May 3: Weekend of wins

Hi-yooooo!

Fresh off my triumphant finish at the Sporting Life 10k run in Toronto! Okay, I gotta admit, I didn't triumph as triumphantly as I was hoping to. I finished in 1:07:07, which is exactly 2 minutes faster than last year. This is not insignificant, but less than I was shooting for. I feel like I did not have the mental strength to soldier through, take fewer walking breaks, etc. With about 2-3 km (1.5-2 miles) left in the race, I knew that if I could focus enough to slow down my pace but keep it steady, without anymore breaks, that I could meet my goal. And I made the choice not to suffer for it. I did a good job and I'm proud of my improvement. I'm just not one of those athletes who knows how to suffer.

And really, the race felt like suffering to me. About halfway through I was thinking to myself about how much I just wanted to walk the rest of the way. I don't know if this is just something runners go through when they are out there on race day, or it's because it doesn't come naturally to me or what. Maybe I just have to keep working at it, to improve my fitness, so it isn't so difficult to finish. The first 20-30 minutes of the run went great. Although, okay. That's where there are a couple of really great downhill grades. (The advantages of which, by the way, are purchased on credit with payment in full to be delivered to my thobbing quads the next day.)

I am still determined to improve, and try again in July for the 10 miler. I think I need to train outdoors more. I figured out why the treadmill is so much easier: it creates momentum that you have to make on your own when you run outside. Anyway, I know I have been improving my times and my endurance, and I'm motivated to keep working at it, but I just want to say: don't love running. Love the challenge, though. And the benefits I've seen. It's good to set goals and work to achieve them.

Congrats to all the Ladies of the Cancer, by the way. They totally smoked. I think five (?) of them broke an hour, and the others were not far behind. Hat tip to the Torq and Kat ("wrath of" in the comments) for all their ever-lovin support and encouragement.


Okay, the other triumph this week: lost 2.4 pounds! WORD. My metabolism is like a tourist meandering along Yonge St., taking in the sites, in no great hurry, and I'm trying to get around them so I can pick up my pace. Er, I think that metaphor got away on me. Point being: slow. So if I lose more than a single pound in a week, it's great news. Thus, I was very happy with the number. I am through trying to believe that the numbers on the scale don't mean anything! I love the numbers!

Apr 26: Return of the Stubby Hourglass

Wouldja lookit the date on this post? It's almost MAY! It's a windy day here in Toronto and on my walk to work I looked up and saw a big old tree, covered in glorious green leaves, rustling and swaying to and fro, and it just made me beam. Love this time of year! Blossoms on the trees everywhere too. Fabulous.

Okay, so on Saturday I had my monthly measurements taken. In addition to the .8 of a pound lost, bringing the grand total to 15.4, I was heartened to learn I've lost another 2 inches off my waist, plus an inch off the pooch and an inch off the gazongas as well. The hips remain stubbornly shapely. Rump likes being rump!

Since the start of February, I've lost seven inches from my waist! Wow. My middle was getting pretty thickly there. My measurements as of Saturday are 38-30-41. (Maybe 41.5?) If I was 4 or 5 inches taller, that actually wouldn't be too bad! But for now, I'm pretty pleased - at least everything is in proportion. Total inches lost all over is 19. But I take this number with a grain of salt because they now measure the abdomen/pooch, which means you get another bunch of inches to add to your overall total that once went un-tracked. Still, though, it is great to see the progress represented numerically: NINETEEN! NINETEEN INCHES OF FAT REMOVED, AH, HA, HA, HAAAAAAAAA!

Okay so this Sunday is the big 10k run. I'm feeling ready - last night I ran 5.5 miles (10k is about 6.2 miles), in a blistering time of 57:51. I don't know how it's going to go, running outside. Last year I was surprised by how much faster I ran than I had been training/expecting. I think a lot of it is the adrenaline, the excitement of the event, being surrounded by all these other runners, the energy you get from one another. I would like to better my time from last year (1:09:07) by 4-5 minutes if possible. I feel like I've been training a lot stronger and faster than I was last year. But I realize that's a lot of time to shave. I'll be happy with any time that is an improvement on last year.

Rock on kiddiewinks!

Apr 12: Thinspiration

Easter recap: nom nom nom nom
Plateau update: down one pound over past 2 weeks - I think Easter nomming may have fired up my metabolism a bit? Anyway, I'm feeling okay. Total loss is 13 pounds since Feb 1.

What a feelin...
So I was at the gym on Friday for my torture session with Derek. It wasn't my best outing. I gotta admit, I was a little whiny. Derek wasn't in the mood for it (imagine if your job entailed listening to fat people whine about push ups - shudder). I was feeling kinda bad about it. Not like, slit my wrists bad or anything, but just... "you can do better than this".

Anyway, the last 7 mins of our workout, we were doing some cardio on the bike. The last minute is always a set of two 20 second sprints, and I go as hard as I can. I'm thinking it probably looks impressive, especially because I sweat so much that I look like the Flashdance water scene.

So in the locker room, I'm blow-drying my hair and this tall, gorgeous, fit woman with a fantastic afro walks up to me on her way out and says, "You were really inspiring me during my workout today". For reals! I said, "Right on!" and bumped fists with her. She inspired me right back, or helped me to reframe my negative thoughts and feelings about myself. Cool.

Hail Ana full of grace...
The Miaouw and I have been talking about the online pro-ana movement, or sub-culture, or cult, not sure which is the best term to describe it. It is freaky and alarming and fascinating. If you don't know what I'm talking about, the link above gives some info, but it's better to visit some pro-ana sites in themselves, where young girls defend anorexia nervosa as a "lifestyle choice", not a mental illness, and post images of skeletal models as "thinspiration". Yeeeikes.

The Miaouw pointed out that for some girls, this value set has morphed into a quasi-religion, in which they pray to the personification, "Ana" to give them strength to resist temptation, to forgive them when they slip, to make them "free and light". Whenever I land on one of these sites, I always wonder if it's real or satire. I mean, dude, it is So! Fucked! Up! Check this out, from Cassandra's site, ~Save Me Ana~:

Dear Ana,

I offer you my soul, my heart and my bodily functions. I give you
all my earthly possessions. I seek your wisdom, your faith and your feather
weight.

I pledge to obtain the ability to float, to lower my weight to the single digits, I pledge to stare into space, to fear food, and to see obese images in the mirror. I will worship you and pledge to be a faithful servant until death does us part.

If I cheat on you and procreate with Ronald McDonald, Dave Thomas, the colonel or that cute little dog. I will kneel over my toilet and thrust my fingers deep in my throat and pray for your forgiveness.

If you stay with me, I will worship you daily, I will run miles a day, come rain, snow, bitter cold or searing heat I will run from the pain and in fright. I will do 1,000 sit ups a day and lie to my family about what I eat and how I feel. I will stop weeping when I feel your warm arms embrace my shivering body. I will numb the hunger pains with razor blades and your strength.

If you give me the strength to fade away I will love you and worship you forever. When i'm finally faded to nothing, when you've given me the gift of ending this torturous life. I will float on to the next world and be thin and beautiful payment for my undying love for you in this world. I ask only one more thing you, please ana, take away this hatred for my pain and allow me to be free and light.

Forever, Cassandra

I think I speak for all of us when I say holy fucking jesus h KEY-RIST on a popsicle stick. How can this not be read as satire? I srsly don't get it. Wow.

As is typical of us, we miaouws have irreverently started throwing out prayers to Ana. The Miaouw asked me to print this image (by Ruth Gwily) off for him at work, for his "thinspiration". I did, and when I got home and saw half a stick of butter he'd left out on the counter, I tacked it to the fatty demon, right in its heart! We're gonna start work on a treatment for a new TV show: Ana the Butter Slayer.

Well anyway, that's a two-sided look at inspiration; one sane and healthy and slightly ironic; the other totally off the charts crazy for cocoa puffs that I shall stab myself in the eye with if I attempt to ingest one. Whatever works for y'all!

Mar 31: Plateaunic

Sisters and brothers,

What's the word, now word up? Rhetorical question. Okay, so, how's everybody doing in the Battle of the Bulbousness? Are you sweating and grunting your way through thrice weekly workouts? Training for a marathon of aerobic smugness? Contemplating the idea of one day maybe taking the stairs? Forsaking second breakfast and feeling that's good enough for now? Some where in between? Let me know. Let us aaaaaallll know. Here at D-Weighted, we do not judge. Well, we judge, but not openly. Kidding, kidding! I keed because I love. You know that.

So, you want to know about me? How kind. Since you clicked, I will tell you. My last weigh in, on Caturday, was a little disappointing. I gained .2 of a pound. (How do you say that? "Point two of a pound"? If I was quick on the uptake I would say "a fifth of a pound" but calculation doesn't come as fast as the chatter. I mean, it's fine when you're blogging, but... 'k I'm bored with this aside.) So yeah. Up a fifth. Whatever, it's pretty insignificant and I'm not crying myself to sleep on my huge pillow or anything. But it always sucks to gain, especially when you ran four times that week and observed the Rules of Jenny.

Well, except for the previous Saturday night, when I polished off most of a bottle of wine, some cheese, a couple of one-bite brownies, and 2 pieces of Popeye's chicken w/ fries on the way home. Okay, when you put it that way, dang. It didn't seem so bad at the time. Maybe the double digit blood alcohol level affected my perspective (and my willpower) a smidge.

Even without the Saturday slip, I feel like my body is starting to dig in its heels (um, I am digging in my heels... but like, metaphorically... whatever). Plateaus [plateaux?] are inevitable and all one can do is suffer through them. When I've done all I can do (okay, not ALL, but a Saturday night slip once in awhile is called "living") in terms of eating right and exercising, I just have to feel okay about the fact that I'm healthy and this sort of fluctuation is out of my control.

This weekend I'm headed home for Easter with the fambly. My mom is also doing Jenny so that might help me stay straight. We shall see. Hope to get out for a hike with the Miaouw on Good Friday - the forecast is a glorious 25°C / 77°F and sunny. Bonus: my shorts fit again. And I will pack my running gear, try to get in a run on Saturday or Sunday morning. I asked/cajoled my brother about an Easter Egg hunt on Sunday morning. Being the younger sibling, it of course pissed me off the year my mom decided she'd had enough of hiding eggs. He got three more years of hunts! I threw a tantrum which resulted in my 16 year old brother buying two cartons of real-egg-size chocolate eggs and hiding them in the most elaborate, impossible spots imaginable. I think we were still finding eggs 3 years later. Anyway, he has two late-teens to frustrate and delight with his torturing skills this year. If there is a Hunt, I will present them with any of my kills, as a cat presents her mistress with the still-twitching small bird of the backyard.

Happy Easter or Passover or non-religious enjoyment of a Stat Holiday, everyone!

Mar 5: I'm still here

Fwiends! The frozen core of my listless heart is at last beginning to thaw. Every day there are drips of sunshine and optimism gathering in a slushy aura that continues to grow. The tide is rising! Soon I'll be overflowing with... happiness? Okay, this metaphor is getting out of hand. I don't want to overstate it, but it's nice to feel something other than... nothing.

I've been faithful to the Microwave Diet for a month now, have lost 8.6 pounds (love the digital accuracy - even if you have a shitty week, you can say you lost .2 pounds), and last week when they took my measurements I was ASTOUNDED to hear I'd dropped almost 12 inches. This from chest (2 inches), waist (4 inches - cha!), pooch aka abdomen (3 inches) and hips (3 inches). Of course my first and lingering reaction is to assume she made errors in every measurement, but even if she was off by an inch at every spot, that's still pretty effin good. So this is encouraging.

Also, sunshine. Warmth. The Olympics. And, I think possibly upping the medication by 50% may be playing a role. But it's so hard to know for sure. There are environmental factors at play, as well as physiological ones, so who knows. It's just good to feel... better, if not great. It's supposed to be 10°C (50° American) and sunny this weekend. Sa-weeeeeet.

Some ladies from work are starting a running group after work on Tuesdays and Thursdays, to train for the Sporting Life 10k, which I'm going to do again this year. Sunday May 2nd - mark your calendars.

And, though I continue to have mixed feelings about my reliance on portioned meals, I do very well on the Jenny Craig program. It's easy to stick to, and there are tasty foods and snacks. I confess I spend much of the time between meals thinking about my next meal, but that's standard procedure. At least I know I'm enjoying the meal, not bitter about what I don't get to eat while I'm stuck eating boiled chicken and mmmmm, broccoli! Tonight I eat my petite Fish and Chips (ketchup food, yessss!) avec salad, plus my eensy chocolate cake with dollop of sugary chocolate icing on top for dessert. I can live with it.

About the only thing that's still pretty meh-inducing is my job, which fails to inspire, frequently enrages, but mostly just bores. My contract comes to an end on July 31, and then I'm taking a bit of a vacation from the working world and office culture. So that's the chocolate bar in front of the horse at the moment. Screw carrots.

How's everybody else doing?

Dec 17: Vintage!

Heya folks!

Quick update: lost only half a pound this week. Which bugs me, but this time around I am already prepared to accept the fact that my body really, sincerely, genuinely loves fat and is very reluctant to let it go. I am practicing compassion for my hips, thighs, boobs, arms... change is never easy.

Now on to business: I have a very special treat for you today! Tremendous thanks to SuperBarb for sending me the link!

For you career dieters out there, I know you've done the Dub Dub before. Can you remember what the program looked like when you first signed up? My first time was back in 1984. I wish I still had the materials. I can visualize them still. Instead of the POINTS system, the program referred to food "exchanges". You were allowed a certain number of exchanges per day from each food category: fruits (I think veggies were probably still "free" back then?), meats, dairy, starches and fats. So it was a little bit stricter and probably slightly more nutritious because the program was based on recommended daily allowances for each food group. With the POINTS system, you can eat chocolate or a Big Mac or whatever, so long as you track the number of points in it. It's basically a fancy way of counting calories.

Well anyway. I am curious to hear your thoughts on previous iterations of the Weight Watchers program. But that's an aside. The reason I got to thinking about such things is because Barb sent me a link to this HI-larious website featuring scans of Dub Dub recipe cards from 1974! Outrageous gross and fantastic, all at once!

The site is the work of Wendy McClure, a Chicago area writer who discovered these cards in her parents' basement. You have to read her comments alongside each of the recipe cards. Holy shit they're hysterical! She even wrote a book about them! Holiday gift ideas, anyone?

Thanks again to Barb. Fan-friggin-TAStic find!

Dec 10: The Count LOVES to count POINTS!

Greetings blogren,

Business first: lost 5 pounds after my first week of clean living on the DubDub Online plan. Sweet.

Okay, so, I'm sure lots of you are familiar with the Weight Watchers POINTS® system. For those of you who aren't, a quick description:

Instead of counting calories, or "exchanges" as in days of yore, you count points. The number of points you're allowed to eat per day depends on your weight. I am permitted 21 points per day. Points are calculated based on calories, fat content and fibre content. Generally speaking, a point is about 50 calories. But foods that are packed with lots of fibre and are low in fat can have more calories in them.

Okay, so, you're reading that, doing rough calculations in your head and thinking to yourself, 50 calories x 21 points = 1050...? Is Weight Watchers trying to starve you?! No, see this is the fun part. In addition to your daily allotment of points, you get 35 flex points to use throughout the week, however you want to spread them out. So if you're going to a big party, you can blow a wad and eat cake or whatever. Or you can just add an extra 5 points per day to your regular allotment. It's up to you. I love that, because psychologically, it lets me feel free to binge on occasion. I'm sure that there are some who think this is probably a flaw, in terms of encouraging or enabling that behaviour. Personally I feel that allowing myself the occasional opportunity to go a little crazy is the only thing that's going to keep me on what I would otherwise think of as Austerity Measures.

But that's not all! In addition to the 35 flex points, you can earn more points through the week through activity and exercise. I'm not exactly sure, but my feeling is that you earn 1 activity point for every 100 calories burned, more or less. There's a little calculator that looks at duration and intensity.

I am a person who loves to count. I'm not in it for this healthy lifestyle crap. Please. Pounds! Inches! Calories! Or, in the gym, reps! Minutes! Weights! Calories burned! So, with the online DubDub program, you get this cute little tracker that allows you to plug in all your points consumed, earned, saved, etc. Oh it's a counting bonanza all day long! I must say, I have been far more diligent about walking to work since starting up with the DubDub last week. It's about a 20-25 minute walk each way, so if I walk to and from work, I save money on subway fare and I earn TWO! TWO Activity Points, ah, ha ha haaaaaaa!

Good times.

Dec 4: RE-WEIGHTED

Uuuuugggghhh.

Well, I'm back. Including the 15 pounds I'd lost earlier in the year. Plus some new pounds to keep the others company. (What a party those guys are having! The fun never stops.) September and October were really bad months for me. November improved slightly with the arrival of my Miaouw, but times were still kinda dark. I don't know what triggered it, but I was in a very long-lasting depressive cycle and I gave in to it fully. And of course, the more I gave in to it -> the fatter I got -> the more I wanted to hide -> the more depressed I got... you get the idea.

So yeah. My weight is 169. Just 2 pounds shy of my all time high. I shake my head at myself as I write this. I couldn't face the scale while I was in the midst of the depression. A couple of times I made half-hearted attempts to pull myself out and get back on the wagon of good eating and regular exercise. But I avoided the scale, and my blog. All I have been good for is dutifully going to work and then going home to the cocoon of fattitude. Almost all of my clothes no longer fit. I've been wearing a sports bra for the last month because it's the only one that fits, and because my boobs have become gigantic flabsacks. Ugh, it's disgusting.

However! I am approaching the light at the end of this long, dark, autumnal tunnel. I did face the scale. It sucked, but it's over now and I survived. My shame is no longer a deep, unnamed fear. It is concrete and actually not so very shameful - here I am sharing it with all of you, after all.

I joined Weight Watchers online on Tuesday. For the past month or two I have been trying to figure out what I can do to kickstart me out of this depressive cycle. I thought about joining Overeaters Anonymous, which would be a new thing for me. Also free. But I got hung up on the notion of a 12 step program with quasi-religious undertones. I almost gave in and re-upped with Jenny Craig, but that felt like a step backwards. I do need something to be accountable to. With DubDub Online, I am still only accountable to myself, but there's a structure that involves checking in every day, tracking my food intake and my exercise. Mind, I've tried it before and ultimately abandoned it. But I felt like I had to do something and this seemed the least intrusive. Or something.

This weekend I'm going clothes shopping. I need to feel like less of a schlep. I'm going to be this weight, or in this general area, for awhile, and I won't be motivated to get out of it if every time I look at myself in the mirror I hate what looks back.

So, welcome back. I know many of you reading this can relate. I invite you all to forgive yourselves and hop back on the party wagon with me!

Sep 8: Exercise: what is it good for?

(Absolutely nothing?!)

I've been meaning to write this blog for about a month. Sorry I'm late. Last month, two friends forwarded the same article to me in one day: an opinion piece that ran in Time magazine entitled Why Exercise Won't Make You Thin. One friend (beloved Rusty_grrl) had spotted the article on Bob Harper's Facebook page (he's the crying personal trainer on Biggest Loser). Bob was not pleased:



The article is an interesting read. I can understand why Bob got a little fist-shakey at it; it isn't that the author is saying exercise is useless, but the headline would suggest otherwise. Casual readers who might not read all four pages and/or just skim for details might come away feeling justified for hanging up the sneakers and becoming reacquainted with the custom-made ass groove on their couch.

Compensation without representation (on the scale)
What the article does say is that exercise can give people who are counting their calories and trying to lose weight a false sense of security in terms of ingesting a few extra calories on days they work out. The author refers to it as "the compensation factor". He cites results from a study that showed women who exercised intensely over a six month period did not lose significantly more than a control group who did not exercise (some even gained!):

Whether because exercise made them hungry or because they wanted to reward themselves (or both), most of the women who exercised ate more than they did before they started the experiment. Or they compensated in another way, by moving around a lot less than usual after they got home.

So, any of you relate to this phenomenon? I know I do! For sure there are plenty of times when I allow myself a little something extra, perhaps as a reward for my good behaviour, or maybe because I'm just plain hungry after a workout.

Honey, can you pick up some more self control on your way home?
The other notion that the author puts forward is that self control or will power is finite in people. You only have so much of it to use:

In 2000 the journal Psychological Bulletin published a paper by psychologists Mark Muraven and Roy Baumeister in which they observed that self-control is like a muscle: it weakens each day after you use it. If you force yourself to jog for an hour, your self-regulatory capacity is proportionately enfeebled. Rather than lunching on a salad, you'll be more likely to opt for pizza.

Seriously? Holy geez, all this time I've been hating myself when I should have been hating science! Fucking science! You screwed me over! Well your secret is out now. Nice to have something else to blame for those times when it's gotta be cake.

Let cooler foreheads prevail
The article does go on to say that, of course, there are many benefits to exercise. ("In addition to enhancing heart health and helping prevent disease, exercise improves your mental health and cognitive ability." - I guess Bob didn't make it to page 3.) But the argument for "sweaty, exhausting, hunger-producing bursts of activity" is not as strong as Bob and Jillian would have you believe (if you choose instead to believe this very comforting article, that is). The author believes low-intensity movement, such as a walk - not even a brisk walk, from the sound of it - is just as effective as doing cardio at the gym.

Hmmmm. I don't know guys. First I have to give up aspartame, now I'm expected to give up my sweaty hairshirt of gym torture? It just don't seem right to me.

What do you all think?


PS Personal exercise update: I took the last 3 or 4 weeks pretty easy, since every time I got more intense, my gimpy left calf muscle yelled at me. Also, I read this article and realized I didn't have to. No, no, I kid! I keed! Anyway, recently I have started running again. It's hard to believe how quickly I got out of shape. I've been running at a super-slow pace, and right now am only doing about 2 miles (2.5 including walking warm-down). My heart rate zooms with the intensity of the effort so I don't consider it safe yet to push myself beyond what I'm doing. I'm just glad to be training again.

I don't think I'm gonna be ready in time for the Toronto Island 10k run - it's less than two weeks away. Frowny faces. Instead, I think I will participate in the Great Canadian Shoreline Cleanup that weekend. Picking up garbage can actually be a decent workout, especially if you don't eat donuts afterward.

Jul 13: Recommitted and it feels so good

It's been roughly six months since I started this blog. I've lost between 10 and 15 pounds, depending when you ask, which is... well, let's face it, not outstanding. On the other hand, I've also run a 10k and I do cardio usually 3-5 times a week, with hour long strength training sessions twice a week, which I can and do consider to be very good, possibly outstanding. I am not really any closer to vanquishing the binge eating habits that have dogged me for most of my adult life, but I am better at accepting my shortcomings and not hating myself for them.

I think it's time for a re-jiggering. Last week the wheels came off the bus a bit. I've been injured (some sort of recurring issue with my left calf - I am going to see a physiotherapist about it, since my benefits package at work covers $500/yr for physio), so I've been slacking a bit on the exercise (haven't run in 2 weeks, though I've done some cardio at the gym). And I've been resentful about not getting to eat anything and everything that strikes my fancy.

So last week I said, okay, have what you fancy. Get it out of your system. Gain a few pounds. And then next week, we begin again, in earnest. Here I am now, raring to go (despite the lingering ache in my left calf; I shall not let it deter me).

My commitment to myself includes the following pledges:

• do the 10 minute abs video every day


• exercise six days a week - aim for 500-600 calories burned in a session


• STOP TAKING THE WHOLE WEEKEND OFF!!!


• start reading labels again and avoid lots of preservatives and junk, especially artificial sweeteners – I think if I stop consuming so much sugar, I will stop craving it so much


• make a video once a week


• sign up for Toronto Island 10k Run, happening Sep 20


• lose 10 pounds before Toronto Island Run


• make out with myself every day, no matter my size

Some of those goals will be tougher than others but I know I am up for it. One of the things that has really been slowing me down is taking the weekends off. I think my compromise from now on will be, on ONE day of the weekend, I can have A meal off. Not the whole day off. We'll see how that goes.

Okay, to kick the whole thing off, a fresh viddie, featuring killer guitar solo! Plus an invitation to any and all to step forward and have yourselves committed! Just sign up in the comments section - we'll keep each other accountable and honest and encouraged and supported.

And if de-elevator tries 2 bring u down...

GO CRAZY!

Jul 3: Methods to the Madness

Like many spoiled westerners (particularly we North Americans) I have been on approximately one bajillion diets since early adolescence. I just thought I'd take a moment and inventory some of the highlights for you:

Weight Watchers: The Classic. I did DubDub for the first time with my mom when I was 14. I remember I weighed in at 142, and I think I lost about 12 pounds before abandoning the program. I've been back many times since then. In 1999 I lost around 25 pounds and briefly possessed the secret password to size 6, but the Skinny Mafia went and changed the locks on me once they caught me stuffing my face whilst nursing a broken heart. (Jerks.)

The Cookie Diet: you know if it sounds too good to be true it usually is. I tried this one back in the early 90s when a girlfriend of mine was trying to make a bit of extra cash by selling these cookies out of her home. I think the active ingredient in them is straw. They add little bits of chalk-olate chips to entice you, but don't be fooled.

Slim Fast: I wonder how many women have a half-empty tin of this shite hidden away somewhere in one of their cupboards? You can say that a liquid meal replacement is filling, but if I don't get to chew and swallow, I'm not gonna feel full and/or satisfied. (I do like the cookie dough meal replacement bars, though. Problem is, I never stop at just one.)

I did NutriSystem with my mom during my final year of university - 1991/92 - and lost 45 pounds. I was 120 and three quarters for about ten minutes. I remember going to Easter dinner at my in-laws' house after I'd reached my goal weight. I ate everything in sight. I ate so much that I poisoned myself. I have never been that sick from eating - I had food coming out of both ends of me that night. (Sorry, you had to read that. It's way better than having to go through it, trust me.) I think going for seven months on this restricted diet may have challenged my body's ability to digest normal food. That's what happens when you don't cheat, yo's.

I tried hypnosis for a few months in the winter of 2002. I liked it because it was geared towards changing my attitude and behaviour around food. I pitched my scale and just decided to focus on eating smaller portions of healthier foods. It worked for a little while but it took a lot of time - I had to go into the centre around 2 or 3 times a week (once a week you have a private session with an actual hypnotherapist, the other times they just put these crazy trippy glasses on you that show some kinda Jefferson Airplane psychedelia, you sit in a deluxe La-Z-Boy and they play a tape by the HypnoGuru, repeating all the rabbit food mantras), plus I had to listen to my hypnosis tape (they taped the weekly personal sessions) every day. It got so I just started falling asleep during the sessions. Another thousand bucks down the drain.

The Master Cleanser a.k.a. "The Lemonade Diet": yes, I really did go without solid food for 10 days straight, back in winter 2003. I still hadn't replaced my scale at that time, so I don't know how much I lost, but my clothes were definitely much looser afterwards. The booklet (pictured) is actually very interesting and apparently this cleanse can be helpful (if you are open to this sort of alternative healing) for a lot more than just weight loss. Basically you consume water mixed with freshly squeezed lemon juice, pure, dark maple syrup and cayenne pepper (for reals) and nothing else. For minimum 10 days. By the end you are fantasizing about gum. It was an interesting experiment but any time I've tried it since, I haven't made it past day 2 or 3.

Jenny Craig: My most recent foray into supporting the diet industry. I've done JC off and on since summer 2003. Up until this past fall, I was on it for 2 or 3 years straight. I actually lost around 30 pounds the last time, and kept it off for a year and a half or so, which is unprecedented for me, only to fall in love and toss the whole moderation thing out the window of a speeding car. Splat... fat. Ah well. I did mention a long time ago that, while I totally get how JC works for a lot of people, ultimately, it was not helping me with the bingeing issue, as it allowed me to forego mindfulness in the kitchen.

Which brings me to my latest (and I'm sure you will all agree) greatest method: blogging. Okay, that's not a weight loss method. The method is actually good old fashioned healthy(ish) eating and regular exercise. But the key has been the accountability and support from all of you. It's really kept me on track, or helped me right myself when I've strayed.

So, anybody out there have any crazy dieting methods they're willing to admit to?

Jun 9: Spite pays off!

So last night I was due for a run. I almost didn't go, but that's pretty typical. Sometimes I think that getting myself downstairs for a run is all about waiting for an opening in mood traffic. There are certain breaks in the steady stream of laziness that periodically present themselves in an evening, and if you don't step on the gas right then and there, you're gonna be stuck on the couch for the rest of the night.

Anyway, I made my way downstairs and figured I'd run for half an hour or so, and do some light weights, and just feel good about the fact I went at all, rather than push myself to do a lengthy run.

Well I got to the fitness room, and there was a guy in there already. He was adjusting the TV so that it faced the treadmill. Nuts. I asked him if he was using the treadmill and he said "No". I'm like, really? Okay. I took him at his word, and went about my business. I started up the treadmill, which is pretty loud, and suggested he might want to turn up the volume. He was watching Ultimate Fighting Champions or something. And he was standing RIGHTNEXT to me. He said no, no, and then he gestured toward a woman in the hallway who was on the phone, which to me seemed to indicate that he was waiting for her, and wouldn't be there long? I don't know. I shrugged and got on with my run.

Minutes passed. And yet more minutes. I was having a decent run - averaging 5.5 mph (I've been trying to gradually get my average running speed up, as much as my heart and lungs can take, anyway). I kept looking out at the woman on the phone and willing her to shut the eff up and get off the phone so this guy standing RIGHTNEXT to me watching UFC while I huffed and puffed and produced a downpour of sweat (should have shook myself out like a dog) would LEAVE ALREADY. I delayed my walking break for as long as I felt okay about it - after 2 miles, most of it run at 5.5 mph, I slowed down for a break. Actually, I pushed myself a lot longer than I have in the past when running that speed, mostly out of some sort of resentment of this guy's presence. I don't know.

Anyway, after around half an hour, the woman hung up and wandered down the hall - didn't look into the fitness room to summon the guy next to me or anything, and he didn't budge. He's standing there, just watching TV, RIGHTEFFINGNEXT to me. FUCK! I started to wonder if maybe he DID want to use the treadmill and was just too polite to say so? Which bugged me! I don't know, maybe I should have felt bad, but instead I was irritated. So I just kept running, to spite the guy. I'm such an asshole. But hey man, that's how I roll.

It turned into an epic battle of wills. I'm sorry to say that eventually, I caved. But I ran for 53 minutes instead of 30, powered by spite. And then I took my time doing my warm down and stretches, and all the while, this guy continued standing next to the treadmill, watching UFC. I'd considered sticking around to do some weights, just to see if he would eventually climb on the treadmill, or would be too embarrassed to do so after pretending he didn't want to use it, but I decided I was crazy and at some point, there had to be a victor. So I let him win. Sort of. I mean, what the hell?

Meh. Whatever works, baby!

Jun 8: Progress report(s)

Okay, vacation weight has been banished to... um... hey, where does the fat go when we get rid of it? Is there another Lindsay in a parallel universe who just keeps getting fatter? Would that also mean there is a super-skinny Lindsay universe too, who sacrifices fat every time I gain weight? I guess that would mean I'm the Jerry Seinfeld Lindsay: even Steven.

Anyway! So yeah, at last check, my weight is at 150 which means I can say that I have lost 15 pounds in total since January. I am trying hard not to refer to this number sheepishly, because I feel like it should be a lot higher. And it would be, if I didn't keep veering off course with my eating habits. But you know, I'm still here, right? I'm still working out regularly. And I am still a person who struggles with binge eating disorder, so, hellz, 15 pounds is a-okay. I decided last week that I'd like to be 10 pounds less than I was on May 3 (the date I ran the Sporting Life 10k), when I run the Toronto Island 10k in the fall. So I have 8 pounds to go, which at my current rate is an achievable goal.

I need to make another video, I know. I haven't bothered with measurments for awhile because they haven't changed. But I can still make a video, just for shits 'n' gigs and to liven things up around here.

So, how are y'all doing? Making progress? In a holding pattern? Gaining? Feeling okay? Feeling frustrated? Avoiding feeling? Share, if you can or want. I think it helps everyone to know they're not alone, or to be inspired by those who are in a good place.

Jun 1: So much for that idea

Uuuuhhh, hi.

So, yeah. Guess I'll be busting my hump 3 times a week with Derek for the next month. Heh.

I did try ... sort of... Okay, on Saturday morning in Vancouver, I got up early(ish), got into my workout clothes, went downstairs to the front desk at the crap-ass hotel (a near-constant comedy of errors) and asked where the fitness room was. No such thing, I was told. I could have sworn I saw pictures of it on the internet when I was booking the hotel.

So, I walked outside the hotel, looked around at the busy road and unknown area... aaaannnd... went upstairs and back to bed.

This sort of set the tone for the week to come. Ate my face off, sat around a lot, etc. Although, while in Vancouver with our friends, we did get out and about a lot. On Saturday we walked for the better part of 5 hours (at a leisurely snail-on-vacation's pace, so I didn't count it towards Derek's challenge). On Sunday, we went for a hike at Lynn Canyon that did feature a brief burst of aerobic activity when we climbed out of the canyon. But it was brief enough that I wouldn't feel right counting that day either.

On Wednesday, while visiting Dylan in Washington state, I got up at 6:45 and went to yoga with her. I even sweated! It was a 45 minute class and afterward we walked the dog for 20 minutes, so I'm gonna count that one. Thanks, Dylan!

After that, we were in the car for 12 hour days, and then crashing at the hotels we checked into, usually around 11:00 p.m. or so. We never even got up in time for the free breakfasts, let alone for me to get out and get some exercise in.

Also, I pretty much just said eff you cee kay it to the eating right business. Well, we did buy a veggie tray, some bananas and apples on Wednesday that I nibbled on in the car. And I got a disgusting salad one night for dinner at Crapplebee's. The next night we opted for KFC. Shudder. Sorry everybody. Je suis epic fail.

Yesterday I planned to run for an hour. I even told the Miaouw that I was getting ready to go for a run, at around 2. Instead I went for a nap. Did not get out of my PJs all day. This is embarrassing. Why do I tell you guys this stuff?

Anyway, back on track today. Dreading the weigh in on Wednesday, but it will be good to get honest and know where I stand.

How did y'all do last week? Lane? I hope you did better than me!

May 20: The high cost of gaining weight

Hey fwiendz...

I continue to struggle, but I valiantly fight on. I don't want to talk about my weight. I did muster the courage to get on the scale this morning. Bah. Well, I am working out with Derek tonight and tomorrow night, so I'm gonna check again on Friday. This will allow me a short period of time to bask in my hoped-for success before hopping on a plane to Vancouver on Friday night, where I will meet up with my very special Miaouw for a week of cavorting and eating crap in restaurants and sitting for long days in a car and thinking about maybe going for a run but opting for lying on the hotel bed instead. Okay, okay, I know, positive thinking!

Anyway. I wanted to talk a bit about how much it costs to be a binge eater. When I went for a brief six week treatment class after being diagnosed with binge eating disorder several years ago, one of the things they wanted us to do was to track our binges. I was surprised that one of the columns in the handout they gave us was to list the cost of the food consumed. Hunh. I really hadn't ever thought about it before, but for sure, writing it all down, I definitely started to see how costly it can be.

The thing is, when I give in to the dark call of the binge, I am acting on a compulsion. Logic, reason, thoughtfulness and planning go out the window. I don't think about the cost of any of it, I just want to get the stuff, get home and consume it. The less I have to think about it, the better. As you regular readers know, one of my favourite binge items is chocolates. Not just "chocolate". But like, a box of chocolates. (The variety pleases me.) So, I have become very knowledgeable about the various brands of chocolates out there (in the Canadian market anyway) and I do have my favourites. I like the Laura Secord miniatures, in part because they're all delicious (no coconut crap or disgusting oozy cherry shit in there), and also because the box is "only" 150 g (about 5.3 oz), so I don't feel as guilty eating the whole thing. Lately I have been indulging in the Hershey Pot of Gold milk chocolates, which used to be 454 g (GAH! 1 pound) but are now packaged as 283 g (a caloric bargain at only 10 oz).

(In case you wonder about eating an entire box of chocolates in one sitting, or perhaps two, if it's a one pound box, this is the nature of binge eating. I eat to satisfy the craving, and then when I start to feel sick, I continue eating to a) punish myself for being such a disgusting pig; and b) get rid of the stuff so I can start fresh the next day.)

Well anyway. The Laura Secord miniatures are $10 a box. Which I don't even register when I am wanting to binge. The cost means nothing to me. If I have several days in a row of "bad eating", I will look back at my credit card statement and see charges for $20-$40 for each day. At least.

I used to think that eating healthy food was pricey, especially in terms of the cost of fresh produce. And I know that there are all kinds of studies that say people from lower socio-economic means in our culture are trending towards obesity, in part because fast food is so much cheaper than healthy food. But for me, I spend way less money on food when I am eating right.

Food for thought. Heh.

May 6: video highlights from Sporting Life 10k run

Hi guys!

Okay, I finally finished the damn video. I mean, the blessed video. One thing I didn't really explain in the video is the lack of footage of me finishing. (I kind of explained it already in my last blog when I mentioned the Miaouw's epic battle with the TTC...)

Anyway, yeah, my cameraman was unable to get to the finish line in time, what with my lightening fast speed combined with the epic fail of Toronto's public transit system on Sunday mornings. I felt so bad about that; after he'd made certain he could be here for the race and everything. Well, his presence here all week was wonderful and we had a blast and I was so grateful to have him here. He is making noises about joining me for the Toronto Island 10k run in September. Cool!

Anyway, blah, blah, blah, here's the viddie!

May 4: I am the champion!

Hey guys, sorry I didn't post an update yesterday. I was hoping to have the video done, but there's a lot of editing needed because I'm adding subtitles to half the footage because it was so loud and the sound on the Miaouw's camera is not the greatest.

Anyway, I will post a blog with the video later. Possibly tonight.

So, the big event! I made it! I finished in a time that was faster than my best-hoped-for time. Unbelievable. Awhile back during training, I ran 5 miles in 59:48, which I thought was really great, because I was able to average 5 miles an hour, even with walking breaks. So with that time in mind (and the run being 1.2 miles short of a 10k), I calculated that if I could maintain that speed on race day, I could finish in 75 minutes.

Then I went to California and tried running outside in the gently rolling hills of Orinda. I'd been training all winter on a treadmill, and I hadn't even done any hill training on the machines at the gym because I was focussing on achieving distance. I have some kind of weird block about running outside, so I kept putting off doing any training outdoors. The California runs were a disaster; I gave up after 2k on the first day, and 1.5 k on the next. It was very disheartening. So I revised my estimated race day time. I thought, 75 minutes would be OUTSTANDING, 80 minutes would be really good, but most likely I would wind up somewhere between 80-85 minutes if my running in Orinda was any indication of how I ran outdoors.

So, guess what my time was. GUESS! Okay I'll tell you. I finished in 1:09:07. Yes, that's 69 minutes – faster than I ever imagined I would or could go at this point in my running ability. I know it's still pretty slow for a lot of people, but I was absolutely thrilled with the time. I felt pretty strong out there; I even ran up the few hills the course presented with relative ease. It was just freakin awesome.

A huge, massive shout out to my girl Christy, for getting up on a Sunday morning and dragging herself down to Yonge & Elm and giving me the best high five of my life and screaming and cheering for me as I passed. I wish I could have stopped to hug her. Next time we see each other, I'm gonna hug the stuffin outta you!!!

And of course, huge shout out as well to my Miaouw, for waking me up (almost missed the whole damn thing because I forgot to turn the volume up on my clock radio), going up to the starting line with me, and then struggling valiantly for the next hour and a half to make it to the finish line, though the TTC fought him at every turn. (The Yonge subway does not start operating on Sundays until 9 a.m., and of course the Yonge bus was being diverted -- all the way over to freakin Avenue Rd -- because Yonge St was closed for the race.) So, he didn't get to see me cross the finish line, but then again, all my fretting while I waited and waited and waited to be herded out with all the other runners to the exit was for naught, since he wasn't even there yet anyway. Seriously, it's totally ridiculous how they have the end of the race set up. You cross the finish line, totally psyched, and then there's this massive line up ahead of you of thousands of runners, walking at a snail's pace, if that, waiting to get our medals and then pass through the eye of the needle to the "post race party" (as if). It was totally insane. There wasn't even a water stand until I'd been waiting in line for 15 minutes. And by the time I was finally out of there, my legs were cramping from lack of stretching.

Well, whatever, who cares. We found each other, wandered around Harbourfront for the next hour and a bit, and had a victor's brunch at the Richtree Market in the BCE place. Then we went home and I napped for 3 hours.

THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU to all of you who've encouraged me to do this. And most especially to those who pledged my fundraising efforts for Camp Oochigeas. I didn't promote it at all, just through this blog, and even so managed to raise $300 for kids with cancer to go to camp and have a great summer. Everybody wins (but I am the champion, my friends)!

More later...

Apr 26: weekly results viddie, featuring LOLA!

Hello faithful handful!

I had a lazy day with the Miaouw today. Had planned to do a run tonight but... didn't. Oh well. I made a new video for you anyway.

My thoughts are consumed with the Sporting Life 10k run next weekend. I'm nervous that I'm gonna suck out loud. I mean, I know, I know, it doesn't matter what my time is, at least I'm doing it, blah blah justificationcakes. I know that whatever happens this year will just be a starting point to measure my progress against in years to come. I think it's a good idea to think of it that way, as a multi-year plan, looking forward to sustaining an active lifestyle instead of just adopting it for a short period of time in an effort to lose weight.

I don't know if I'll ever get used to running outside (I always feel like I'm hurrying somewhere, like I'm late and panicky, instead of just settling into a rhythm, like I do on the treadmill), but I'll commit to doing at least this one run every year, and trying to improve my time. I may never try to run for a longer distance, who knows, but I will definitely continue to run after next weekend. I like the challenge, and I like pushing myself to better my numbers every week. For awhile I was running at 5 mph (which, who are we kidding, has technically got to be classified as a jog). Lately I push it up to 5.5 mph and see how long I can sustain that speed. Then when I run at "just" 5 mph, I feel like I can go for a lot longer before I need to rest.

I've decided that a time of 80 minutes next Sunday would be outstanding, but I would be happy with 85. If I come in past 90, I will have suffered out there. I did run 5 miles (8 km) in one hour on the treadmill, a week and a half ago. I don't know if I can do that kind of time running outside. We shall see. Fun! Well, thinking about it now is fun, and reflecting on it when it's over will be. I don't expect the run itself will be too, too fun. I think it will be something to endure and to feel powerful and accomplished about as soon as it's over.

Mar 31: Attitude is everything

Hey gang,

Whaddya know, another video! I was feeling so good last night I decided to counter the sad little greenface viddie with something a little more upbeat.

I've been really trying hard not to let the lack of obvious markers of my progress bother me or derail me in my efforts. Some days have been better than others. And of course, when there are added life stresses like a cornholio boss at work, the challenge is even greater.

But yesterday at lunch I was watching some YouTube videos. I have been meaning to talk a little bit about the weight loss community on YouTube. I'm not too integrated - there just are not enough hours in the day to keep up with work, fitness, my current online community, and apathy (the biggest timesuck of them all), so joining another community would stretch me a bit thin. (Except... that pun is hardly apt.) Anyway. I do subscribe to a few YouTubers, and one of them is this crazy guy Greggers. He does fun stuff with his video software - I'd like to learn how to do some of the crazy stuff he does. He has an unfailing positive attitude, and I think I just felt inspired by that yesterday. Something just clicked for me, and I pulled out of the funk and got back to funky. Had an awesome run and am looking forward to more gym time tonight.

If you want to check out any of Greggers' videos, here's the link to his YouTube channel: http://www.youtube.com/user/thesiegster

And now, a positive video, brought to you by the always upbeat Craig Finn and his band, The Hold Steady:

Mar 29: New video and checking in

Hi kiddies,

I've been slowing down in my blogging here, and have definitely been a bit... erm, slovenly in responding to your kind comments. I will do better. I think a big part of it is my struggle to get through this plateau or whatever it is. I'm trying not to get downcast about how slowly my body is reacting to all the exercise and such. It is really great news about dropping 4% in body fat. In fact the difference in poundage was only 3 pounds weight loss (which... grrrr!!!) and yet I am obviously a much leaner... or perhaps, less fatter...er... person. To drop 4% of body fat with just 3 pounds lost means I must be acquiring muscle mass. So, I gotta focus on that and just stay the course.

I weighed myself again this morning: 153, or maybe 153.5. Last week I was 154, and then 154.5, so I guess this is good news. Except that, it tells me that the weight gain last week wasn't just water or a blip of some kind, because I'm now just back to where I was two weeks ago. Oh well, whatever. It's not a race.

Anyway, I did a video on Friday night, expressing my frustration. I did it in greenface. No offense intended to the green community.

Thanks for continuing to cheer me on!