It's been a little while. I like to keep you in suspense. Currently I am in my early summer shame spiral. It's an annual event for this time of year. Not feeling too shamey, I am happy to report. Here's the sitch: my birthday is June 26. This year, the festivities started a little early. We had pre-birthday birthday week eatings. Then there were the birthday eatings. Not too bad this year, actually. This was followed by a couple of days of post-birthday eatings. Oops. Next thing you know, it's June 30 and I'm on a plane out to my Nana's for 4 days of family eatings. I made fair-to-middling attempts to keep the sabotage light and airy, like a buttery croissant. Getting drunk those two nights didn't help. Ah, WTF. It's family. I'm supposed to endure it sober?So anyway. I came back on Sunday morning this week. Red-eye. I went to bed when I got home, and when I woke up later I felt like, hmmm... not done eating yet. So this week has been total baron munchausen. I haven't weighed myself since before I left for my Nana's - a week ago, come to think. I keep thinking I can still rescue this trainwreck, get rid of at least the water retention numbers before I get weighed on Saturday. But then I start to feel reckless. But then I see myself in the mirror. But then I think of chocolate. But then my pants are not as roomy. You can see my dilemma!
Anyway, slightly off the rails at this point. I just ate a 235 gram bag of Salt and Vinegar chips, here in my office at work. The bag was hidden from view in one of my canvas grocery bags. I was sneaking handfuls out. (SECRET EATING!!! The best kind for obsessive eaters such as I!) Alas, my tongue feels like it went for a swim in the Dead Sea. This gives new meaning to the term "salty tongue". Fuck, yeah!!!
Later dudes. Enjoy the summer shame spiral.
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Lindsay, I think we all have to have those "shame spirals" sometimes, or even periodically, even predictably, somewhat, and that they shouldn't even be called "shame spirals." I was doing really well in my eating plan (I hesitate to call it a diet), not eating that healthfully but very mindful of every morsel. And losing weight. Suddenly I feel myself drawn to pizza, to chocolate chip cookies, to that pint of coffee Haagen Dazs I broke down and bought for the freezer, to the fantastic burgers from Dumont Burger . . . I fear the results, but today I said, within some control, this is just part of the process for me, and for you, too, I bet, and not to be feel shameful about it.
ReplyDeleteMaybe I am taking you too literally, something I am wont to do on a frequent basis, with many people.
I am glad you had a great birthday celebration, and more important, that you are taking important strides forwards in your health, even in the moments that you wish would go away or stay hidden. (I hope that makes sense.)
Much love to you, Linnyqat. xox
Diane and, of course, Abbyqat, who has been with me almost 10 months.
Diane, I'm so sorry I never replied to this message! Probably a by-product of the shame spiral. Well I am happily out of that now.
ReplyDeleteI totally agree with you that this is part of the process. At least, for me it is. Living in post modern times is a psychic drain for even the most self-actualized among us. It is natural to seek escape, in whatever form that takes. Knowing this helps to diminish the shameful feelings I associate with it. I think for a long time I thought of it as a total failure on my part, a desperate character flaw. Lately I am more relaxed about it, more accepting of myself. Not completely, but I have more perspective than I once did.
Thanks for reaching out. It's always so good to know we're not alone!