Well, the Puma Diet is no more. I was feeling a little weird about eating all that meat, and since the whole ketosis thing just kinda ignored me and my efforts, it seemed pointless, expensive, and nutritionally dubious to continue. So a couple weeks ago I switched back to a low fat / low carb eating plan. And then slid into high fat / high carb. From there it was an easy transition to fat and depressed again. Ugh.
It's tough, blogging about all of this. It's like inviting everyone to watch you run into a wall over and over again. You start off full of high spirits and good intentions and confidence, and groove to the momentum (that stuff's always fun to write about). Then you start to lose energy, get waylaid, take a vacation, get injured, whatever, and whammo, right into the wall. Failure, disappointment, feelings of powerlessness. I do my best to dust myself off and rev up for another go. And after awhile it just starts to feel like dang, am I ever gonna get past this? And doesn't everybody get tired of reading the same old story? How many times did Charles Schulz recycle Lucy pulling the football out from under Charlie Brown before it got old? (Some might say, never, it's still hilarious. To which I would respond: I'M NOT HILARIOUS, I'M PATHETIC!!!)
Well anyway. I moped around most of last week, eating shit I didn't really want, but eating it anyway, in case I actually did want it since food has always been my frenemy. I kept my appointments with Derek, which helped. Last night I had a revelation that I needed to clean my apartment. I am living in a depression-induced sty. I made lists for every room of my wee humble abode, of stuff I need to do to get some order in my life. In between I did laundry and went out for some healthy groceries. I felt really empowered and it actually gave me energy.It's very weird, and it all seems so arbitrary: I sit on the green couch for hours and days and weeks, thinking about how I need to get the vaccuum cleaner fixed because, ew, gross, or looking over at the crammed to the brink book shelf and think about how it's only two feet away, why don't I amble over and start organizing it a bit? And it always seems like such a herculean effort to make myself do any of the myriad list of things to do. But then one night POING! suddenly I have the motivation. I don't know how to control the switch, but I'm just glad it finally got activated.
So today I'm lacing up my sneakers and getting ready to sprint towards that football again, hoping this time I will actually connect with it. Or, at least with Lucy's face.
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Dear Pathetic Non-Loser,
ReplyDeleteTeasing as usual. Look, I heard something the other day that really made sense and since I've started doing it myself I've become a lot more motivated to do lots of things I put off. Here's what it is: pretend to be a person who does all the things you don't. Apply a personality to that pretend person and traits... like, OK...Saturday I needed to dye my hair (for realz I did) and was going to blow it off but became my alter ego (Kit Kendall) instead and got right to it. I cleaned house too becuase Kit told me to. I get so much more done now and professionals assure me she will will just meld into me and not take over.
(shrug, it could work)
So...who's it gonna be? Lenna MacDoogood?
xoxo
Jesus, I wish I could find my switch. I've NEVER found my switch, and my vacuum actually works - were I to get it out.
ReplyDeleteYou know, I admit it makes me feel better that I'm not the only one in this "life would be fabulous if only I weighed less" boat, but credit where credit is due my friend, you are still physically moving around (unlike me, the total lump) AND visiting Derek. I have complete faith that eventually you will find your groove in all of this.
In the meantime, you are inspiring and hilarious in an entirely GOOD WAY - as in SO not pathetic.
Thanks for this - I always look forward to your updates!
Drinks soonest - and hell, maybe we should go have big rootbeer schnapps floats; to hell with vodka and DC.
Barbie xoxo
Yeah, I have the same thing, only my shrink has somehow got me in a groove where I'm becoming (over several years) more self-motivated, and success breeds success...
ReplyDeleteBut you're right, it's funny, isn't it; there's nothing I can do to tackle a pile of dishes but tonight probably I'll pick up a few and stack them to get them out of the sink, and the next thing I know they're washed...
Hmmm, I've been thinking a lot about my own switches re:: cyclothymia.
ReplyDeleteThe highs and lows of your tribulations are totally 'everyman' and mirrors our own. Thanks for your honesty. Love you. Patti
ReplyDeleteHello, first commenter. Are you using your Anonymous personality today? Hey but that's interesting advice. Maybe I'll spend some time developing a new alter-ego. Some sort of dust-fighting defender of the people. I could get a costume and everything. I think the trouble is, how does one get the energy to develop the energetic alternate personality? Hmmm, will have to give this some thought. From the green couch, during commercials.
ReplyDeleteBarbilicious! Let's go get shitfaced this weekend! We can inspire each other with our drunken fabulousness. Long overdue.
Phil, yeah, I do sometimes find myself accidentally tidying more than I intended to. I'm usually okay with surface levels of tidiness, although in the past couple weeks there have been no surfaces to speak of in my apartment. I like making lists, though. There is a primitive delight in drawing an inky line through a task upon its completion.
kmk, glad this blog got you thinking about this stuff. We are figuring it out, a little more each day. ==3
Patti, thanks for the love, and the constant support and reassurance. Even though I hate writing these "low" blogs, it really helps so much, to get the poison self-recriminations outside of me so I can put it all into perspective and move on. You all help me so much with that. xo
Hey Linnyqat - I love what Patti said, and can't add a word that would better express how I feel. Much love to you! xox Diane
ReplyDeleteHey D, I'm so sorry I haven't been in touch lately. Part of my depression - I am just not into reaching out. I have it in my mind all the time that I owe you an email, and I can only hope that you understand and haven't taken it personally. Thank you for the love and never-ending support.
ReplyDelete==3
Good thing we are not all on the downswing at the same time. I can't even express how familiar this is. Chipping away at it is a victory, and the never-give-up-in-the-face-of-it attitude is essential.
ReplyDeleteI was just reading the current "afters" of some of the Biggest Loser contestants. I always wondered if they kept it off. They didn't show all of them, so my spidey sense imagines that if they gained it all back they would refuse to update NBC. The most interesting (yet perhaps non-surprising) detail is that most contestants gained back at least 20-30 lbs after the finale. Perhaps the absence of Bob or Jillian yelling at you everyday means some slippage in motivation?
So where does motivation come from? Is the switch different for everyone? Does it vary day-to-day? How can we make the switch work for us? These questions are things I think about too.