Well, I'm back. Including the 15 pounds I'd lost earlier in the year. Plus some new pounds to keep the others company. (What a party those guys are having! The fun never stops.) September and October were really bad months for me. November improved slightly with the arrival of my Miaouw, but times were still kinda dark. I don't know what triggered it, but I was in a very long-lasting depressive cycle and I gave in to it fully. And of course, the more I gave in to it -> the fatter I got -> the more I wanted to hide -> the more depressed I got... you get the idea.
So yeah. My weight is 169. Just 2 pounds shy of my all time high. I shake my head at myself as I write this. I couldn't face the scale while I was in the midst of the depression. A couple of times I made half-hearted attempts to pull myself out and get back on the wagon of good eating and regular exercise. But I avoided the scale, and my blog. All I have been good for is dutifully going to work and then going home to the cocoon of fattitude. Almost all of my clothes no longer fit. I've been wearing a sports bra for the last month because it's the only one that fits, and because my boobs have become gigantic flabsacks. Ugh, it's disgusting.
However! I am approaching the light at the end of this long, dark, autumnal tunnel. I did face the scale. It sucked, but it's over now and I survived. My shame is no longer a deep, unnamed fear. It is concrete and actually not so very shameful - here I am sharing it with all of you, after all.
I joined Weight Watchers online on Tuesday. For the past month or two I have been trying to figure out what I can do to kickstart me out of this depressive cycle. I thought about joining Overeaters Anonymous, which would be a new thing for me. Also free. But I got hung up on the notion of a 12 step program with quasi-religious undertones. I almost gave in and re-upped with Jenny Craig, but that felt like a step backwards. I do need something to be accountable to. With DubDub Online, I am still only accountable to myself, but there's a structure that involves checking in every day, tracking my food intake and my exercise. Mind, I've tried it before and ultimately abandoned it. But I felt like I had to do something and this seemed the least intrusive. Or something.
This weekend I'm going clothes shopping. I need to feel like less of a schlep. I'm going to be this weight, or in this general area, for awhile, and I won't be motivated to get out of it if every time I look at myself in the mirror I hate what looks back.
So, welcome back. I know many of you reading this can relate. I invite you all to forgive yourselves and hop back on the party wagon with me!
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I would suggest taking in one meeting of OEA. The stories people relate can be very helpful and supportive. It is important that it is a group focusing on solutions and not just their problems. It really helps to put things in perspective.
ReplyDeleteOne of their mottos is take what you like and leave the rest in the room. So leave the quasi religious undertones at the door when you leave. I guarentee you will come away with something.
Janice
Hi Janice, thanks for commenting. This is excellent advice. I know when I mentioned the idea to the Miaouw a month ago, he was really supportive. I went so far as to look up meetings in my area, and there are plenty. I will continue to mull it over. I think for sure part of the resistance is rooted in a fear of change, of doing the deep, reflective work that is necessary to get past this issue.
ReplyDeleteSo, one meeting. That is do-able, to be sure! I'm not sure when I will go, but I will go, and I will be sure to blog about it here. Thanks for the suggestion and the support.
So glad you are back! I don't know how much I weigh now, but like you have started to buy clothing that I wish didn't fit me. I am far too scared to step on the scale until I "feel" like it might be more manageable. Could be a while with Christmas coming up. Effing Christmas.
ReplyDeleteHardly any calories in Vodka and DC!!! Maybe we can meet up for a pint (haha, yeah, a PINT of vodka) in the next coupla weeks. Or we can meet in the New Year and compare our stories of misery and turkey stuffing. At least I'll have a tan - heading to Cuba on the 27th for a week, where the food is so horrendous that the only calories I get are in fact alcohol, which is fine by me.
Welcome back!
Electric Barbarella
xoxo
Barbarino! I can always count on you. I know well of what you speak. I didn't get on the scale for a few months because of the same feeling of wanting to whittle it down a bit first to a more "manageable" number. Of course the end result (for me) was that if I slipped up a little bit on one day, it turned into a total "Fuck It!!!" the next, and I just felt more and more hopeless.
ReplyDeleteBut for me I can never force this stuff. I do it when I'm ready, and I know from experience that at some point I will be ready.
Last night I went out to $4 drinks night at Fionn MacCool's (god, the dumbest name ever for a pub) and got pleasantly shitfaced on 3 glasses of Chardonnay and only 10 points' worth of food in my gullet. This morning I surveyed the damage with the WW Points Tracker and whaddya know, only 5 points for the 3 glasses! Word!
I would dearly love to get together with you, and soon. Sorry I didn't make it out that other time. To be brutally honest, I have been too ashamed to socialize of late. I am getting past that now. Time for some squishy hugs. That's the one nice thing about being fat. Hugs feel so much better, don't you think?
I just read your new post while eating a huge piece of pizza. So, like, I'm there...for...you? More like, I hear you.
ReplyDeleteAlso, I love you! xo Treenstar
You inspired me to get on the scale...UGH!!! I'm higher than I was when I moved here.
ReplyDeleteI haven't felt hunger for days, and yet it's insatiable. blech. One day at a time, One pound at a time.
Lindsay, I am so proud of you and so glad you are back here with your blog.
ReplyDeleteSerendipity strikes, maybe. Just in the last week, out of nowhere I have been reinspired and am certain that I am going to lose a lot of weight (healthfully we hope) in the next 3 months. I also got a better scale, and now know that the old one was off by 7 pounds (that is, it weighed me as 7 pounds less than I actually did weigh). So now I know the truth. To be at a happy weight for my size, I need to lose 18 pounds. If I can lose 10 of them, I may be satisfied.
You are an ongoing inspiration, Lindsay, and I applaud your own renewed commitment. The whole cycle of depression/eating too much/gaining weight/worse depression, etc. is all too familiar to me as well, particularly this fall. Bravo to you for starting to find a way out of it.
(And maybe I'll go register for WW online too, I need some structure, I think....)
Great to have you back at D-Weighted! I have missed you! (And missed you in person, too, still very sorry I didn't get to meet up with you while you were in NYC.)
hugs -
Diane
I had salad for dinner. Take that!
ReplyDeleteTreenstar, star of all Treens! How much do I love the pizza slice accessory confession? The answer is: A LOT. Not as much as I love YOU. Thanks lover. xo
ReplyDeleteTaarnaaaaaagh, oh, solidarity. I am higher than when I started this blog almost a year ago. So we're in the same place - that's good, right? I'm so glad I checked in with everyone here on the blog. And I think it's a good thing for a lot of you guys too...? We can face it together.
PS I will see your salad and raise you a 90 minute workout with Master Pain! xo
Diane, I am so glad I came back too! Thanks so much for your encouragement. I love the serendipity you describe. I hope we can inspire and encourage each other. Re: the demon scale... ugh. It sucks to face the truth, but then once the suckage has passed, it's actually a relief, don't you think, knowing what you are facing so you can forge a plan. Time to take our heads out of our butts... er, I mean, the sand. Our sandy butts? Well anyway, you know. Thanks for walking next to me in this. xo!
hugs and encouragement!
ReplyDeletexoxo
Thanks Trish. Much appreciated!
ReplyDeleteIt all started with yoga for me. Then I set out to run a mile. Then a 10Km race and so on. Exercise is key.
ReplyDeleteBuild up slowly. Connect that beautiful mind to the body and it cannot fail to shine.
Thanks Katie. My gym offers yoga classes as part of their group exericse offerings. I keep meaning to go. I totally agree with you about exercise. Cheers!
ReplyDelete