Mar 31: Weight loss tips from The Miaouw

Hello, empty theatre!

Quick update: I have started yogging again! I was holding off on reporting this, since the struggle to find motivation to exercise has been iffy at best. I didn’t sign up for the Sporting Life 10K, because I thought there’s no way I’d be ready for it. I had this romantic if sweaty notion that every year I would improve my time, and this year, what with the excess weight and the whole sloth appreciation society business, I know that won’t be possible. So I was letting that defeat me before I even got started.

Well screw that mentality. A week and a half ago, my office moved into a new building, closer to the Good Life. I decided to make good associations and new habits with this new environment, and have been going to the gym after work regularly. The first time, I got on the treadmill and told myself, whatever you have to do, just do it. So I started with 2 and 1’s (run 2 minutes, walk 1). By the end of each two minutes, I was a mess, but I was determined. I just set the speed lower. Yesterday I was up to 4 and 1’s, which is great improvement over just 10 days, I think. Even so, it took me 40 minutes to run 3 miles. Back in the day I was going 4-6 minutes faster, but whatever, I’m out there, doing it, which is a MAJOR WIN. Or, winning. Whatever the kids and the crazies are saying these days.

So with all that extra activity, I still only lost .8 last week. My total weight loss over the past month and a half is something like 2.4 pounds. Jeez. Even so, I feel great about returning to the exercise thing. I knew I would get back to it eventually. I’ve decided I’m still going to sign up for the Sporting Life 10K on May 1. I don’t give a shit what my time is; for me, the triumph will be showing up and gettin’ ‘er done.

Okay, on to the titillating subject line at hand: The Miaouw has a couple of unorthodox diet tricks that I thought might be useful if you are out of your mind and if you first sign a waiver that you won’t sue me or anything.

1. Do not wear winter jackets in winter.
   Being from southern California, winter is an anomaly to the Miaouw. I got him a winter coat for Christmas two years ago. He brought it back to California and then forgot it there. But he is undaunted. He goes out in the frigid sub-zero temperatures in a cardigan with a windbreaker, and when I look at him like he’s nuts, he insists that this is a weight loss scheme. I suppose there are a lot of extra calories to be burned through violent shivering. I think he also thinks the little metabolism elves are taking chunks of fat storage and throwing them on the fire, trying to warm up his body. I gotta admit, this theory sounds kinda sciency.



2. Blood donation on a regular basis.
   So the idea is, not only do you lose the initial mass from the liquid (great for pre-weigh-ins!), but that your body burns calories in generating more blood to restore your reserves. At one point, he was suggesting we do a blood clinic crawl – donate blood every day for a week. Alas, it never came to pass, so I can’t offer up any evidence to support this wild theory. The other drawback, of course, is you wouldn’t be allowed to eat the cookie afterwards. That would totally defeat the purpose, obvs.

Well anyway, these are just some ideas that I in no way endorse and will not be held criminally responsible for. Enjoy, little lab rats!

Jul 15: Back on the ole Wagon Wheel

Okay, okay, my rebellious foray into stomach expansion has at last played itself out. I am still in the process of ascertaining exactly how much damage my little jaunt has wrought. I weighed myself on Saturday morning. It was not pretty. I was up 7 pounds from the day I flew out west (about a week and a half earlier), and that number was already up a few pounds from the birthday eatings. Of course a lot of it is water weight. I have dropped 5 pounds in the last 5 days of wagons east.

I am currently not at all interested in exercise. Last week it was sweltering, India-hot in Toronto. Since I was OTW anyway, why would I struggle through booty camp when instead I could make a beeline for air conditioning and pizza? (Um, how about, because it's better to sweat from exercise than from bloat? Yeah.)

I went to Booty Camp last night for the first time in 2 weeks. So much for the exercise motivation of not wasting money I've already spent on a class. Ah well. It was tough but not terrible. I was totally inspired by a new woman who is much heavier than me, toughing it out, finishing last in all of the cardio courses set out for us (run to certain point, do 5 pushups, run some more, do burpees, run up and down hill, do sit-ups, etc.) When I'm falling behind I just skip the pushups or whatever, but she was doing everything, no matter how long it took her. I thought, good on her. (Less so on me...) She and I were later partnered up for an insane exercise (one person is on the ground in pushup position, the other grabs pushup person's legs, sort of wheelbarrow style, and you have to do pushups with them holding your legs up. We both fell on our faces with every attempt) -- anyway, we both just congratulated each other on even BEING there and decided not to worry about keeping up with the January Joneses.

Tonight I am going to check out Aqua Fit at the Manulife Centre Good Life club. It's the only Good Life in Toronto with a pool, and it's only a 10 minute walk from my apartment. I thought I'd try something a little lower impact, in water no less, since my motivation to sweat is not what it has been in the past. (Well geez I sweat every day just walking to work!) Part of me feels guilty for "taking the easy way out" i.e. going to an exercise class for old ladies and fatties. Isn't that lame? Anyway, I realize my hubris will most likely splash water in my face when the old ladies kick my ass into the deep end tonight. We shall see.

What about y'all? Do you exercise in summer? How do you stay motivated? I go pretty easy on myself. Perhaps too easy, but then again, at least I come back to it eventually. What I lack in stamina I make up for in Sisyphusian determination. Or, inevitable anxiety about my ever-bulging pooch. Either way.

Jan 29: I joined a gym and I liked it

It's been a really tough week. January sucks ass, n'est-ce pas? I've been struggling to keep it together, with fair to middling results. I'm incredibly sensitive right now. I have to avoid animal shelter commercials and Biggest Loser ousters or it's dwibble, dwibble all down my face. Yesterday at work... oh, god, so humiliating... I cried in front of my boss. Ugh. About nothing. I mean, not nothing, but not something cry-worthy.

I went home and cocooned and cried some more, and this morning I woke up resolved not to be such a pussy. Winter sucks, but it's not like this is my first. Work is just work. I can't let it get under my skin this much. I need to take control, rather than let it control me. So after work, I strode purposefully up Yonge Street and walked right up to the 6'4" 22 year old buffboy and said, "I'm wanna join the gym." Exhilarating.

I wrote a song about it for all of you:

Jan 27: On the couch watching Biggest Loser

Jillian is barking at some poor kid who has eaten himself to over 400 pounds. He's coughing and spluttering and hollering. I'm thinking to myself, yeah, when this is over I really should go downstairs and run for 20 minutes. Like, in homage or something. But then I think, I'm tired and it's Jaaaaanuary, wah. I don't want to. But look at this kid. There's no way around it. If I decide not to go, I'm giving up, indulging myself, and it seems like a slap in the face to this kid. I don't know why. What the hell do I owe him?

Whatever. I know I need to rev up the exercise. If this was X-Weighted, not D-Weighted, the fitness expert/drill sargeant, Paul Plakas, would be bitching me out and wagging his finger at me for not being more committed. If I were on the green couch watching the linnyqat episode instead of living it, I'd be nodding my head smugly while Paul predicted failure if I don't step up my game.

I've decided I'm going to rejoin GoodLife Fitness. I'll go right after work. That was a routine that worked for me in the past. I'm going to commit to doing at least two fitness classes a week, but push for three. And I am going to think seriously about getting a trainer - maybe just for 10 sessions, to get them to set me up with a routine. I will think about it. But for sure, re-join the gym.

Still, I'm not going to run tonight. Fuck you, Paul!