Fresh off the triumph comes the inevitable tumble into Shitsville, it seems. I don't know, guys. Why am I like this? I hate it. I hate me. On Sunday everything was going along fine, I shot footage for a video update, I had lost a couple of pounds, finally back in the 140s, was headed out to do some shopping and get some new jeans and such... and then... wha' happen?
Epic fail. Je ne understand pas. I started thinking about chocolates and soon nothing would deter me. On the way home I stopped and bought healthy groceries (good work) and then made another stop and got chocolates. Went home and ate the chocolates plus whatever else I could get my greasy paws on.
Then yesterday I was like, okay, that was a blip, back in form today. I went to work, hated my job, started thinking about chocolates again... and then I stopped on the way home from work, bought chocolates and some other shit, then on the way home from that stop, I saw a McDonalds and thought, what the fuck, and went in there too. It's like, I just went into this spiralling behaviour. This morning I didn't want to get out of bed. But I thought, what good is calling in sick going to do? What would you do instead? Lie around and cry about what a fat pig you are and then go eat some more? I went to work. I plan to run tonight after work, and to not eat crap again. Sometimes these things, they just run their course. Sometimes if I spend too much time consciously trying to talk myself out of it, I just end up spending more time in it. Whatever "it" is. I just know that I feel like shit, only want to sleep, feel like a failure, hate myself for wallowing, etc, etc.
I also know that this feeling won't last forever and I'll be back on the horse again soon. I don't know, maybe I just need to feel the lows in order to feel the highs. Maybe I'm just wired this way.
Do any of you guys relate?
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Hey girlie. I too fall off the wagon in grand scale. But for me instead of chocolates it is anything with carbs - chips, bagels, and bread of any kind. But don't let this little spiral derail your efforts. You should be so proud of how far you have come. I mean, come on...you did so amazingly well in your race! Hang in there girl. Your efforts are paying off. Sometimes we must take a step backwards every now and again to regain our forward momentum. HUGS!
ReplyDeleteI'm not going to brag that my tail of whoa is bigger than your tail of whoa, but my tail weighs 20 more pound than it did four weeks ago.
ReplyDeleteThe Fuzz is whispering little oinky noises behind my back.
My mealy-mouth disclaimer: some of that gain is from my newest weight-gainy meds. But most of it comes directly from the equivalent of throwing myself a chocolate half-and-half chugging pity party.
You've convinced me I'm not special in the weight gain department so I might as well unload it before I bust my seams.
But no, I'm not going to put my stuff on YouTube.
Hey there LQ,
ReplyDeleteDon't beat yourself up too bad. You've been doing very well, and accomplished a big goal, and all that. A few stumbles here and there don't make you a bad person, or a failure, or f_ed in the head, or any other such things. You know that though.
Your recent trend has been towards getting healthy and stronger, and losing weight; a couple of binges aren't going to derail you.
From what you've written, it sounds like you're more in control than out of control; by posting about your lapses, you're affirming your self-control -- you're not in denial or shame, or whatever. You're empowering yourself by putting it out here for us, your loyal fans, to see.
Just keep hanging in there, and keep us up to date. We care about you, and we want to know how you're doing.
Cheers,
-Jazzy-
Oh, my friend. This is all a bit too familiar to me, and Oprah, and probably all "The Biggest Losers". You are not alone!
ReplyDeleteYou are my hero!
The unfortunate thing about weight management long term, is that it's not like a 10K with a finish line. It's life, baby. You are always going to have these little forrays when needed (it's not about the food). It's not about whether you have a Big Mac or not, it's about how you recover and get back on your plan. Even if you descend into a lengthy "supersize me" fog, the good news is you can get back on the horse whenever you choose.
You are doing so great!
Alright, maybe this will levetate you out of your out house: I have been saying for YEARS that I will get rid of these extra 25 pounds. Did Jenny Craig and lost a little over half of 'em, went on frikkin Oprah on the first Valerie Bertinelli appearance and then gained them all back. So, please prop your funny self back up, and realize that you are inspiring others to get going and to start losing...and you're so far ahead of where I'm starting. Pat yourself on the back!
ReplyDeleteOh, my friends, my friends!!!Thank you all so much. I am happy to report that yesterday, I finally "ate clean" and I feel like I'm on the comeback trail. Thanks in no small part to all of you, as always, being so supportive.
ReplyDeleteJen, thanks for the hugs and the words of wisdom. This does seem to be my process: two steps forward, one step back, inching ever slowly towards a better me. Sometimes I wonder if my psyche just can't take too much success all at once! Anyway, thanks doll. Hugs back.
sludj, thanks for reminding me that no matter how crappy you feel, there's always someone out thre who feels just a little bit crappier. Okay, was that too mean? Anyway, you may not be special in the weight gain department but you make up for it in the awesome stand-out human category.
DJ Jazzy Don, thanks so much, friend. Yes, the reason I post about the stumbles is exactly as you say, to make myself accountable and try to force myself back on track. I tend to become a hermit when I'm not feeling good about myself, and I've found that when I make myself reach out, it is usually the key to pulling myself out of the pit. Actually, it's the key to getting friends to help pull me out. Such as you. Thanks.
Rusteh! What an awesome pep talk. I count myself as having progressed, insofar as the forays into The Pit (as I call it) do not seem to last for as long as they once did. I think there will always be visits to that dark place, but it's as you said. Learning how to manage it is the key, because I don't know that I'll ever eradicate it. And that's okay too. I get by with a lot of help from my friends.
KatCamp, my newest friend! We are cut from the same cloth. I know aaaalll about Jenny Craig, did it for years myself. In fact, I wrote a blog about the unintentional effects of the Jenny Craig lifestyle, and how it ultimately does not do service to the binge eating disorder mindset. Anyway, thanks to you and these other great people, I have indeed propped myself back up, and am so inspired by all of you to keep going. Thanks for the help. I hope I can help you too.
Awww thanks Linny! Yes, the whole JC in the box eating does not help unless you intend to stay eating that processed stuff forEVA. Here's the stoopid part of my brain...my 15 year old son and my hubby are following Dr. Gundry's Diet Evolution which is not a "diet" per se, but rather a way to stay young and to trick our genes to not turn on us. My son lost 30 pounds last summer and has kept it off and is still losing slowly. You'd'a thunk I'd jump right on that bandwagon right? Haven't done it yet...but it's not too late right!!!
ReplyDeleteHey Linnyqat,
ReplyDeleteI can so relate to your last sentence. Have the downs so you can appreciate the ups, too (or something to that effect, can't see your text when commenting). My life is a constant rollercoaster. And indeed, I have to have some obstacle to conquer or I am too bored and therefore not happy. By the way, I stopped going to the gym and took to smoking. I should feel guilty about this but not enough to do something about it. Anyway, cheer up girl, and in fact I am sure you already did! (Oh, and I just ate 3 chocolate covered Milka cookies made with whole grain "inspired" by your story. They are just too damn delicious!)
awww, citykitty!! Nice to hear from you, and it is very cool to revisit this older blog and to know that the rollercoaster style is something we share. I am frustrated at myself right now because every time I break the barrier and get into the 140s, I sabotage myself (e.g. eating an entire box of cereal in a couple of days) and find myself right back where I was.
ReplyDeleteI totally relate to where you're at. I find that when I fall into old habits, I just need to get it out of my system. If I try to force myself to go to the gym or diet or whatever, it might work for a time, but I always end up rebelling and going overboard in the opposite direction. Of course, I go overboard in the opposite direction even if I don't try to force myself to be "good", so, I don't know. Maybe the difference is, I try not to be too hard on myself or feel guilty about it, as you've said. If you're gonna do it, do it, and enjoy it. Doing it and feeling guilty about it is the worst possible outcome.
You'll eventually find your way back to making healthier choices. I do believe that we have to experience our present, whatever that present might be. But who knows, maybe that's just an excuse to eat more chocolates.