Jun 30: Still 150 After All These Years

Earlier today somebody posted a comment on an old video of mine (technically they are all old videos, I realize, and one of these days I will post a new one). The video is dated March 17 - it's the one where I'm running on the treadmill. In it I mentioned my weight was 153.5. This morning when I weighed myself I was 150. Three months later. I was 149, I know, but then my birthday happened. On Friday there was cake, and another cake, culminating in cake for breakfast on Saturday. And then there were Ruffles, and on Sunday afternoon while the Miaouw napped, I ate three croissants. With margarine. [Why is the 'g' soft in the word "margarine", when it is followed by an 'a'?] [Very deft distraction from the piggery, n'est-ce pas?]

Well anyway, if the birthday derailment happened only once a year, it would be fine, but the truth is, I allow myself to get pretty lax on the weekends and I'm sure that's slowing me down considerably. But then again, I remember three months ago when I was a lot more diligent with my diet and I was frustrated by my slow progress. More frustrated, really because I felt like I was doing everything right and still not getting results.

In my birthday blog, I talked a bit about accepting my demons rather than struggling against them. I guess I sort of feel like that about it. Progress not perfection and all that bestsellerselfhelpspeak. Of course, I'm never completely comfortable with the acceptance business because I am mindful of using this touchy-feely accept myself thing as an excuse to give in to unhealthy habits and feel alright about it. But then when I type that, I think, what's wrong with wanting to feel alright, anyway?

Ultimately this inner dialogue is just a distraction. I know what's good for me and what's not good for me, and I know that occasional indulgences are fine; binges are not. I also know that I'm not done with binge behaviour, and while I am reducing the frequency of the episodes, I still need to be able to forgive myself and move on and not wallow and spiral just because I let the demons have their way when it happens.

Jun 26: Finally, life begins!

Happy Birthday to me! Some thoughts on turning 40:

People have been asking me if I plan to do anything special. My response has just been to shrug and say, whatever. I haven't felt much of anything about it, one way or the other: dread or excitement. But this morning I was lying in bed and I had a bit of panic when I realized that when people ask me how old I am, I will have to say "40". It seemed to trigger that low-level anxiety that's always humming in the background about how I haven't done anything with my life of any import. I think this anxiety is borne of our culture's pre-occupation with individualism, the need to see ourselves as special, unique, different. Some people do it by naming their children Pilot Inspektor, others by broadcasting their thoughts on Twitter every 10 minutes... or, ahem, blogging them. I once had a therapist tell me that my desire to be special was what was making me unhappy. Still puzzling out how to rid myself of that desire. But actually, I am closer to understanding what makes me special. I think what I need to focus on for awhile is what makes everyone else special.

[burrrrp] Okay, moving on from the deeply profound crap.

When I started this weight loss journey back in January, I was looking to my 40th birthday five months away as a short-term goal, hoping to be a lot thinner, to finally fit back into these great capri pants I got a couple years ago, to be able to bask in this accomplishment of getting my weight under control. Well, I am thinner, but not a lot thinner. I weighed in at 149 this morning. The capri pants do up, but just barely. And yet, I bask. I ran 5 miles last night. I can say, as I did when I turned 30, that I am fitter now than I have ever been in my life. I've stopped fighting those demons that have led to my food issues and just sort of accepted them as part of me. That's not the same thing as giving up. It's more like a détente, which is allowing me to find some peace.

Through this amazing thing called the Internet, I've made so many friends across Canada, the United States, and amazingly, the rest of the world. Many have long since moved past this arbitrary marker that we endow with so much meaning, and I see them thriving, relaxed and at peace with themselves, even as they continue with the daily struggles of life. I'm inspired by all of you, reassured that aging is not something to be feared, but something to be embraced. Thank you everyone.

I came thisclose to wearing my tiara to work today, but decided against it. (I do very fondly remember the night I received it, from my home girl Lanie, on the very drunken occasion of my 36th birthday, singing karaoke and doing smash-up derby cheers with far too many screwdrivers.) I settled for my World Wildlife Fund "Hotter Than I Should Be" t-shirt. Avec flair.

Jun 22: Bathroom reading

Warning: This blog contains a non-graphic and fairly benign reminder that sometimes people have a few extra minutes to kill when they are in the bathroom. Reader discretion is advised.

A few months back I very spontaneously bought a book at Shoppers Drug Mart called Eat This, Not That! Supermarket Survival Guide by David Zinczenko and Matt Goulding. If you haven't seen it, it's a very cool paperback that compares brand name products of similar types of prepared foods, advising which products are the healthier choices, or in some cases, the lesser evils.

The book is divided into sections ("Pantry Staples", "Snacks & Sweets", "The Freezer Section", etc.) and also includes a chapter on produce [aside: do you say proh-duce or prah-duce? The Miaouw makes fun of me for saying prah-juce], a recipe/meal plan section, and a food glossary. Here's a sample page comparing "Wholesome Cereals":


The little colour-coded blocks circling the product photos give nutritional information about the product, and the corresponding colours of the blocks inform you which two products are being compared (e.g. the "featured" comparison on this page is between Kashi "Vive" Toasted Graham & Vanilla, which I've never heard of but it sounds awesome, and Kellogg's "Smart Start", which apparently has 10 ingredients that are either sugar or some sort of sweetener).

So anyway, this sucker is ideal for bathroom reading. You can pick it up randomly, flip it open to any page, and get some good supermarket advice and ideas. The Miaouw in particular has been very intrigued to learn about the total lack of food value in some products that are shamelessly promoting themselves with the tell-tale "low fat" (i.e. high sugar) and "lite" labels.

Another recent addition to the royal library is a Canadian fitness magazine that I unwittingly find myself a subscriber to called I Run. I guess I got on their list last October when my mom and I participated in the Toronto Marathon. (We have been walking the half-marathon for 3 or 4 years now. My mom is totally hardcore and walks full marathons, which is awesome.) Anyway, this year there was a promotion and participants were automatically signed up with a one-year subscription. I never would have thought I would have any interest in a magazine about running, but I didn't expect to run a 10k race either.

The magazine features articles about elite level athletes and "regular joes" (the current issue features a profile of [[[shudder]]] Stockwell Day, former leader of the reactionary conservative Reform Party of Canada; I haven't read it yet but I'm sure there will be an opportunity during a particularly satisfying dump). It also has training tips, nutrition advice, travelogues and of course lots of ads for upcoming runs across the country. It's kinda cool, reading this magazine and getting inspired to become better acquainted with a whole different lifestyle and world of possibilities. Who knows, I may re-up my subscription when it expires in the fall.

Jun 16: Cereal killer

There are certain foods that I just can't be trusted to have in my apartment. I'm not talking about the obvious chips-and-chocolate stuff. I'm talking about basic foodstuffs that most normal people keep in a well-stocked pantry to be consumed in single, normal size portions, over several weeks.

For examp, cereal. On Friday night I was heading home from work and I was starving. I felt like I just needed a small burst of carbs to hold me over til dinner, so I picked up a box of Honey Nut Cheerios. A three quarter cup serving is 120 calories. I figured that oughta do the trick - just to munch on, no milk. And it mostly did. But then it tasted so good, I had another three quarter cup serving. Only another 120 calories. I'm still okay. So, what's for dinner? Neither of us felt like cooking. We decided to order sushi for delivery. Bit of a mistake, as it takes an HOUR to deliver. Think I'll just have another sensible portion of Cheerios while I wait...

Sushi arrives and... WHOOPS we ordered WAY TOO MUCH. Oh well, I already blew it by eating a ton of Cheerios... you can see where this is going...

Luckily, as Anne of Green Gables winsomely observed, tomorrow is another day, with no mistakes in it yet. Unfortunately, tomorrow also happened to be Saturday. I got up and had some Cheerios for breakfast. A couple hours later, I had some Cheerios for lunch. Mid-day snack, Cheerios on vanilla ice cream. Etc. Basically, the box was gone by mid-Sunday.

I suppose all of this would be okay if I'd gotten off my ass on the weekend and done a sensible portion of cardio. I haven't worked out since Thursday, this being Tuesday. In addition to my pre-existing condition of chronic laziness, I got thrown off my routine on the weekend - my Saturday appointment at the gym got cancelled because Derek's parents were in town. Whatever, Derek's parents. I hope you're happy.

(I'm going to the gym tonight and doing an hour of cardio, right after work, no excuses.)

Any of you guys have foods you can't have in the house?

Jun 11: I dreamt my guns were bazookas

Hey kiddiewinks!

I'm having a pretty good week, D-Weightedly speaking. Working out hard, eating well, resisting temptations (ALERT! ALERT! Retirement party at work on Tuesday! GAAAAHHH hors d'oeuvres everywhere!!! I ate a damn banana) and this morning my scale is pretending I've lost another pound (149), and I'm just gonna go ahead and believe it.

So yesterday I was brushing my hair in the morning and I looked in the mirror and HOLY GEEZ THERE ARE BULGES COMING OUT OF MY ARMS!!! Check it out, I have muscle tone! Okay fine, I still have flab tone too, but I think the biceps may be starting to gain a bit on the swaying suspension bridges that are my underarms. I recreated the image this morning for you so you can bask in my success yourselves:

Anyway, I was at the gym last night and telling Derek about this minor success, and he referred to these strange bulges as my "guns". I'm like, my GUNS! I have GUNS! I retorted, "My lovely lady guns!" It was all v. exciting.

So last night I had this crazy dream that my biceps were no longer these subtle, shapely, sexy arm humps, but had turned into freakish Swanson's Hungry Man biceps, like I'm a competitive lumberjack or an Olympic rower or... I don't know... a man. I flexed and they had this cartoonish reaction. It was weird and a little disconcerting. Michelle Obama's arms don't do that. So I think I'm gonna have to watch it. No steroids for me.

Jun 9: Spite pays off!

So last night I was due for a run. I almost didn't go, but that's pretty typical. Sometimes I think that getting myself downstairs for a run is all about waiting for an opening in mood traffic. There are certain breaks in the steady stream of laziness that periodically present themselves in an evening, and if you don't step on the gas right then and there, you're gonna be stuck on the couch for the rest of the night.

Anyway, I made my way downstairs and figured I'd run for half an hour or so, and do some light weights, and just feel good about the fact I went at all, rather than push myself to do a lengthy run.

Well I got to the fitness room, and there was a guy in there already. He was adjusting the TV so that it faced the treadmill. Nuts. I asked him if he was using the treadmill and he said "No". I'm like, really? Okay. I took him at his word, and went about my business. I started up the treadmill, which is pretty loud, and suggested he might want to turn up the volume. He was watching Ultimate Fighting Champions or something. And he was standing RIGHTNEXT to me. He said no, no, and then he gestured toward a woman in the hallway who was on the phone, which to me seemed to indicate that he was waiting for her, and wouldn't be there long? I don't know. I shrugged and got on with my run.

Minutes passed. And yet more minutes. I was having a decent run - averaging 5.5 mph (I've been trying to gradually get my average running speed up, as much as my heart and lungs can take, anyway). I kept looking out at the woman on the phone and willing her to shut the eff up and get off the phone so this guy standing RIGHTNEXT to me watching UFC while I huffed and puffed and produced a downpour of sweat (should have shook myself out like a dog) would LEAVE ALREADY. I delayed my walking break for as long as I felt okay about it - after 2 miles, most of it run at 5.5 mph, I slowed down for a break. Actually, I pushed myself a lot longer than I have in the past when running that speed, mostly out of some sort of resentment of this guy's presence. I don't know.

Anyway, after around half an hour, the woman hung up and wandered down the hall - didn't look into the fitness room to summon the guy next to me or anything, and he didn't budge. He's standing there, just watching TV, RIGHTEFFINGNEXT to me. FUCK! I started to wonder if maybe he DID want to use the treadmill and was just too polite to say so? Which bugged me! I don't know, maybe I should have felt bad, but instead I was irritated. So I just kept running, to spite the guy. I'm such an asshole. But hey man, that's how I roll.

It turned into an epic battle of wills. I'm sorry to say that eventually, I caved. But I ran for 53 minutes instead of 30, powered by spite. And then I took my time doing my warm down and stretches, and all the while, this guy continued standing next to the treadmill, watching UFC. I'd considered sticking around to do some weights, just to see if he would eventually climb on the treadmill, or would be too embarrassed to do so after pretending he didn't want to use it, but I decided I was crazy and at some point, there had to be a victor. So I let him win. Sort of. I mean, what the hell?

Meh. Whatever works, baby!

Jun 8: Progress report(s)

Okay, vacation weight has been banished to... um... hey, where does the fat go when we get rid of it? Is there another Lindsay in a parallel universe who just keeps getting fatter? Would that also mean there is a super-skinny Lindsay universe too, who sacrifices fat every time I gain weight? I guess that would mean I'm the Jerry Seinfeld Lindsay: even Steven.

Anyway! So yeah, at last check, my weight is at 150 which means I can say that I have lost 15 pounds in total since January. I am trying hard not to refer to this number sheepishly, because I feel like it should be a lot higher. And it would be, if I didn't keep veering off course with my eating habits. But you know, I'm still here, right? I'm still working out regularly. And I am still a person who struggles with binge eating disorder, so, hellz, 15 pounds is a-okay. I decided last week that I'd like to be 10 pounds less than I was on May 3 (the date I ran the Sporting Life 10k), when I run the Toronto Island 10k in the fall. So I have 8 pounds to go, which at my current rate is an achievable goal.

I need to make another video, I know. I haven't bothered with measurments for awhile because they haven't changed. But I can still make a video, just for shits 'n' gigs and to liven things up around here.

So, how are y'all doing? Making progress? In a holding pattern? Gaining? Feeling okay? Feeling frustrated? Avoiding feeling? Share, if you can or want. I think it helps everyone to know they're not alone, or to be inspired by those who are in a good place.

Jun 1: So much for that idea

Uuuuhhh, hi.

So, yeah. Guess I'll be busting my hump 3 times a week with Derek for the next month. Heh.

I did try ... sort of... Okay, on Saturday morning in Vancouver, I got up early(ish), got into my workout clothes, went downstairs to the front desk at the crap-ass hotel (a near-constant comedy of errors) and asked where the fitness room was. No such thing, I was told. I could have sworn I saw pictures of it on the internet when I was booking the hotel.

So, I walked outside the hotel, looked around at the busy road and unknown area... aaaannnd... went upstairs and back to bed.

This sort of set the tone for the week to come. Ate my face off, sat around a lot, etc. Although, while in Vancouver with our friends, we did get out and about a lot. On Saturday we walked for the better part of 5 hours (at a leisurely snail-on-vacation's pace, so I didn't count it towards Derek's challenge). On Sunday, we went for a hike at Lynn Canyon that did feature a brief burst of aerobic activity when we climbed out of the canyon. But it was brief enough that I wouldn't feel right counting that day either.

On Wednesday, while visiting Dylan in Washington state, I got up at 6:45 and went to yoga with her. I even sweated! It was a 45 minute class and afterward we walked the dog for 20 minutes, so I'm gonna count that one. Thanks, Dylan!

After that, we were in the car for 12 hour days, and then crashing at the hotels we checked into, usually around 11:00 p.m. or so. We never even got up in time for the free breakfasts, let alone for me to get out and get some exercise in.

Also, I pretty much just said eff you cee kay it to the eating right business. Well, we did buy a veggie tray, some bananas and apples on Wednesday that I nibbled on in the car. And I got a disgusting salad one night for dinner at Crapplebee's. The next night we opted for KFC. Shudder. Sorry everybody. Je suis epic fail.

Yesterday I planned to run for an hour. I even told the Miaouw that I was getting ready to go for a run, at around 2. Instead I went for a nap. Did not get out of my PJs all day. This is embarrassing. Why do I tell you guys this stuff?

Anyway, back on track today. Dreading the weigh in on Wednesday, but it will be good to get honest and know where I stand.

How did y'all do last week? Lane? I hope you did better than me!