Sep 21: I get knocked down, but I get up again

Hey fwiends,

Well, the Puma Diet is no more. I was feeling a little weird about eating all that meat, and since the whole ketosis thing just kinda ignored me and my efforts, it seemed pointless, expensive, and nutritionally dubious to continue. So a couple weeks ago I switched back to a low fat / low carb eating plan. And then slid into high fat / high carb. From there it was an easy transition to fat and depressed again. Ugh.

It's tough, blogging about all of this. It's like inviting everyone to watch you run into a wall over and over again. You start off full of high spirits and good intentions and confidence, and groove to the momentum (that stuff's always fun to write about). Then you start to lose energy, get waylaid, take a vacation, get injured, whatever, and whammo, right into the wall. Failure, disappointment, feelings of powerlessness. I do my best to dust myself off and rev up for another go. And after awhile it just starts to feel like dang, am I ever gonna get past this? And doesn't everybody get tired of reading the same old story? How many times did Charles Schulz recycle Lucy pulling the football out from under Charlie Brown before it got old? (Some might say, never, it's still hilarious. To which I would respond: I'M NOT HILARIOUS, I'M PATHETIC!!!)

Well anyway. I moped around most of last week, eating shit I didn't really want, but eating it anyway, in case I actually did want it since food has always been my frenemy. I kept my appointments with Derek, which helped. Last night I had a revelation that I needed to clean my apartment. I am living in a depression-induced sty. I made lists for every room of my wee humble abode, of stuff I need to do to get some order in my life. In between I did laundry and went out for some healthy groceries. I felt really empowered and it actually gave me energy.

It's very weird, and it all seems so arbitrary: I sit on the green couch for hours and days and weeks, thinking about how I need to get the vaccuum cleaner fixed because, ew, gross, or looking over at the crammed to the brink book shelf and think about how it's only two feet away, why don't I amble over and start organizing it a bit? And it always seems like such a herculean effort to make myself do any of the myriad list of things to do. But then one night POING! suddenly I have the motivation. I don't know how to control the switch, but I'm just glad it finally got activated.

So today I'm lacing up my sneakers and getting ready to sprint towards that football again, hoping this time I will actually connect with it. Or, at least with Lucy's face.

Sep 8: Exercise: what is it good for?

(Absolutely nothing?!)

I've been meaning to write this blog for about a month. Sorry I'm late. Last month, two friends forwarded the same article to me in one day: an opinion piece that ran in Time magazine entitled Why Exercise Won't Make You Thin. One friend (beloved Rusty_grrl) had spotted the article on Bob Harper's Facebook page (he's the crying personal trainer on Biggest Loser). Bob was not pleased:



The article is an interesting read. I can understand why Bob got a little fist-shakey at it; it isn't that the author is saying exercise is useless, but the headline would suggest otherwise. Casual readers who might not read all four pages and/or just skim for details might come away feeling justified for hanging up the sneakers and becoming reacquainted with the custom-made ass groove on their couch.

Compensation without representation (on the scale)
What the article does say is that exercise can give people who are counting their calories and trying to lose weight a false sense of security in terms of ingesting a few extra calories on days they work out. The author refers to it as "the compensation factor". He cites results from a study that showed women who exercised intensely over a six month period did not lose significantly more than a control group who did not exercise (some even gained!):

Whether because exercise made them hungry or because they wanted to reward themselves (or both), most of the women who exercised ate more than they did before they started the experiment. Or they compensated in another way, by moving around a lot less than usual after they got home.

So, any of you relate to this phenomenon? I know I do! For sure there are plenty of times when I allow myself a little something extra, perhaps as a reward for my good behaviour, or maybe because I'm just plain hungry after a workout.

Honey, can you pick up some more self control on your way home?
The other notion that the author puts forward is that self control or will power is finite in people. You only have so much of it to use:

In 2000 the journal Psychological Bulletin published a paper by psychologists Mark Muraven and Roy Baumeister in which they observed that self-control is like a muscle: it weakens each day after you use it. If you force yourself to jog for an hour, your self-regulatory capacity is proportionately enfeebled. Rather than lunching on a salad, you'll be more likely to opt for pizza.

Seriously? Holy geez, all this time I've been hating myself when I should have been hating science! Fucking science! You screwed me over! Well your secret is out now. Nice to have something else to blame for those times when it's gotta be cake.

Let cooler foreheads prevail
The article does go on to say that, of course, there are many benefits to exercise. ("In addition to enhancing heart health and helping prevent disease, exercise improves your mental health and cognitive ability." - I guess Bob didn't make it to page 3.) But the argument for "sweaty, exhausting, hunger-producing bursts of activity" is not as strong as Bob and Jillian would have you believe (if you choose instead to believe this very comforting article, that is). The author believes low-intensity movement, such as a walk - not even a brisk walk, from the sound of it - is just as effective as doing cardio at the gym.

Hmmmm. I don't know guys. First I have to give up aspartame, now I'm expected to give up my sweaty hairshirt of gym torture? It just don't seem right to me.

What do you all think?


PS Personal exercise update: I took the last 3 or 4 weeks pretty easy, since every time I got more intense, my gimpy left calf muscle yelled at me. Also, I read this article and realized I didn't have to. No, no, I kid! I keed! Anyway, recently I have started running again. It's hard to believe how quickly I got out of shape. I've been running at a super-slow pace, and right now am only doing about 2 miles (2.5 including walking warm-down). My heart rate zooms with the intensity of the effort so I don't consider it safe yet to push myself beyond what I'm doing. I'm just glad to be training again.

I don't think I'm gonna be ready in time for the Toronto Island 10k run - it's less than two weeks away. Frowny faces. Instead, I think I will participate in the Great Canadian Shoreline Cleanup that weekend. Picking up garbage can actually be a decent workout, especially if you don't eat donuts afterward.

Aug 29: Aaah, heh heh... whoops?

Last night I OD'ed on Atkins bars. I guess it could have been worse. I still have bars left today. Also I didn't go out and indulge in actual carbicide. (The bars are 2-3 net carbs each, which makes the whole thing pretty low impact, big picture speaking.) I sure thought about it. But I just kept thinking about all that sugar running through my veins, how sick I would probably feel (how sick I already felt), and ultimately I talked myself out of it. Victory in the face of defeat (she mutters grimly).

The thing is, these bars are packed with dietary fibre. Like, between 8 and 11 grams each. And... I kinda lost track of how many I ate at around... um... 7. So after I hoovered the last two, I sat back and clutched my sated belly and endured a night of romance-killing gas. Delightful.

The best (read: crazymakingest) part was that this morning I was down half a pound. I was LOL at my scale.

Aug 26: The Demon Aspartame

Shout out: The Demon Barb, who demanded an update.

So, I don' t know, guys. I've been following the Atkins meal plan for over two weeks and I am ALREADY stuck. Seriously, WTF is up with my wretched body. Everything was going along quite nicely, I was losing at a steady pace, and then this past weekend I hopped on a plane to surprise my Miaouw, who is in the Bay Area at the moment, for his birthday. For the first time in... perhaps ever, I stuck with my diet whilst visiting my boyfriend. Well done, you might say, and I'd agree with you wholeheartedly.

So then, why do I come home and find out not only have I not lost any more weight, but in fact I have gained 1-2 pounds? BITCHES! GAH!!!! Quel frustrate.

I surmise that I must not be in ketosis after all, and I start trying to figure out why. The late Dr. Atkins advises that there are a few prescription drugs that may impede ketosis: birth control pills (check), anti-depressants of the SSRI variety (check). So, nothing I can do about those for now. But also, he advises that you stay away from aspartame. Apparently it can kick you out of ketosis.

Well I knew this going in, and chose to continue drinking my beloved, gut-killing Diet Dr Pepper anyway. I adopted a wait and see mentality. But this weekend I had a lot more DDP than I normally do (which is already a fair amount) so I'm wondering if this is the cause. I'm looking for beverages in Canada that are sweetened with sucralose a.k.a. Splenda. Yesterday at lunch I did recon at the the nearby Sobey's and found that Diet Crush (I like the orange; not a huge fan of cream soda) and Schweppes seemed to be the only sweet 'n' fizzy beverages on the mass market that I could choose from. Last night I discovered that the Loblaws President's Choice label makes their Free & Clear beverages with sucralose, so I picked up a couple bottles of that. Today I've been sipping Tangerine-Lime and guzzling water. I had a headache by 10 a.m. which I attribute to withdrawal.

I also bought some ketostix last night and pissed all over my hand this morning trying to get a reading. I've read not to rely too much on what these things say because different factors can impact on the outcome of the test, like time of day, level of hydration, level of recent activity, etc. I've heard you should test every day at the same time, either morning and/or night time. So this morning's piss says: no ketones in the blood. Sad faces.

So that's the update. I need to get off aspartame anyway. I've known this for a long time. So maybe this is a good thing, even if this is not the impediment to ketosis. I will continue to experiment and test with the ketostix to see if I'm doing the right thing. It's annoying, but I am still feeling pretty upbeat overall.

Aug 17: Life on Atkins

So I've been on the Atkins plan for a week and a half now and I gotta say... LOVING IT! Before I go any further (and this is not because I think y'all are gonna sue me or anything), I want to say that I am still considering this an experiment, I am not endorsing it as a magic cure or advocating it as a solution for everyone or for anyone other than me, and even for me, who knows. I'm just saying, I feel awesome.

Here's what's working for me:

No sugar or bread/pasta cravings
I don't find I am missing out on processed carbs like bread and pasta and potatoes. Once in a while (usually after a meaty kinda meal) I think something sweet would be nice, but I don't feel dogged by cravings. Of course, it's early times yet. There is a theory that the less sugar you eat, the less you crave it, and I think that's true, but I don't know if that theory accounts for the psychological or emotional cravings that come later, and may be related to feelings of deprivation, or maybe other stuff going on in your life that's not related to diet and eating. It's early times. So we'll see if it holds. But for now, I feel very satisfied on this eating plan.

Chewing (and swallowing) the fat
I think one thing that is making a difference is not having to hide from fat. Food that is prepared with fats like butter, olive oil or... dare I suggest... bacon grease - it tastes way better. So I am not feeling deprived, I am feeling the opposite. I've never eaten so much cheese in my life! I have four kinds in my fridge right now! It's unbelievable!

Ketosis is keeping me honest
Also working for me: in order for the Atkins approach to work, you can't really "cheat" or have a few extras here and there, the way I have in the past with low fat, calorie reduced diets. The whole point of cutting down so drastically on your carbohydrate intake is to cause your metabolism to switch from burning glucose as its primary fuel source (once carbs are ingested, the body converts them to glucose and uses it as fuel; excess glucose gets stored as fat) to burning fat as its primary fuel source. This is why you can eat so much fat on the diet - it gets burned right away to fuel your body, and once your body is using fat as fuel, it turns to stored fat and starts burning that too. When your body starts burning fat as its fuel, you're in ketosis.

So anyway, science lesson aside, the point is, from a behavioural perspective, there is sort of a built-in cheat-protection on this plan. I don't take weekends off, or figure it's fine to have a slice of cake at the office or whatever because I'm going to the gym after work. (And again, I must stress: NOT THAT THERE IS ANYTHING WRONG WITH THAT! I actually like that approach, i.e. a little something called "moderation" or "balance" or as some might say, "a bit of frigging perspective".) But the way I was going the past few months, I just needed a more disciplined approach, and in order for Atkins to work, I have to trust the science, since I can't trust myself to veer just a little off course without winding up in Albuquerque.

As for my weight loss thus far...
Well, I'm not exactly sure. I was too depressed to weigh myself at the outset, so I can only estimate what my starting weight was, based on the way my clothing (didn't) fit. I reckon I was between 158-160, but can't say for sure. This morning I am 151.5. I am not saying I've lost minimum 6.5 pounds thus far; I'm sure some of that was water and whatever. When I weigh myself next weekend it will be more telling. Would be nice to finally start losing at a decent rate. I wouldn't mind an average of 2 pounds a week, which is safe. I'm not looking for a quick fix; just want my metabolism to do its part if I'm gonna bust my hump six days a week in the gym.

So anyway, very cool. I'm encouraged. We shall see what continues to unfold...

PS Lola says upside down meow.

Aug 10: Emergence

In case it hasn't been obvious, or at the very least, inferable, I've been struggling. Ne worry pas, it's not a new struggle. I've been here many times before; I'm sure it's a cyclical thing, just part of my process.

Which is not to say that the cycle is unavoidable, or that it is predictable in terms of when it will strike, or how long it will last. When I vowed a month ago to get my shit together, I meant it. I thought I was pulling out of it. But events have conspired against me, including the nagging injury, the lack of confidence in my metabolism to respond to "good behaviour" eating, and the annual family weekend visit last week, which always stresses me out. My anxiety (and anxiety-eating) around this event plays out like that saying about the duration of a cold: three days coming, three days staying, three days leaving. That about sums it up. I got a lot of anxiety eating done in those nine days.

So, rather than sink into total desolation, which I rarely do anymore, thank goddess (i.e. thank me), I forged a plan. It is kind of a radical plan, for me, anyway, insofar as I've never tried this, and it goes against everything I think I know about myself as far as how I react to dietary restrictions. But I feel like I need to do something to kick my fat-ass metabolism off the couch and onto the treadmill. GET TO WORK, DAMN YOU!!

Soooo, I am giving Atkins a shot. I know, I know, diets don't work. But what I really need right now is a bit of encouragement. Some gee-dee results, ya know? I'm going to see if this whole ketosis thing really does work, and if my metabolism responds. I don't know how long I will do this. It's an experiment. I'm on Day 4 right now, and feeling okay. Don't find I miss the carbs or the sugar, but possibly (likely) that has something to do with the attempted carbicide (TM Brüno) over the past couple weeks.

This is all new to me, counting the carbs. It's kinda cool to have something new to focus on, and to eat different kinds of foods whilst trying to lose weight. It is keeping me VERY busy, reading up on how it works and keeping track of everything.

I'm not weighing myself until I've done two weeks of "Induction". Partly I just didn't want to know what the damage was - I couldn't face it. Partly I don't want to get discouraged if it takes a few days or weeks to get my body into this crazy fat-burning mode.

I will blog more about Atkins and how it works in future installments, for those of you who are interested.

Rock on, it's good to feel proactive again!

PS Physio seems to be working. I've been easing off the walking to and from work and doing some extra stretching and stuff. Have worked out the last three days in a row and am feeling no pain, knock on head. Keep your fingers crossed for me!

Jul 30: Gimp

Shout out: KatCamp, Mistress of the Guilt Trip

Alright, I'm back. I totally meant to be here sooner. The Miaouw and I went to my mom's place last weekend (she and my stepfather live in a serene bungalow on a lake in the wilds north of Kingston, ON). We needed to get out of the city. This weekend we're back there again for the annual Family Weekend thingy. My brother and his family (including gigantic, slobbering, if good-natured dogs) plus me and my Miaouw (this year we are bringing Lola, on the Miaouw's insistence) plus Mom and Al. Try not to get eaten alive. Try not to eat myself dead. Those are my two main goals.

Anyway, I wasn't around. And then, when I was around, I've been very disheartened by the shocking deterioration of my body. It's like, I turned 40 and then almost to the day I started being plagued by injury. My left calf has been on and off acting up - some sort of pulled muscle, possibly. I stayed off of it, except for bi-weekly workouts with Derek. The couch treatment seemed to be working, because on Monday I went to the gym and kicked ARSE. I was able to do skipping intervals again and really work up a good sweat, with no pain. I actually requested we do lunges. (I think my brain may also be injured.) Two days later (yesterday), suddenly my left foot is all fizzucked up. The outer arch is really achey. I almost sucked out and cancelled my session with Derek. I knew we could concentrate on upper body but I was just so pissed and depressed and feeling sucky. I pushed through and showed up. We did cycling sprints, which my gimpy hind paw seems able to withstand. In the end, I was happy I went. Tomorrow morning I am going to see a physiotherapist for an initial assessment. I'm wondering if the two injuries are related (left foot being connected to the left calf... bone... ish). Derek said maybe something's out of alignment. Maybe. I'm busy checking for lumps, thinking to myself, well, if you have to get cancer, this is the best place for it. Cuz that's how I roll (i.e., neurotically). (No lumps, phewf.)

So that's where I'm at. Hopefully tomorrow I'll get some sort of diagnosis or some treatment or whatever, to figure this crap out, cuz I'm already tired of being an elite athlete.

Jul 20: It didn't take.

Sigh.

Alright, alright, it's not so bad. Mostly I am just supremely frustrated by this recurring sports injury thingy, something I have never really dealt with. I am not an athlete by any stretch, but I guess this is like a micro-dose of how it must feel to be mentally raring to go and having to accept the fact that your body is not in synch with your mind. So you know, naturally, my mind looks to rejoin my body by sidelining the renewed attitude thing. Or something. I don't know.

Last week when I weighed myself, I was coy and did not give up the number because, ugh, it was 156. I just knew that wasn't a real number. So I was diligent all week, just like I said I would be, and by Saturday morning I was 150. Nice. On Sunday I was out at the Acura 10-Miler & 5K with some work colleagues - it was to benefit the Canadian Cancer Society, where I work, so I volunteered to run the 5k as part of a team. So about 20 metres into the run, BOING, my left calf muscle or tendon or whatever the eff is back there causing shit popped out and I had to run the whole thing with this aching calf muscle. Which, dig me, running through the pain. Cut me! Cut me!

Anyway, about that list of vows from last week:

VOW	RESULT
do the 10 minute abs video every day	did it on Monday, did the Awesome Abs class at gym on Tuesday, then... nada
exercise 6 days a week	Mon, Tues, Wed, Sat, Sun - not bad
stop taking weekends off	ummmm
be more label conscious at the supermarket	meh
make a video once a week	nope
sign up for Toronto Island 10k	not done yet; but this will happen, no question
lose 10 pounds before Sep 20	pfffffttt not at this rate
make out with self every day	not even once (sniffle)

This is why I don't set myself goals. How depressing. But I knew I had to get out here and confess or else... shame spiral. In fact, this morning after my cottage cheese and fruit breakfast I ate a whole bag of Kettle Corn. 910 calories. Gulp. I was just feeling rebellious and frustrated, and you know what happens when I get resentful. So, it's back to confessional for me. All I can do is tell you all about it and pray to Holy Oprah, full of grace, to wash away my sins and give me a blank slate to start fresh once again.

I do have a bunch of raw video footage from the 5k which will hopefully be mildly entertaining once I cobble it together. Hopefully get that done some time this week.

Alright, Trigger, get over here so I can get back up on ya. Or... something less stupid and more inspriational. Gah.

PS I am making an appointment this week with a physiotherapist to get my leg looked at. Meantime I've been icing it and stretching it and all that blah, blah, yadda, yadda, so ne worry pas.

Jul 13: Recommitted and it feels so good

It's been roughly six months since I started this blog. I've lost between 10 and 15 pounds, depending when you ask, which is... well, let's face it, not outstanding. On the other hand, I've also run a 10k and I do cardio usually 3-5 times a week, with hour long strength training sessions twice a week, which I can and do consider to be very good, possibly outstanding. I am not really any closer to vanquishing the binge eating habits that have dogged me for most of my adult life, but I am better at accepting my shortcomings and not hating myself for them.

I think it's time for a re-jiggering. Last week the wheels came off the bus a bit. I've been injured (some sort of recurring issue with my left calf - I am going to see a physiotherapist about it, since my benefits package at work covers $500/yr for physio), so I've been slacking a bit on the exercise (haven't run in 2 weeks, though I've done some cardio at the gym). And I've been resentful about not getting to eat anything and everything that strikes my fancy.

So last week I said, okay, have what you fancy. Get it out of your system. Gain a few pounds. And then next week, we begin again, in earnest. Here I am now, raring to go (despite the lingering ache in my left calf; I shall not let it deter me).

My commitment to myself includes the following pledges:

• do the 10 minute abs video every day


• exercise six days a week - aim for 500-600 calories burned in a session


• STOP TAKING THE WHOLE WEEKEND OFF!!!


• start reading labels again and avoid lots of preservatives and junk, especially artificial sweeteners – I think if I stop consuming so much sugar, I will stop craving it so much


• make a video once a week


• sign up for Toronto Island 10k Run, happening Sep 20


• lose 10 pounds before Toronto Island Run


• make out with myself every day, no matter my size

Some of those goals will be tougher than others but I know I am up for it. One of the things that has really been slowing me down is taking the weekends off. I think my compromise from now on will be, on ONE day of the weekend, I can have A meal off. Not the whole day off. We'll see how that goes.

Okay, to kick the whole thing off, a fresh viddie, featuring killer guitar solo! Plus an invitation to any and all to step forward and have yourselves committed! Just sign up in the comments section - we'll keep each other accountable and honest and encouraged and supported.

And if de-elevator tries 2 bring u down...

GO CRAZY!

Jul 9: Resentment

I would have to say one of my greatest obstacles in trying to lose weight is the resentment I feel at having to restrict my diet. It's tricky though. If I give voice to my resentment, it is initially superceded by embarrassment. One in six people in the world are hungry and I'm pissed that I can't eat 5000 calories a day and just enjoy it. I hate it when I catch myself behaving like a spoiled, entitled, ungrateful fatass.

Eventually the liberal guilt triggers the resentment all over again, and I'm a dog chasing my tail until I finally just break down and order pizza and wings. Which is what I did last night.

Jul 3: Methods to the Madness

Like many spoiled westerners (particularly we North Americans) I have been on approximately one bajillion diets since early adolescence. I just thought I'd take a moment and inventory some of the highlights for you:

Weight Watchers: The Classic. I did DubDub for the first time with my mom when I was 14. I remember I weighed in at 142, and I think I lost about 12 pounds before abandoning the program. I've been back many times since then. In 1999 I lost around 25 pounds and briefly possessed the secret password to size 6, but the Skinny Mafia went and changed the locks on me once they caught me stuffing my face whilst nursing a broken heart. (Jerks.)

The Cookie Diet: you know if it sounds too good to be true it usually is. I tried this one back in the early 90s when a girlfriend of mine was trying to make a bit of extra cash by selling these cookies out of her home. I think the active ingredient in them is straw. They add little bits of chalk-olate chips to entice you, but don't be fooled.

Slim Fast: I wonder how many women have a half-empty tin of this shite hidden away somewhere in one of their cupboards? You can say that a liquid meal replacement is filling, but if I don't get to chew and swallow, I'm not gonna feel full and/or satisfied. (I do like the cookie dough meal replacement bars, though. Problem is, I never stop at just one.)

I did NutriSystem with my mom during my final year of university - 1991/92 - and lost 45 pounds. I was 120 and three quarters for about ten minutes. I remember going to Easter dinner at my in-laws' house after I'd reached my goal weight. I ate everything in sight. I ate so much that I poisoned myself. I have never been that sick from eating - I had food coming out of both ends of me that night. (Sorry, you had to read that. It's way better than having to go through it, trust me.) I think going for seven months on this restricted diet may have challenged my body's ability to digest normal food. That's what happens when you don't cheat, yo's.

I tried hypnosis for a few months in the winter of 2002. I liked it because it was geared towards changing my attitude and behaviour around food. I pitched my scale and just decided to focus on eating smaller portions of healthier foods. It worked for a little while but it took a lot of time - I had to go into the centre around 2 or 3 times a week (once a week you have a private session with an actual hypnotherapist, the other times they just put these crazy trippy glasses on you that show some kinda Jefferson Airplane psychedelia, you sit in a deluxe La-Z-Boy and they play a tape by the HypnoGuru, repeating all the rabbit food mantras), plus I had to listen to my hypnosis tape (they taped the weekly personal sessions) every day. It got so I just started falling asleep during the sessions. Another thousand bucks down the drain.

The Master Cleanser a.k.a. "The Lemonade Diet": yes, I really did go without solid food for 10 days straight, back in winter 2003. I still hadn't replaced my scale at that time, so I don't know how much I lost, but my clothes were definitely much looser afterwards. The booklet (pictured) is actually very interesting and apparently this cleanse can be helpful (if you are open to this sort of alternative healing) for a lot more than just weight loss. Basically you consume water mixed with freshly squeezed lemon juice, pure, dark maple syrup and cayenne pepper (for reals) and nothing else. For minimum 10 days. By the end you are fantasizing about gum. It was an interesting experiment but any time I've tried it since, I haven't made it past day 2 or 3.

Jenny Craig: My most recent foray into supporting the diet industry. I've done JC off and on since summer 2003. Up until this past fall, I was on it for 2 or 3 years straight. I actually lost around 30 pounds the last time, and kept it off for a year and a half or so, which is unprecedented for me, only to fall in love and toss the whole moderation thing out the window of a speeding car. Splat... fat. Ah well. I did mention a long time ago that, while I totally get how JC works for a lot of people, ultimately, it was not helping me with the bingeing issue, as it allowed me to forego mindfulness in the kitchen.

Which brings me to my latest (and I'm sure you will all agree) greatest method: blogging. Okay, that's not a weight loss method. The method is actually good old fashioned healthy(ish) eating and regular exercise. But the key has been the accountability and support from all of you. It's really kept me on track, or helped me right myself when I've strayed.

So, anybody out there have any crazy dieting methods they're willing to admit to?

Jun 30: Still 150 After All These Years

Earlier today somebody posted a comment on an old video of mine (technically they are all old videos, I realize, and one of these days I will post a new one). The video is dated March 17 - it's the one where I'm running on the treadmill. In it I mentioned my weight was 153.5. This morning when I weighed myself I was 150. Three months later. I was 149, I know, but then my birthday happened. On Friday there was cake, and another cake, culminating in cake for breakfast on Saturday. And then there were Ruffles, and on Sunday afternoon while the Miaouw napped, I ate three croissants. With margarine. [Why is the 'g' soft in the word "margarine", when it is followed by an 'a'?] [Very deft distraction from the piggery, n'est-ce pas?]

Well anyway, if the birthday derailment happened only once a year, it would be fine, but the truth is, I allow myself to get pretty lax on the weekends and I'm sure that's slowing me down considerably. But then again, I remember three months ago when I was a lot more diligent with my diet and I was frustrated by my slow progress. More frustrated, really because I felt like I was doing everything right and still not getting results.

In my birthday blog, I talked a bit about accepting my demons rather than struggling against them. I guess I sort of feel like that about it. Progress not perfection and all that bestsellerselfhelpspeak. Of course, I'm never completely comfortable with the acceptance business because I am mindful of using this touchy-feely accept myself thing as an excuse to give in to unhealthy habits and feel alright about it. But then when I type that, I think, what's wrong with wanting to feel alright, anyway?

Ultimately this inner dialogue is just a distraction. I know what's good for me and what's not good for me, and I know that occasional indulgences are fine; binges are not. I also know that I'm not done with binge behaviour, and while I am reducing the frequency of the episodes, I still need to be able to forgive myself and move on and not wallow and spiral just because I let the demons have their way when it happens.

Jun 26: Finally, life begins!

Happy Birthday to me! Some thoughts on turning 40:

People have been asking me if I plan to do anything special. My response has just been to shrug and say, whatever. I haven't felt much of anything about it, one way or the other: dread or excitement. But this morning I was lying in bed and I had a bit of panic when I realized that when people ask me how old I am, I will have to say "40". It seemed to trigger that low-level anxiety that's always humming in the background about how I haven't done anything with my life of any import. I think this anxiety is borne of our culture's pre-occupation with individualism, the need to see ourselves as special, unique, different. Some people do it by naming their children Pilot Inspektor, others by broadcasting their thoughts on Twitter every 10 minutes... or, ahem, blogging them. I once had a therapist tell me that my desire to be special was what was making me unhappy. Still puzzling out how to rid myself of that desire. But actually, I am closer to understanding what makes me special. I think what I need to focus on for awhile is what makes everyone else special.

[burrrrp] Okay, moving on from the deeply profound crap.

When I started this weight loss journey back in January, I was looking to my 40th birthday five months away as a short-term goal, hoping to be a lot thinner, to finally fit back into these great capri pants I got a couple years ago, to be able to bask in this accomplishment of getting my weight under control. Well, I am thinner, but not a lot thinner. I weighed in at 149 this morning. The capri pants do up, but just barely. And yet, I bask. I ran 5 miles last night. I can say, as I did when I turned 30, that I am fitter now than I have ever been in my life. I've stopped fighting those demons that have led to my food issues and just sort of accepted them as part of me. That's not the same thing as giving up. It's more like a détente, which is allowing me to find some peace.

Through this amazing thing called the Internet, I've made so many friends across Canada, the United States, and amazingly, the rest of the world. Many have long since moved past this arbitrary marker that we endow with so much meaning, and I see them thriving, relaxed and at peace with themselves, even as they continue with the daily struggles of life. I'm inspired by all of you, reassured that aging is not something to be feared, but something to be embraced. Thank you everyone.

I came thisclose to wearing my tiara to work today, but decided against it. (I do very fondly remember the night I received it, from my home girl Lanie, on the very drunken occasion of my 36th birthday, singing karaoke and doing smash-up derby cheers with far too many screwdrivers.) I settled for my World Wildlife Fund "Hotter Than I Should Be" t-shirt. Avec flair.

Jun 22: Bathroom reading

Warning: This blog contains a non-graphic and fairly benign reminder that sometimes people have a few extra minutes to kill when they are in the bathroom. Reader discretion is advised.

A few months back I very spontaneously bought a book at Shoppers Drug Mart called Eat This, Not That! Supermarket Survival Guide by David Zinczenko and Matt Goulding. If you haven't seen it, it's a very cool paperback that compares brand name products of similar types of prepared foods, advising which products are the healthier choices, or in some cases, the lesser evils.

The book is divided into sections ("Pantry Staples", "Snacks & Sweets", "The Freezer Section", etc.) and also includes a chapter on produce [aside: do you say proh-duce or prah-duce? The Miaouw makes fun of me for saying prah-juce], a recipe/meal plan section, and a food glossary. Here's a sample page comparing "Wholesome Cereals":


The little colour-coded blocks circling the product photos give nutritional information about the product, and the corresponding colours of the blocks inform you which two products are being compared (e.g. the "featured" comparison on this page is between Kashi "Vive" Toasted Graham & Vanilla, which I've never heard of but it sounds awesome, and Kellogg's "Smart Start", which apparently has 10 ingredients that are either sugar or some sort of sweetener).

So anyway, this sucker is ideal for bathroom reading. You can pick it up randomly, flip it open to any page, and get some good supermarket advice and ideas. The Miaouw in particular has been very intrigued to learn about the total lack of food value in some products that are shamelessly promoting themselves with the tell-tale "low fat" (i.e. high sugar) and "lite" labels.

Another recent addition to the royal library is a Canadian fitness magazine that I unwittingly find myself a subscriber to called I Run. I guess I got on their list last October when my mom and I participated in the Toronto Marathon. (We have been walking the half-marathon for 3 or 4 years now. My mom is totally hardcore and walks full marathons, which is awesome.) Anyway, this year there was a promotion and participants were automatically signed up with a one-year subscription. I never would have thought I would have any interest in a magazine about running, but I didn't expect to run a 10k race either.

The magazine features articles about elite level athletes and "regular joes" (the current issue features a profile of [[[shudder]]] Stockwell Day, former leader of the reactionary conservative Reform Party of Canada; I haven't read it yet but I'm sure there will be an opportunity during a particularly satisfying dump). It also has training tips, nutrition advice, travelogues and of course lots of ads for upcoming runs across the country. It's kinda cool, reading this magazine and getting inspired to become better acquainted with a whole different lifestyle and world of possibilities. Who knows, I may re-up my subscription when it expires in the fall.

Jun 16: Cereal killer

There are certain foods that I just can't be trusted to have in my apartment. I'm not talking about the obvious chips-and-chocolate stuff. I'm talking about basic foodstuffs that most normal people keep in a well-stocked pantry to be consumed in single, normal size portions, over several weeks.

For examp, cereal. On Friday night I was heading home from work and I was starving. I felt like I just needed a small burst of carbs to hold me over til dinner, so I picked up a box of Honey Nut Cheerios. A three quarter cup serving is 120 calories. I figured that oughta do the trick - just to munch on, no milk. And it mostly did. But then it tasted so good, I had another three quarter cup serving. Only another 120 calories. I'm still okay. So, what's for dinner? Neither of us felt like cooking. We decided to order sushi for delivery. Bit of a mistake, as it takes an HOUR to deliver. Think I'll just have another sensible portion of Cheerios while I wait...

Sushi arrives and... WHOOPS we ordered WAY TOO MUCH. Oh well, I already blew it by eating a ton of Cheerios... you can see where this is going...

Luckily, as Anne of Green Gables winsomely observed, tomorrow is another day, with no mistakes in it yet. Unfortunately, tomorrow also happened to be Saturday. I got up and had some Cheerios for breakfast. A couple hours later, I had some Cheerios for lunch. Mid-day snack, Cheerios on vanilla ice cream. Etc. Basically, the box was gone by mid-Sunday.

I suppose all of this would be okay if I'd gotten off my ass on the weekend and done a sensible portion of cardio. I haven't worked out since Thursday, this being Tuesday. In addition to my pre-existing condition of chronic laziness, I got thrown off my routine on the weekend - my Saturday appointment at the gym got cancelled because Derek's parents were in town. Whatever, Derek's parents. I hope you're happy.

(I'm going to the gym tonight and doing an hour of cardio, right after work, no excuses.)

Any of you guys have foods you can't have in the house?

Jun 11: I dreamt my guns were bazookas

Hey kiddiewinks!

I'm having a pretty good week, D-Weightedly speaking. Working out hard, eating well, resisting temptations (ALERT! ALERT! Retirement party at work on Tuesday! GAAAAHHH hors d'oeuvres everywhere!!! I ate a damn banana) and this morning my scale is pretending I've lost another pound (149), and I'm just gonna go ahead and believe it.

So yesterday I was brushing my hair in the morning and I looked in the mirror and HOLY GEEZ THERE ARE BULGES COMING OUT OF MY ARMS!!! Check it out, I have muscle tone! Okay fine, I still have flab tone too, but I think the biceps may be starting to gain a bit on the swaying suspension bridges that are my underarms. I recreated the image this morning for you so you can bask in my success yourselves:

Anyway, I was at the gym last night and telling Derek about this minor success, and he referred to these strange bulges as my "guns". I'm like, my GUNS! I have GUNS! I retorted, "My lovely lady guns!" It was all v. exciting.

So last night I had this crazy dream that my biceps were no longer these subtle, shapely, sexy arm humps, but had turned into freakish Swanson's Hungry Man biceps, like I'm a competitive lumberjack or an Olympic rower or... I don't know... a man. I flexed and they had this cartoonish reaction. It was weird and a little disconcerting. Michelle Obama's arms don't do that. So I think I'm gonna have to watch it. No steroids for me.

Jun 9: Spite pays off!

So last night I was due for a run. I almost didn't go, but that's pretty typical. Sometimes I think that getting myself downstairs for a run is all about waiting for an opening in mood traffic. There are certain breaks in the steady stream of laziness that periodically present themselves in an evening, and if you don't step on the gas right then and there, you're gonna be stuck on the couch for the rest of the night.

Anyway, I made my way downstairs and figured I'd run for half an hour or so, and do some light weights, and just feel good about the fact I went at all, rather than push myself to do a lengthy run.

Well I got to the fitness room, and there was a guy in there already. He was adjusting the TV so that it faced the treadmill. Nuts. I asked him if he was using the treadmill and he said "No". I'm like, really? Okay. I took him at his word, and went about my business. I started up the treadmill, which is pretty loud, and suggested he might want to turn up the volume. He was watching Ultimate Fighting Champions or something. And he was standing RIGHTNEXT to me. He said no, no, and then he gestured toward a woman in the hallway who was on the phone, which to me seemed to indicate that he was waiting for her, and wouldn't be there long? I don't know. I shrugged and got on with my run.

Minutes passed. And yet more minutes. I was having a decent run - averaging 5.5 mph (I've been trying to gradually get my average running speed up, as much as my heart and lungs can take, anyway). I kept looking out at the woman on the phone and willing her to shut the eff up and get off the phone so this guy standing RIGHTNEXT to me watching UFC while I huffed and puffed and produced a downpour of sweat (should have shook myself out like a dog) would LEAVE ALREADY. I delayed my walking break for as long as I felt okay about it - after 2 miles, most of it run at 5.5 mph, I slowed down for a break. Actually, I pushed myself a lot longer than I have in the past when running that speed, mostly out of some sort of resentment of this guy's presence. I don't know.

Anyway, after around half an hour, the woman hung up and wandered down the hall - didn't look into the fitness room to summon the guy next to me or anything, and he didn't budge. He's standing there, just watching TV, RIGHTEFFINGNEXT to me. FUCK! I started to wonder if maybe he DID want to use the treadmill and was just too polite to say so? Which bugged me! I don't know, maybe I should have felt bad, but instead I was irritated. So I just kept running, to spite the guy. I'm such an asshole. But hey man, that's how I roll.

It turned into an epic battle of wills. I'm sorry to say that eventually, I caved. But I ran for 53 minutes instead of 30, powered by spite. And then I took my time doing my warm down and stretches, and all the while, this guy continued standing next to the treadmill, watching UFC. I'd considered sticking around to do some weights, just to see if he would eventually climb on the treadmill, or would be too embarrassed to do so after pretending he didn't want to use it, but I decided I was crazy and at some point, there had to be a victor. So I let him win. Sort of. I mean, what the hell?

Meh. Whatever works, baby!

Jun 8: Progress report(s)

Okay, vacation weight has been banished to... um... hey, where does the fat go when we get rid of it? Is there another Lindsay in a parallel universe who just keeps getting fatter? Would that also mean there is a super-skinny Lindsay universe too, who sacrifices fat every time I gain weight? I guess that would mean I'm the Jerry Seinfeld Lindsay: even Steven.

Anyway! So yeah, at last check, my weight is at 150 which means I can say that I have lost 15 pounds in total since January. I am trying hard not to refer to this number sheepishly, because I feel like it should be a lot higher. And it would be, if I didn't keep veering off course with my eating habits. But you know, I'm still here, right? I'm still working out regularly. And I am still a person who struggles with binge eating disorder, so, hellz, 15 pounds is a-okay. I decided last week that I'd like to be 10 pounds less than I was on May 3 (the date I ran the Sporting Life 10k), when I run the Toronto Island 10k in the fall. So I have 8 pounds to go, which at my current rate is an achievable goal.

I need to make another video, I know. I haven't bothered with measurments for awhile because they haven't changed. But I can still make a video, just for shits 'n' gigs and to liven things up around here.

So, how are y'all doing? Making progress? In a holding pattern? Gaining? Feeling okay? Feeling frustrated? Avoiding feeling? Share, if you can or want. I think it helps everyone to know they're not alone, or to be inspired by those who are in a good place.

Jun 1: So much for that idea

Uuuuhhh, hi.

So, yeah. Guess I'll be busting my hump 3 times a week with Derek for the next month. Heh.

I did try ... sort of... Okay, on Saturday morning in Vancouver, I got up early(ish), got into my workout clothes, went downstairs to the front desk at the crap-ass hotel (a near-constant comedy of errors) and asked where the fitness room was. No such thing, I was told. I could have sworn I saw pictures of it on the internet when I was booking the hotel.

So, I walked outside the hotel, looked around at the busy road and unknown area... aaaannnd... went upstairs and back to bed.

This sort of set the tone for the week to come. Ate my face off, sat around a lot, etc. Although, while in Vancouver with our friends, we did get out and about a lot. On Saturday we walked for the better part of 5 hours (at a leisurely snail-on-vacation's pace, so I didn't count it towards Derek's challenge). On Sunday, we went for a hike at Lynn Canyon that did feature a brief burst of aerobic activity when we climbed out of the canyon. But it was brief enough that I wouldn't feel right counting that day either.

On Wednesday, while visiting Dylan in Washington state, I got up at 6:45 and went to yoga with her. I even sweated! It was a 45 minute class and afterward we walked the dog for 20 minutes, so I'm gonna count that one. Thanks, Dylan!

After that, we were in the car for 12 hour days, and then crashing at the hotels we checked into, usually around 11:00 p.m. or so. We never even got up in time for the free breakfasts, let alone for me to get out and get some exercise in.

Also, I pretty much just said eff you cee kay it to the eating right business. Well, we did buy a veggie tray, some bananas and apples on Wednesday that I nibbled on in the car. And I got a disgusting salad one night for dinner at Crapplebee's. The next night we opted for KFC. Shudder. Sorry everybody. Je suis epic fail.

Yesterday I planned to run for an hour. I even told the Miaouw that I was getting ready to go for a run, at around 2. Instead I went for a nap. Did not get out of my PJs all day. This is embarrassing. Why do I tell you guys this stuff?

Anyway, back on track today. Dreading the weigh in on Wednesday, but it will be good to get honest and know where I stand.

How did y'all do last week? Lane? I hope you did better than me!

May 22: Derek's Throwdown

So as of 4:31 p.m. today, I am on vacation. (... right; s'pose I should wait til then to write a new blog...)

I'm flying out to the Couve, where I shall meet my Miaouw for nine days of adventure. We are visiting the fabulous Chico and his mysterious Lady N, my Nana, and the beloved Dylan, driving through some of Canada's most beautiful scenery, and leaving a trail of mayhem and rubble in our wake. WORD!

Normally I get tortured twice a week by Derek, on Wednesdays and Saturdays. Since I'm leaving tonight, I thought I'd be getting by this week with just the one session on the rack. However, Master Pain very helpfully offered to abuse me on Thursday instead of Saturday. So on Wednesday we did upper body and last night we did legs and core and today I am feeling it.

So anyway... Derek asked me what my plan was for my vacation. I'm like, sit on my ass in the car and eat chips? Wrong answer. He says I have to do a one hour workout of similar intensity to what I do with him, FOUR times while I'm away. If I don't, he says he's gonna make me come in three times a week, instead of two, for the next four weeks, to make up for it. Meanwhile, I am paying this twerp for the extra sessions. But whatever. I loves me a throwdown.

We're staying at a HoJo's while in Vancouver (just the weekend), so I plan to work out for an hour in the fitness room on Saturday and Sunday. After that, I'm thinking strenuous hikes with the Miaouw a couple of times ought to do the trick. Failing that, I might go running.

So who's with me? Come on you schlubs! Help me out, help yourselves out! Pledge to get busy 4 times between now and next Sunday! Report back here! I will check in with you and we will hold each other accountable! Let's stick it to Derek!

Chall-anj!