If you've been following along, by now you know the pattern: declaration of renewed determination, regular updates, occasional complaints about lack of substantial progress, dimishing returns... radio silence. Weeks, sometimes months later: declaration of renewed determination!
I have to admit it's tough coming back here time and again to admit my defeat. I know that's not news, as generally the declaration post contains some sort of sheepish mea culpa, and this one is no different. The worst is looking at the laundry list of contributions to the diet industry over the past year: buying the Atkins book, signing up for Weight Watchers online (again), the thousands of dollars I have spent on personal training. And now, the inevitable return to Jenny. Fucking I hate Jenny and everything she stands for! Which is a tough stance to take, given the heavily branded contents of my freezer.
In the last 5-10 years of my life, I have struggled more and more with bouts of depression. I've been on a mild dosage of Celexa (a.k.a. citalopram) since summer 2006. In January I spoke to my doctor about the very difficult fall I've had and we upped the dosage from 20 to 30 mg/day, which felt like a backwards step since rightly or wrongly I have this judgment about needing to use drugs to control my mood – I thought this was going to be a temporary measure. Anyway, I think the increased dosage is helping, insofar as it allows me to go to work and function, but I still feel like a piece of clothing that's been washed a hundred times – faded, rumpled, shapeless. Ready for the GoodWill bin. Some days I feel like I have no emotions, just emptiness. Way in the back of my consciousness there is desire, to do something, to be someone, to find joy in creativity and interaction, but it's such a long push to get to the front of the haze of disinterest and lethargy that the fire of ambition is barely a flicker.
In the midst of this, there is one thing that brings joy, or a simulation of it, without fail: eating. If life has no flavour, food still does. So I succomb to it time and again, in the absence of any other excitement. And then my depression becomes more profound as my unhappiness with my appearance grows. It's vicious indeed.
Then you have the whole third world sitch, and the self-loathing only grows. God, I even loathe myself for indulging in self-loathing! GAH! All this navel-gazing, over indulgence in my appearance, my clothes that don't fit, how bad I want to chuck the diet and eat a box of chocolates or whatever. How much money I spend on trying to lose weight. How much energy I spend trying to forgive myself for the pre-occupation. And I don't think that's going to change. This is where I am, this is the life that I live. I live in a privileged culture that has spawned its own brand of life challenges. They are existential rather than practical, but they are real to me.
All these demons swirling around eventually led me back to the doors of Jenny Craig. I lost quite a bit of weight using this program in years past, and kept it off for a couple of years. I was always embarrassed to admit I was a client. I need my foods measured out and pre-packaged for me to prevent me from eating everything in sight. And I will pay far more than the food is worth for this "service"! Whatever, it works for me. I've lost 7.5 pounds so I feel good about the decision. I hate putting money into the industry, but sometimes self-image trumps politics.
So that's where I'm at right now. Kinda dark, kinda struggling with the self-like business, and then struggling with the struggle to self-like, as if that's not an indulgence in itself. I know there are so many of you who will understand this, and who will want to reassure me about my own likeiness. Thanks in advance. This is not a cry for validation or reassurance. I get that you dig me, just like I know you know how much I dig y'all, and appreciate your support. Mostly I just want to share.
This too shall pass.
Love and hugs to you all!
PS Plea from a cat named Lola:
Posts
I've been waiting for you! You know, if I could afford the JC, I would totally do it; I am joining the gym in mid-March even though I so don't have the funds to spare (and how sad is THAT??), just because somehow, in the past year, yet another ten has crept upon me, and literally nothing fits. I feel that pain. And nothing sinks you deeper into the badness than when you embrace the only goodness: flavour (pref. w/butter & cheese on it if you're me), and then feel full, guilty and even "badder".
ReplyDeleteWe should hang out and feel like crap together sometime - maybe a movie?
Love, hugs and moral support,
Electric xo
thanks for sharing, linds. got nothin' to say, just offering my virtual support.
ReplyDeletexoxot
So Dude, we've totally been in the same place, together but apart. (Hey, I can call ANYONE Dude because I'm a native SoCal-ian). Yes, I shall admit to getting the kids out the door, then going back to bed WTF??? Then only to wake up and eat. Then to log on to WW (because YOU were doing it!!!), then to plan for the next meal, take a nap, repeat. Yeah, something not quite right. Not jobs in sight for moi (overqualified bs translated as we can't mold you into our little billing machine) so I rescued a puppy. Tried to get some walking in...all while hubby and all our other critters are in Tennessee. Oh, and to further be your groupie, I also contemplated re-joining Jenny, but I just can't do it.
ReplyDeleteI suggest we firmly grab our boot straps and give em a big old yank in the upward direction. Deal?
Lindsay, I don't have much to say either, but I was wondering how you were, am glad to see you resurface back here, and from what some of my former co-workers told me, that Jenny Craig plan really does work wonders for a lot of people. You already know that, though. Most of all, you are a champ, and always will be, so whatever diet you choose, you will come through being the Great Lindsay! And I mean that, with much love. xox
ReplyDeleteBarbarian Ultra Sex Kitten D-Lite, you waited for me! Hooray for friends that linger. Hey, which gym are you thinking of joining? If you join Good Life, we could maybe be gym buddies once or twice a week. It's so much harder to crap out on exercise plans when you're beholden to someone else. (Hence the thousands I've spent on personal training...)
ReplyDeleteI would absolutely love to do dinner and movie with you sometime. Or Kilt. Or both. I like that we are having this conversation here and on the FBK thread. I will respond further to you over there.
PS you rule.
Trish, sigh. Thanks for saying that and only that. People mean well but I'm always nervous to put myself out there with these sorts of posts because I really don't want people rushing to convince me to just love myself more or with suggestions for how to overcome the struggle, etc, etc. Sometimes I just want to say, "I'm here, without cheer, get used to it". Although having said that, I still have cheer.
Dearest Kat, you joined DubDub because of me?!! Ah, shiza. Sorry about that. Heh. Well, it's still fun to count! As for going back to bed, colour me jealous. I slept til 12:30 on Saturday. I swear if I didn't have a job to go to on weekdays, I'd be in danger of becoming permanently fused to my couch, like a worn down piece of soap.
Anyway, as my friend James said on the FBK thread, the days are getting longer. You have a puppy. Together we shall prevail. xo!
Diane, thanks so much for checking in with your words of love and support. Yes, the JC plan is effective. I haaaate to cook, I'm a lazy schlep, and so for me it is kinda perfect. They don't force you to buy 7 full days of food, so I usually only get 3-4 lunches and dinners and supplement them with Lean Cuisine or whatever's on sale. I like their breakfasts and snacks too. Anyway, I'll talk more about JC in a future post. Thanks for always being in my corner, D. much love.
heya lindsaydear! fred's mother sent me a silly little joke this weekend:
ReplyDeletei went to the doctor for my yearly physical. the nurse started with the basics.
"how much do you weigh?" she asked me. "125," i said. the nurse put me on the scale. it turns out my weight is 175.
the nurse asked my height. "5ft 4 inches," i said. the nurse checked and saw that i only measure 5 ft 2.
she then took my blood pressure and said it was very high. "of course it's high!" i screamed. "when i came in i was tall and slender. now i'm short and fat."
she put me on prozac. what a b****.
lindsay, at least you're not delusional.
~ terri
terri! I miss you! Nice you get silly little notes from Fred's mom. I think someone sent that around a few weeks back, or posted it on their FBK or something. Made me laugh. Also made me laugh when you said "at least you're not delusional". Maybe life would feel easier if I was...
ReplyDeleteYou're a doll. I hope we get back to Cali soon so I can give you a hug. xo
I AM joining Goodlife! I like the BodyFlow classes so I go to them. I don't know how to do anything else so I'd LOVE to have you come with, since otherwise I just wander about looking like an idiot trying to figure out how to use the machines.
ReplyDeleteIt would be fun to get kicked out of a gym together! Let's def be gym buddies! I go to the one @ Davisville/Mt.Pleasant. I'll let you know when my membership starts.
Shazam!!!
xoxo
Lola rocks!
ReplyDeleteSo hello, glad you checked in. Since I've again dumped FC, I have no way to *see* you and I've been resorting to watching the Bonnie Hunt Show because her hairdo, clever banter and all around coolness reminds me of you.
XXXOOO,
Patti
hello lindsey
ReplyDeletelove to you. i feel what you are going through
i think it would be great for you to augment the JC thing with some group -
I know people who have really been helped by AA kind of meetings.
I myself have begun attending a workshop on mindfulness and relaxation. Really teaches you to let go of useless thoughts and judgements especially useless negative thoughts about yourself
write to me --i'm not good in these little boxe
trudyd
It gets you to have pleasure focusing on things-- meditation -
GoodBarb! Right the frig on! I have never tried Body Flow although it seems like a nice, gentle group exercise class. I went to Zumba a couple times and it was fun, but I find myself staring at the clock at these things after the first 10-15 minutes has elapsed.
ReplyDeleteSo, awesome. We will be accountable to each other, and teh internets.
Patti, word! I'm not at FC too much myself right now. So glad you are still keeping tabs on me and Lola. And that I remind you of Bonnie Hunt! Cool company to be in. xoxobackatcha...
Shelley, so nice to hear from you! Love to you as well. You know, it's interesting you mention AA. In one of my previous "declaration of renewed determination" posts, I mused about joining Overaters Anonymous, or at least checking it out. I didn't follow through, but your comment has me considering it anew. I also wrote a year ago about mindfulness and I do believe in the importance of practicing it. I think I've been hiding from the deep, hard work that I need to do to figure this stuff out. I do realize there are tools out there, but I tell myself nothing will work because... I'm lazy? Afraid? Tired? Some combination of all, I guess. I think the answer is, when I'm ready to deal with it, I will. I am a believer in process. Part of the process is being exposed to the possibilities, considering them, even if it's just in the back corner of one's consciousness because that's all you can handle at the time. Thank you for reaching out.