I continue to struggle, but I valiantly fight on. I don't want to talk about my weight. I did muster the courage to get on the scale this morning. Bah. Well, I am working out with Derek tonight and tomorrow night, so I'm gonna check again on Friday. This will allow me a short period of time to bask in my hoped-for success before hopping on a plane to Vancouver on Friday night, where I will meet up with my very special Miaouw for a week of cavorting and eating crap in restaurants and sitting for long days in a car and thinking about maybe going for a run but opting for lying on the hotel bed instead. Okay, okay, I know, positive thinking!
Anyway. I wanted to talk a bit about how much it costs to be a binge eater. When I went for a brief six week treatment class after being diagnosed with binge eating disorder several years ago, one of the things they wanted us to do was to track our binges. I was surprised that one of the columns in the handout they gave us was to list the cost of the food consumed. Hunh. I really hadn't ever thought about it before, but for sure, writing it all down, I definitely started to see how costly it can be.
The thing is, when I give in to the dark call of the binge, I am acting on a compulsion. Logic, reason, thoughtfulness and planning go out the window. I don't think about the cost of any of it, I just want to get the stuff, get home and consume it. The less I have to think about it, the better. As you regular readers know, one of my favourite binge items is chocolates. Not just "chocolate". But like, a box of chocolates. (The variety pleases me.) So, I have become very knowledgeable about the various brands of chocolates out there (in the Canadian market anyway) and I do have my favourites. I like the Laura Secord miniatures, in part because they're all delicious (no coconut crap or disgusting oozy cherry shit in there), and also because the box is "only" 150 g (about 5.3 oz), so I don't feel as guilty eating the whole thing. Lately I have been indulging in the Hershey Pot of Gold milk chocolates, which used to be 454 g (GAH! 1 pound) but are now packaged as 283 g (a caloric bargain at only 10 oz).
(In case you wonder about eating an entire box of chocolates in one sitting, or perhaps two, if it's a one pound box, this is the nature of binge eating. I eat to satisfy the craving, and then when I start to feel sick, I continue eating to a) punish myself for being such a disgusting pig; and b) get rid of the stuff so I can start fresh the next day.)
Well anyway. The Laura Secord miniatures are $10 a box. Which I don't even register when I am wanting to binge. The cost means nothing to me. If I have several days in a row of "bad eating", I will look back at my credit card statement and see charges for $20-$40 for each day. At least.
I used to think that eating healthy food was pricey, especially in terms of the cost of fresh produce. And I know that there are all kinds of studies that say people from lower socio-economic means in our culture are trending towards obesity, in part because fast food is so much cheaper than healthy food. But for me, I spend way less money on food when I am eating right.
Food for thought. Heh.
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Linnyqat, I was wondering how you were doing. By continuing to update us you are, as someone said in the previous post, keeping yourself accountable. I think you are remarkably brave for doing everything you are doing and essentially for doing so "in public." Hugs to you, my friend, and happy paws to the Miaouww and of course to Lola. xoxo
ReplyDeleteI have been trying to eat myself off the face of the planet for the last couple of weeks. Seems to be the stress of the offspring. Oh the irony. She is trying to starve herself off the face of the planet so I overeat about it.
ReplyDeleteI've been thinking about the cost lately, as I need every extra penny to pay for medical costs but the logic escapes me and I go to the store for a box of cookies to quiet my tired heart.
Ah, Diane, thank you so much for saying that. It's true, it's really so hard to come clean when I mess up, but it's been so good for me at the same time. I hope it helps other people who may read and see themselves in what I'm saying too. We are not abnormal freaks! Our consumption-obsessed culture sets us up to fail over and over again. It's good to stick together. Thanks for helping. xoxo
ReplyDeleteTaar, oh, the irony indeed. There are times in my life when I just let myself do that stuff. I find if I don't rag on myself for making the choice to eat through the pain, I'm able to get out of that head space much quicker. A therapist-friend used to say to me that there are no wrong choices; it's just about taking responsibility for the outcome of the choices we make. So, you eat now, you get back on the horse later. It's not forever.
Anyway, I hope the offspring stuff gets better, my friend. She's lucky to have you (as are all of us).