to do some weights, just to see if he would eventually climb on the treadmill, or would be too embarrassed to do so after pretending he didn't want to use it, but I decided I was crazy and at some point, there had to be a victor. So I let him win. Sort of. I mean, what the hell?

Meh. Whatever works, baby!

Jun 8: Progress report(s)

Okay, vacation weight has been banished to... um... hey, where does the fat go when we get rid of it? Is there another Lindsay in a parallel universe who just keeps getting fatter? Would that also mean there is a super-skinny Lindsay universe too, who sacrifices fat every time I gain weight? I guess that would mean I'm the Jerry Seinfeld Lindsay: even Steven.

Anyway! So yeah, at last check, my weight is at 150 which means I can say that I have lost 15 pounds in total since January. I am trying hard not to refer to this number sheepishly, because I feel like it should be a lot higher. And it would be, if I didn't keep veering off course with my eating habits. But you know, I'm still here, right? I'm still working out regularly. And I am still a person who struggles with binge eating disorder, so, hellz, 15 pounds is a-okay. I decided last week that I'd like to be 10 pounds less than I was on May 3 (the date I ran the Sporting Life 10k), when I run the Toronto Island 10k in the fall. So I have 8 pounds to go, which at my current rate is an achievable goal.

I need to make another video, I know. I haven't bothered with measurments for awhile because they haven't changed. But I can still make a video, just for shits 'n' gigs and to liven things up around here.

So, how are y'all doing? Making progress? In a holding pattern? Gaining? Feeling okay? Feeling frustrated? Avoiding feeling? Share, if you can or want. I think it helps everyone to know they're not alone, or to be inspired by those who are in a good place.

Jun 1: So much for that idea

Uuuuhhh, hi.

So, yeah. Guess I'll be busting my hump 3 times a week with Derek for the next month. Heh.

I did try ... sort of... Okay, on Saturday morning in Vancouver, I got up early(ish), got into my workout clothes, went downstairs to the front desk at the crap-ass hotel (a near-constant comedy of errors) and asked where the fitness room was. No such thing, I was told. I could have sworn I saw pictures of it on the internet when I was booking the hotel.

So, I walked outside the hotel, looked around at the busy road and unknown area... aaaannnd... went upstairs and back to bed.

This sort of set the tone for the week to come. Ate my face off, sat around a lot, etc. Although, while in Vancouver with our friends, we did get out and about a lot. On Saturday we walked for the better part of 5 hours (at a leisurely snail-on-vacation's pace, so I didn't count it towards Derek's challenge). On Sunday, we went for a hike at Lynn Canyon that did feature a brief burst of aerobic activity when we climbed out of the canyon. But it was brief enough that I wouldn't feel right counting that day either.

On Wednesday, while visiting Dylan in Washington state, I got up at 6:45 and went to yoga with her. I even sweated! It was a 45 minute class and afterward we walked the dog for 20 minutes, so I'm gonna count that one. Thanks, Dylan!

After that, we were in the car for 12 hour days, and then crashing at the hotels we checked into, usually around 11:00 p.m. or so. We never even got up in time for the free breakfasts, let alone for me to get out and get some exercise in.

Also, I pretty much just said eff you cee kay it to the eating right business. Well, we did buy a veggie tray, some bananas and apples on Wednesday that I nibbled on in the car. And I got a disgusting salad one night for dinner at Crapplebee's. The next night we opted for KFC. Shudder. Sorry everybody. Je suis epic fail.

Yesterday I planned to run for an hour. I even told the Miaouw that I was getting ready to go for a run, at around 2. Instead I went for a nap. Did not get out of my PJs all day. This is embarrassing. Why do I tell you guys this stuff?

Anyway, back on track today. Dreading the weigh in on Wednesday, but it will be good to get honest and know where I stand.

How did y'all do last week? Lane? I hope you did better than me!

May 20: The high cost of gaining weight

Hey fwiendz...

I continue to struggle, but I valiantly fight on. I don't want to talk about my weight. I did muster the courage to get on the scale this morning. Bah. Well, I am working out with Derek tonight and tomorrow night, so I'm gonna check again on Friday. This will allow me a short period of time to bask in my hoped-for success before hopping on a plane to Vancouver on Friday night, where I will meet up with my very special Miaouw for a week of cavorting and eating crap in restaurants and sitting for long days in a car and thinking about maybe going for a run but opting for lying on the hotel bed instead. Okay, okay, I know, positive thinking!

Anyway. I wanted to talk a bit about how much it costs to be a binge eater. When I went for a brief six week treatment class after being diagnosed with binge eating disorder several years ago, one of the things they wanted us to do was to track our binges. I was surprised that one of the columns in the handout they gave us was to list the cost of the food consumed. Hunh. I really hadn't ever thought about it before, but for sure, writing it all down, I definitely started to see how costly it can be.

The thing is, when I give in to the dark call of the binge, I am acting on a compulsion. Logic, reason, thoughtfulness and planning go out the window. I don't think about the cost of any of it, I just want to get the stuff, get home and consume it. The less I have to think about it, the better. As you regular readers know, one of my favourite binge items is chocolates. Not just "chocolate". But like, a box of chocolates. (The variety pleases me.) So, I have become very knowledgeable about the various brands of chocolates out there (in the Canadian market anyway) and I do have my favourites. I like the Laura Secord miniatures, in part because they're all delicious (no coconut crap or disgusting oozy cherry shit in there), and also because the box is "only" 150 g (about 5.3 oz), so I don't feel as guilty eating the whole thing. Lately I have been indulging in the Hershey Pot of Gold milk chocolates, which used to be 454 g (GAH! 1 pound) but are now packaged as 283 g (a caloric bargain at only 10 oz).

(In case you wonder about eating an entire box of chocolates in one sitting, or perhaps two, if it's a one pound box, this is the nature of binge eating. I eat to satisfy the craving, and then when I start to feel sick, I continue eating to a) punish myself for being such a disgusting pig; and b) get rid of the stuff so I can start fresh the next day.)

Well anyway. The Laura Secord miniatures are $10 a box. Which I don't even register when I am wanting to binge. The cost means nothing to me. If I have several days in a row of "bad eating", I will look back at my credit card statement and see charges for $20-$40 for each day. At least.

I used to think that eating healthy food was pricey, especially in terms of the cost of fresh produce. And I know that there are all kinds of studies that say people from lower socio-economic means in our culture are trending towards obesity, in part because fast food is so much cheaper than healthy food. But for me, I spend way less money on food when I am eating right.

Food for thought. Heh.