D-Weighted

Jan 27: I'm still here (in more ways than one)

2012-01-27T13:27:00.001-05:00

Greetings fat sympathizers!

It has been too long, n'estle's-pas? Well, not to get all insecure or whatever, but I was starting to get a feeling like, meeehhh, we, teh internet, are losing interest in you losing weight. I didn't take it personally. It has been nearly a century since I started this thing. Initially I had plans to talk about lots of related topics like mindful eating, body image, depression and food... stuff like that. After awhile though, it seemed like I was just posting an update once in awhile of how much weight I'd lost that week. Felt like things was gittin stale.

In the meantime, my boyfriend set up a blog for me as a Christmas gift this year, where I could write about all kinds of stuff, not just weight loss. Check it out, if you like: The Green Couch (yes, the very same). I've had fun filling it with musings about stupid stuff.

But I find that I miss my old friend, D-Weighted! And it's not like I've given up on the struggle. (If that's the only prerequisite to maintaining this, I'll be posting new content well into the next century, assuming modern medicine continues to find ways to drag life out.) So, an update!

As per subject line, I am still here. I checked my last blog, from September 22. My weight then was 149.8. Four months later, my weight is now 148.2. Argh. Well, I did manage to get down to 144, but then Christmas happened. After Christmas, there was Christmas recovery. I basically indulged in a very old coping mechanism of shutting down and stuffing down. Feelings and food. So I gained around 10 pounds. Lost the first 5 in a week, so it was really only a net gain of 5. But as we all know, it comes off a lot slower than it goes on. So I am doing my best to let go of my disappointment in myself and just look forward. Continue with a lifestyle that has been working well for me, chipping away at the wobbly bits.

By the way, I more or less completed the C25K program and ran the 5K race at the end of October (that's me on race day). My time was 33:52. Not exactly ssssmokin, but I got 'er done. If you double it, it's close to my best time ever for the 10K race.

Also, I got these stupid Zaggora Hot Pants, which I blogged about on The Green Couch. Despite my sheepish after-the-fact belief that this is most likely a scam, I am giving them a go. As they are weight loss related, I will do a follow-up blog here on D-Weighted sometime in the future. If for no other reason than to continue to provide L-Mac with material with which to mock me.

Sep 22: Break on through to the other side!

2011-09-22T12:27:00.004-04:00

Well good gracious you adorable weblets!

This week, a significant milestone: re-entry into the 140s zone. Whoa, nelly it's been ages since I've been here. Place looks pretty much the same way I left it. Put on some old size 12 pants this a.m. and they not only fit, they were comfortably roomy. Ladies and gentleman, we have reached the closet re-integration stage. I am starting to wear stuff I haven't even looked at in 3 years. Flipside is, I tried to wear a skirt I bought in January and it was resting on my hips. Nice skirt, too. Ah well, these are problems I don't mind having

So yeah. Lost 2.8 in the last 2 weeks, putting me at 149.8. I love that - just barely teetering on the side of the 140s, but hellz, I'll take it. This is the lowest I have been since starting this blog so I'm feeling pretty optimistic

The C25K thing is fantastic. I'm in week 5 now, which is run 5 mins, walk 3, run 5, walk 3, run 5. Next week I have to run 8 mins. And then all of a sudden it jumps to running 25, with no walk breaks. WTF? I am trying not to panic at the thought of it. I've been doing a 5k run on a treadmill once a week, in addition to the three outdoor runs with the C25K app, so I can be ready for my 5K run at the end of October. My cardio/lung capacity is definitely improving, and I think the extra exercise may be boosting my metabolism too.

I celebrated by buying new shoes.

Sep 1: Unprecedented!

2011-09-01T10:06:00.012-04:00

Good Thursday, you chubby delights!

I am back from a week of fellowshipping with some of the great people of our time. Shout out to Snag, Marathon Jan, Pants, LuckyDawg, the girls, and of course, the Big Miaouw.

I am also back from the typically dreaded post-vacation weigh in at Dub Dub. You'd better sit down for this. Not only did I NOT gain weight, not only did I LOSE the extra 1.2 pounds that had ignorantly crept back onto my child-bearing hips that have never borne any creatures... in fact I lost 2.2 pounds! OUTSTANDING!

I had a really full 11 days of vacation, starting with a visit to the Canadian National Exhibition with the Miaouw. We indulged in a plate of what I can only describe as "primal" french fries, then wandered the infamous Food Building, aghast and yet drooling at the excess surrounding us.

We had planned to emulate Templeton the Rat from Charlotte's Web, but found we just didn't have the (expandable) stomach for it. So we skipped the donut cheeseburger, the deep fried peanut butter and jam sandwiches, and we even managed to say no to the deep fried butter. This towering show of strength, combined with about 3.5 hours of walking, resulted in actual weight loss the following morning. What a way to start the vacation!

I spent a couple of days in Kingston, visiting with my oldest and dearest fwiend, Snag, and my mom. Counted my points, went out for Week 2, Day 1 C25K run. Proceeded to a few days in New York with beloved Pants and her two beautiful daughters. Went out for Week 2, Day 2 run (with the Miaouw in tow!) on a trail through the beautiful Rockefeller State Park Preserve where we saw 5 deer. Delightful!

Hurricane Irene kept me in New York a couple days longer than expected, and at that point, I confess, I stopped tracking my points, and I didn't do my Week 2, Day 3 run. But I didn't go apeshit or anything. I probably was a few points over for the whole week, including using up my activity points, but it was well worth it. Seriously guys, I ate pizza, Indian, Mexican, and even McDonald's in a moment of desperation during travel. Hard to believe I still lost weight.

This week I am repeating Week 2 of the C25K, just to get back into my routine. So far so good.

I am now .4 pounds away from a 30 pound weight loss. Right on!

Aug 16: Operation GOMA

2011-08-16T09:07:00.005-04:00

Well hello there, patrons of the arse!

As you may have ascertained, I've had a tumultuous, on-again off-again relationship with running. Yes, I have completed the Sporting Life 10k run three times. But almost all of my training for the event in the past has been indoors, on a treadmill. I have gotten to a point of being pretty comfortable running on a treadmill, for an hour with only a few walking breaks [disclaimer: nowhere near that level of fitness at present]. But I have never been comfortable running outside. I get wheezy and asthmatic and zooming heart rate within 4-5 minutes, and the whole thing is pain and un-fun. I want to run next year's 10k in personal best time, and not have to walk more than I run in the last 5k. I know I need to learn how to run outside if I want to achieve that goal.

So around a month and a half ago, I purchased the C25K mobile app for my iPod Touch. For those not in the know, C25K stands for "couch to 5km run". This is a 9 week program that's meant to guide green couch afficionados from zero movement to running 30 minutes or 5 kilometres continuously. The idea is to gradually increase the amount of time spent running between walking breaks. You commit to going out three times a week for just a half an hour.

In week 1, you're out for 31 minutes: a five minute brisk walk warm up (not even running!) followed by 21 minutes of running for 1 minute, walking for 90 seconds, and then another five minute walk at the end to cool down. I mean, you get to walk for longer than you have to run! Soooooold!

The mobile app makes it super easy. You create a playlist (one thing I dislike; cannot just import a playlist from iTunes - you have to add each song to your playlist from within the app, one at a time) and press go. A little bell rings and a man or woman's voice tells you every time you have to switch from walking to running. The clock counts down for you how much longer you have to go before you switch. Your music plays throughout. You just do what you're told and before you know it the half hour is up. Easy!

So what's the deal with buying the app six weeks ago and not doing anything with it? Erm, well? Yeah, that.

Anyway, I've been really inspired by my girl Dylan, who's been doing the C25K for about 2 months now. In fact it was her regular postings to her Facebook page, every time she completed one of the runs, that got me thinking I should look into this. And it's really amazing to hear from her that she's running for half an hour at a time now. Wow!

Also truly inspiring is the progress made by the ever-awesome L-Mac2, who completed the Acura 10 mile [16k] run on Sunday, and is planning to run her first ever half marathon in October. Holy shiza! These women! Are fantastic! And they are inspiring me every day to Git. Off. Mah. Ass.

Yesterday I decided I would do it. And I realized I needed to hold myself to it by creating a threat of pain and consequences for myself if I didn't follow through, or ultimate triumph if when I do. So I signed up for the Toronto Women's 5k run in Sunnybrook Park on October 29. No turning back!

I completed Week 1, Day 1 of the C25K program last night to celebrate.

Aug 10: BOOBS!

2011-08-09T10:59:00.008-04:00

Oy. OY! Back off you salivating, stampeding horde! Disgusting.

Yes, today's topic is boobs. Breasts, for the purists. I've had 'em for 30 years and still feel weird referring to them by their Christian name. (Same way I always feel a little fraudulent calling myself a "woman", despite all the empowerment slogans out there, or more likely because of them.)

Well anyway, mine are boobs. I mentioned last blog that I think of mine disparagingly (the term was "fucking huge"), which caught the eye of a couple of friendly commenters. From the anything-but-typical lone wolf came the fairly typical response of "hey, what's to complain about?" And you know, far be it from me to complain about stuff. But okay, twist my arm. Except please don't because the resulting back-arching will only make them stick out more.

I have never liked my boobs. Not when they were little knobs sprouting up from the smooth planarity of my youthful chest, not a couple years later when, shopping for a grade 8 graduation dress, they bulged out of all corners of my no-longer-sufficient bra, leading my mother to astutely observe that it was time for a new bra. Not in my teenage years, when you would think if your boobs are ever gonna sit up straight on their own, this would be the time. (Alas, no.)

They are too big. They are quite heavy. The shape is not so much spherical as oval. They make buttoned blouses difficult to wear without the unsightly gaping business. But you know, as my nephew might say (if he weren't too horrified to be talking about my boobs with me... which, come to think of it, I would be too horrified to talk to him about too) - "That's a first world problem." I always thought if I was ever going to get plastic surgery, it would be a breast reduction and lift. But then I get horrified with myself for slipping into first world vanity contemplations.

So what's the deal with boobs anyway? Why are guys so into them? Is it because they (in most cases) don't have their own? (This raises the question: how do lesbians feel about boobs?) I mean, what if adam's apples were suddenly fetishized everywhere in popular culture? Or the fashion industry started designing pants for men that revealed just a hint of scrotum? I think I speak for most when I say, ew. Both of these body parts are fairly unattractive, and I'm fine with the fact I don't, as a woman, have either. Even the really good looking scrotums (scroti?) are quite wrinkly. Can you imagine if guys started getting laryngeal implants to make their neck bobbles protrude even more? Would adolescent boys be hyper-sexualized in the media?

Okay, I don't know where I'm going with any of this. A'ight I'm Audi 5000.

PS I got weighed today: maintained. This is good news because last Thursday I ate about 6 pieces of cake at work and then instead of doing penance that night, ordered a bucket of KFC as a cake chaser. It was awesome.

Aug 8: The long haul

2011-08-08T09:42:00.005-04:00

Greetings, summer funsters!

So it's been awhile. If you've been following along, this would be the point at which you'd expect some sort of sheepish, mumbling, kicking at the ground admission of wagon abandonment, with the accompanying ass-cushion that a three month hiatus from healthy living always brings. Well, ta-da! Not happening.

Yeah, I kinda stopped blogging for awhile there. I was starting to feel like the only purpose of writing was to give a weekly update from my weigh-in. What happened to all my high-brow pretensions of using this blog to examine food and body issues, eating in awareness, the zen of sweat, and the use of affirmation post-it notes to achieve self-actualization? [Seriously, last year for Christmas, my mom got me this book called Operation Beautiful that prescribes leaving notes for yourself on every mirror that insist you are beautiful, regardless of what the mirror has to say about it.]

Well anyway, I've now lost 28 pounds. It's a slow process, but I feel like, after six plus months of living this way, it's become a routine. At this point, I am closing in on the mark (around 150) that has been some sort of psychological barrier for me in the 2.5 years since I started writing this blog. It's not like I've never been below that level, but in recent years, attempts to shed the extra weight have stalled at around this point. So, even though it feels like a massive accomplishment to say, with as much casual indifference as my limited acting skills can convey, that I've lost close to 30 pounds, I don't actually feel like I look all that different. I'm not into clothes that have hung faithfully in the closet, waiting for their chance to impress the world with their cuteness. I am still struggling with my self image. I'll be walking outside and catch a glimpse of myself in a mirror and feel dismay rather than pride. Why are my boobs still so fucking huge? I know it's just about patience and hanging in for the long haul.

Glad to still be at it, though. And I'm feeling pretty optimistic about my future chances of looking cute again.

May 18: A kinder, gentler race

2011-05-18T10:52:00.008-04:00

Hello, broccoli florets!

I come baring news of– wait a second.... I come bearing news of disintegrating fat molecules and non-death-inducing marathon participation.

I didn't get weighed last week, but I did get back on the wagon. I gotta admit, it was tough. The first couple days I kept wanting to chuck everything and dive into a vat of Kraft Dinner and eat my way out. You would think after getting poisoned as a result of over-indulgence that I would steer clear of more poison, but the opposite happens: once the floodgates open, it's really hard to shut them again. So I had a few days of really struggling to hold temptation at bay. Some days I really, really miss eating everything in sight. Of course, when I'm in the throes of it, it is rarely as satisfying as I imagine it will be. Which is not to say it is not satisfying.

Anyway, this week's loss was .8, bringing the grand total to 21.6 pounds.

On Sunday, my mom and I did our annual half-marathon walk, and I have the contraband "proof" to show for it. I like the irony but also hope I don't get hunted down and sued by the folks who want me to pay $14.95 for that image, sans watermark. Anyway, it was our best walking time ever (3 hours, 38 minutes - we usually come in around 3:45ish). Possibly this was because we just wanted to get out of the drizzly, shitty weather. For my mom, the walk was just a warm-up: she is doing the full marathon walk in Ottawa at the end of the month. Go, Marathon Jan!!

Walking 21 kilometres is not exactly a punishing workout, but it does strain the joints, especially in the rainy cold. I recovered pretty quickly this year, though (especially compared to last fall, when I decided to run as much as I could, since my mom was out with a knee injury. It was a totally spontaneous decision that I paid for over the next week - rolling over in bed was painful for the first two days, and I think I probably looked like a city slicker after a cattle drive whenever I was forced to stand or walk.) I gotta give props to L-Mac2, who has signed up to run the half-marathon this fall in the Toronto Waterfront Marathon. Girl's got the bug for it. I went out for a 5k run with her and some folks from work last week and she gallantly stayed behind with me and encouraged me to finish the damn thing. Goddamn I hate running. I have no capacity for pain and suffering. And I wonder, why does there have to be pain and suffering?

May 10: POISONED!

2011-05-10T12:47:00.003-04:00

Hello lovelorn flocks,

Sorry I didn't update you last week. I actually had a stellar week - another 1.8 pounds gone. The last three weeks have seen more weight loss (5.6 pounds) than I lost in the previous couple months, I think. I don't know - I think that our bodies maybe have natural comfort zones they like to stay in and I've finally moved past one? Yeah, I'm talking outta my ass again. Whatever, I'll take it.

So yesterday was a spectacular spring day. Not a cloud in the sky, warm but not yet punishing. I decided to pick up a bottle of wine on my way home to share with the Miaouw on the glorious balcony. I had 16 points left at the time, and reckoned I could drink 3 glasses (10 points) and still have room for some teeny tiny sandwiches on Weight Watchers bread. Either that or just pass out and sleep through dinner.

Well, we enjoyed ourselves and lost all restraint. We ate a frozen pizza and then the Miaouw ordered Pizza Pizza. (Pizza appetizer followed by pizza entrée: beautiful treachery.) I ate four pieces, plus had four breaded wings. I kept thinking I should stop at two pieces, but it tasted AMAZE-BALLS and I haven't had a crazy binge like that since January.

Key to getting back on the emaciated horse is tracking all of my evil-doings. It's good to have a moment of reckoning, a come-to-Oprah in which you take stock of what you've done, own it completely, forgive yourself and move on. If you don't admit to what you've done, you can't really move past it. And when I entered everything into the tracker this morning, I discovered that actually, the damage wasn't so terrible. I used up all of my extra weekly points, and just one of my activity points earned this week. Not bad. Not great, but I've done much worse.

Well anyway, after scarfing down that delicioush "food", I went to bed and tried to sleep. Haaaarrrible night. I had the night sweats, I tossed and turned, had to get up every couple hours and glug cold water... Yikes, I totally poisoned myself. This is part of the reckoning. It's good to know my body has gotten to a point of intolerance when it comes to all that fat and salt. I said to the Miaouw this morning that I wished there was some way to tap into this horrible food-hangover feeling before chowing down. Then I looked at the leftover pizza and thought, dang that looks good.

Ah well. I probably won't get weighed tomorrow. It won't be a real number - it'll take a couple days to get all this shit -- literally, ugh -- out of my system. I told the Miaouw there better not be any leftovers in the house when I get home from work tonight.

May 1: Thank god THAT's over

2011-05-01T20:15:00.003-04:00

Greetings hero worshipers,

OY. This morning was the dreaded Sporting Life 10k run. Big shout out to the Ladies of the Cancer who all ran awesome times. Particularly proud of my girl L-Mac2, who really encouraged me to do the run, despite my lack of conditioning. She did amazing. Well, they all did. Me, on the other hand, not so much. I ran a saggy-assed 1:18:30, which is 11.5 minutes slower than last year. Sigh. Hard not to feel like a total schlep in the wake of it. I think I walked almost as much as I ran. It was a really tough slog. Trying my best to feel proud of the fact I went out and did it, despite my relative lack of training. I am a bit bummed though.

But the result has me determined to improve, which is a fantastic takeaway. I realize that I really need to have a race to work towards as a goal, to keep me running and trying to improve. So this summer I am going to see about running a few 5k races. There are tons to choose from. Try to get a faster time for a shorter distance. It's less painful and I think more achievable. All the while I will hope to continue losing weight, which should also improve my performance.

Speaking of continued weight loss, Wednesday's weigh in was awesome - another 1.8 pounds lost, which is pretty amazing, the week after a 2 pound loss. I was awarded the coveted 10% key chain for having lost 10% of my starting weight. What a glorious coppery glow it has! Apparently there are charms you get to add to it when you hit milestone numbers like 25 pounds or whatever, I guess to ensure you don't lose your motivation after having achieved this ultimate prize. SWEET!

Apr 23: Fresh numbrrrs!

2011-04-23T17:09:00.005-04:00

It's the weekend! The long weekend! Ba-da-buh-buh-baaaah I'm lovin' it.

So as you know, I like to count. I know I'm always joking about how the numbers aren't important and it's all about healthy lifestyle blah blah tofucakes. But for me, the binge eating/ food obsessing thing is a compulsive behaviour. People use compulsive behaviours to cope with the big bad world when a more grounded, in-the-moment sort of approach may be beyond their reach. When I make efforts to rein myself in and cut out that compulsive behaviour, it makes sense that I would offset the loss by turning to another obsession, right? I'm not saying I'm obsessed per se. Just sayin: thus, the origins of the counting love.

With that said, I have many fresh numbers to report:

Pounds lost this week: TWO
Total pounds lost: 17.2

Measurements!
Chest - down 2, total loss: 3
Waist - down 0, total loss: 3
Hips - down 2, total loss: 4
Thigh - down 1, total loss: 1

Training!
Ran 5 miles in just under an hour yesterday on the wonky home treadmill. I don't know what the dillio is with this treadmill. It's an old donated thing that does this weird stoppy-starty thing that can throw your whole rhythm off. I always seem to run faster on it, but maybe I'm running slower and the speed settings are also wonky. Regardless, I ran for an hour. Next weekend is the 10k, so I'm feeling prepared. It's gonna hurt but it's gonna happen.

Rock on, I loves me some numbers. Happy long weekend everybody!

PS regarding the image: I did an image search for "fresh numbers" and this was my favourite image returned. Don't care non sequitur.

Apr 14: #spinning

2011-04-14T12:44:00.012-04:00

Greetings rock stars from Mars avec Adonis DNA!

Great news! I gained .8 this week. Gah, jeez, right? Well I am okay with it. I mean, I don’t get it, but I’m okay with it. I stuck with the plan and I worked out 3 times. Okay, yes, there was that incident Friday night with the three quarters of a litre of TOLL HOUSE Cookie Dough with Brownie Chunks LOADED Frozen Dessert. Yikes they can’t even call it ice cream. Anyway, yes, I ate a lot of it. But I calculated my points and it was within the plan.

So, you know… eh. Sometimes you do everything you’re supposed to do and your body just doesn’t respond the way you expect or hope it will. I was saying to a friend yesterday that it’s like long term investments. You can’t let a bad week freak you out. If you stick with the plan, you’ll eventually see gains in your portfolio. Holy crap that metaphor just triggered a huge dividend in the irony stock. (FYI, I had to spend about ten minutes on Wikipedia figuring out how to phrase that joke. I’m putting everything into irony derivatives. Maybe?)

Anyway, when you have a week like this, you have to find your win somewhere other than the scale. Spin doctoring is an important skill in life and is transferable across pretty much every plane of existence. So the great news from this week was my ever-improving fitness. The night before the weigh-in, (the same day I posted the workout music blog), I went to the gym and ran for a full hour, the longest I’ve run in probably a year. Distance was 4.5 miles or around 7k. This is awesome work on my part and I am very encouraged by my progress. And that’s how you spin a .8 gain into a major victory!

Oh sure there will people who earnestly say “this is not spin doctoring, you really did win! It’s not about the scale, it’s about changing your life and being healthier and loving yourself and putting Post Its on every mirror in your house telling you how fantastic you are”. Bless them! These sweet, well-meaning people are champion spinners and I tip my hat to them as they are #winning the life game, unquestionably! I think I would need to offload a huge chunk of my blue chip irony and dispense with my cynicism treasuries altogether to make that investment worthwhile.

Apr 12: Music to train for a 10k to

2011-04-12T12:16:00.010-04:00

Hello bottom (of the fridge) feeders (i.e. the crisper)!

How’s everybody’s mood? Myself, I’m feeling pretty okay. The weather is starting to warm up, verrrrry gradually. More sunshine, more daylight = more energy and more optimism.

So I have been back in the gym for the last three weeks. Generally 3 times a week, sometimes only twice. I am trying to get in shape enough to run the 10 k on May 1, but I am running out of time. Okay, I am jogging, walking and wheezing out of time. We’ll see.

Yesterday I was on the treadmill for just 10 minutes and I knew it wasn’t my day. Horrible shin-splints. I finished the mile I was running and opted for 20 minutes on the elliptical and then 25 more on the bike, then walked the half hour home. Today I will try for much better results. Last week I was up to running 5 and 1s (five minutes running, one minute walking break). Longest distance thus far has only been 3.75 miles (10 k is 6.2 miles). I was hoping to increase the run-cycle duration by one minute each week, but I’m not feeling ready to go to 6 yet. Also need to increase the duration of the run, obviously. I've been trying to do 80 mins of cardio - supplement whatever I do in running with time on the bike. Not the same, but it's a process.

So I don’t know what kind of pace I’m going to stumble through in two weeks’ time. Last year I finished at 1:07 (1:09 the first year). I think I’d consider it GREAT work if I could do’er in 1:15 this year, but will settle for under 1:20. Hell, I will “settle” for finishing the damn thing. I will be about 15 pounds heavier this year than I was last year when I ran it, plus way more out of shape. So, no big expectations.

At the gym, I have forsaken the television in favour of music as my motivational accompaniment of choice. The television is great when you are in shape and just need a distraction from the mindless minutes you are looking to rack up. When it’s a struggle to make it through your allotted 3, 4, 5 minute run-cycle before you get to a walk break, music can be a saving grace.

I’ve got a playlist on my iPod nano called “Working out”. Some of the songs are just ones I really like; not necessarily all crazy high energy dance beat stuff. Definitely no fucking Rihanna (sorry mom) (because of the cursing, not because my mom's a fan of Rihanna. Er, are you?) Eh… eh… eh… Oh… oh… oh… Ella… ella… ella… PUNCH… PUNCH… PUNCH…

Anyway, I copied down the list of songs. It’s kind of a random list of crap that was on my iPod. Far from comprehensive. They are sorted alphabetically by artist. I marked the ones that really get me moving, mouthing the words and nodding my head stupidly.

Please submit your fave songs to give you the extra jolt you need when working out!

"Poison Arrow" - ABC
"The Look of Love" - ABC
"Freedom of Speech" - Above the Law
"Thunderstruck" - ACDC
"Back in the Saddle" - Aerosmith
"Grass" - Animal Collective
"Sk8er Boi" - Avril Lavigne
"Kick Out the Jams" - Bad Brains & Henry Rollins
"Where's Your Head At?" - Basement Jaxx
"She's Crafty" - Beastie Boys
"No Sleep Til Brooklyn" - Beastie Boys
"Annie Waits" - Ben Folds
"Gone" - Ben Folds
"Army" - Ben Folds Five
"Let's Get It Started" - Black Eyed Peas
"One Way or Another" - Blondie
"Aberdeen" - Cage the Elephant
"Lovefool" - The Cardigans
"Iron Man" - The Cardigans
"Fuck You" - Cee-Lo Green
"Should I Stay or Should I Go" - The Clash
"Rock the Casbah" - The Clash
"Low" - Cracker
"Boys Don't Cry" - The Cure
"The Love Cats" - The Cure
"Livin' Thing" - Electric Light Orchestra
"Turn To Stone" - Electric Light Orchestra
"Sweet Talkin' Woman" - Electric Light Orchestra
"Bennie and the Jets" - Elton John
"Saturday Night's Alright For Fighting" - Elton John
"Best Of My Love" - The Emotions
"Fast As You Can" - Fiona Apple
"Dog Days Are Over" - Florence & The Machine
"This is a Call" - Foo Fighters
"Best of You" - Foo Fighters
"Hard to Beat" - Hard-Fi
"Stars of CCTV" - Hard-Fi
"Striptease" - Hawksley Workman
"Clever Not Beautiful" - Hawksley Workman
"Positive Jam" - The Hold Steady
"The Swish" - The Hold Steady
"Chips Ahoy!" - The Hold Steady
"You Can Make Him Like You" - The Hold Steady
"Stuck Between Stations" - The Hold Steady
"Stay Positive" - The Hold Steady
"Start Making Sense" - Hot Panda
"Closer to Fine" - Indigo Girls
"I Make the Dough, You Get the Glory" - Kathleen Edwards
"I Kissed a Girl" - Katy Perry
"Today I Hate Everyone" - The Killjoys
"Supernova" - Liz Phair
"Salesmen, Cheats & Liars" - The Lowest of the Low
"Eternal Fatalist" - The Lowest of the Low
"Bleed A Little While Tonight" - The Lowest of the Low
"Henry Needs a New Pair of Shoes" - The Lowest of the Low
"Nervous Breakthrough" - Luscious Jackson
"Bucky Done Gun" - M.I.A.
"Galang" - M.I.A.
"Montreal -40C" - Malajube
"Sick Of Myself" - Matthew Sweet
"Combat Baby" - Metric
"Succexy" - Metric
"Bourgeouis Shangri-La" - Miss Li
"Float On" - Modest Mouse
"Paper Thin Walls" - Modest Mouse
"Use It" - The New Pornographers
"All For Swinging You Around" - The New Pornographers
"The Slow Descent Into Alcoholism" - The New Pornographers
"Letter From An Occupant" - The New Pornographers
"Supersonic" - Oasis
"Rome" - Phoenix
"Debaser" - Pixies
"Under Pressure" - Queen
"Don't Walk Away Eileen" - Sam Roberts
"Love Song" - Sara Bareilles
"Tell 'Em" - Sleigh Bells
"Six Months in a Leaky Boat" - Split Enz
"Pulling Mussels (From The Shell)" - Squeeze
"Tempted" - Squeeze
"Lola Stars and Stripes" - The Stills
"You Only Live Once" - The Strokes
"Your Favorite Thing" - Sugar
"Slack Motherfucker" - Superchunk
"Army Bound" - Ted Leo & the Pharmacists
"Some Beginner's Mind" - Ted Leo & the Pharmacists
"Shake The Sheets" - Ted Leo & the Pharmacists
"Big Sur" - The Thrills
"Highly Evolved" - The Vines
"Outtathaway" - The Vines
"Hash Pipe" - Weezer
"The Hardest Button to Button" - The White Stripes
"A Shot in the Arm" - Wilco
"Ship of Fools" - World Party

Apr 8: Plate licker

2011-04-08T12:15:00.005-04:00

Are you one? On a scale of one to ten, how gross is it to do this? I have a hard time letting a plate go that still has anything on it, even sauce. I just ate my Lean Cuisine cheese cannelloni here at work and of course I used my index finger to scoop up the remains and licked my finger clean. Oh, you think, that's not as bad as actually licking the plate. I did that this morning. After I finished my cottage cheese with jam and orange sections.

I sometimes forget my surroundings. We're in this new open concept office, and I had the bowl to my face with my tongue out when I realized I might not be alone. Gah. I looked around and I don't think anybody saw. Then a couple minutes ago I caught myself again.

I don't know. Is this really offside behaviour? Do I need to stifle, in case somebody catches me in flagrante delectable? I hope not. When food is restricted, the unit value of each morsel increases significantly in value. I would buy that mutual fund.

I think it's fine to do this at home. In fact, if you don't run the dishwasher every day, which is the case in our household of two, you don't have plates with crud hardening on them. Efficient.

Apr 7: Slow and starving wins the weigh-in

2011-04-07T10:28:00.007-04:00

Well hello there, waist-wasters!

How’s everything going? I mean seriously. Would it kill you to call? The only person I hear from anymore is my friggin cat, and she just comes on here to post links to bizarre non sequitur youtubes. (Which are awesome.)

Alright, I’m done begging. So, I had an excellent week on the scales: lost 2.2 pounds this week. That’s like, a month’s worth of work at my current rate of progress. Guess I can just rest on my laurels for the rest of April now.

The thing is, I weighed myself on my wretched home scale yesterday morning and was utterly deflated to see that my weight had gone up this week. UP! I mean, okay, I said I was going to run (yog) 3-4 times this week and I only ended up going twice. But those times I went, I really gave’r, and I watched my fucking points (sorry mom) and there’s just no reason why I should have gained weight. And okay, if this were a blip, a one-time thing, I could perhaps be a little more relaxed and a little less italicized, but MY BODY WILL NOT LET GO OF THE FAT.

So, I was pissed. I decided desperate measures were called for: I dressed in my least weighty outfit (a t-shirt and my featherweight skirt), which is a pain in the arse when I walk to work because it’s so light that it rides up my thighs and I’m constantly pulling it down self-consciously. I could have taken the subway but I was looking to make up extra activity wherever I could. At work, I decided to forego any food or drink until post-weigh-in. I know, I know. It’s stupid, to put so much stock in a number that you have to use artificial means to manipulate. What can I say. I was desperate for good news, or at least not bad news.

So all morning I was sluggish and depressed. Anticipating another shitty result, plus no caffeine, plus I’m getting tired of the project I’ve been managing at work for six months. So noon comes round and I trudge off to the DubDub meeting with L-Mac², confessing my silly antics to her, which she laughed about in a very supportive and understanding fashion. Get on the scale and… WHAT THE! Down 2.2 pounds?! Wow. Who knew breakfast and a DDP weighs 2 pounds? (The other .2 was obviously taken care of with my nearly-naked wardrobe stylings, plus a half hour walk to work, I’m sure.)

Okay, as the warlocks say, "duh", this is obviously not a result based on skipping breakfast. I’m saying, my scale, she done me wrong. Maybe I shaved an extra half pound off with my morning neuroses, possibly a pound. Whatever, I’ll take it. Of course this introduces next week’s big dilemma: do I repeat this ridiculousness to ensure an accurate measurement from one week to the next? Or do I grow up and stop pulling stupid desperate acts of starvation and crankiness towards my co-workers and the world in general?

Wow, what a cliffhanger. For sure you’ll be tuning in next week to find out.

Mar 31: Weight loss tips from The Miaouw

2011-03-31T10:53:00.010-04:00

Hello, empty theatre!

Quick update: I have started yogging again! I was holding off on reporting this, since the struggle to find motivation to exercise has been iffy at best. I didn’t sign up for the Sporting Life 10K, because I thought there’s no way I’d be ready for it. I had this romantic if sweaty notion that every year I would improve my time, and this year, what with the excess weight and the whole sloth appreciation society business, I know that won’t be possible. So I was letting that defeat me before I even got started.

Well screw that mentality. A week and a half ago, my office moved into a new building, closer to the Good Life. I decided to make good associations and new habits with this new environment, and have been going to the gym after work regularly. The first time, I got on the treadmill and told myself, whatever you have to do, just do it. So I started with 2 and 1’s (run 2 minutes, walk 1). By the end of each two minutes, I was a mess, but I was determined. I just set the speed lower. Yesterday I was up to 4 and 1’s, which is great improvement over just 10 days, I think. Even so, it took me 40 minutes to run 3 miles. Back in the day I was going 4-6 minutes faster, but whatever, I’m out there, doing it, which is a MAJOR WIN. Or, winning. Whatever the kids and the crazies are saying these days.

So with all that extra activity, I still only lost .8 last week. My total weight loss over the past month and a half is something like 2.4 pounds. Jeez. Even so, I feel great about returning to the exercise thing. I knew I would get back to it eventually. I’ve decided I’m still going to sign up for the Sporting Life 10K on May 1. I don’t give a shit what my time is; for me, the triumph will be showing up and gettin’ ‘er done.

Okay, on to the titillating subject line at hand: The Miaouw has a couple of unorthodox diet tricks that I thought might be useful if you are out of your mind and if you first sign a waiver that you won’t sue me or anything.

Do not wear winter jackets in winter.
Being from southern California, winter is an anomaly to the Miaouw. I got him a winter coat for Christmas two years ago. He brought it back to California and then forgot it there. But he is undaunted. He goes out in the frigid sub-zero temperatures in a cardigan with a windbreaker, and when I look at him like he’s nuts, he insists that this is a weight loss scheme. I suppose there are a lot of extra calories to be burned through violent shivering. I think he also thinks the little metabolism elves are taking chunks of fat storage and throwing them on the fire, trying to warm up his body. I gotta admit, this theory sounds kinda sciency.

Blood donation on a regular basis.
So the idea is, not only do you lose the initial mass from the liquid (great for pre-weigh-ins!), but that your body burns calories in generating more blood to restore your reserves. At one point, he was suggesting we do a blood clinic crawl – donate blood every day for a week. Alas, it never came to pass, so I can’t offer up any evidence to support this wild theory. The other drawback, of course, is you wouldn’t be allowed to eat the cookie afterwards. That would totally defeat the purpose, obvs.

Well anyway, these are just some ideas that I in no way endorse and will not be held criminally responsible for. Enjoy, little lab rats!

Mar 25: Pithy nutrition lesson

2011-03-25T13:19:00.008-04:00

I’ve been on a mandarin orange kick lately. With the revolutionary advent of free fruit on DubDub’s new Points Plus program, I have been enjoying much more fresh fruit in my diet. I buy mandarins by the bag and eat 2 or 3 in a sitting. Delightful!

So I was remembering a few years back, my dad’s wife mentioning something about the white stuff on oranges being very good for you, and that you should never peel it off for this reason. I mentioned this to Jan once and she wrinkled her nose. The idea with eating an orange as a snack, in her view, is that it takes an extra long time to do so because of the meticulous process of removing all the white stuff. So you feel like you are eating for longer. (That’s one of those dieting trade secrets for y’all – a freebie from my mom!)

So anyway, I looked it up. The white stuff is actually called “pith”, and the scoop is, it’s where the majority of an orange’s nutrients are stored. According to the sciency titled “Food Genetics” blog,

The pith, part of the protection layer for the orange, contains high levels of fiber, anti-cancer agents and important bioflavonoids (an antioxidant). So next time when you have an orange, think twice about peeling off those healthy beneficial white piths.

Apparently, the juice of an orange contains only 25% of the vitamin C found in an orange. Hunh!

So now the challenge goes out to OCDers who are concerned with their health but also like a nice, clean canvas before biting into their juicy fruit!

Mar 24: The trouble with DubDub

2011-03-24T14:36:00.004-04:00

Good blogging, weightful wonders!

First things first: yesterday was WeighDay. I was up half a pound. Irritating, though not unexpected. On the weekend, I gave in to the Call of the Bile. At the time, of course, the bile was disguised in its pre-digested form as a Caramel Dacquoise. For those not in the know, this is a cake featuring alternating layers of hazelnut meringue, buttercream, cake and caramel sauce. They sell a frozen one at the Rabba convenience/grocery near my apartment. I’ve been eyeing that puppy for weeks. On Saturday night, I had a hankering to just go bananas. Except not with fruit. I also ate two small bags of chips. (I told myself this was an improvement on one party size bag, and I believe that.) I didn’t eat the entire cake – I very thoughtfully left about a quarter of it for the Miaouw. Anyway, I calculated the points and I used all of my reserve points EXCEPT one. So technically, I stayed within the rules of DubDub. But apparently my body didn’t get the memo. Anyway, whatever, half a pound = no big whup, and I sure did enjoy that binge.

So me and L-Mac² went to the lunch time weigh-in yesterday and sat through the tedious meeting. Afterward, we both agreed that the meetings are basically lame. They always say that people who go to meetings are whatever per cent more successful than those who don’t. I make myself sit through them as a sort of physical and mental testament to my commitment to staying on the program, as opposed to any inspiration I derive. The problem is that a lot of the women there are really old school and they have internalized all these unhealthy notions of “dieting” and being “good” or “bad”, wanting to eat something but telling themselves “I shouldn’t”. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I’ve internalized this shit too, but at least I know better, that I… uh… shouldn’t… fock... Well, you know. I at least struggle against these notions. Whereas a lot of the unselfconcious discussion at these meetings is amongst the lifers who trade their “secrets” to weight loss, like chewing gum. (When this was suggested last week, I resisted the urge to put my hand up and tell them that chewing gum is also a trade secret of anorexics, bulimics, and the eating disordered. I learned this first hand when I was being diagnosed with binge eating disorder some years ago.)

Yesterday, the leader asked us to talk about how we can re-frame how we think about so-called “failures” (a.k.a. “caramel dacquoise”). How can we take a positive spin on these incidents we might have previously thought of as failures? I started to say “it’s not a failure, it’s a choice” but somebody else spoke up with some sort of easily digestible, predictable and pat response that fit the leader’s notes. But what I wanted to say, how I wish the discussion had gone, was to say that it’s not a fail or a win, it’s a choice. You decide you want to eat three quarters of a caramel and meringue layer cake? You understand the consequences going in, right? So, enjoy. Everything is choices and consequences of those choices. Choices in and of themselves are not inherently "good" or "bad", "win" or "fail". We project all kinds of meaning and judgment onto them and then we get all fucked up about it. I know I enjoyed my binge on the weekend. I know that it’s a behaviour I chose rather than sitting with whatever feelings were coming up, and dealing with them. I’m okay with that.

I don’t know though. Probably this sort of approach is a bit too vague and intangible to be promoted at your local Weight Watchers meeting.

Mar 16: One of the best falafels OF ALL TIME

2011-03-16T13:39:00.006-04:00

What up, groupies?

It's been a long time since I blog and rolled. Its been a long time, been a long time, been a long lonely, lonely, lonely, lonely, lonely time.

Yes it has.

Sorry about that. You will be pleased and perhaps surprised (I shall take no offense) to hear that I am still "OP"* as they say at the dieting trade shows and online fora. I had a week where I lost nothing, then two weeks in a row where I missed my DubDub meeting (last week for JURY DUTY! Quel excite! Except, turns out, not.) Found out today I lost 2 pounds. That's for three weeks, plus the week before that I didn't lose, just maintained. So, yeah, a little irritating. But whatever, it's still down, so that's awesome. Also, Moammar has been advancing on the freedom-from-fat-fighters who want me to exercise regularly, quashing the revolution. I need to institute a No Green Couch Zone or something. I know, this metaphor is beyond bizarre. This is what happens when you run out of decent blogging material and just start letting the consciousness stream forth.

So while I was on jury duty, I started reading Breaking Free From Emotional Eating, the Geneen Roth book I mentioned awhile back. Some interesting notions. She advocates eschewing the notion of "diet" forever, which sounds pretty awesome, I'm sure you'll all agree. She also suggests eating WHATEVER YOU WANT, which is equal parts tantalizing and terrifying. The big proviso is that you learn to eat when you are hungry, not when you are lonely, or bored, or because it's the habitual time you normally eat, or all the zillions of reasons we eat that have nothing to do with hunger. The idea is that if you learn to listen to your body, to recognize real hunger and feed yourself accordingly, you will come to trust it. And the same goes for eating what you want, and what you need. When she first decided to give up dieting and eat only when she was hungry and to eat what she wanted, she ate chocolate chip cookies for every meal for two weeks. She gained weight initially, but eventually she ended up losing 30 pounds over the next couple years. And she kicked the chocolate chip cookie yen.

It was interesting, reading this book at a time when I was mentally free (from work or the TV or most any distractions) to contemplate it. I had to buy my lunch every day, and reading this book that is urging me to allow myself to eat without guilt, to eat what I wanted, to the point of satiety, kinda messed with my head. Not necessarily in a bad way, just... it's a different way to think about food and eating. It's not an easy fix – there is a lot of heavy duty emotional work that has to happen. I'm not ready for it yet. But I did let myself eat what I wanted one day on lunch. I had a falafel, which is not something I normally crave. I was very hungry by the time I ate it. I sat down to eat, and did not have any distractions, like a book or the TV or a computer or even a conversation. I looked out the window at the hustle-bustle of Dundas Street West and just savoured that falafel. My god, what a falafel. It was incredible. I enjoyed it so, SO much. At the end of the day I went home and looked it up and found DubDub says 13 points for a falafel. A bit steep (lunch for me is typically a 6 point Lean Cuisine or similar). But I didn't crave anything more after that, did not snack or anything, so it worked out fine.

I am trying this approach on a little bit at a time, to see if it fits. I have this counter-intuitive notion that I want to lose the weight first, and then adopt this no-more-dieting approach. Sigh. I'm sure I'm not the first to think that way. Ah well, soldier on.

PS holy geez, just found the falafel image for this post; looking at it full size and reliving my falafel experience. It is a fond memory, but I am happy to report that I am not obsessing over the desire to go out an replicate it immediately. But some day.

* "On Program"

Feb 24: Triumph of the lack of will

2011-02-24T11:57:00.004-05:00

Hey chunky monkeys,

I finally did it. Last night, I broke my lazy streak and went to the gym after work. It had been weeks of slothing on the green couch, defiantly refusing to break a sweat. There were even times when I felt the tingly energy of wanting to exercise, and somehow found a way to talk myself out of it. I don't know. It's like the rest of my brain was being held prisoner by some sort of evil dictatorship, quashing any urges to be productive or healthy or do anything that might lead to happiness. My own inner Moammar. I half-expected myself to randomly open fire on myself, I swear. "Quit killin' yerself!"

Well anyway. I didn't get weighed last week because there was a mysterious weight gain situation on my home scale that I suspect was related to medication. I knew I'd eaten fine, so I didn't want to ignite the protesters in my brain with a disappointing result. So this week I went in, and WTF, I'm the same weight I was two weeks ago. IRRITATING!

Well, the heretofore peaceful protesters rallied and Moammar is now in hiding somewhere in the recesses of my brain. I went to the gym last night, sweated profusely, and when I weighed myself this a.m., the people of Lindsay rejoiced in our newfound freedom from the Tyranny of the Green Couch!

Going to the gym after work again tonight, and after that, I'm headed to Wisconsin to kick Scott Walker in the ASS. Not really but boy would I ever like to.

SOLIDARITY FOREVER.

Feb 15: Fat acceptance

2011-02-15T09:35:00.006-05:00

On the weekend, my girl Taarnagh posted a link on Facebook to a blog by a woman named Lindy West who writes for a publication run by Dan Savage, the sex advice columnist and originator of the "It Gets Better" movement aimed at gay youth who are being bullied. The blog, entitled, Hello, I Am Fat was an eloquent smackdown of what she perceives as Dan Savage's anti-fat bias. It triggered a tidal wave of comments and has subsequently gone viral. It's a great piece, I encourage you to read it. And thanks to Taar for bringing my attention to it. (Dan Savage posted a rebuttal yesterday evening which I thought was also worthwhile if slightly more long-winded and hyperbolic. After the storm of protest against him, I didn't blame him for the hyperbole.)

So, where do y'all stand on this whole "fat acceptance" movement? I gotta admit, I'm pretty ambivalent. I don't accept my fat. Never have, and don't suppose I ever will. When I've lamented my weight to people in my life, most have responded with what I take to be sincere insistence that it is nowhere near as ugly to the world at large as it is to me. Point being, I don't feel unfairly discriminated against because of my weight. I don't opine for the world to accept fat people more readily. I opine for a method to accept myself more readily, sure. And I realize that weight loss isn't the golden ticket to happiness and self-acceptance. Or, some part of me does, since the few times I've been slim, it's had no bearing on my day-to-day happiness, except that I preen in front of mirrors instead of worry. Having said that, when I am fat, it adds significantly to my feelings of self-loathing, depression, lack of control, etc.

The obesity epidemic is troubling. On the other hand, the unrealistic standards of beauty perpetuated by the media and popular culture are also troubling. But as far as I'm concerned, the bullying, mean-spirited othering of people for any reason, whether it's because they are fat, gay, Republican, or just different ("you're weird" = one of my my all-time hated methods of marginalization) is the most troubling. Maybe if people were just less assy in general, there would be no need for a "fat acceptance" movement. I understand why fat people are angry about being "shamed". I shame myself all the time. I look at people who are fat and I shame them, in my head, as surely as I do myself. I don't say anything to them, or about them behind their backs (at least, not about their weight, heh), because the last thing I want is to contribute to that dialogue, or to be perceived by others as someone who thinks it's okay to make these hurtful comments. My feeling is, if someone is willing to make a comment like that to me about someone else, pretty much I can expect that they are making those comments about me, or thinking them about me, when I'm not around.

I don't think it's right to enable or encourage unhealthy behaviour. I recognize that for me, personally, at least some of my excess weight is a direct result of stuffing my body with an excess of salty and sugary carbs that have very little nutritional value. This is not a healthy behaviour, and I don't mean just physically. As I have talked about at length, my food and body issues are a manifestation of low self esteem and depression. On the other hand, I do think that my natural body type does veer towards a chubby silhouette. It's not like I was ever a skinny kid, and my mom was not one to over-feed me either. So maybe I am naturally meant to be a little higher than the curve as far as my weight is concerned, and I have been battling nature for so long that my bingeing (and the extra 25 pounds I put on this fall, for examp) is more about feelings of deprivation, rebelling against the internalized self-loathing, lack of self acceptance, etc, etc, etc. Whoa, irony.

Either way, as far as I'm concerned, "fat acceptance" is pretty much a distraction from the real issue at hand, which is self acceptance, and self awareness. I eat to distract myself from pain I don't want to feel, even though I understand that the end result of this action will inevitably be more pain. But this is the culture we live in: everything is purchased on credit, even taking on a debt of self-loathing to feel better in the moment.

I reject fat acceptance and instead choose to promote empathy and compassion for those who struggle to accept themselves and choose destructive behaviours to cope with the burden of sentience in a culture that has replaced the struggle to survive with the struggle to thrive.

Feb 9: Shout out to Jan!

2011-02-09T14:38:00.007-05:00

Hello edge-of-your-seaters!

It's Wednesday afternoon, which means I come bearing news of The Scale. We are friends this week: down 1.8, which is pretty not bad considering I barely moved my lazy arse all week. I gotta get going on the activity thing. I know it. I just don't feel like it, you know? Whatever, cry cry, wah wah, nothing new under this massive, luminous ball of plasma a.k.a. the sun.

So I check my Google Analytics every day, just to get a sense of my global audience. Today I had a visitor from Romania. I get these international students from time to time. I think they took a wrong turn at Albuquerque, because they don't stay long.

Ever since my mom got herself a little MacBook and a high speed internet connection (and I reminded her of the existence of this blog), I've been seeing regular visits from Kingston, Ontario. Now, it could be my nephew, studying at Queen's University, coming in from the Facebook link when I post new blogs there, but I'm thinking... wait for it... no. My sense is that it is more likely my mom. Cuz she checks every day for new content! I love it! Only thing is, sometimes I've been known to use the F word and I'm not talking about frankfurters. All this time she thought I was pure as the driven snow. I wonder, does she wrinkle her nose and turn away? Does she roll her eyes and shake her head like the sadder but wiser girl? Maybe she laughs, safe in the knowledge I cannot see her acquiescence? Perhaps I'll never know. Maybe it's best that way.

Anyway, Jan and I go way, waaaaay back when it comes to dieting woes. Currently she's rocking the JC and training for her next marathon walk in late spring. You read that right. She walks ENTIRE marathons. Well, one at a time. But holy mother of... me... guys, CAN YOU BEWIEVE IT? The woman is impressive.

So, just wanted to dedicate this blog to my mom and to say thanks for raising me up to become the blog writing goddess (bloggess?) I am today. Please feel free to pay your respects below. In fact, I encourage it.

To Jan!

PS to Mom, but also others if you are interested, Jenny Craig's latest guinea pig is the hilarious Carrie Fisher. She is writing a blog on the JC website about her experience on the program, much like Sara Rue and Valerie Bertinelli did before her, although the updates are sporadic.

Feb 4: Inches, away!

2011-02-04T08:56:00.006-05:00

Good Friday morning, chubmates,

I trust you've all had a week that could be described with some sort of adjective. I have to say, thus far, I am coping pretty well with winter in Catnada, comparatively speaking. Long time followers know that I struggle with depression, particularly in the winter months. This year my mood has been fairly stable, for whatever reason. This despite the fact my weight is still, after 9.6 pounds of weight loss, at an all time high. Whatever. I got a ton of new clothes on the weekend with my Christmas returns – a couple of outfits at full price goes a long way if you wait for the clearance sales – and I'm faithfully following the DubDub plan, so I feel in control. The lethargy lingers but I chalk that up to ancestral hibernation patterns. Evolution, you done me wrong.

So time flies when you're calorie restricting, n'est-ce pas? I've been on the DubDub straight-not-narrow lifestyle for four weeks now. Lost 1.2 this week, bringing me to 9.6 pounds, as mentioned. Significantly, I hit my 5% goal with this weigh-in. At DubDub, they like to tackle the mental challenge of long-term weight loss by giving people small, achievable goals to focus on to keep them encouraged. So the first goal is to lose 5% of your total body weight. All you math whizzes are getting out your calculators and gasping at the implication. Yes, I was 182.2 at first weigh in. Five foot two. So, yeah, everything I bought at the mall this weekend was size XL. Oh well. It is what it is.

Anyway, point being, if one is not totally embarrassed to put their hand up at a meeting to admit achievement of one of these goals, they will be soon after, because the leader gives you a STICKER, like you're in kindergarten and you made a poopy in the toilet and managed to pull your pants up all on your own. Despite my amusement, I quietly admit to you, my close, discreet circle of friends, that I proudly affixed the 5% sticker (it is, indeed, a STAR with 5% in the middle) to my weight tracker booklet. After all these years, there is still a Pavlovian thrill response attached to receiving merit badges or stickers.

Also, took my measurements last night. First of all, let me stipulate that this is an inexact science. Unless I get a tattoo on my hip and one on my waist – maybe just a line marker – I can't say for sure that I'm measuring the same place each month. With that said, it looks like I've lost an inch off the chest, three inches off the waist, two inches off the hips and one off the thigh. Right on! Maybe.

Okay, have an awesome weekend!

Feb 1: Sloth

2011-02-01T13:00:00.006-05:00

So I haven't exercised this week once, not counting walking to/from work. Oh, and I counted my 2.5 hours of shopping on Sunday because I did break a sweat and I was flipping exhausted when it was over. It is better to look good than to feel good, dahling.

A couple of times I came close, mentally. But in the end, I gave in to the sin of slothfulness. I was wondering, though. Is sloth really so bad? (I at least did not give in to gluttony. I ate well this week and stayed within my points.) It seems like there should be a scale – GAH! not a scale – a spectrum, as far as the deadly sins are concerned. Greed or wrath or pride all seem kinda worse than just electing to hang out on the green couch for a week. I decided to look it up.

What do you know! My best friend Wikipedia tells me that "sloth is often seen as being considerably less serious than the other sins". RIGHT ON! Oh, hang on a sec. Apparently, in Dante's Purgatory, the penance for sloth was running continuously at top speed. Who knew marathoners were such a bunch of lazy sinners?

So do you think if I promise Dante to do some continuous running next week at... mid speed... that God won't punish me tomorrow with a shitty weigh-in? Paws crossed.

Aside, though: who doesn't envy the life of the sloth? GAH, another deadly sin. Dang.

Jan 27: Metabolism like oobleck

2011-01-27T11:47:00.009-05:00

First off: shout out to the birthday girl, most Snaggest of All, Ms. Punica Granatum!

Okay, on to the business at hand. Now that I'm a card carrying DubDub meeting attendee, weigh-day is Wednesdays. I go to a lunch time meeting with my girl L-Mac² (another well-deserved shout out). I can see you readers checking your mental calendar and wondering "what the fizzucky, Kentucky, that's two weigh-ins you haven't told us about!" Calm down. We here at D-Weighted are all about becoming healthy people and we totally don't care about the numbers on the scale.

Respectfully,

Anyway. After my first big week (down 6.8 pounds - whaddup), I lost a measly .6 the next week, which I attributed to that snarky bitch Mother Nature from the Tampax commercials (sorry for TMI, but those ads are hilarious/punch-inducing), and then yesterday I learned I'd lost just one pound. Okay, okay, "we are not about numbers here" (press play, above).

When I was doing Jenny Craig, I fell into a bad habit of getting weighed on Saturday and then going absolutely apeshit berzerker and eating whatever I wanted, plus things I probably did not want, for the rest of the day. The first 3 or 4 days of the week would be spent making up for Saturday's bad behaviour, and so I was doing well if I lost a half pound to a pound in a week. This time around, thus far anyway, I have been soooo good! I don't even eat my damn flex points. I don't take weigh-day off. I continue primly on with my point counting and dogged adherence to the program.

I just can't believe how easily I put on 25 pounds in the fall, and how hard it is to lose it. I was hoping, at least in the first month or two, that rejecting the so-called "cheat day" mentality would result in a couple pounds a week loss, at least at first, especially because I have so much more to lose now. But perhaps I have permanently crapped up my metabolism. Or, I'm just old. I don't know.

The thing is, there is nothing to be done about it, except suck it up and continue on. I realize that I just CANNOT continue to slack off like I did in the fall and be okay with gaining a bit of weight, knowing I can re-double my efforts when I am more mentally prepared to do so. That shit just won't fly no more. It is irritating to say the least. But there's just no point in whining about it, because that's only going to foster resentment, which inevitably leads to bad behaviour (see diagram). It is what it is.

No worries, fwiends. I'm irritated, but undeterred. Still determined, still feeling good about improving my health, still realizing that the psychological issues that are behind the constant up and down on the scale is what I really need to address. I'm okay, and actually still feeling PDG in spite of it all.

Jan 24: Hello Monday

2011-01-24T13:22:00.006-05:00

Greetings, pork belly futures, or should I say soon-to-be-pasts,

How was the weekend? I am pleased to report that I ran (okay, yogged) 3 miles on Saturday and 2 miles on Sunday. I did 3 and 1's (run 3 mins; walk 1), which helped considerably. The last time I got on the treadmill was a couple weeks ago, when I first started back on the straight but not narrow lifestyle, and after 10 minutes (no walkies), my asthma was such that I could not continue. Instead I increased the incline and walked for 20 more minutes. It was hard not to feel dejected, but I soldiered on.

Over the past two weeks, I've gone to the gym on average twice a week, and done an hour of cardio each time. Mindful of my wheezing, tubnacious stature, I didn't push myself to go too, too hard. Relied on my trusty heart rate monitor to assuage any guilty concerns I wasn't pushing myself hard enough. When your watch is beeping like a neglected car alarm for your entire workout, you take it as a sign that it's okay to do the elliptical at level 3 instead of your customary level 6. Anyway, all this to say, my cardio endurance or capacity or whatever is definitely improving, which is a very good feeling indeed. I have big plans to increase my gym attendance this week to 3 times a week, plus runs on the shitty warped treadmill in my building that gives me massive static shocks from the dry weather.

Eating has also been awesome. I even went out on Friday night with the Miaouw and managed to get mildly sloshed, have dinner, and only use 2 of my flex points. I drank white wine and ate a salad with salmon and dressing primly on the side. Excellent work. Also braved the insanely cold weather yesterday (although I did not go so far as to run an 8k race like my rockin friend The Torq - photos on Facebook looked like she was doing a deep sea dive in all the head-to-toe gear she was wearing) to go to the grocery store and stock up on low-point treats to stave off any pending feelings of deprivation. My freezer runneth over.

So overall I am feeling PDG (pretty damn good). Just wanted you all to know that. Anybody out there need me to tell them how damn good they are? I am more than happy to do so.

x's and o's for all y'all!

Jan 20: Fitness goals

2011-01-20T10:07:00.006-05:00

So, a couple years ago when I started this blog, I decided to set a fitness goal of running a 10k. When I achieved the goal a couple months later, I reflected in a video blog that setting a goal had been a key factor in getting my ass out to the gym on a regular basis. I really do believe that. If you have to train for an event of some kind (whether it's one of your own planning or a large scale organized affair), the motivation to ensure you're prepared for it tends to get you off the couch when plain old vanity or concern for your health might not be sufficient.

So what is my current fitness goal, you may ask? Well. I am still deliberating on whether this is something I will feel comfortable attempting, but I am toying with signing up for the Good Life Toronto (half) Marathon, happening Sunday, May 15. I haven't signed up yet, probably won't until much closer to the date.

The background on this heady notion: for several years now, my mom and I walk this half-marathon route, although up until this year, the event has been held in October, not May. This past October, we were signed up to do it, and then my mom injured her knee. I decided to go anyway, with her encouragement. I hadn't done any training, hellz, I hadn't even done any running for several months. But since I was there on my own, I decided to experiment and see how much of the route I could run. I was able to alternate running and walking until about the 15 km mark, when the pain was too great to continue the pavement pounding, so I did my best to walk the rest as fast as I could. Where my mom and I have normally completed the 21k in around 3:45-3:50, I finished in 3:11. Not exactly world class, but I was pleased. I thought if I could do that with no training at all, maybe I could improve my time considerably by the new spring date. At least I have a time to shoot for. I'm sure I could get under 3 hours, and would hope for around 2:30-2:45.

The thing is, I am so fucking fat and out of shape right now! I have no lung capacity, and get the asthma-wheezies after 10 mins of running. I really need to build up to it, and I'm not sure four months is enough. So for sure I will sign up for the Sporting Life 10k again, happening 2 weeks before the half marathon, on May 1. I will look to improve my time again this year (first time, 1:09; last year, 1:07). I'm sure running will get easier once I shed some of the excess baggage, and also get back into shape.

The Good Life marathon route is similar to the Sporting Life route (although twice as long), in that they both go straight down Yonge St for much of the run, which is mostly all downhill. This is a sizable carrot in front of me. I could put off the fitness goal til the fall, when Toronto's other marathon, the Scotiabank Toronto Waterfront marathon, happens on Oct. 16. But I like the idea of the downhill boost. So, I don't know.

For sure I will do the 10k. For now I am focussing on just doing an hour of cardio in the gym 3 times a week, gradually introducing running into that as I start to feel more fit. Basically, I am not a fan of running. I am a fan of achieving seemingly impossible goals, though, so I soldier on.

What about y'all? Share a goal so I can hold you to it!

Jan 18: The new DubDub

2011-01-18T12:24:00.009-05:00

Hello pudge-busters!

So, as I said last week, I am back on the Weight Watchers bandwagon and so far I am very pleased. They've done some tinkering with their program and the changes are great. If you are unfamiliar with the ways of the DubDub, I gave a quick rundown of it last year. Foods are assigned a point value. You get X number of points per day, depending on your current weight. Points used to be calculated based on calories, fibre and fat content of a food. One point was around 50 calories, but if it had higher fibre and/or lower fat, the caloric value could be a little higher.

With the revamp, points are calculated differently. Calories don't figure in to the equation at all; instead, you enter grams of protein, carbohydrates, fat and fibre to calculate the point value. Foods that are higher in protein/fibre and lower in carbs/fat tend tend to have a lower point value. The thinking is, two items may have the same calories before you ingest them, but the amount of those calories your body uses to digest the food will vary depending on their nutritional value. Some foods are far more efficient.

I think this is fantastic for a few reasons:

Calories, and the need to count (some might say obsess, but I don't judge) are removed from the the equation. While counting calories may be effective, there is no incentive to eat foods with more nutritional value. It's a subtle way to shift the way I think about food, not thinking about calories all the time.

(Having said that, it's a hard habit to break, and I usually keep a mental tab on how many calories I've ingested on any given day. As you know, I love to count.)
In the past, the strength of DubDub's points system, its flexibility, was also its weakness. If you wanted a Big Mac, you could eat a Big Mac. You couldn't eat anything else that day, but the option was always there. With this revision, the flexibility is still there, but I feel like I am being encouraged, almost pushed (in a good way), to make healthier choices.

Okay, those are kind of the same reason, stated twice. Whatever, you get the idea.

The other thing that totally ROCKS is the advent of free fruit. Even though they contain carbohydrates, fruits are no longer assigned any points. So if I've eaten all my points in a day and I'm craving a little somethin-somethin, I eat frozen grapes. LOVE the frozen grapes! And I add a banana (formerly 2 precious points of my daily allotted 23) to my cottage cheese breakfast in the morning with impunity! When I want something decadentish, I go to the store and buy fresh pineapple chunks. SO! GOOD! The result is that I am eating far more fruits and vegetables than ever before. I think free fruit is a revolutionary idea in the world of dieting and I am ALL for it.

Since the point value of many foods has gone up with the new calculation, the daily allotment of points (and the weekly allotment of "flex" points, to be used for special occasions or to bump up your daily points allowance if you need it) has gone up. It used to be 23 daily plus 35 for the week, and now it's 29 daily and 45 for the week. Now that fruit is free, I feel like I have more points than I know what to do with! It's awesome! (This is another reason why I count my calories at the end of the day - just to check in on how much I'm actually eating. FYI, the amount of calories I ingest in a day of eating 29 points and a couple of free fruits is around 1200-1300 a day, which is pretty standard on a healthy weight loss diet.)

So the changes are not so much about how much you eat (you get the same amount of calories each day, more or less), but about how you think and feel about the food you are eating, and about the choices you are making. I'll make a stir fry and eat it without rice and I'm satisfied. (If I'm not, I'll eat some FREE FROZEN GRAPES!)

So, thumbs up to the new DubDub. So far, so good.

Jan 17: Fat symptoms

2011-01-17T11:18:00.004-05:00

I hate wake-up calls. Wish I could chuck my clock radio out the window like an SCTV television set. But they are necessary evils in navigating through a world where our minds and bodies have been segregated into different classrooms.

I've been a pudgy little lady from pretty much day one, but I've always been very healthy. On all of the medical questionnaires I've ever had to fill out for whatever reason throughout the years, it's been a long list of checkmarks in the "no" box, for the most part. I do have mild asthma, exacerbated by cold weather and/or sometimes highly aerobic activity like running. But generally speaking, I am very fortunate.

I've been unhappy with my weight for most of my life, but in the past it was all about vanity. Lately, though, I've been alarmed to find that the extra weight seems to be having physical effects on my ability to get 'er done in the day to day. Probably because there is so much extra weight. Getting up off the sofa is no longer just a mental/emotional challenge - I sometimes find myself struggling to push myself up, much to my horror and embarrassment. My asthma has been much worse than usual. I can't exercise to the level I had become accustomed without my heart rate zooming up - have had to curtail the intensity. That could just be that I let myself get out of shape, but I suspect this is augmented by the sheer volume I am trying to move these days too.

Yikes, guys! My current BMI is 32, which is classified as "Very Overweight". Not yet obese, but even so. I've taken my health for granted because it has come so naturally to me for my whole life. But carrying around all this weight is taking a toll that has me, finally, more concerned about wellness than about hotness. I've put on so much weight around my middle - my waist has disappeared. And I know that belly fat is the most dangerous kind, in terms of heart disease.

Scary.

It's good though - if vanity and/or self-loathing wasn't quite enough to get me back on the wagon, maybe the threat of cardio vascular disease was! Well, either way, I am back on the road to wellness now, and hope you all are taking care of yourselves too.

Jan 14: TRIUMPHANT RETURN!!!

2011-01-14T13:15:00.006-05:00

Okay, not so much triumphant as peeking around stealthily and sneaking in when I figure nobody's looking. If only I didn't have this EXTRA 25 POUNDS TO HIDE.

I am serious, yo. It pains me to admit it, but it's best for me to admit it. Somehow, during the fall, I gained back all the weight I had lost plus another 10. I mean, not "some" how - I know how, but even so, it was shocking when I finally mustered the courage to get on the scale again last week. I am the heaviest I have ever been. Nothing fits. I had to buy new, size XL underwear even. I had to buy new jeans. (I went to Old Navy and grabbed a pair of size 16 jeans, did not even try them on, and dejectedly headed back to my foodcave. Luckily/unluckily, they fit.) This was in December. Pre-Christmas, even! GAH.

Yeah, so. Nothing new under the sun as Shakes the Clown once said. I've been writing this blog for two years, on and off. Taken as a whole, it paints a pretty good picture of the life of a yo-yo dieter. Feel free to send all your fat, forlorn friends here, who may need to understand they are not alone.

Wha happen???

So I gave up on JC around mid-summer, I think. In the fall, I kept trying to get back in the groove, and made several arrested attempts to address my ever-burgeoning belly. Nothing was working for me and it was as if I was watching myself get bigger and bigger and bigger, feeling helpless and almost even resigned to it. Terrible feeling.

At Christmas, I included Geneen Roth's Breaking Free from Emotional Eating in a bulk shopping order, for myself. I've been carrying it around from room to room. Last weekend I even read a couple pages. We are getting to know each other first, before committing to anything serious. Conquering this stuff is a marathon, not a sprint. Okay, that's two different metaphors in one paragraph.

My fear about committing to reading the book is silly, but here it is: I feel like, you're supposed to eschew all notions of dieting if you want to get over the compulsive eating thing. But I don't want to be this fat! I want to get thin and THEN get over my compulsive eating. Which I know is counter-intuitive. You don't need to tell me! It's okay. I am living with the fear, making friends with it, disarming it with my charm. (Maybe that's why it's taking so long?) When I'm ready to go there, I will.

Meantime... Weight Watchers!

I decided to give it yet another go. This time, I am going to meetings, not just tracking online. I don't know if I'll stick around at the actual meetings - I tend to look for support through the online communities I am a part of, including this outlet (hint, hint) - but I find it helps me to stay on track if I am accountable to a Scale Nazi.

The new program rocks. FRUIT IS FREE! It's still about points, but the points are calculated differently, with more emphasis on foods that are protein and fibre rich. Foods with a lot of carbs have more points than they used to. Ironically, this no longer applies to the complex carbs found in fruits. It's fantastic.

I lost 6.8 pounds in the first week, which was very encouraging. Of course I feel the need to add the proviso that I always lose big in the first week. We shall see how it goes moving forward. One thing I will say is that I am going to make a concerted effort to avoid the "party on the weekend" mentality that was slowing my progress down in the past. Used to be I got weighed on Saturday mid-morning and then ate everything in sight the rest of the day. Bad idea jeans. I suspect it was affecting my metabolism.

Anyway.

I'm back!

Jul 29: Family Weekend approacheth

2010-07-29T09:57:00.005-04:00

Heya rubberneckers!

Whassup. So, I lost 2.2 pounds last week. Right on! I am still 1.4 above where I was pre-birthday, and that in itself was around a pound up from my glorious, all-too-brief visit with the 140s. I am trying my dangdest not to get caught in this stubborn up-down-up-down cycle that tends to happen when I get bored. But you know what they say: tryin' is lyin'. Do, or do not. There is no try. Eh, suck it Yoda.

So on Saturday we are heading to my mom's for the annual Family Weekend extravaganza. Back mid-day on Monday. My plan is to hold off on getting drunk and eating everything for as long as I can, which may take me to as late as Saturday night. We'll see.

The last session of Booty Boot Camp was supposed to be last night. I skipped it, and then it turned out it got cancelled due to thundershowers. So it's been rescheduled for Friday night, and now I have to face the whole guilt trip over again about wanting to skip it but knowing it is for my own good, blah, blah etc. I am still SO not interested in sweating and making effort. This of course contributes to the up-down-up-down phenomenon. Or is a result of it.

I had a totally crazy notion that has not yet departed the swirling, dry ice pensieve where my thoughts live, which is to sign up for TWO locations of Booty Boot Camp (a Mon/Wed class and a Tue/Thurs class) - just for the month of September. Four weeks of pain and whinging. The idea is to bank on the limited amount of Fall Renewal Energy that I always have - you know, that sense that it's another school year, everything's a blank slate and if you just apply yourself, you could really hit the big time as far as achieving your potential. It's the Back To School factor, which I have never quite shaken, some 20 years after school has ended for me.

So I'll keep you posted. Meantime, pray for me as I go for the gold this weekend. I will settle for bronze. Actually, a certificate saying I've completed the weekend would be fine.

Jul 20: Aqua Fit Hunger Force

2010-07-20T11:44:00.008-04:00

Number one in the hood, yo!

So, I mentioned last week that I was gonna give Aqua Fit a go. Most atypically, I followed through and actually went. Right on! Pointsss!

It was pretty much as I had anticipated. Not very challenging, and for the first time in my life, I was the youngest and fittest person at a group exercise class. Am I going back? You bet your Hand Banana I am!

It was so great to be in a pool again. Something about the scent of chlorine is so comforting. Maybe it's the guarantee of safety from horseflies, weeds, water snakes and leeches. Maybe it's blueness. Yeah, I realize it isn't blue. kthx. I don't know. Me and chlorine, we go way back. When I was a kid, my intrepid single mom worked hard and got a promotion and we moved out to a deluxe townhouse in the suh-huh-burb. We chose our unit for its close proximity (directly across the street) to the pool. In summer, my mom didn't need to worry about babysitters. I was in the pool all day, every day. My parents called me "water baby". And then several years ago, I was at a job that was right around the corner from a community centre. I got into the habit of swimming every day on my lunch break. I had to buy a new bathing suit about three times a year, I swam so much. I loved it.

So back to the Aqua Fit. It wasn't very taxing. I almost felt guilty for going to an exercise class and not feeling more desperate for it to be over. I decided I could show up half an hour early and swim lengths, to get a bit of cardio action. So tonight I'm stopping at The Bay to pick up some new goggles, perhaps even an Esther Williams flowered bathing cap, and then heading for the pool.

Right on!

Jul 19: Echo... echo... echo... [sniffle]

2010-07-19T14:52:00.005-04:00

Hey man, where'd everybody go?!!!

I am lonesome. To prove it, I ate an entire box of Lucky Charms yesterday. Alas, it wasn't until I checked my Google Analytics yet again and discovered a sad little lumpy trail very close to zeroes every day that I realized, over the top antics and food contest triumphs are useless in cyberspace unless you blog about them.

Maybe y'all are just echoing my own apathy back at me. Too hot too type. Well, sure.

Anyway, I went back to JC on Saturday. My weight has zoom, zoom, zoom-a-zoomed, up to 154 pounds. You would think that would have prevented the Lucky Charms incident but you would have thought wrong. And I would have been insulted that you know me so little after a year and a half of this vicious cycling. As it happens, no harm was done since this place is emptier than a dictionary entry for "refudiate".

Come back, my people! I need you!

Jul 15: Back on the ole Wagon Wheel

2010-07-13T12:08:00.005-04:00

Okay, okay, my rebellious foray into stomach expansion has at last played itself out. I am still in the process of ascertaining exactly how much damage my little jaunt has wrought. I weighed myself on Saturday morning. It was not pretty. I was up 7 pounds from the day I flew out west (about a week and a half earlier), and that number was already up a few pounds from the birthday eatings. Of course a lot of it is water weight. I have dropped 5 pounds in the last 5 days of wagons east.

I am currently not at all interested in exercise. Last week it was sweltering, India-hot in Toronto. Since I was OTW anyway, why would I struggle through booty camp when instead I could make a beeline for air conditioning and pizza? (Um, how about, because it's better to sweat from exercise than from bloat? Yeah.)

I went to Booty Camp last night for the first time in 2 weeks. So much for the exercise motivation of not wasting money I've already spent on a class. Ah well. It was tough but not terrible. I was totally inspired by a new woman who is much heavier than me, toughing it out, finishing last in all of the cardio courses set out for us (run to certain point, do 5 pushups, run some more, do burpees, run up and down hill, do sit-ups, etc.) When I'm falling behind I just skip the pushups or whatever, but she was doing everything, no matter how long it took her. I thought, good on her. (Less so on me...) She and I were later partnered up for an insane exercise (one person is on the ground in pushup position, the other grabs pushup person's legs, sort of wheelbarrow style, and you have to do pushups with them holding your legs up. We both fell on our faces with every attempt) -- anyway, we both just congratulated each other on even BEING there and decided not to worry about keeping up with the January Joneses.

Tonight I am going to check out Aqua Fit at the Manulife Centre Good Life club. It's the only Good Life in Toronto with a pool, and it's only a 10 minute walk from my apartment. I thought I'd try something a little lower impact, in water no less, since my motivation to sweat is not what it has been in the past. (Well geez I sweat every day just walking to work!) Part of me feels guilty for "taking the easy way out" i.e. going to an exercise class for old ladies and fatties. Isn't that lame? Anyway, I realize my hubris will most likely splash water in my face when the old ladies kick my ass into the deep end tonight. We shall see.

What about y'all? Do you exercise in summer? How do you stay motivated? I go pretty easy on myself. Perhaps too easy, but then again, at least I come back to it eventually. What I lack in stamina I make up for in Sisyphusian determination. Or, inevitable anxiety about my ever-bulging pooch. Either way.

Jul 7: I ca fee my tugh

2010-07-07T15:33:00.008-04:00

Dearest bloglodytes,

It's been a little while. I like to keep you in suspense. Currently I am in my early summer shame spiral. It's an annual event for this time of year. Not feeling too shamey, I am happy to report. Here's the sitch: my birthday is June 26. This year, the festivities started a little early. We had pre-birthday birthday week eatings. Then there were the birthday eatings. Not too bad this year, actually. This was followed by a couple of days of post-birthday eatings. Oops. Next thing you know, it's June 30 and I'm on a plane out to my Nana's for 4 days of family eatings. I made fair-to-middling attempts to keep the sabotage light and airy, like a buttery croissant. Getting drunk those two nights didn't help. Ah, WTF. It's family. I'm supposed to endure it sober?

So anyway. I came back on Sunday morning this week. Red-eye. I went to bed when I got home, and when I woke up later I felt like, hmmm... not done eating yet. So this week has been total baron munchausen. I haven't weighed myself since before I left for my Nana's - a week ago, come to think. I keep thinking I can still rescue this trainwreck, get rid of at least the water retention numbers before I get weighed on Saturday. But then I start to feel reckless. But then I see myself in the mirror. But then I think of chocolate. But then my pants are not as roomy. You can see my dilemma!

Anyway, slightly off the rails at this point. I just ate a 235 gram bag of Salt and Vinegar chips, here in my office at work. The bag was hidden from view in one of my canvas grocery bags. I was sneaking handfuls out. (SECRET EATING!!! The best kind for obsessive eaters such as I!) Alas, my tongue feels like it went for a swim in the Dead Sea. This gives new meaning to the term "salty tongue". Fuck, yeah!!!

Later dudes. Enjoy the summer shame spiral.

Jun 21: "Birthday Week"

2010-06-21T15:51:00.002-04:00

Stumblers upon,

First things first, I will relieve you of your hopping crossed-leg feeling of anxiety and assure you that I lost a pound this week and have now crossed from one meaningless family of numbers to another. Weight: 149.4; total lost: 21.6 pounds. Good on me.

Saturday I came back from the weigh-in to surprise pizza and wings. In the afternoon! Insane. Saturdays are a day of gluttony and indulgence in my household. It's kinda disgusting but it is one of life's small pleasures.

Anyway, Sunday I got back on the horse, until I came home from the shopping mall and felt like eating ice cream and such. Then take out Thai for dinner, followed by macademia nut cookies and All Dressed. Yiiiiikes. Food coma. Two nights in a row of this crap is a punishment. The Miaouw reassures me: "It's Birthday Week!" The Miaouw loves a good week of totally insane eating and gluttony as much as the next guy. More than most guys, actually. Last year we had TWO cakes on my birthday. Cake is one of my all-time favourite things to binge on, but even so, that was an embarrassing amount of cake. I am going to put my foot down this year with the Miaouw, though. One king size cake only.

It is interesting, though, going through a night of bingeing and watching myself from my Samantha-from-Bewitched perch at the top of the room. You can't read a book about eating awareness and then engage in compulsive eating without some degree of cringeing/shoulder shrugging. I tell myself it is okay to do anything that I want to do as long as I choose to do it with awareness. Sometimes awareness is something I fight against, I think. Tricky stuff.

Anyway, off to do booty-busting penance tonight.

Jun 17: Just hey-sayin

2010-06-17T12:30:00.004-04:00

Heya folks,

Yeah, I got nuthin. Last week I gained .4, so I am still clinging stubbornly to the 150s. It's fun here! You should try it. Have some ice cream. Or, some celery, depending. God aren't you sick of it? I know I am. At the same time, after awhile, I find I settle into a rhythm. I am sick of it mattering so much to me though. So I pretend that it doesn't. Fake it to make it. Sometimes that even works.

Booty Boot Camp fucking hurts like a motherfuck. Sorry Christians and under-agers, but it's the truth. Ah well. There is satisfaction in getting through a class, to be sure. I haaaate when I look around because I am taking a break when my gluteous is maximussed out, and I see all these skinny ...young ladies... still cheerily lifting their tiny asses off the ground. At such times I comfort myself with the fact that I am out there AT ALL. (Which I wasn't, yesterday. Sigh. I felt as though I'd cheated on my taxes or littered or something.)

On Monday I did 45 mins of cardio before Bootcamp, which I thought was superior work. I went to the gym for another 45 mins of cardio on Tuesday, and was set to repeat the pre-Bootcamp cardio last night, when suddenly I was hit with a wave of exhaustion. I went home with the intention of napping and then doing a run on the treadmill later in the evening instead. Anybody laying odds on how that worked out? (Tip: go for the safe bet.)

So tonight I have plans to do some sort of something or other. And tomorrow, glorious Summer Friday (my office has summer flex hours - we work 45 mins longer for 9 days and get the 10th off, i.e. every other Friday) my plan is to get out my beautiful, dusty Specialized bike (that's me posing with it during a bike tour of British Columbia in 2003) and go for a loooooong bike ride on Lake Ontario's glistening-if-you-don't-look-too-closely shoreline.

And then on Saturday I will get weighed in BUT I TOTALLY DON'T CARE IF I HIT THE 140s.

Have a great weekend fwiends.

Jun 9: Distortion

2010-06-09T16:43:00.004-04:00

Fwiends, Womans, Countwymen!

How's everybody? I am a little bit shy, after posting my gearing up for change blog last week. Feels like, okay, I put it out there, so now I have to do it. Which... not really. Since posting it, I have retreated in a most typical fashion, resisting my own throw-down to self. That's okay. I recognize it as part of my process. Haven't picked up the Geneen Roth book since, either. I could get all mean and bully myself over it, but instead I find myself laughing gently as a parent does toward a child (or as a human companion does toward a cat). Oh, Lindsay! You silly girl! I say it to myself affectionately. Practicing kindness as best I can.

Meantime, for those who only pretend to be highly evolved and really want to know the numbers sitch, I have now lost 20.6 pounds. Last week I went in to JC all set to gain access to the long lost land of the 140s. Of course my body defied me and I lost .6, which put me at exactly 150. Fine, if that's the way you want to be about it, body... uh, okay. Next week. Or, the week after. Whatever. I'm highly evolved and don't care one whit.

On Monday I went to my first session of Booty Camp Fitness. I had my last [sniffle!!] session with Derek on Friday, so it was perfect timing. Booty Camp is for the ladeez only. It's twice a week in an outdoor setting and it seems designed to rip your quad muscles into shreds. Two days later, they are sore to the touch. I do know from the last time I did it that the soreness goes away after a couple of sessions. It is a brutal workout. They make Derek look like Roseanne. Anyway, that's the fitness update.

Okay, on to subject heading: today's blog is about uncertainty regarding body image. For as long as I can remember, I have not been able to pass a reflective surface of any kind without glancing over for reassurance and/or self-flagellation. It's humiliating to admit one's extreme vanity, but there it is. The thing is, I just can't tell. Sometimes I'm walking outside and I look in a darkened window and I'm like, hunh, not bad. Okay, you can pass for average. Next thing you know I am punished severely for my hubris by the bathroom mirror at work.

I know my measurements, and when I watch shows like Bulging Brides and The Last 10 Pounds Bootcamp, I see these women who have similar measurements to mine in their "before" stage, and to me they look pretty average. But I am so conditioned to think of myself as "the fat girl" that I don't trust what I see in the mirror (unless it's the distorted fat-view). And of course, I always factor in my height (5'2"). I might have similar measurements to the women on the shows I mentioned above, but if that's the case, I usually assume I'm 5 inches shorter than them. Sometimes yes, sometimes no. But when it comes to assessing where I sit on the spectrum of body types, I really honestly just do not know. I think that I must be fooling myself when I see a reflection that looks okay (if not fantastic).

I always used to say that my goal in wanting to lose weight is not to be super-skinny - I don't even entertain the notion anymore. I just want to be able to walk down the street and feel like I am average. "Not fat." Like, if someone were to casually glance at me, they would not mentally classify me as overweight. (Spoken like a person who does this to everyone else she passes on the street. Urgh.)

At the first session of Booty Boot Camp two nights ago, I scanned the group of about 30 women, vainly searching for someone with lumps and imperfections. (Most of the women there were about 15-20 years younger than me and looked the way I'd hope to look in my "after" picture.) I was relieved to spot a few, and even more relieved that, actually, I didn't really care all that much. I'm out there, challenging myself, working just as hard as any of the other women. Some of us may have a little futher to go. Some of us may never reach the "destination". I think part of "getting ready to get ready" is letting go of this false destination, and re-setting my sights on a more fulfilling goal. I suspect if I ever find a way to absorb the Geneen Roth message, it won't matter. I will accept my body.

Not there yet. Not even close. But... closer than I used to be. And that's good enough for now.

Jun 1: Getting ready to get ready

2010-06-01T10:44:00.007-04:00

Two or three lifetimes ago, I confided to a new friend that I was unhappy in my marriage and that I didn't know what I was going to do about it. She gave me some very simple and compassionate advice that I have always remembered: "Give yourself permission to do nothing about it, except get ready for change." At the time, I was young (24) and it hadn't occurred to me that I could just sit with my feelings, be aware that I had a problem but do nothing to solve it. Her advice came as such a huge relief to me. "When you're ready to do something, you will." She was right.

Well I've been giving myself permission to not deal with my dieting and eating addictions for about 10 years now. Not that this has only been a problem for 10 years. But 10 years ago was when I started seeing a therapist after successfully dieting down to 120 pounds. Despite the fact I preened in front of every mirror I passed, I was utterly miserable. My job was stressful, I was over worked and under appreciated. I was engaged to a guy I loved dearly but was not in love with. I hungered, but I did not know for what. I got into the habit of binge eating for 2-3 days after getting weighed in, and then exercising furiously and eating frugally for the rest of the week in a desperate bid to hold on to my new thin body.

I told my new therapist about my diet/binge cycle and she said if I really wanted to get to the core of the problem, I needed to stop dieting all together. "Eat whatever you want," she told me, even if it was cake for dinner. Music to my ears! I gained 20 pounds in the space of a couple of months. (Hmmmm, my inner Marge Simpson thought.) She also suggested that I try "eating in awareness". That is, don't watch TV, don't read, don't do anything else while you are eating. Stay in the moment and pay attention to what happens when you eat. I tried it a few times and I gotta admit, it freaked me out. I found the exercise too challenging. It made me afraid.

I'm not sure what I was afraid of, but I can tell you that the fear has never left me. It is at times paralyzing, debilitating, and probably contributes greatly to my cycling depression in the past few years. I know that I'm afraid that "there is no cure" for what ails me. I've tried to just accept that binge eating is "what I do", and tried to control it with a balance of eating well and exercising in between. But I know there's a lot more to it, and that I've been afraid of the hard emotional work I need to do to get to the bottom of it.

Some time later, after I'd quit my stressful job, broken up with my fiancé, gained 10 more pounds and stopped seeing this therapist, I realized that I wasn't ready to deal with the core issues behind my eating disorder. In the interim years since then, I've yo-yo'd up and down the scale, been officially diagnosed with binge eating disorder, sought treatment that I wasn't ready for, and started to believe that there is no hope for me, that I will always look to food as my best friend and worst enemy, recognize it as hollow and superficial but keep running back to it, seeking the validation I desperately crave. All along, in the back of my mind, I know that diets don't work, that I am substituting food for... something, that I am avoiding dealing with some fundamental core issues. When I have those conscious moments of awareness, I soothe myself by saying, "give yourself permission to do nothing, until you are ready". I think sometimes it just takes as long as it takes, and the best thing we can do for ourselves is forgive ourselves for needing and taking comfort where we know we can find it, even if it is fleeting.

In my blog from last month, Coping with success, my beloved friend Joy commented that she'd been reading Geneen Roth's latest book, Women, Food and God. Joy said Geneen Roth has been around a long time writing about "food stuff", but I had never heard of her. I did a bit of googling and decided to check out some of her writing. So I went out one restless Saturday night and picked up one of her first books, Feeding the Hungry Heart. On the way back from the bookstore, I bought a huge bag of chocolate from the bulk candy store. Heh.

It took me a couple of weeks to start reading it. And I am reading it in small bits, taking time to absorb the message. But as soon as I opened the book and read the introduction, I realized I had found someone who understands. It gave me hope. My intuition had told me this would be my experience, before I even opened the book. (Hence the pit stop for chocolate en route home, avoiding the book for a couple of weeks, etc.... I knew reading it would, or could, lead to facing some powerful demons.)

I have not given up dieting (have lost 20 pounds, FYI), and I have not given up bingeing on weigh in day. But I am getting ready to make a change, to face the real hunger within. It feels like the right time, at last.

I'll keep you posted!

May 11: Back up on the horse-wagon

2010-05-11T10:08:00.008-04:00

Hello my little two-bite brownies,

[Aside: after a quick perusal of the Goog, it seems that Homestyle Two Bite Brownies are a Canadian delicacy, available in some US markets, but not pervasively. One less delicioush temptation for my American fwiends to deal with...]

Well anyway. Now that I've made myself crave. Just a quick check in. I gained .4 this week, which, considering my steely lack of determination last week is not bad. I have re-doubled my efforts this week (oh, except I finished off the dregs of the Miaouw's bag of Ringolo's last night. And some sort of nomtastic goodies in the kitchen at work yesterday. Pawdammit, everywhere I turn I am confronted by delicioushnesh.)

Anyway, inspired by my colleague and namesake L-Mac2, I have decided this will be a week of perspiration. Ran on Sunday night, worked out hard yesterday with Derek, and tonight I have big plans to go to a group exercise class at Good Life. Not sure which one/which location yet. If I don't do that, I will go home and run. But I thought it would be good to change it up a bit. Plus, the group ex classes are an hour, which I am less likely to do on my own, je confess. I'm looking at Body Pump, which combines light weights with cardio. Or maybe Body Combat: a-judo, a chop-chop-chop! I like the kicking and punching business.

Anyway, the big plan is to work out in some capacity every day this week. It's mighty do-able. I gotta give thanks to my girl L-Mac2 for her shining example. I love how we all inspire each other to do more.

So, what are you going to do this week to achieve the perspiration goal? (I've decided my goal shall be your goal. Unless you don't want to.) If you're still tied to your couch (no judgies! I love the greencouch), here's something to consider: The Couch Potato Workout. I've been meaning to try it for awhile. Anyway, it's better than nothing!

Did I say this was a quick check in? Stop talking! (Not you. Please, continue to talk.)

May 7: Coping with success

2010-05-07T11:42:00.009-04:00

Remind me not to go on about how great I'm doing. It only leads to my split personality type demon thing resolving to knock me down a peg or four.

Okay, no, I haven't eaten the entire city. It only feels like it. My diseased perspective sees everything as an all-or-nothing battle royale. That's how the demon thingy gets a foothold. I have a moment where I waver uncertainly and while I try to catch my balance this little self-hating punk skateboards into me and I'm splat on my ass on the sidewalk, picking up the pieces of my tattered self esteem.

Okay, no. Sorry, I do enjoy the theatrics. Basically everything's fine. I haven't given into the call of the wild eating yet. Most days this week I had a little something extra. A package of Rolos on Sunday. Two thirds of a bag of Kettle Corn popcorn on Tuesday. A small bowl of BBQ Fritos on Wednesday. Four little single serving boxes of raisins instead of one. That sort of stuff. And all week I have been fighting off a powerful urge to stop at the Shoppers Drug Mart on the way home and pick up a box of chocolates. On Tuesday I went so far as to go into the store and stare at them. That was the night I got popcorn instead - I figured 500 extra calories was a win, compared to 1500 for the chocolates. I reckon y'all would agree.

I also have done pretty much SFA this week as far as exercise. Yesterday I actually lugged my gym bag to work, full intentions to run with the Ladies, then... didn't feel like it. I lugged the bag home again, rather than leaving it at work overnight since I work out with Derek on Fridays. I told myself I might feel like running at home that night. And actually, after watching two episodes of The Last 10 Pounds Bootcamp, I even kinda wanted to go downstairs for a run. I wound up talking myself out of it.

It's all a mental game. There's a feeling of having hit a threshold for willpower or something. Rebelliousness sets in. Gah. I hate that I'm like this. I see it all unfolding as it has so many times in my life and I'm just sort of at a loss. I worry that failure is inevitable, so why not just give in to it? The little extras each night would be okay, to a point, but of course a little extra never seems like enough. There is no indulgence big enough to satisfy this craving. I know, because I will eat to the point of physical pain, rest for awhile and then return to the source of affliction, still pretending that it holds some sort of comfort. And I know it doesn't! And I know I don't want to sabotage myself! And yet, clearly I do. Or, the skate-punk demon thingy does. I kinda want to punch my own lights out a bit.

I feel like the best thing to do is to not react. Just chill, sit with the feelings as long as I can stand to, not try to stifle whatever it is that is driving this urge to sabotage myself.

Feh. God I bug myself. Anyway, whatever, I'll be fine.

May 3: Weekend of wins

2010-05-03T12:55:00.007-04:00

Hi-yooooo!

Fresh off my triumphant finish at the Sporting Life 10k run in Toronto! Okay, I gotta admit, I didn't triumph as triumphantly as I was hoping to. I finished in 1:07:07, which is exactly 2 minutes faster than last year. This is not insignificant, but less than I was shooting for. I feel like I did not have the mental strength to soldier through, take fewer walking breaks, etc. With about 2-3 km (1.5-2 miles) left in the race, I knew that if I could focus enough to slow down my pace but keep it steady, without anymore breaks, that I could meet my goal. And I made the choice not to suffer for it. I did a good job and I'm proud of my improvement. I'm just not one of those athletes who knows how to suffer.

And really, the race felt like suffering to me. About halfway through I was thinking to myself about how much I just wanted to walk the rest of the way. I don't know if this is just something runners go through when they are out there on race day, or it's because it doesn't come naturally to me or what. Maybe I just have to keep working at it, to improve my fitness, so it isn't so difficult to finish. The first 20-30 minutes of the run went great. Although, okay. That's where there are a couple of really great downhill grades. (The advantages of which, by the way, are purchased on credit with payment in full to be delivered to my thobbing quads the next day.)

I am still determined to improve, and try again in July for the 10 miler. I think I need to train outdoors more. I figured out why the treadmill is so much easier: it creates momentum that you have to make on your own when you run outside. Anyway, I know I have been improving my times and my endurance, and I'm motivated to keep working at it, but I just want to say: don't love running. Love the challenge, though. And the benefits I've seen. It's good to set goals and work to achieve them.

Congrats to all the Ladies of the Cancer, by the way. They totally smoked. I think five (?) of them broke an hour, and the others were not far behind. Hat tip to the Torq and Kat ("wrath of" in the comments) for all their ever-lovin support and encouragement.

Okay, the other triumph this week: lost 2.4 pounds! WORD. My metabolism is like a tourist meandering along Yonge St., taking in the sites, in no great hurry, and I'm trying to get around them so I can pick up my pace. Er, I think that metaphor got away on me. Point being: slow. So if I lose more than a single pound in a week, it's great news. Thus, I was very happy with the number. I am through trying to believe that the numbers on the scale don't mean anything! I love the numbers!

Apr 26: Return of the Stubby Hourglass

2010-04-26T12:12:00.004-04:00

Wouldja lookit the date on this post? It's almost MAY! It's a windy day here in Toronto and on my walk to work I looked up and saw a big old tree, covered in glorious green leaves, rustling and swaying to and fro, and it just made me beam. Love this time of year! Blossoms on the trees everywhere too. Fabulous.

Okay, so on Saturday I had my monthly measurements taken. In addition to the .8 of a pound lost, bringing the grand total to 15.4, I was heartened to learn I've lost another 2 inches off my waist, plus an inch off the pooch and an inch off the gazongas as well. The hips remain stubbornly shapely. Rump likes being rump!

Since the start of February, I've lost seven inches from my waist! Wow. My middle was getting pretty thickly there. My measurements as of Saturday are 38-30-41. (Maybe 41.5?) If I was 4 or 5 inches taller, that actually wouldn't be too bad! But for now, I'm pretty pleased - at least everything is in proportion. Total inches lost all over is 19. But I take this number with a grain of salt because they now measure the abdomen/pooch, which means you get another bunch of inches to add to your overall total that once went un-tracked. Still, though, it is great to see the progress represented numerically: NINETEEN! NINETEEN INCHES OF FAT REMOVED, AH, HA, HA, HAAAAAAAAA!

Okay so this Sunday is the big 10k run. I'm feeling ready - last night I ran 5.5 miles (10k is about 6.2 miles), in a blistering time of 57:51. I don't know how it's going to go, running outside. Last year I was surprised by how much faster I ran than I had been training/expecting. I think a lot of it is the adrenaline, the excitement of the event, being surrounded by all these other runners, the energy you get from one another. I would like to better my time from last year (1:09:07) by 4-5 minutes if possible. I feel like I've been training a lot stronger and faster than I was last year. But I realize that's a lot of time to shave. I'll be happy with any time that is an improvement on last year.

Rock on kiddiewinks!

Apr 20: Marathons for commoners

2010-04-20T16:06:00.017-04:00

Hello little cherubs,

First, let us count: this week's numbers
Saturday weigh-in says I lost 1.4 pounds last week. Yesss! Total grows to 14.4. Monthly measurements are next week.

Also, on Sunday I ran 5 miles continuously i.e. no walkie breaks! Holy shiza, that was new for me. I did all of it at a pace of over 5.5 mph. Actually most was at 5.7. My time was 52:49. And yesterday, I finally managed to run a mile at 6 mph pace (i.e. a 10 minute mile), without a break. I am trying to get used to running a faster pace, for shorter distances at least, so I am not continually shamed by the Ladies of the Cancer. This is contingent on none of them improving, of course.

Segue to the point
So clearly the running thing occupies a steady presence in my mental top 5 these days. I was talking to impressive actual marathoner Claire at work today. She referenced the upcoming Mississauga Marathon, which she is participating in. She mentioned wanting to beat Oprah's marathon time of 4½ hours. Dang, Oprah! That seems pretty good to me. This got me to Googling, and I came across an article from that bastion of Fancy Feast chumming for the pop philosopher fishies, salon.com, entitled How Oprah ruined the marathon by Edward McClelland.

The article was first published in November 2007 so it's not new. The author's incendiary complaint is that marathons have ceased to be competitive now that Oprah has brought her self help book club legions to the party, convincing everyone that anyone can run a marathon, and that the point of running one is not to win, but just to finish the damn thing. Hence the average race time in American marathons has expanded by around 45 minutes in the past 15 years. Schleps everywhere are bringing down the average in their selfish aspiration to get fit and challenge themselves to do something once unthinkable.

When Oprah expanded the sport, she also lowered the bar for excellence. For the previous generation of marathoners, the goal had been qualifying for Boston. Now, it was beating Oprah. Her time of four hours and 29 minutes -- the Oprah Line -- became the new benchmark for a respectable race. (That was P. Diddy's goal when he ran New York.)

Once the supreme test for hardened runners, the marathon became a gateway into the sport. Soon, gravel paths were crowded with 5-mile-an-hour joggers out to check "26.2 miles" off their life lists.

The guy comes off like an elitist twat, even if I kinda understand his point. I thought this was sort of funny if elitist and twatty:

I met a lawyer who started running because, "They say if you can run a marathon, you can do anything!" The marathon was no longer a competition. It was a self-improvement exercise.

Well anyway, who cares if some people use it as a self-improvement exercise? A test of their mettle, their ability to set a goal, stay focused on it, commit to seeing it through to completion. And all the while they improve their health and fitness. As long as the workhorse softies stay at the back, there's room on the road for both the inspirational athletes and the commoner schleps.

That does it. I've just decided: after the 10k in May, I will focus on my next goal: the Acura 10 miler (16k) in July. I'm doin' it! If that goes okay, who knows. A half-marathon schlep may be in my future. And if I can run half a marathon, I can half-do anything!

Apr 14: The case for personal training

2010-04-14T12:04:00.004-04:00

Good lunchtime, good people!

I had an awesome run last night. Per the training schedule the Ladies of the Cancer are using for the Sporting Life 10k on May 2nd, I ran 4.5 miles last night. I have been trying to gently increase my speed and endurance. On shorter run nights I set a higher speed on the treadmill and try to run my fastest mile (best so far is 10:24 - I am aiming for 10:00, or 6 mph, for now). So I ran 3 miles without resting, in around 32:50. Which is great, averaging an 11 minute/5.5 mph mile. Very happy with that at this point. My time for the whole run was 50:56, so not quite the 11 minute mile on average, but still, I was pretty happy. It is good to see progress, and to feel it.

Alright, so, subject line. Hang on: background to subject line. My contract at the cancer place is ending on July 31. I've been here for almost a decade. Almost my entire 30s! So, I look forward to a change. It's been a good home and allowed me to buy a modest condo in downtown TO, but, yeah. Need a break, and a change.

So I'm saving a nest egg for the "break" part of that, which means changing my budget. I'm giving up my personal training after this last batch of sessions I've paid for are used, which... I'm not sure (can't bear to find out), but I think is soon. In a month or so. I'll have to check with Derek.

The cost over a year for my personal training was around $8000. Holy geez I could probably buy some decent plastic surgery with that! I used to worry about it being an indulgence, but the Miaouw reassured me - hey, it's my money to spend! I have to say that, for me, it was money well spent. It kept me going to the gym faithfully twice a week, no matter how I was feeling, what I was eating, how depressed I was, or injured. I know I would not have been going to the gym in the fall if I hadn't been financially committed to going.

But I was glad when I went. And I worked out harder than I ever would have done on my own, using muscle groups I'd never worked before and learning about better technique, etc. I told Derek I wanted Michelle Obama arms and by god I will have them one day! In the fall and winter, he checked in with me every week about my depression, and was totally supportive and non-judgmental when I confessed falling into old eating patterns, how shitty it made me feel about myself, but that I was committed to working hard for that one hour with him.

I'm going to miss seeing him twice a week. He is a great guy and we have fun together; we have become friends. He calls me "Lindsay-son" (shouts it, actually, while I cringe) and I call him "Miyagi". It's dorky and awesome.

So I'm trying to plan for a more cost-efficient motivation to keep me in check once the sessions with Derek are used up. I think I will sign up for Booty Bootcamp again. I did a 4 week session in Fall 2008 and it was tough and awesome. It's women-only, outdoor, twice a week, rain or shine, an all-over workout with cardio and muscle resistance training. I couldn't walk for two days after the first session I went to. Anyway, much cheaper, outdoors (I hate the crowds in the group exercise classes at the gym), supporting small business and businesswomen, and social too. I will keep you posted.

Additional motivation: there is serious talk amongst the Ladies of the Cancer that we may sign up for the Acura Toronto 10-Miler on July 11. That's 6 more kilometres/4 more miles than we'll be running on May 2, with 2 months to train up to it. I think it's totally do-able and great motivation to stick with the fitness plan. Also, proceeds go the cancer fighters, so rah, rah, live the brand and all that!

Lunch time is over! Time for you to log in to Facebook and see what new postings are there!

xo
LQ

Apr 12: Thinspiration

2010-04-12T11:52:00.005-04:00

Easter recap: nom nom nom nom
Plateau update: down one pound over past 2 weeks - I think Easter nomming may have fired up my metabolism a bit? Anyway, I'm feeling okay. Total loss is 13 pounds since Feb 1.

What a feelin...
So I was at the gym on Friday for my torture session with Derek. It wasn't my best outing. I gotta admit, I was a little whiny. Derek wasn't in the mood for it (imagine if your job entailed listening to fat people whine about push ups - shudder). I was feeling kinda bad about it. Not like, slit my wrists bad or anything, but just... "you can do better than this".

Anyway, the last 7 mins of our workout, we were doing some cardio on the bike. The last minute is always a set of two 20 second sprints, and I go as hard as I can. I'm thinking it probably looks impressive, especially because I sweat so much that I look like the Flashdance water scene.

So in the locker room, I'm blow-drying my hair and this tall, gorgeous, fit woman with a fantastic afro walks up to me on her way out and says, "You were really inspiring me during my workout today". For reals! I said, "Right on!" and bumped fists with her. She inspired me right back, or helped me to reframe my negative thoughts and feelings about myself. Cool.

Hail Ana full of grace...
The Miaouw and I have been talking about the online pro-ana movement, or sub-culture, or cult, not sure which is the best term to describe it. It is freaky and alarming and fascinating. If you don't know what I'm talking about, the link above gives some info, but it's better to visit some pro-ana sites in themselves, where young girls defend anorexia nervosa as a "lifestyle choice", not a mental illness, and post images of skeletal models as "thinspiration". Yeeeikes.

The Miaouw pointed out that for some girls, this value set has morphed into a quasi-religion, in which they pray to the personification, "Ana" to give them strength to resist temptation, to forgive them when they slip, to make them "free and light". Whenever I land on one of these sites, I always wonder if it's real or satire. I mean, dude, it is So! Fucked! Up! Check this out, from Cassandra's site, ~Save Me Ana~:

Dear Ana,

I offer you my soul, my heart and my bodily functions. I give you
all my earthly possessions. I seek your wisdom, your faith and your feather
weight.

I pledge to obtain the ability to float, to lower my weight to the single digits, I pledge to stare into space, to fear food, and to see obese images in the mirror. I will worship you and pledge to be a faithful servant until death does us part.

If I cheat on you and procreate with Ronald McDonald, Dave Thomas, the colonel or that cute little dog. I will kneel over my toilet and thrust my fingers deep in my throat and pray for your forgiveness.

If you stay with me, I will worship you daily, I will run miles a day, come rain, snow, bitter cold or searing heat I will run from the pain and in fright. I will do 1,000 sit ups a day and lie to my family about what I eat and how I feel. I will stop weeping when I feel your warm arms embrace my shivering body. I will numb the hunger pains with razor blades and your strength.

If you give me the strength to fade away I will love you and worship you forever. When i'm finally faded to nothing, when you've given me the gift of ending this torturous life. I will float on to the next world and be thin and beautiful payment for my undying love for you in this world. I ask only one more thing you, please ana, take away this hatred for my pain and allow me to be free and light.

Forever, Cassandra

I think I speak for all of us when I say holy fucking jesus h KEY-RIST on a popsicle stick. How can this not be read as satire? I srsly don't get it. Wow.

As is typical of us, we miaouws have irreverently started throwing out prayers to Ana. The Miaouw asked me to print this image (by Ruth Gwily) off for him at work, for his "thinspiration". I did, and when I got home and saw half a stick of butter he'd left out on the counter, I tacked it to the fatty demon, right in its heart! We're gonna start work on a treatment for a new TV show: Ana the Butter Slayer.

Well anyway, that's a two-sided look at inspiration; one sane and healthy and slightly ironic; the other totally off the charts crazy for cocoa puffs that I shall stab myself in the eye with if I attempt to ingest one. Whatever works for y'all!

Mar 31: Plateaunic

2010-03-31T12:09:00.005-04:00

Sisters and brothers,

What's the word, now word up? Rhetorical question. Okay, so, how's everybody doing in the Battle of the Bulbousness? Are you sweating and grunting your way through thrice weekly workouts? Training for a marathon of aerobic smugness? Contemplating the idea of one day maybe taking the stairs? Forsaking second breakfast and feeling that's good enough for now? Some where in between? Let me know. Let us aaaaaallll know. Here at D-Weighted, we do not judge. Well, we judge, but not openly. Kidding, kidding! I keed because I love. You know that.

So, you want to know about me? How kind. Since you clicked, I will tell you. My last weigh in, on Caturday, was a little disappointing. I gained .2 of a pound. (How do you say that? "Point two of a pound"? If I was quick on the uptake I would say "a fifth of a pound" but calculation doesn't come as fast as the chatter. I mean, it's fine when you're blogging, but... 'k I'm bored with this aside.) So yeah. Up a fifth. Whatever, it's pretty insignificant and I'm not crying myself to sleep on my huge pillow or anything. But it always sucks to gain, especially when you ran four times that week and observed the Rules of Jenny.

Well, except for the previous Saturday night, when I polished off most of a bottle of wine, some cheese, a couple of one-bite brownies, and 2 pieces of Popeye's chicken w/ fries on the way home. Okay, when you put it that way, dang. It didn't seem so bad at the time. Maybe the double digit blood alcohol level affected my perspective (and my willpower) a smidge.

Even without the Saturday slip, I feel like my body is starting to dig in its heels (um, I am digging in my heels... but like, metaphorically... whatever). Plateaus [plateaux?] are inevitable and all one can do is suffer through them. When I've done all I can do (okay, not ALL, but a Saturday night slip once in awhile is called "living") in terms of eating right and exercising, I just have to feel okay about the fact that I'm healthy and this sort of fluctuation is out of my control.

This weekend I'm headed home for Easter with the fambly. My mom is also doing Jenny so that might help me stay straight. We shall see. Hope to get out for a hike with the Miaouw on Good Friday - the forecast is a glorious 25°C / 77°F and sunny. Bonus: my shorts fit again. And I will pack my running gear, try to get in a run on Saturday or Sunday morning. I asked/cajoled my brother about an Easter Egg hunt on Sunday morning. Being the younger sibling, it of course pissed me off the year my mom decided she'd had enough of hiding eggs. He got three more years of hunts! I threw a tantrum which resulted in my 16 year old brother buying two cartons of real-egg-size chocolate eggs and hiding them in the most elaborate, impossible spots imaginable. I think we were still finding eggs 3 years later. Anyway, he has two late-teens to frustrate and delight with his torturing skills this year. If there is a Hunt, I will present them with any of my kills, as a cat presents her mistress with the still-twitching small bird of the backyard.

Happy Easter or Passover or non-religious enjoyment of a Stat Holiday, everyone!

Mar 25: Googlers

2010-03-25T12:04:00.011-04:00

Hey, have a paw:

==3

Just thought I'd check in, say hey, extend the paw. Jenny serves me well - I lost another pound last week, word. The Cancer Ladies also serve me well - my cardio capacity seems to be improving, as are my run times. I did 3 miles on Sunday in 35 minutes and change, and then two days later I did the same run in 34:12. Tonight after work is a 2 mile run with the gals. I expect to huff and puff and hate every minute of it, but running with faster folks seems to be pushing me to extremes I wouldn't do on my own.

So, I use Google Analytics to obsess over who visits this blog. I happen to know, very few. That's fine. I mean, I was hoping by now to at least have my own TV show, but let's face it, I'm no Diablo Cody. (I totally would have worn the shoes.)

Anyway, every once in awhile somebody stumbles onto this blog as a result of a wayward Google search. By far the most popular entry for non-recruits is the one I wrote last April about the Google Maps pedometer. Somehow it got indexed by Google, and now shows up at the bottom of the first page of results when people search on "google maps pedometer". Hunh! Well I hope it's been helpful.

For shits 'n' gigs, I looked at the search terms used over the past year that brought people here (one at a time, for the most part). Here are some faves:

"president's choice" + decadent chocolate chip cookie
So referenced in the comments section of a blog asking what foods people cannot keep in their homes for fear of total annihilation within hours.

crazy lola say: i don't know what to say, he cheated on me with some girl for 5 months
This one made me laugh my ass off. So random.

fondle my biceps
Right on! I love that somebody searched this term, and that they came to my photo with the marked up biceps.

i really hate myself
Sad. I hope whoever searched on that term stopped feeling that way. Glad to say I did. (Not to say I didn't return to that feeling, but thankfully it's not a permanent condition.)

im 19 and bored (related: im frucking bored and depressed)
Wonder if Iggy Pop helped ease the pain for these two?

stale cereal calories
Another winner for the Cereal Killer post! Did the person searching these terms think stale cereal had fewer calories? The food is dehydrated, therefore less fluid, therefore less mass? Wow, I could be like a science genius.

what is the meaning for the sentence "hotter than i should be"
I love it when I am able to answer the tough questions for people.

mandibular disfunktion
This one had me stumped until I checked the comments section. My girl Cookie was referencing Temporo-Mandibular Joint disfunction. I had never heard of it when she mentioned it, and promptly forgot all about it until just now. And once I finish writing this sentence, I'll forget about it again. Did you say something?

Well alright, that was fun. Time to get back to work. Fondle your Google today!

Mar 18: Rump likes being rump

2010-03-18T12:34:00.005-04:00

(or, Notes on the Miaouw)

My cat-fetishizing significant other, referred to on this blog as the Miaouw, and by other qat-related monikers elsewhere, is an appreciator of RUMP. This is a fortunate thing indeed, since mine is ample. He was already half way in love with me without ever having laid eyes on my rump (plus it was significantly less ample back in the day), so I don't worry about him taking off like a cat out of hell once I finally shed some of this asstacular caboose.

Sometimes when I'm in the kitchen preparing a meal (read: shaking out some bagged salad, pressing "START" on the microwave, etc.), he will sneak up from behind and grab one of my cheeky protuberances and growl, "rrrrrrrrUMP!" appreciatively. Man that is a nice feeling.

I can't say for sure what it is about rump that attracts the Miaouw. Perhaps he is fascinated by it because of his decided lack of rump. There's barely anything there! Instead, he has a nice layer around his middle that he refers to as his "rind". He laments rind's spillover muffin-top effect, and makes sporadic attempts to fight the "fat tax", as he calls it. (I showed him my loosening trousers the other day and he said, "hey, fat rebate!" encouragingly.)

The Miaouw could stand to lose a few pounds, it's true. But he is a fan of gnaing [ŋīng]. He likes to gnaing wings, fries, pizza, and Ruffles All Dressed chips. (The latter is a Canadian culinary delight - a potent mix of barbecue, onion, garlic and salt and vinegar flavours. Gnnnnnaing!) Used to be the Miaouw could gnaing all the time and gain no weight. Apparently he was a skinny little bitch in high school who actively tried to gain weight. This led to the acquisition of really terrible eating habits. It gives us something in common, a foundation to build on

Two summers ago, he went on his very first diet and complained bitterly to me about how difficult it was for him, going from eating whatever he wanted, whenever he wanted, to having all these restrictions on his freedom to gnaing. Moved me to tears, it did. He eventually forsook the portion-controlled approach that I use, and now uses the "skip a meal" diet plan. He eats a bag of All Dressed, and then he just... skips a meal. Then he gets on the scale and the fucker has lost 5 pounds

Meanwhile, this week I have mysteriously gained 1 or 2 pounds, depending on the scale's mood. Okay, I had some chocolate and a couple handfuls of All Dressed on Saturday, but that's weigh-in day, and I let myself have a little treat on Saturdays to keep myself in line the rest of the week. Since then, I've worked out a couple times and stayed on the straight and narrow as far as Jenny is concerned. There is no explanation for the weight gain - and DON'T say water retention because this has happened to me before and the water does not go away. Seriously, sometimes I gain weight inexplicably and I look to the next week to lose it again and... I don't.

The Miaouw was spooning me in bed this morning - sometimes he demands rump, and who am I to turn him down? - and he said, "Maybe rump doesn't want to leave. Rump likes being rump!"

If you have a more plausible explanation, I'm all ears. Anyway, it's nice to know that rump can stick around for as long as it wants to, and at least one family member will be happy about it

Mar 16: Yogging

2010-03-16T11:27:00.006-04:00

Hello smatterings!

-- Shout out to non-clickers. Where were you yesterday?! You totally missed the Freudian self-diagnosis and admission of latent pomoherotic lovemaking with my digitus primus! Well, I left it up for you just in case.

So, yogging! Tonight after work I am running with the Ladies of the Cancer. I believe I may have mentioned that a group of us are going to train twice a week (Tuesdays and Thursdays) after work, in preparation for the Sporting Life 10k on May 2. Last Thursday I went out with them for the first time - we ran 2 miles, and it was humiliating, yo's.

Normally when I run on the treadmill, I go for around 10-12 minutes before taking a walking break. I start fairly slowly, then gradually increase my speed - every minute, I ratchet the speed up by a tenth of a mile (goes to counting obsession, Your Honour). I usually do this until I'm running at around 5 to 5.5 mph. So in point of fact, all this time I've been talking about "running", when really, as Ron Burgundy would say, "I believe it's jogging or yogging. It might be a soft j."

But these ladies, these... Sasha Fiercies... well, they actually do run. After we'd been out there five minutes and forty seconds, I glanced at my watch (so as to properly call the time of death). Oy. I was ready for a walking break but we'd only run half the time I normally run before taking a break. I pushed through to 9 minutes and then walked for a minute. We had planned to do 10 and 1s, i.e. run 10 minutes, walk 1. I normally run 12, walk 2. Maybe that's bad form. Well, I finished the run - did it in 25 minutes. Actually, that's about average for me, when I have been running 3 miles in 37-38 minutes. The next day I ran 4 and 1s at 5.5 mph at the gym, and did 2 miles in 24 minutes, so that seemed like progress

Tonight's run is slated to be 2.5 miles. One of the ladies suggested we do 5 and 1s. I am nervous that I will underperform again. But the ladies are all very encouraging and the main thing is, we are all out there gettin 'er done.

But, yeah. I feel fraudulent calling myself a runner. From now on, I am a yogger, and proud of it.

Mar 15: Orally fixated

2010-03-15T11:45:00.007-04:00

Pre-blog orders of business:

1. Beware the Ides!

2. Lost another pound and a half this week. Jennytotal: 11.4 pounds. I am grateful for the results but I still want to punch Jenny, and in particular I want to swat Sara Rue for her new perktacular commercial, losing 30 pounds in 12 weeks (GAH! Bitch!), and lisping. If it weren't for those three items, I would like her. She is very pretty.

On to the pornish blog title...
So I had this blog title in my head, kind of as a joke, because I wanted to talk about how (especially at work, when I am in full resistance mode) I have this behavioural issue around constantly ingesting. Most of the time this means I always have a can of DDP and/or bottle of water on the go, which ensures frequent trips to the bathroom to break up the monotony of editing the business users' manual for... zzzzzzzzzzzzz thunk.

Whooooops, fell asleep talking about what I do at work.

Anyway. In addition to the constant sippage, I spend a great deal of time thinking about my next meal, watching the clock in anticipation of the next opportunity to stimulate my mouth. So in preparation for this blog, I looked up "oral fixation". I remembered it vaguely from studying Freud in Psych 100 - the oral stage of development being the first experience of pleasure in a person's life, plus all this maternal relationship imbalance stuff. I find the psychosexual stuff and the matri/patricide fantasizing dodgy at best, and can remember feeling 100 years-too-late rage at Freud when studying his patriarchal condescending sexist theories, but okay, the guy had some ideas.

According to my buddy Wikipedia,

Oral fixations are considered to contribute to over-eating, being overly talkative... overindulging in sugar, chewing on straws and toothpicks... Other symptoms include a sarcastic or "biting" personality (known as "oral sadistic" qualities). Another indicator is constant nail biting, putting fingers in the mouth as well as biting any future sexual partners they may have.

Hunh.

Confession: I shit you not, I sucked my thumb until I was 18. I lived in constant fear of my brother outing me to friends, and in particular to my first boyfriend. (Ha! Totally beat him to it with this blog!) I don't remember how or why it stopped. Thankfully this hearty maxillary never required correction through orthodontics. Who knows, maybe I was destined for an underbite and the thumbsucking actually saved my parents thousands!

Anyway, yeah. Looking over the symptoms of oral fixation here: over-eater, check. Chatty, to be sure. Sugarholic, hello Beuller? Read the archives much? Sarcastic - see previous. Nail biter, why just this morning I destroyed my left ring fingernail. Finger sucker, not so much in the last 20 years, but, yeah. Biting sexual partners... well, it does say future sexual partners, so I think that buys me a bit of time on that category.

Well anyway, isn't it fascinating? Wikipedia doesn't say what to do with this information. I don't know if there is treatment. It seems this condition comes about during the breastfeeding process. Weaned too soon or not soon enough. Should I find myself a wet nurse and fashion a do-over of the breastfeeding stage of development so I can finally move on to anal fixation? Maybe hire a videographer so I can make a little something on the side by selling video to online fetishists?

I don't know, I think I may be on to something.

Mar 5: I'm still here

2010-03-05T12:25:00.005-05:00

Fwiends! The frozen core of my listless heart is at last beginning to thaw. Every day there are drips of sunshine and optimism gathering in a slushy aura that continues to grow. The tide is rising! Soon I'll be overflowing with... happiness? Okay, this metaphor is getting out of hand. I don't want to overstate it, but it's nice to feel something other than... nothing.

I've been faithful to the Microwave Diet for a month now, have lost 8.6 pounds (love the digital accuracy - even if you have a shitty week, you can say you lost .2 pounds), and last week when they took my measurements I was ASTOUNDED to hear I'd dropped almost 12 inches. This from chest (2 inches), waist (4 inches - cha!), pooch aka abdomen (3 inches) and hips (3 inches). Of course my first and lingering reaction is to assume she made errors in every measurement, but even if she was off by an inch at every spot, that's still pretty effin good. So this is encouraging.

Also, sunshine. Warmth. The Olympics. And, I think possibly upping the medication by 50% may be playing a role. But it's so hard to know for sure. There are environmental factors at play, as well as physiological ones, so who knows. It's just good to feel... better, if not great. It's supposed to be 10°C (50° American) and sunny this weekend. Sa-weeeeeet.

Some ladies from work are starting a running group after work on Tuesdays and Thursdays, to train for the Sporting Life 10k, which I'm going to do again this year. Sunday May 2nd - mark your calendars.

And, though I continue to have mixed feelings about my reliance on portioned meals, I do very well on the Jenny Craig program. It's easy to stick to, and there are tasty foods and snacks. I confess I spend much of the time between meals thinking about my next meal, but that's standard procedure. At least I know I'm enjoying the meal, not bitter about what I don't get to eat while I'm stuck eating boiled chicken and mmmmm, broccoli! Tonight I eat my petite Fish and Chips (ketchup food, yessss!) avec salad, plus my eensy chocolate cake with dollop of sugary chocolate icing on top for dessert. I can live with it.

About the only thing that's still pretty meh-inducing is my job, which fails to inspire, frequently enrages, but mostly just bores. My contract comes to an end on July 31, and then I'm taking a bit of a vacation from the working world and office culture. So that's the chocolate bar in front of the horse at the moment. Screw carrots.

How's everybody else doing?

Feb 16: Succombing to depression and Jenny Craig, in that order

2010-02-16T12:23:00.012-05:00

Darlinks,

If you've been following along, by now you know the pattern: declaration of renewed determination, regular updates, occasional complaints about lack of substantial progress, dimishing returns... radio silence. Weeks, sometimes months later: declaration of renewed determination!

I have to admit it's tough coming back here time and again to admit my defeat. I know that's not news, as generally the declaration post contains some sort of sheepish mea culpa, and this one is no different. The worst is looking at the laundry list of contributions to the diet industry over the past year: buying the Atkins book, signing up for Weight Watchers online (again), the thousands of dollars I have spent on personal training. And now, the inevitable return to Jenny. Fucking I hate Jenny and everything she stands for! Which is a tough stance to take, given the heavily branded contents of my freezer.

In the last 5-10 years of my life, I have struggled more and more with bouts of depression. I've been on a mild dosage of Celexa (a.k.a. citalopram) since summer 2006. In January I spoke to my doctor about the very difficult fall I've had and we upped the dosage from 20 to 30 mg/day, which felt like a backwards step since rightly or wrongly I have this judgment about needing to use drugs to control my mood – I thought this was going to be a temporary measure. Anyway, I think the increased dosage is helping, insofar as it allows me to go to work and function, but I still feel like a piece of clothing that's been washed a hundred times – faded, rumpled, shapeless. Ready for the GoodWill bin. Some days I feel like I have no emotions, just emptiness. Way in the back of my consciousness there is desire, to do something, to be someone, to find joy in creativity and interaction, but it's such a long push to get to the front of the haze of disinterest and lethargy that the fire of ambition is barely a flicker.

In the midst of this, there is one thing that brings joy, or a simulation of it, without fail: eating. If life has no flavour, food still does. So I succomb to it time and again, in the absence of any other excitement. And then my depression becomes more profound as my unhappiness with my appearance grows. It's vicious indeed.

Then you have the whole third world sitch, and the self-loathing only grows. God, I even loathe myself for indulging in self-loathing! GAH! All this navel-gazing, over indulgence in my appearance, my clothes that don't fit, how bad I want to chuck the diet and eat a box of chocolates or whatever. How much money I spend on trying to lose weight. How much energy I spend trying to forgive myself for the pre-occupation. And I don't think that's going to change. This is where I am, this is the life that I live. I live in a privileged culture that has spawned its own brand of life challenges. They are existential rather than practical, but they are real to me.

All these demons swirling around eventually led me back to the doors of Jenny Craig. I lost quite a bit of weight using this program in years past, and kept it off for a couple of years. I was always embarrassed to admit I was a client. I need my foods measured out and pre-packaged for me to prevent me from eating everything in sight. And I will pay far more than the food is worth for this "service"! Whatever, it works for me. I've lost 7.5 pounds so I feel good about the decision. I hate putting money into the industry, but sometimes self-image trumps politics.

So that's where I'm at right now. Kinda dark, kinda struggling with the self-like business, and then struggling with the struggle to self-like, as if that's not an indulgence in itself. I know there are so many of you who will understand this, and who will want to reassure me about my own likeiness. Thanks in advance. This is not a cry for validation or reassurance. I get that you dig me, just like I know you know how much I dig y'all, and appreciate your support. Mostly I just want to share.

This too shall pass.

Love and hugs to you all!

PS Plea from a cat named Lola:

Jan 19: I'm bored

2010-01-19T12:03:00.007-05:00

New and improved D-Weighted surround sound: Click PLAY.

The little arrow up there. Yes I'll wait.

Aight, that's it.

Okay, so if Iggy Pop is the Chairman of the Bored, I'm gonna put in for Secretary. Who will bring the motion? Second? Carried. I'm just going to go ahead and assume two of you raised your hands, since here you are, reading my meticulously captured minutes... Of the meeting... That goes on in my head... When there is nothing else there to fill it.

Moving on.
So, I lost a pound. A measly, paltry, beggarly picayune pound. (Hat-tip: thesaurus.com.) Blah, blah, blah, slow and steady, healthy rate of loss, etc., oh, and do me a favour and STFU. Golldangit, you kids, I sweated my BAWLLS off this week, racking up what I thought was an impressive 46 Activity Points, using only 9 of my 35 weekly flex points. And yet the fat, she stubbornly clings. What can I say, I have a very attractive skeleton. Can't get those squatter fat cells to move out without building a frigging barricade and starving them out, it seems.

Ah well. When life hands you... nothing, make nothingade. Assholes.

Continuing good work
I've been back at the running. I ran twice last week. I'm trying to stick with 3 miles / 5 kms for now, and then I do my 10 minute abs video. The other night I did the 3 miles in 36:05, which I thought was pretty effing good, considering last week's entry, where I mentioned running it in 37:40. I really had to push myself, but I felt good about it. On Caturday, the Miaouw and I walked for two hours to pick up Lola's heart meds. The vet clinic is around 4.5 k from my place, so round trip was 9 k or around 5.5 miles. A good hearty walk. We rewarded ourselves with some EXCELLENT Indian food. Relax, bitches, I counted my points, even then, and ate light that night. On top of this stuff, as always, Derek tortures me twice a week. Whattaguy. So I'm feeling pretty good about the activity.

Boredom and Anxiety: is there a connection?
I'm trying hard not to give in to resentment. I feel like I'm bored with my menu but I know I'm mostly just pissed and feeling deprived. I'm not actually all that deprived. Hang on a sec. I'm not actually AT ALL deprived, big picture speaking. I think it's just the notion of restriction. I find myself fantasizing about boxes of chocolates and large orders of fries. Never a good sign. I'm also really fucking bored at my job, which doesn't help. I look to food as a source of satisfaction and emotional excitement. Also, since I watched a marathon of the show Obsessed, I am trying to practice more awareness about how I use food and eating as a distraction from anxiety. Is boredom a manifestation of anxiety? Or something that can cause anxiety? Honestly, I want to know what you think.

Hang in there kiddiwinks. Don't the January get you down.

Jan 12: Deferred damage report

2010-01-12T16:25:00.007-05:00

Good Soldiers of the Fat Wars!

Sorry for the lengthy hiatus. I reckon yer used to it by now.

So, where were we? Ah, yes – my holiday pledge to you:

I will stick within my points, and if I go over, I will earn them back in Activity Points. (Normally I try not to swap my Activity Points for food if I can help it.) Mostly I just want to not gain weight.

Pffffffffffftttttttt! Okay, obviously I had to say that. I think I am to be admired for telling myself it was a possibility. Or... something.

Well anyway, it was Christmas Eve and the Miaouw and I were driving to Kingston to fellowship with my family on this most cherished of consumer occasions. We fought, he called me a See You Next Thursday, I bawled like a baby and would have insisted he pull over except we were driving on a 4 lane highway at the time, so instead I just cry-shuddered til we got to town and then got him to stop at a gas station where I attempted to clean myself up. He was contrite, but the damage was done. I said, "Let the stress eating BEGIN!" and I never looked back.

And so it was, that the week between Christmas and New Years, plus the weekend following New Years, I was once again OhTeeDub: off the wagon. By the end of the 10 day stretch, my jeans were feeling depressingly snug at the waist again. FOOOOOCCCKK!!! You GUYS! GAH! Well anyway, I didn't weigh myself last week, but I got back to the business at hand, and this morning when I did my Tuesday weigh-in, I find that I am up just 1 pound from my pre-Christmas weight, so all in all, I'm feeling okay.

I am re-committing myself to my night-time running. I ran three miles on Saturday - it took me 37:40 to do it, which is well off my best time, but at least I did it. The other thing I am experimenting with, for as long as I can take it, is not eating my 35 weekly WW flex points (review of the WW Points system) or my Activity Points. So far so good, but if the austerity measures get to feeling too tough and I'm in danger of chucking the whole thing, I will have something to fall back on.

I note with amusement that a year has passed since I started this blog, and my weight is 2 pounds less than it was then. How v. Bridget Jones.

Love to you all and let's love ourselves a little bit more than we did before this year!

Dec 22: Merry Catmas to all!

2009-12-22T08:51:00.007-05:00

Hey there Christmas Cats!

Just checking in before taking awff. For those of you who must know: lost a pound this week. Three week total: 6.5 pounds (kicking and screaming). My scale attempted to foil me this morning and at first it said I'd only lost half a pound. I persisted, and eventually won out. After a half pound week last week and THIRTY NINE (ah, ha, ha, haaaaaaaa) ACTIVITY POINTS EARNED this week, I was not taking anything less than a pound of weight loss. My scale fears me, as well it should.

So I hope you've all been burning tons of fat with all this godforsaken bullshitting fuckmaking Christmas shopping assiness. And of course peace on earth. I swear, I might as well wrap myself in Saran Wrap before heading out into the madness. Or so it feels like, anyway.

Last week's triumph
On Friday we had our office Christmas party. It was the first fun one ever on record. Nice going, Cancer! I am very pleased to report that, although booze and cupcakes were served, I partook of neither. I danced vigorously (gave myself two Activity Points) and stuck primly to four pieces of vegetarian sushi. THEN I went to my workout with Derek! THEN I walked up the hill to the pub to meet SuperBarb and the Boyz and stuck primly to salad w/ grilled chicken and white wine. Okay, six glasses. Still though. It was good to be righteously shitfaced. Then on Saturday I didn't even stuff my face with greasy hangover carbs because alas, I had used up all my flex points for the week already. THE STEELY DETERMINATION! (It helps if you don't get up til noon - less eating time to avoid.)

The week ahead
Alright, it's Christmas. The office is full of Point-y delicioush crap. And then I'm going home for a long weekend of festivussing. This is my pledge to you: I will stick within my points, and if I go over, I will earn them back in Activity Points. (Normally I try not to swap my Activity Points for food if I can help it.) Mostly I just want to not gain weight.

I want to thank you all for sticking with me this past year and always being so supportive and empathetic. I hope you all have a warm, happy, functional holiday with the people you love. With portion-appropriate servings of delicioushnesh!

xo,
Lindsay

Dec 17: Vintage!

2009-12-17T16:54:00.006-05:00

Heya folks!

Quick update: lost only half a pound this week. Which bugs me, but this time around I am already prepared to accept the fact that my body really, sincerely, genuinely loves fat and is very reluctant to let it go. I am practicing compassion for my hips, thighs, boobs, arms... change is never easy.

Now on to business: I have a very special treat for you today! Tremendous thanks to SuperBarb for sending me the link!

For you career dieters out there, I know you've done the Dub Dub before. Can you remember what the program looked like when you first signed up? My first time was back in 1984. I wish I still had the materials. I can visualize them still. Instead of the POINTS system, the program referred to food "exchanges". You were allowed a certain number of exchanges per day from each food category: fruits (I think veggies were probably still "free" back then?), meats, dairy, starches and fats. So it was a little bit stricter and probably slightly more nutritious because the program was based on recommended daily allowances for each food group. With the POINTS system, you can eat chocolate or a Big Mac or whatever, so long as you track the number of points in it. It's basically a fancy way of counting calories.

Well anyway. I am curious to hear your thoughts on previous iterations of the Weight Watchers program. But that's an aside. The reason I got to thinking about such things is because Barb sent me a link to this HI-larious website featuring scans of Dub Dub recipe cards from 1974! Outrageous gross and fantastic, all at once!

The site is the work of Wendy McClure, a Chicago area writer who discovered these cards in her parents' basement. You have to read her comments alongside each of the recipe cards. Holy shit they're hysterical! She even wrote a book about them! Holiday gift ideas, anyone?

Thanks again to Barb. Fan-friggin-TAStic find!

Dec 10: The Count LOVES to count POINTS!

2009-12-10T13:06:00.005-05:00

Greetings blogren,

Business first: lost 5 pounds after my first week of clean living on the DubDub Online plan. Sweet.

Okay, so, I'm sure lots of you are familiar with the Weight Watchers POINTS® system. For those of you who aren't, a quick description:

Instead of counting calories, or "exchanges" as in days of yore, you count points. The number of points you're allowed to eat per day depends on your weight. I am permitted 21 points per day. Points are calculated based on calories, fat content and fibre content. Generally speaking, a point is about 50 calories. But foods that are packed with lots of fibre and are low in fat can have more calories in them.

Okay, so, you're reading that, doing rough calculations in your head and thinking to yourself, 50 calories x 21 points = 1050...? Is Weight Watchers trying to starve you?! No, see this is the fun part. In addition to your daily allotment of points, you get 35 flex points to use throughout the week, however you want to spread them out. So if you're going to a big party, you can blow a wad and eat cake or whatever. Or you can just add an extra 5 points per day to your regular allotment. It's up to you. I love that, because psychologically, it lets me feel free to binge on occasion. I'm sure that there are some who think this is probably a flaw, in terms of encouraging or enabling that behaviour. Personally I feel that allowing myself the occasional opportunity to go a little crazy is the only thing that's going to keep me on what I would otherwise think of as Austerity Measures.

But that's not all! In addition to the 35 flex points, you can earn more points through the week through activity and exercise. I'm not exactly sure, but my feeling is that you earn 1 activity point for every 100 calories burned, more or less. There's a little calculator that looks at duration and intensity.

I am a person who loves to count. I'm not in it for this healthy lifestyle crap. Please. Pounds! Inches! Calories! Or, in the gym, reps! Minutes! Weights! Calories burned! So, with the online DubDub program, you get this cute little tracker that allows you to plug in all your points consumed, earned, saved, etc. Oh it's a counting bonanza all day long! I must say, I have been far more diligent about walking to work since starting up with the DubDub last week. It's about a 20-25 minute walk each way, so if I walk to and from work, I save money on subway fare and I earn TWO! TWO Activity Points, ah, ha ha haaaaaaa!

Good times.

Dec 7: Confession and shopping: both good for soul

2009-12-07T08:59:00.005-05:00

Fwiends!

Man am I ever glad I came back. Wow. Your responses on both Facebook and here to my last post were just so heartening, I can't even tell you. It is hard, facing yourself, admitting your failure(s)(ssss). Turns out it is way harder to face yourself than it is to face your friends. When are we ever gonna learn that? (Perhaps I speak out of turn and you folks already know that. In which case, why didn't you TELL me?! Oh, you did. Nevermind.)

Well anyway, my mood has really been on the upward swing, which is such a relief to report. I decided I needed to get myself some new clothes, to continue (or, begin) this trend of feeling good about myself at any weight. As Stacy and Clinton always say, you've got to dress the body you have, not the body you want. Being close to my all-time weight high, I don't have a lot of clothes right now that fit. Getting dressed every day is a constant reminder of my unhappiness with my body. But going shopping... UGH. Let's just say I'm no Carrie Bradshaw. I speculate that Carrie Bradshaw might not be as much of a Carrie Bradshaw if she was dressing a size 14-16 on her 5'2" frame as opposed to a 2, but then again, there are plenty of larger size women out there who enjoy shopping and looking good, so I don't know maybe it's just me.

I will say that deciding to go for a wardrobe refresh on the 3rd Saturday before Christmas is maybe not the best timing. And for you folks reading in the upper parts of the US and across Canada, you understand the torture of mall shopping in a winter coat, especially when you're trying a lot of stuff on. I had to steal myself against it before I left my apartment.

The Miaouw has been adorable and supportive, as usual. Before I left to face the crowds, the chaos and most of all, the mirrors, he reviewed with me what I should be looking for. Apparently he sometimes pays attention when I'm watching What Not To Wear. We decided my rules should include looking for tops that gather in at my narrowest point and then flow out from there, and bottoms with straight legs, etc. We did stop short of the pointy toed shoe since I think that any illusion of length they may give is negated by the fact they also make me look like a ruler of a geographic domain of Oz. (Although I'm sure they look great on y'all.)

Well anyway, I blew a wad and three hours later I walked home (extra Activity Points!) with all my crap and the upshot is, getting dressed today was actually fun. Onward, ho!

Dec 4: RE-WEIGHTED

2009-12-04T14:10:00.005-05:00

Uuuuugggghhh.

Well, I'm back. Including the 15 pounds I'd lost earlier in the year. Plus some new pounds to keep the others company. (What a party those guys are having! The fun never stops.) September and October were really bad months for me. November improved slightly with the arrival of my Miaouw, but times were still kinda dark. I don't know what triggered it, but I was in a very long-lasting depressive cycle and I gave in to it fully. And of course, the more I gave in to it -> the fatter I got -> the more I wanted to hide -> the more depressed I got... you get the idea.

So yeah. My weight is 169. Just 2 pounds shy of my all time high. I shake my head at myself as I write this. I couldn't face the scale while I was in the midst of the depression. A couple of times I made half-hearted attempts to pull myself out and get back on the wagon of good eating and regular exercise. But I avoided the scale, and my blog. All I have been good for is dutifully going to work and then going home to the cocoon of fattitude. Almost all of my clothes no longer fit. I've been wearing a sports bra for the last month because it's the only one that fits, and because my boobs have become gigantic flabsacks. Ugh, it's disgusting.

However! I am approaching the light at the end of this long, dark, autumnal tunnel. I did face the scale. It sucked, but it's over now and I survived. My shame is no longer a deep, unnamed fear. It is concrete and actually not so very shameful - here I am sharing it with all of you, after all.

I joined Weight Watchers online on Tuesday. For the past month or two I have been trying to figure out what I can do to kickstart me out of this depressive cycle. I thought about joining Overeaters Anonymous, which would be a new thing for me. Also free. But I got hung up on the notion of a 12 step program with quasi-religious undertones. I almost gave in and re-upped with Jenny Craig, but that felt like a step backwards. I do need something to be accountable to. With DubDub Online, I am still only accountable to myself, but there's a structure that involves checking in every day, tracking my food intake and my exercise. Mind, I've tried it before and ultimately abandoned it. But I felt like I had to do something and this seemed the least intrusive. Or something.

This weekend I'm going clothes shopping. I need to feel like less of a schlep. I'm going to be this weight, or in this general area, for awhile, and I won't be motivated to get out of it if every time I look at myself in the mirror I hate what looks back.

So, welcome back. I know many of you reading this can relate. I invite you all to forgive yourselves and hop back on the party wagon with me!

Sep 21: I get knocked down, but I get up again

2009-09-21T12:40:00.006-04:00

Hey fwiends,

Well, the Puma Diet is no more. I was feeling a little weird about eating all that meat, and since the whole ketosis thing just kinda ignored me and my efforts, it seemed pointless, expensive, and nutritionally dubious to continue. So a couple weeks ago I switched back to a low fat / low carb eating plan. And then slid into high fat / high carb. From there it was an easy transition to fat and depressed again. Ugh.

It's tough, blogging about all of this. It's like inviting everyone to watch you run into a wall over and over again. You start off full of high spirits and good intentions and confidence, and groove to the momentum (that stuff's always fun to write about). Then you start to lose energy, get waylaid, take a vacation, get injured, whatever, and whammo, right into the wall. Failure, disappointment, feelings of powerlessness. I do my best to dust myself off and rev up for another go. And after awhile it just starts to feel like dang, am I ever gonna get past this? And doesn't everybody get tired of reading the same old story? How many times did Charles Schulz recycle Lucy pulling the football out from under Charlie Brown before it got old? (Some might say, never, it's still hilarious. To which I would respond: I'M NOT HILARIOUS, I'M PATHETIC!!!)

Well anyway. I moped around most of last week, eating shit I didn't really want, but eating it anyway, in case I actually did want it since food has always been my frenemy. I kept my appointments with Derek, which helped. Last night I had a revelation that I needed to clean my apartment. I am living in a depression-induced sty. I made lists for every room of my wee humble abode, of stuff I need to do to get some order in my life. In between I did laundry and went out for some healthy groceries. I felt really empowered and it actually gave me energy.

It's very weird, and it all seems so arbitrary: I sit on the green couch for hours and days and weeks, thinking about how I need to get the vaccuum cleaner fixed because, ew, gross, or looking over at the crammed to the brink book shelf and think about how it's only two feet away, why don't I amble over and start organizing it a bit? And it always seems like such a herculean effort to make myself do any of the myriad list of things to do. But then one night POING! suddenly I have the motivation. I don't know how to control the switch, but I'm just glad it finally got activated.

So today I'm lacing up my sneakers and getting ready to sprint towards that football again, hoping this time I will actually connect with it. Or, at least with Lucy's face.

Sep 8: Exercise: what is it good for?

2009-09-08T12:32:00.005-04:00

(Absolutely nothing?!)

I've been meaning to write this blog for about a month. Sorry I'm late. Last month, two friends forwarded the same article to me in one day: an opinion piece that ran in Time magazine entitled Why Exercise Won't Make You Thin. One friend (beloved Rusty_grrl) had spotted the article on Bob Harper's Facebook page (he's the crying personal trainer on Biggest Loser). Bob was not pleased:

The article is an interesting read. I can understand why Bob got a little fist-shakey at it; it isn't that the author is saying exercise is useless, but the headline would suggest otherwise. Casual readers who might not read all four pages and/or just skim for details might come away feeling justified for hanging up the sneakers and becoming reacquainted with the custom-made ass groove on their couch.

Compensation without representation (on the scale)
What the article does say is that exercise can give people who are counting their calories and trying to lose weight a false sense of security in terms of ingesting a few extra calories on days they work out. The author refers to it as "the compensation factor". He cites results from a study that showed women who exercised intensely over a six month period did not lose significantly more than a control group who did not exercise (some even gained!):

Whether because exercise made them hungry or because they wanted to reward themselves (or both), most of the women who exercised ate more than they did before they started the experiment. Or they compensated in another way, by moving around a lot less than usual after they got home.

So, any of you relate to this phenomenon? I know I do! For sure there are plenty of times when I allow myself a little something extra, perhaps as a reward for my good behaviour, or maybe because I'm just plain hungry after a workout.

Honey, can you pick up some more self control on your way home?
The other notion that the author puts forward is that self control or will power is finite in people. You only have so much of it to use:

In 2000 the journal Psychological Bulletin published a paper by psychologists Mark Muraven and Roy Baumeister in which they observed that self-control is like a muscle: it weakens each day after you use it. If you force yourself to jog for an hour, your self-regulatory capacity is proportionately enfeebled. Rather than lunching on a salad, you'll be more likely to opt for pizza.

Seriously? Holy geez, all this time I've been hating myself when I should have been hating science! Fucking science! You screwed me over! Well your secret is out now. Nice to have something else to blame for those times when it's gotta be cake.

Let cooler foreheads prevail
The article does go on to say that, of course, there are many benefits to exercise. ("In addition to enhancing heart health and helping prevent disease, exercise improves your mental health and cognitive ability." - I guess Bob didn't make it to page 3.) But the argument for "sweaty, exhausting, hunger-producing bursts of activity" is not as strong as Bob and Jillian would have you believe (if you choose instead to believe this very comforting article, that is). The author believes low-intensity movement, such as a walk - not even a brisk walk, from the sound of it - is just as effective as doing cardio at the gym.

Hmmmm. I don't know guys. First I have to give up aspartame, now I'm expected to give up my sweaty hairshirt of gym torture? It just don't seem right to me.

What do you all think?

PS Personal exercise update: I took the last 3 or 4 weeks pretty easy, since every time I got more intense, my gimpy left calf muscle yelled at me. Also, I read this article and realized I didn't have to. No, no, I kid! I keed! Anyway, recently I have started running again. It's hard to believe how quickly I got out of shape. I've been running at a super-slow pace, and right now am only doing about 2 miles (2.5 including walking warm-down). My heart rate zooms with the intensity of the effort so I don't consider it safe yet to push myself beyond what I'm doing. I'm just glad to be training again.

I don't think I'm gonna be ready in time for the Toronto Island 10k run - it's less than two weeks away. Frowny faces. Instead, I think I will participate in the Great Canadian Shoreline Cleanup that weekend. Picking up garbage can actually be a decent workout, especially if you don't eat donuts afterward.

Aug 29: Aaah, heh heh... whoops?

2009-08-29T21:54:00.005-04:00

Last night I OD'ed on Atkins bars. I guess it could have been worse. I still have bars left today. Also I didn't go out and indulge in actual carbicide. (The bars are 2-3 net carbs each, which makes the whole thing pretty low impact, big picture speaking.) I sure thought about it. But I just kept thinking about all that sugar running through my veins, how sick I would probably feel (how sick I already felt), and ultimately I talked myself out of it. Victory in the face of defeat (she mutters grimly).

The thing is, these bars are packed with dietary fibre. Like, between 8 and 11 grams each. And... I kinda lost track of how many I ate at around... um... 7. So after I hoovered the last two, I sat back and clutched my sated belly and endured a night of romance-killing gas. Delightful.

The best (read: crazymakingest) part was that this morning I was down half a pound. I was LOL at my scale.

Aug 26: The Demon Aspartame

2009-08-26T12:29:00.005-04:00

Shout out: The Demon Barb, who demanded an update.

So, I don' t know, guys. I've been following the Atkins meal plan for over two weeks and I am ALREADY stuck. Seriously, WTF is up with my wretched body. Everything was going along quite nicely, I was losing at a steady pace, and then this past weekend I hopped on a plane to surprise my Miaouw, who is in the Bay Area at the moment, for his birthday. For the first time in... perhaps ever, I stuck with my diet whilst visiting my boyfriend. Well done, you might say, and I'd agree with you wholeheartedly.

So then, why do I come home and find out not only have I not lost any more weight, but in fact I have gained 1-2 pounds? BITCHES! GAH!!!! Quel frustrate.

I surmise that I must not be in ketosis after all, and I start trying to figure out why. The late Dr. Atkins advises that there are a few prescription drugs that may impede ketosis: birth control pills (check), anti-depressants of the SSRI variety (check). So, nothing I can do about those for now. But also, he advises that you stay away from aspartame. Apparently it can kick you out of ketosis.

Well I knew this going in, and chose to continue drinking my beloved, gut-killing Diet Dr Pepper anyway. I adopted a wait and see mentality. But this weekend I had a lot more DDP than I normally do (which is already a fair amount) so I'm wondering if this is the cause. I'm looking for beverages in Canada that are sweetened with sucralose a.k.a. Splenda. Yesterday at lunch I did recon at the the nearby Sobey's and found that Diet Crush (I like the orange; not a huge fan of cream soda) and Schweppes seemed to be the only sweet 'n' fizzy beverages on the mass market that I could choose from. Last night I discovered that the Loblaws President's Choice label makes their Free & Clear beverages with sucralose, so I picked up a couple bottles of that. Today I've been sipping Tangerine-Lime and guzzling water. I had a headache by 10 a.m. which I attribute to withdrawal.

I also bought some ketostix last night and pissed all over my hand this morning trying to get a reading. I've read not to rely too much on what these things say because different factors can impact on the outcome of the test, like time of day, level of hydration, level of recent activity, etc. I've heard you should test every day at the same time, either morning and/or night time. So this morning's piss says: no ketones in the blood. Sad faces.

So that's the update. I need to get off aspartame anyway. I've known this for a long time. So maybe this is a good thing, even if this is not the impediment to ketosis. I will continue to experiment and test with the ketostix to see if I'm doing the right thing. It's annoying, but I am still feeling pretty upbeat overall.

Aug 17: Life on Atkins

2009-08-17T08:48:00.003-04:00

So I've been on the Atkins plan for a week and a half now and I gotta say... LOVING IT! Before I go any further (and this is not because I think y'all are gonna sue me or anything), I want to say that I am still considering this an experiment, I am not endorsing it as a magic cure or advocating it as a solution for everyone or for anyone other than me, and even for me, who knows. I'm just saying, I feel awesome.

Here's what's working for me:

No sugar or bread/pasta cravings
I don't find I am missing out on processed carbs like bread and pasta and potatoes. Once in a while (usually after a meaty kinda meal) I think something sweet would be nice, but I don't feel dogged by cravings. Of course, it's early times yet. There is a theory that the less sugar you eat, the less you crave it, and I think that's true, but I don't know if that theory accounts for the psychological or emotional cravings that come later, and may be related to feelings of deprivation, or maybe other stuff going on in your life that's not related to diet and eating. It's early times. So we'll see if it holds. But for now, I feel very satisfied on this eating plan.

Chewing (and swallowing) the fat
I think one thing that is making a difference is not having to hide from fat. Food that is prepared with fats like butter, olive oil or... dare I suggest... bacon grease - it tastes way better. So I am not feeling deprived, I am feeling the opposite. I've never eaten so much cheese in my life! I have four kinds in my fridge right now! It's unbelievable!

Ketosis is keeping me honest
Also working for me: in order for the Atkins approach to work, you can't really "cheat" or have a few extras here and there, the way I have in the past with low fat, calorie reduced diets. The whole point of cutting down so drastically on your carbohydrate intake is to cause your metabolism to switch from burning glucose as its primary fuel source (once carbs are ingested, the body converts them to glucose and uses it as fuel; excess glucose gets stored as fat) to burning fat as its primary fuel source. This is why you can eat so much fat on the diet - it gets burned right away to fuel your body, and once your body is using fat as fuel, it turns to stored fat and starts burning that too. When your body starts burning fat as its fuel, you're in ketosis.

So anyway, science lesson aside, the point is, from a behavioural perspective, there is sort of a built-in cheat-protection on this plan. I don't take weekends off, or figure it's fine to have a slice of cake at the office or whatever because I'm going to the gym after work. (And again, I must stress: NOT THAT THERE IS ANYTHING WRONG WITH THAT! I actually like that approach, i.e. a little something called "moderation" or "balance" or as some might say, "a bit of frigging perspective".) But the way I was going the past few months, I just needed a more disciplined approach, and in order for Atkins to work, I have to trust the science, since I can't trust myself to veer just a little off course without winding up in Albuquerque.

As for my weight loss thus far...
Well, I'm not exactly sure. I was too depressed to weigh myself at the outset, so I can only estimate what my starting weight was, based on the way my clothing (didn't) fit. I reckon I was between 158-160, but can't say for sure. This morning I am 151.5. I am not saying I've lost minimum 6.5 pounds thus far; I'm sure some of that was water and whatever. When I weigh myself next weekend it will be more telling. Would be nice to finally start losing at a decent rate. I wouldn't mind an average of 2 pounds a week, which is safe. I'm not looking for a quick fix; just want my metabolism to do its part if I'm gonna bust my hump six days a week in the gym.

So anyway, very cool. I'm encouraged. We shall see what continues to unfold...

PS Lola says upside down meow.

Aug 10: Emergence

2009-08-10T13:03:00.004-04:00

In case it hasn't been obvious, or at the very least, inferable, I've been struggling. Ne worry pas, it's not a new struggle. I've been here many times before; I'm sure it's a cyclical thing, just part of my process.

Which is not to say that the cycle is unavoidable, or that it is predictable in terms of when it will strike, or how long it will last. When I vowed a month ago to get my shit together, I meant it. I thought I was pulling out of it. But events have conspired against me, including the nagging injury, the lack of confidence in my metabolism to respond to "good behaviour" eating, and the annual family weekend visit last week, which always stresses me out. My anxiety (and anxiety-eating) around this event plays out like that saying about the duration of a cold: three days coming, three days staying, three days leaving. That about sums it up. I got a lot of anxiety eating done in those nine days.

So, rather than sink into total desolation, which I rarely do anymore, thank goddess (i.e. thank me), I forged a plan. It is kind of a radical plan, for me, anyway, insofar as I've never tried this, and it goes against everything I think I know about myself as far as how I react to dietary restrictions. But I feel like I need to do something to kick my fat-ass metabolism off the couch and onto the treadmill. GET TO WORK, DAMN YOU!!

Soooo, I am giving Atkins a shot. I know, I know, diets don't work. But what I really need right now is a bit of encouragement. Some gee-dee results, ya know? I'm going to see if this whole ketosis thing really does work, and if my metabolism responds. I don't know how long I will do this. It's an experiment. I'm on Day 4 right now, and feeling okay. Don't find I miss the carbs or the sugar, but possibly (likely) that has something to do with the attempted carbicide (TM Brüno) over the past couple weeks.

This is all new to me, counting the carbs. It's kinda cool to have something new to focus on, and to eat different kinds of foods whilst trying to lose weight. It is keeping me VERY busy, reading up on how it works and keeping track of everything.

I'm not weighing myself until I've done two weeks of "Induction". Partly I just didn't want to know what the damage was - I couldn't face it. Partly I don't want to get discouraged if it takes a few days or weeks to get my body into this crazy fat-burning mode.

I will blog more about Atkins and how it works in future installments, for those of you who are interested.

Rock on, it's good to feel proactive again!

PS Physio seems to be working. I've been easing off the walking to and from work and doing some extra stretching and stuff. Have worked out the last three days in a row and am feeling no pain, knock on head. Keep your fingers crossed for me!

Jul 30: Gimp

2009-07-30T12:39:00.004-04:00

Shout out: KatCamp, Mistress of the Guilt Trip

Alright, I'm back. I totally meant to be here sooner. The Miaouw and I went to my mom's place last weekend (she and my stepfather live in a serene bungalow on a lake in the wilds north of Kingston, ON). We needed to get out of the city. This weekend we're back there again for the annual Family Weekend thingy. My brother and his family (including gigantic, slobbering, if good-natured dogs) plus me and my Miaouw (this year we are bringing Lola, on the Miaouw's insistence) plus Mom and Al. Try not to get eaten alive. Try not to eat myself dead. Those are my two main goals.

Anyway, I wasn't around. And then, when I was around, I've been very disheartened by the shocking deterioration of my body. It's like, I turned 40 and then almost to the day I started being plagued by injury. My left calf has been on and off acting up - some sort of pulled muscle, possibly. I stayed off of it, except for bi-weekly workouts with Derek. The couch treatment seemed to be working, because on Monday I went to the gym and kicked ARSE. I was able to do skipping intervals again and really work up a good sweat, with no pain. I actually requested we do lunges. (I think my brain may also be injured.) Two days later (yesterday), suddenly my left foot is all fizzucked up. The outer arch is really achey. I almost sucked out and cancelled my session with Derek. I knew we could concentrate on upper body but I was just so pissed and depressed and feeling sucky. I pushed through and showed up. We did cycling sprints, which my gimpy hind paw seems able to withstand. In the end, I was happy I went. Tomorrow morning I am going to see a physiotherapist for an initial assessment. I'm wondering if the two injuries are related (left foot being connected to the left calf... bone... ish). Derek said maybe something's out of alignment. Maybe. I'm busy checking for lumps, thinking to myself, well, if you have to get cancer, this is the best place for it. Cuz that's how I roll (i.e., neurotically). (No lumps, phewf.)

So that's where I'm at. Hopefully tomorrow I'll get some sort of diagnosis or some treatment or whatever, to figure this crap out, cuz I'm already tired of being an elite athlete.

Jul 20: It didn't take.

2009-07-21T12:42:00.005-04:00

Sigh.

Alright, alright, it's not so bad. Mostly I am just supremely frustrated by this recurring sports injury thingy, something I have never really dealt with. I am not an athlete by any stretch, but I guess this is like a micro-dose of how it must feel to be mentally raring to go and having to accept the fact that your body is not in synch with your mind. So you know, naturally, my mind looks to rejoin my body by sidelining the renewed attitude thing. Or something. I don't know.

Last week when I weighed myself, I was coy and did not give up the number because, ugh, it was 156. I just knew that wasn't a real number. So I was diligent all week, just like I said I would be, and by Saturday morning I was 150. Nice. On Sunday I was out at the Acura 10-Miler & 5K with some work colleagues - it was to benefit the Canadian Cancer Society, where I work, so I volunteered to run the 5k as part of a team. So about 20 metres into the run, BOING, my left calf muscle or tendon or whatever the eff is back there causing shit popped out and I had to run the whole thing with this aching calf muscle. Which, dig me, running through the pain. Cut me! Cut me!

Anyway, about that list of vows from last week:

VOW	RESULT
do the 10 minute abs video every day	did it on Monday, did the Awesome Abs class at gym on Tuesday, then... nada
exercise 6 days a week	Mon, Tues, Wed, Sat, Sun - not bad
stop taking weekends off	ummmm
be more label conscious at the supermarket	meh
make a video once a week	nope
sign up for Toronto Island 10k	not done yet; but this will happen, no question
lose 10 pounds before Sep 20	pfffffttt not at this rate
make out with self every day	not even once (sniffle)

This is why I don't set myself goals. How depressing. But I knew I had to get out here and confess or else... shame spiral. In fact, this morning after my cottage cheese and fruit breakfast I ate a whole bag of Kettle Corn. 910 calories. Gulp. I was just feeling rebellious and frustrated, and you know what happens when I get resentful. So, it's back to confessional for me. All I can do is tell you all about it and pray to Holy Oprah, full of grace, to wash away my sins and give me a blank slate to start fresh once again.

I do have a bunch of raw video footage from the 5k which will hopefully be mildly entertaining once I cobble it together. Hopefully get that done some time this week.

Alright, Trigger, get over here so I can get back up on ya. Or... something less stupid and more inspriational. Gah.

PS I am making an appointment this week with a physiotherapist to get my leg looked at. Meantime I've been icing it and stretching it and all that blah, blah, yadda, yadda, so ne worry pas.

Jul 13: Recommitted and it feels so good

2009-07-13T09:08:00.003-04:00

It's been roughly six months since I started this blog. I've lost between 10 and 15 pounds, depending when you ask, which is... well, let's face it, not outstanding. On the other hand, I've also run a 10k and I do cardio usually 3-5 times a week, with hour long strength training sessions twice a week, which I can and do consider to be very good, possibly outstanding. I am not really any closer to vanquishing the binge eating habits that have dogged me for most of my adult life, but I am better at accepting my shortcomings and not hating myself for them.

I think it's time for a re-jiggering. Last week the wheels came off the bus a bit. I've been injured (some sort of recurring issue with my left calf - I am going to see a physiotherapist about it, since my benefits package at work covers $500/yr for physio), so I've been slacking a bit on the exercise (haven't run in 2 weeks, though I've done some cardio at the gym). And I've been resentful about not getting to eat anything and everything that strikes my fancy.

So last week I said, okay, have what you fancy. Get it out of your system. Gain a few pounds. And then next week, we begin again, in earnest. Here I am now, raring to go (despite the lingering ache in my left calf; I shall not let it deter me).

My commitment to myself includes the following pledges:

do the 10 minute abs video every day

exercise six days a week - aim for 500-600 calories burned in a session

STOP TAKING THE WHOLE WEEKEND OFF!!!

start reading labels again and avoid lots of preservatives and junk, especially artificial sweeteners – I think if I stop consuming so much sugar, I will stop craving it so much

make a video once a week

lose 10 pounds before Toronto Island Run

make out with myself every day, no matter my size

Some of those goals will be tougher than others but I know I am up for it. One of the things that has really been slowing me down is taking the weekends off. I think my compromise from now on will be, on ONE day of the weekend, I can have A meal off. Not the whole day off. We'll see how that goes.

Okay, to kick the whole thing off, a fresh viddie, featuring killer guitar solo! Plus an invitation to any and all to step forward and have yourselves committed! Just sign up in the comments section - we'll keep each other accountable and honest and encouraged and supported.

And if de-elevator tries 2 bring u down...

GO CRAZY!

Jul 9: Resentment

2009-07-09T12:03:00.003-04:00

I would have to say one of my greatest obstacles in trying to lose weight is the resentment I feel at having to restrict my diet. It's tricky though. If I give voice to my resentment, it is initially superceded by embarrassment. One in six people in the world are hungry and I'm pissed that I can't eat 5000 calories a day and just enjoy it. I hate it when I catch myself behaving like a spoiled, entitled, ungrateful fatass.

Eventually the liberal guilt triggers the resentment all over again, and I'm a dog chasing my tail until I finally just break down and order pizza and wings. Which is what I did last night.

Jul 3: Methods to the Madness

2009-07-03T12:20:00.013-04:00

Like many spoiled westerners (particularly we North Americans) I have been on approximately one bajillion diets since early adolescence. I just thought I'd take a moment and inventory some of the highlights for you:

Weight Watchers: The Classic. I did DubDub for the first time with my mom when I was 14. I remember I weighed in at 142, and I think I lost about 12 pounds before abandoning the program. I've been back many times since then. In 1999 I lost around 25 pounds and briefly possessed the secret password to size 6, but the Skinny Mafia went and changed the locks on me once they caught me stuffing my face whilst nursing a broken heart. (Jerks.)

The Cookie Diet: you know if it sounds too good to be true it usually is. I tried this one back in the early 90s when a girlfriend of mine was trying to make a bit of extra cash by selling these cookies out of her home. I think the active ingredient in them is straw. They add little bits of chalk-olate chips to entice you, but don't be fooled.

Slim Fast: I wonder how many women have a half-empty tin of this shite hidden away somewhere in one of their cupboards? You can say that a liquid meal replacement is filling, but if I don't get to chew and swallow, I'm not gonna feel full and/or satisfied. (I do like the cookie dough meal replacement bars, though. Problem is, I never stop at just one.)

I did NutriSystem with my mom during my final year of university - 1991/92 - and lost 45 pounds. I was 120 and three quarters for about ten minutes. I remember going to Easter dinner at my in-laws' house after I'd reached my goal weight. I ate everything in sight. I ate so much that I poisoned myself. I have never been that sick from eating - I had food coming out of both ends of me that night. (Sorry, you had to read that. It's way better than having to go through it, trust me.) I think going for seven months on this restricted diet may have challenged my body's ability to digest normal food. That's what happens when you don't cheat, yo's.

I tried hypnosis for a few months in the winter of 2002. I liked it because it was geared towards changing my attitude and behaviour around food. I pitched my scale and just decided to focus on eating smaller portions of healthier foods. It worked for a little while but it took a lot of time - I had to go into the centre around 2 or 3 times a week (once a week you have a private session with an actual hypnotherapist, the other times they just put these crazy trippy glasses on you that show some kinda Jefferson Airplane psychedelia, you sit in a deluxe La-Z-Boy and they play a tape by the HypnoGuru, repeating all the rabbit food mantras), plus I had to listen to my hypnosis tape (they taped the weekly personal sessions) every day. It got so I just started falling asleep during the sessions. Another thousand bucks down the drain.

The Master Cleanser a.k.a. "The Lemonade Diet": yes, I really did go without solid food for 10 days straight, back in winter 2003. I still hadn't replaced my scale at that time, so I don't know how much I lost, but my clothes were definitely much looser afterwards. The booklet (pictured) is actually very interesting and apparently this cleanse can be helpful (if you are open to this sort of alternative healing) for a lot more than just weight loss. Basically you consume water mixed with freshly squeezed lemon juice, pure, dark maple syrup and cayenne pepper (for reals) and nothing else. For minimum 10 days. By the end you are fantasizing about gum. It was an interesting experiment but any time I've tried it since, I haven't made it past day 2 or 3.

Jenny Craig: My most recent foray into supporting the diet industry. I've done JC off and on since summer 2003. Up until this past fall, I was on it for 2 or 3 years straight. I actually lost around 30 pounds the last time, and kept it off for a year and a half or so, which is unprecedented for me, only to fall in love and toss the whole moderation thing out the window of a speeding car. Splat... fat. Ah well. I did mention a long time ago that, while I totally get how JC works for a lot of people, ultimately, it was not helping me with the bingeing issue, as it allowed me to forego mindfulness in the kitchen.

Which brings me to my latest (and I'm sure you will all agree) greatest method: blogging. Okay, that's not a weight loss method. The method is actually good old fashioned healthy(ish) eating and regular exercise. But the key has been the accountability and support from all of you. It's really kept me on track, or helped me right myself when I've strayed.

So, anybody out there have any crazy dieting methods they're willing to admit to?

Jun 30: Still 150 After All These Years

2009-06-30T23:32:00.005-04:00

Earlier today somebody posted a comment on an old video of mine (technically they are all old videos, I realize, and one of these days I will post a new one). The video is dated March 17 - it's the one where I'm running on the treadmill. In it I mentioned my weight was 153.5. This morning when I weighed myself I was 150. Three months later. I was 149, I know, but then my birthday happened. On Friday there was cake, and another cake, culminating in cake for breakfast on Saturday. And then there were Ruffles, and on Sunday afternoon while the Miaouw napped, I ate three croissants. With margarine. [Why is the 'g' soft in the word "margarine", when it is followed by an 'a'?] [Very deft distraction from the piggery, n'est-ce pas?]

Well anyway, if the birthday derailment happened only once a year, it would be fine, but the truth is, I allow myself to get pretty lax on the weekends and I'm sure that's slowing me down considerably. But then again, I remember three months ago when I was a lot more diligent with my diet and I was frustrated by my slow progress. More frustrated, really because I felt like I was doing everything right and still not getting results.

In my birthday blog, I talked a bit about accepting my demons rather than struggling against them. I guess I sort of feel like that about it. Progress not perfection and all that bestsellerselfhelpspeak. Of course, I'm never completely comfortable with the acceptance business because I am mindful of using this touchy-feely accept myself thing as an excuse to give in to unhealthy habits and feel alright about it. But then when I type that, I think, what's wrong with wanting to feel alright, anyway?

Ultimately this inner dialogue is just a distraction. I know what's good for me and what's not good for me, and I know that occasional indulgences are fine; binges are not. I also know that I'm not done with binge behaviour, and while I am reducing the frequency of the episodes, I still need to be able to forgive myself and move on and not wallow and spiral just because I let the demons have their way when it happens.

Jun 26: Finally, life begins!

2009-06-26T08:45:00.009-04:00

Happy Birthday to me! Some thoughts on turning 40:

People have been asking me if I plan to do anything special. My response has just been to shrug and say, whatever. I haven't felt much of anything about it, one way or the other: dread or excitement. But this morning I was lying in bed and I had a bit of panic when I realized that when people ask me how old I am, I will have to say "40". It seemed to trigger that low-level anxiety that's always humming in the background about how I haven't done anything with my life of any import. I think this anxiety is borne of our culture's pre-occupation with individualism, the need to see ourselves as special, unique, different. Some people do it by naming their children Pilot Inspektor, others by broadcasting their thoughts on Twitter every 10 minutes... or, ahem, blogging them. I once had a therapist tell me that my desire to be special was what was making me unhappy. Still puzzling out how to rid myself of that desire. But actually, I am closer to understanding what makes me special. I think what I need to focus on for awhile is what makes everyone else special.

[burrrrp] Okay, moving on from the deeply profound crap.

When I started this weight loss journey back in January, I was looking to my 40th birthday five months away as a short-term goal, hoping to be a lot thinner, to finally fit back into these great capri pants I got a couple years ago, to be able to bask in this accomplishment of getting my weight under control. Well, I am thinner, but not a lot thinner. I weighed in at 149 this morning. The capri pants do up, but just barely. And yet, I bask. I ran 5 miles last night. I can say, as I did when I turned 30, that I am fitter now than I have ever been in my life. I've stopped fighting those demons that have led to my food issues and just sort of accepted them as part of me. That's not the same thing as giving up. It's more like a détente, which is allowing me to find some peace.

Through this amazing thing called the Internet, I've made so many friends across Canada, the United States, and amazingly, the rest of the world. Many have long since moved past this arbitrary marker that we endow with so much meaning, and I see them thriving, relaxed and at peace with themselves, even as they continue with the daily struggles of life. I'm inspired by all of you, reassured that aging is not something to be feared, but something to be embraced. Thank you everyone.

I came thisclose to wearing my tiara to work today, but decided against it. (I do very fondly remember the night I received it, from my home girl Lanie, on the very drunken occasion of my 36th birthday, singing karaoke and doing smash-up derby cheers with far too many screwdrivers.) I settled for my World Wildlife Fund "Hotter Than I Should Be" t-shirt. Avec flair.

Jun 22: Bathroom reading

2009-06-22T13:17:00.007-04:00

Warning: This blog contains a non-graphic and fairly benign reminder that sometimes people have a few extra minutes to kill when they are in the bathroom. Reader discretion is advised.

A few months back I very spontaneously bought a book at Shoppers Drug Mart called Eat This, Not That! Supermarket Survival Guide by David Zinczenko and Matt Goulding. If you haven't seen it, it's a very cool paperback that compares brand name products of similar types of prepared foods, advising which products are the healthier choices, or in some cases, the lesser evils.

The book is divided into sections ("Pantry Staples", "Snacks & Sweets", "The Freezer Section", etc.) and also includes a chapter on produce [aside: do you say proh-duce or prah-duce? The Miaouw makes fun of me for saying prah-juce], a recipe/meal plan section, and a food glossary. Here's a sample page comparing "Wholesome Cereals":

The little colour-coded blocks circling the product photos give nutritional information about the product, and the corresponding colours of the blocks inform you which two products are being compared (e.g. the "featured" comparison on this page is between Kashi "Vive" Toasted Graham & Vanilla, which I've never heard of but it sounds awesome, and Kellogg's "Smart Start", which apparently has 10 ingredients that are either sugar or some sort of sweetener).

So anyway, this sucker is ideal for bathroom reading. You can pick it up randomly, flip it open to any page, and get some good supermarket advice and ideas. The Miaouw in particular has been very intrigued to learn about the total lack of food value in some products that are shamelessly promoting themselves with the tell-tale "low fat" (i.e. high sugar) and "lite" labels.

Another recent addition to the royal library is a Canadian fitness magazine that I unwittingly find myself a subscriber to called I Run. I guess I got on their list last October when my mom and I participated in the Toronto Marathon. (We have been walking the half-marathon for 3 or 4 years now. My mom is totally hardcore and walks full marathons, which is awesome.) Anyway, this year there was a promotion and participants were automatically signed up with a one-year subscription. I never would have thought I would have any interest in a magazine about running, but I didn't expect to run a 10k race either.

The magazine features articles about elite level athletes and "regular joes" (the current issue features a profile of [[[shudder]]] Stockwell Day, former leader of the reactionary conservative Reform Party of Canada; I haven't read it yet but I'm sure there will be an opportunity during a particularly satisfying dump). It also has training tips, nutrition advice, travelogues and of course lots of ads for upcoming runs across the country. It's kinda cool, reading this magazine and getting inspired to become better acquainted with a whole different lifestyle and world of possibilities. Who knows, I may re-up my subscription when it expires in the fall.

Jun 16: Cereal killer

2009-06-16T14:52:00.005-04:00

There are certain foods that I just can't be trusted to have in my apartment. I'm not talking about the obvious chips-and-chocolate stuff. I'm talking about basic foodstuffs that most normal people keep in a well-stocked pantry to be consumed in single, normal size portions, over several weeks.

For examp, cereal. On Friday night I was heading home from work and I was starving. I felt like I just needed a small burst of carbs to hold me over til dinner, so I picked up a box of Honey Nut Cheerios. A three quarter cup serving is 120 calories. I figured that oughta do the trick - just to munch on, no milk. And it mostly did. But then it tasted so good, I had another three quarter cup serving. Only another 120 calories. I'm still okay. So, what's for dinner? Neither of us felt like cooking. We decided to order sushi for delivery. Bit of a mistake, as it takes an HOUR to deliver. Think I'll just have another sensible portion of Cheerios while I wait...

Sushi arrives and... WHOOPS we ordered WAY TOO MUCH. Oh well, I already blew it by eating a ton of Cheerios... you can see where this is going...

Luckily, as Anne of Green Gables winsomely observed, tomorrow is another day, with no mistakes in it yet. Unfortunately, tomorrow also happened to be Saturday. I got up and had some Cheerios for breakfast. A couple hours later, I had some Cheerios for lunch. Mid-day snack, Cheerios on vanilla ice cream. Etc. Basically, the box was gone by mid-Sunday.

I suppose all of this would be okay if I'd gotten off my ass on the weekend and done a sensible portion of cardio. I haven't worked out since Thursday, this being Tuesday. In addition to my pre-existing condition of chronic laziness, I got thrown off my routine on the weekend - my Saturday appointment at the gym got cancelled because Derek's parents were in town. Whatever, Derek's parents. I hope you're happy.

(I'm going to the gym tonight and doing an hour of cardio, right after work, no excuses.)

Any of you guys have foods you can't have in the house?

Jun 11: I dreamt my guns were bazookas

2009-06-11T08:48:00.007-04:00

Hey kiddiewinks!

I'm having a pretty good week, D-Weightedly speaking. Working out hard, eating well, resisting temptations (ALERT! ALERT! Retirement party at work on Tuesday! GAAAAHHH hors d'oeuvres everywhere!!! I ate a damn banana) and this morning my scale is pretending I've lost another pound (149), and I'm just gonna go ahead and believe it.

So yesterday I was brushing my hair in the morning and I looked in the mirror and HOLY GEEZ THERE ARE BULGES COMING OUT OF MY ARMS!!! Check it out, I have muscle tone! Okay fine, I still have flab tone too, but I think the biceps may be starting to gain a bit on the swaying suspension bridges that are my underarms. I recreated the image this morning for you so you can bask in my success yourselves:

Anyway, I was at the gym last night and telling Derek about this minor success, and he referred to these strange bulges as my "guns". I'm like, my GUNS! I have GUNS! I retorted, "My lovely lady guns!" It was all v. exciting.

So last night I had this crazy dream that my biceps were no longer these subtle, shapely, sexy arm humps, but had turned into freakish Swanson's Hungry Man biceps, like I'm a competitive lumberjack or an Olympic rower or... I don't know... a man. I flexed and they had this cartoonish reaction. It was weird and a little disconcerting. Michelle Obama's arms don't do that. So I think I'm gonna have to watch it. No steroids for me.

Jun 9: Spite pays off!

2009-06-09T09:45:00.006-04:00

So last night I was due for a run. I almost didn't go, but that's pretty typical. Sometimes I think that getting myself downstairs for a run is all about waiting for an opening in mood traffic. There are certain breaks in the steady stream of laziness that periodically present themselves in an evening, and if you don't step on the gas right then and there, you're gonna be stuck on the couch for the rest of the night.

Anyway, I made my way downstairs and figured I'd run for half an hour or so, and do some light weights, and just feel good about the fact I went at all, rather than push myself to do a lengthy run.

Well I got to the fitness room, and there was a guy in there already. He was adjusting the TV so that it faced the treadmill. Nuts. I asked him if he was using the treadmill and he said "No". I'm like, really? Okay. I took him at his word, and went about my business. I started up the treadmill, which is pretty loud, and suggested he might want to turn up the volume. He was watching Ultimate Fighting Champions or something. And he was standing RIGHTNEXT to me. He said no, no, and then he gestured toward a woman in the hallway who was on the phone, which to me seemed to indicate that he was waiting for her, and wouldn't be there long? I don't know. I shrugged and got on with my run.

Minutes passed. And yet more minutes. I was having a decent run - averaging 5.5 mph (I've been trying to gradually get my average running speed up, as much as my heart and lungs can take, anyway). I kept looking out at the woman on the phone and willing her to shut the eff up and get off the phone so this guy standing RIGHTNEXT to me watching UFC while I huffed and puffed and produced a downpour of sweat (should have shook myself out like a dog) would LEAVE ALREADY. I delayed my walking break for as long as I felt okay about it - after 2 miles, most of it run at 5.5 mph, I slowed down for a break. Actually, I pushed myself a lot longer than I have in the past when running that speed, mostly out of some sort of resentment of this guy's presence. I don't know.

Anyway, after around half an hour, the woman hung up and wandered down the hall - didn't look into the fitness room to summon the guy next to me or anything, and he didn't budge. He's standing there, just watching TV, RIGHTEFFINGNEXT to me. FUCK! I started to wonder if maybe he DID want to use the treadmill and was just too polite to say so? Which bugged me! I don't know, maybe I should have felt bad, but instead I was irritated. So I just kept running, to spite the guy. I'm such an asshole. But hey man, that's how I roll.

It turned into an epic battle of wills. I'm sorry to say that eventually, I caved. But I ran for 53 minutes instead of 30, powered by spite. And then I took my time doing my warm down and stretches, and all the while, this guy continued standing next to the treadmill, watching UFC. I'd considered sticking around to do some weights, just to see if he would eventually climb on the treadmill, or would be too embarrassed to do so after pretending he didn't want to use it, but I decided I was crazy and at some point, there had to be a victor. So I let him win. Sort of. I mean, what the hell?

Meh. Whatever works, baby!

Jun 8: Progress report(s)

2009-06-08T10:12:00.005-04:00

Okay, vacation weight has been banished to... um... hey, where does the fat go when we get rid of it? Is there another Lindsay in a parallel universe who just keeps getting fatter? Would that also mean there is a super-skinny Lindsay universe too, who sacrifices fat every time I gain weight? I guess that would mean I'm the Jerry Seinfeld Lindsay: even Steven.

Anyway! So yeah, at last check, my weight is at 150 which means I can say that I have lost 15 pounds in total since January. I am trying hard not to refer to this number sheepishly, because I feel like it should be a lot higher. And it would be, if I didn't keep veering off course with my eating habits. But you know, I'm still here, right? I'm still working out regularly. And I am still a person who struggles with binge eating disorder, so, hellz, 15 pounds is a-okay. I decided last week that I'd like to be 10 pounds less than I was on May 3 (the date I ran the Sporting Life 10k), when I run the Toronto Island 10k in the fall. So I have 8 pounds to go, which at my current rate is an achievable goal.

I need to make another video, I know. I haven't bothered with measurments for awhile because they haven't changed. But I can still make a video, just for shits 'n' gigs and to liven things up around here.

So, how are y'all doing? Making progress? In a holding pattern? Gaining? Feeling okay? Feeling frustrated? Avoiding feeling? Share, if you can or want. I think it helps everyone to know they're not alone, or to be inspired by those who are in a good place.

Jun 1: So much for that idea

2009-06-01T12:39:00.005-04:00

Uuuuhhh, hi.

So, yeah. Guess I'll be busting my hump 3 times a week with Derek for the next month. Heh.

I did try ... sort of... Okay, on Saturday morning in Vancouver, I got up early(ish), got into my workout clothes, went downstairs to the front desk at the crap-ass hotel (a near-constant comedy of errors) and asked where the fitness room was. No such thing, I was told. I could have sworn I saw pictures of it on the internet when I was booking the hotel.

So, I walked outside the hotel, looked around at the busy road and unknown area... aaaannnd... went upstairs and back to bed.

This sort of set the tone for the week to come. Ate my face off, sat around a lot, etc. Although, while in Vancouver with our friends, we did get out and about a lot. On Saturday we walked for the better part of 5 hours (at a leisurely snail-on-vacation's pace, so I didn't count it towards Derek's challenge). On Sunday, we went for a hike at Lynn Canyon that did feature a brief burst of aerobic activity when we climbed out of the canyon. But it was brief enough that I wouldn't feel right counting that day either.

On Wednesday, while visiting Dylan in Washington state, I got up at 6:45 and went to yoga with her. I even sweated! It was a 45 minute class and afterward we walked the dog for 20 minutes, so I'm gonna count that one. Thanks, Dylan!

After that, we were in the car for 12 hour days, and then crashing at the hotels we checked into, usually around 11:00 p.m. or so. We never even got up in time for the free breakfasts, let alone for me to get out and get some exercise in.

Also, I pretty much just said eff you cee kay it to the eating right business. Well, we did buy a veggie tray, some bananas and apples on Wednesday that I nibbled on in the car. And I got a disgusting salad one night for dinner at Crapplebee's. The next night we opted for KFC. Shudder. Sorry everybody. Je suis epic fail.

Yesterday I planned to run for an hour. I even told the Miaouw that I was getting ready to go for a run, at around 2. Instead I went for a nap. Did not get out of my PJs all day. This is embarrassing. Why do I tell you guys this stuff?

Anyway, back on track today. Dreading the weigh in on Wednesday, but it will be good to get honest and know where I stand.

How did y'all do last week? Lane? I hope you did better than me!

May 22: Derek's Throwdown

2009-05-22T12:35:00.002-04:00

So as of 4:31 p.m. today, I am on vacation. (... right; s'pose I should wait til then to write a new blog...)

I'm flying out to the Couve, where I shall meet my Miaouw for nine days of adventure. We are visiting the fabulous Chico and his mysterious Lady N, my Nana, and the beloved Dylan, driving through some of Canada's most beautiful scenery, and leaving a trail of mayhem and rubble in our wake. WORD!

Normally I get tortured twice a week by Derek, on Wednesdays and Saturdays. Since I'm leaving tonight, I thought I'd be getting by this week with just the one session on the rack. However, Master Pain very helpfully offered to abuse me on Thursday instead of Saturday. So on Wednesday we did upper body and last night we did legs and core and today I am feeling it.

So anyway... Derek asked me what my plan was for my vacation. I'm like, sit on my ass in the car and eat chips? Wrong answer. He says I have to do a one hour workout of similar intensity to what I do with him, FOUR times while I'm away. If I don't, he says he's gonna make me come in three times a week, instead of two, for the next four weeks, to make up for it. Meanwhile, I am paying this twerp for the extra sessions. But whatever. I loves me a throwdown.

We're staying at a HoJo's while in Vancouver (just the weekend), so I plan to work out for an hour in the fitness room on Saturday and Sunday. After that, I'm thinking strenuous hikes with the Miaouw a couple of times ought to do the trick. Failing that, I might go running.

So who's with me? Come on you schlubs! Help me out, help yourselves out! Pledge to get busy 4 times between now and next Sunday! Report back here! I will check in with you and we will hold each other accountable! Let's stick it to Derek!

Chall-anj!

May 20: The high cost of gaining weight

2009-05-20T09:16:00.005-04:00

Hey fwiendz...

I continue to struggle, but I valiantly fight on. I don't want to talk about my weight. I did muster the courage to get on the scale this morning. Bah. Well, I am working out with Derek tonight and tomorrow night, so I'm gonna check again on Friday. This will allow me a short period of time to bask in my hoped-for success before hopping on a plane to Vancouver on Friday night, where I will meet up with my very special Miaouw for a week of cavorting and eating crap in restaurants and sitting for long days in a car and thinking about maybe going for a run but opting for lying on the hotel bed instead. Okay, okay, I know, positive thinking!

Anyway. I wanted to talk a bit about how much it costs to be a binge eater. When I went for a brief six week treatment class after being diagnosed with binge eating disorder several years ago, one of the things they wanted us to do was to track our binges. I was surprised that one of the columns in the handout they gave us was to list the cost of the food consumed. Hunh. I really hadn't ever thought about it before, but for sure, writing it all down, I definitely started to see how costly it can be.

The thing is, when I give in to the dark call of the binge, I am acting on a compulsion. Logic, reason, thoughtfulness and planning go out the window. I don't think about the cost of any of it, I just want to get the stuff, get home and consume it. The less I have to think about it, the better. As you regular readers know, one of my favourite binge items is chocolates. Not just "chocolate". But like, a box of chocolates. (The variety pleases me.) So, I have become very knowledgeable about the various brands of chocolates out there (in the Canadian market anyway) and I do have my favourites. I like the Laura Secord miniatures, in part because they're all delicious (no coconut crap or disgusting oozy cherry shit in there), and also because the box is "only" 150 g (about 5.3 oz), so I don't feel as guilty eating the whole thing. Lately I have been indulging in the Hershey Pot of Gold milk chocolates, which used to be 454 g (GAH! 1 pound) but are now packaged as 283 g (a caloric bargain at only 10 oz).

(In case you wonder about eating an entire box of chocolates in one sitting, or perhaps two, if it's a one pound box, this is the nature of binge eating. I eat to satisfy the craving, and then when I start to feel sick, I continue eating to a) punish myself for being such a disgusting pig; and b) get rid of the stuff so I can start fresh the next day.)

Well anyway. The Laura Secord miniatures are $10 a box. Which I don't even register when I am wanting to binge. The cost means nothing to me. If I have several days in a row of "bad eating", I will look back at my credit card statement and see charges for $20-$40 for each day. At least.

I used to think that eating healthy food was pricey, especially in terms of the cost of fresh produce. And I know that there are all kinds of studies that say people from lower socio-economic means in our culture are trending towards obesity, in part because fast food is so much cheaper than healthy food. But for me, I spend way less money on food when I am eating right.

Food for thought. Heh.

May 12: Some days I really hate myself

2009-05-12T12:45:00.006-04:00

... sigh...

Fresh off the triumph comes the inevitable tumble into Shitsville, it seems. I don't know, guys. Why am I like this? I hate it. I hate me. On Sunday everything was going along fine, I shot footage for a video update, I had lost a couple of pounds, finally back in the 140s, was headed out to do some shopping and get some new jeans and such... and then... wha' happen?

Epic fail. Je ne understand pas. I started thinking about chocolates and soon nothing would deter me. On the way home I stopped and bought healthy groceries (good work) and then made another stop and got chocolates. Went home and ate the chocolates plus whatever else I could get my greasy paws on.

Then yesterday I was like, okay, that was a blip, back in form today. I went to work, hated my job, started thinking about chocolates again... and then I stopped on the way home from work, bought chocolates and some other shit, then on the way home from that stop, I saw a McDonalds and thought, what the fuck, and went in there too. It's like, I just went into this spiralling behaviour. This morning I didn't want to get out of bed. But I thought, what good is calling in sick going to do? What would you do instead? Lie around and cry about what a fat pig you are and then go eat some more? I went to work. I plan to run tonight after work, and to not eat crap again. Sometimes these things, they just run their course. Sometimes if I spend too much time consciously trying to talk myself out of it, I just end up spending more time in it. Whatever "it" is. I just know that I feel like shit, only want to sleep, feel like a failure, hate myself for wallowing, etc, etc.

I also know that this feeling won't last forever and I'll be back on the horse again soon. I don't know, maybe I just need to feel the lows in order to feel the highs. Maybe I'm just wired this way.

Do any of you guys relate?

May 6: video highlights from Sporting Life 10k run

2009-05-06T09:40:00.003-04:00

Hi guys!

Okay, I finally finished the damn video. I mean, the blessed video. One thing I didn't really explain in the video is the lack of footage of me finishing. (I kind of explained it already in my last blog when I mentioned the Miaouw's epic battle with the TTC...)

Anyway, yeah, my cameraman was unable to get to the finish line in time, what with my lightening fast speed combined with the epic fail of Toronto's public transit system on Sunday mornings. I felt so bad about that; after he'd made certain he could be here for the race and everything. Well, his presence here all week was wonderful and we had a blast and I was so grateful to have him here. He is making noises about joining me for the Toronto Island 10k run in September. Cool!

Anyway, blah, blah, blah, here's the viddie!

May 4: I am the champion!

2009-05-04T08:26:00.003-04:00

Hey guys, sorry I didn't post an update yesterday. I was hoping to have the video done, but there's a lot of editing needed because I'm adding subtitles to half the footage because it was so loud and the sound on the Miaouw's camera is not the greatest.

Anyway, I will post a blog with the video later. Possibly tonight.

So, the big event! I made it! I finished in a time that was faster than my best-hoped-for time. Unbelievable. Awhile back during training, I ran 5 miles in 59:48, which I thought was really great, because I was able to average 5 miles an hour, even with walking breaks. So with that time in mind (and the run being 1.2 miles short of a 10k), I calculated that if I could maintain that speed on race day, I could finish in 75 minutes.

Then I went to California and tried running outside in the gently rolling hills of Orinda. I'd been training all winter on a treadmill, and I hadn't even done any hill training on the machines at the gym because I was focussing on achieving distance. I have some kind of weird block about running outside, so I kept putting off doing any training outdoors. The California runs were a disaster; I gave up after 2k on the first day, and 1.5 k on the next. It was very disheartening. So I revised my estimated race day time. I thought, 75 minutes would be OUTSTANDING, 80 minutes would be really good, but most likely I would wind up somewhere between 80-85 minutes if my running in Orinda was any indication of how I ran outdoors.

So, guess what my time was. GUESS! Okay I'll tell you. I finished in 1:09:07. Yes, that's 69 minutes – faster than I ever imagined I would or could go at this point in my running ability. I know it's still pretty slow for a lot of people, but I was absolutely thrilled with the time. I felt pretty strong out there; I even ran up the few hills the course presented with relative ease. It was just freakin awesome.

A huge, massive shout out to my girl Christy, for getting up on a Sunday morning and dragging herself down to Yonge & Elm and giving me the best high five of my life and screaming and cheering for me as I passed. I wish I could have stopped to hug her. Next time we see each other, I'm gonna hug the stuffin outta you!!!

And of course, huge shout out as well to my Miaouw, for waking me up (almost missed the whole damn thing because I forgot to turn the volume up on my clock radio), going up to the starting line with me, and then struggling valiantly for the next hour and a half to make it to the finish line, though the TTC fought him at every turn. (The Yonge subway does not start operating on Sundays until 9 a.m., and of course the Yonge bus was being diverted -- all the way over to freakin Avenue Rd -- because Yonge St was closed for the race.) So, he didn't get to see me cross the finish line, but then again, all my fretting while I waited and waited and waited to be herded out with all the other runners to the exit was for naught, since he wasn't even there yet anyway. Seriously, it's totally ridiculous how they have the end of the race set up. You cross the finish line, totally psyched, and then there's this massive line up ahead of you of thousands of runners, walking at a snail's pace, if that, waiting to get our medals and then pass through the eye of the needle to the "post race party" (as if). It was totally insane. There wasn't even a water stand until I'd been waiting in line for 15 minutes. And by the time I was finally out of there, my legs were cramping from lack of stretching.

Well, whatever, who cares. We found each other, wandered around Harbourfront for the next hour and a bit, and had a victor's brunch at the Richtree Market in the BCE place. Then we went home and I napped for 3 hours.

THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU to all of you who've encouraged me to do this. And most especially to those who pledged my fundraising efforts for Camp Oochigeas. I didn't promote it at all, just through this blog, and even so managed to raise $300 for kids with cancer to go to camp and have a great summer. Everybody wins (but I am the champion, my friends)!

More later...

Apr 28: the amazing Google Maps Pedometer

2009-04-28T12:08:00.003-04:00

Check me out! I am back like I never left, filling up cyberspace with my relevance! BEHOLD!

Okay, relax.

Anyway, on my latest viddie I briefly mentioned the Google Maps pedometer as a very cool resource, and I thought I'd chat a little more about that today.

I first discovered this application through my mom, who found out from a fitness and nutrition counsellor she was working with at the time. This was the first and so far only time my mother has ever told me about something on the Internet. Mostly she just plays Bejeweled, and hey, who can blame her.

I don't think Google has actually leveraged this technology and branded it; there are a bunch of different apps out there that, I think, are just hacks of the Google Maps technology with some kind of fancypants javascript or, I don't know... AJAX or whatever people use to program cool stuff with these days. So, as far as I can tell, there's not one definitive pedometer map. I like this one because it has a feature that draws the route automatically for runners or cyclists (including curves in streets), which is neat, plus you can get Google to look up the elevations on your route too. You can also program it to count your calories, however reliable such things are.

So basically you just enter your address into the application, the way you would with Google Maps (or you can just zoom in to find it - it starts at a wide view of the US). You click the "Start recording" button on the left navigation panel, then double click the starting point on your map. Trace out your route by double clicking spots along the map. There's a counter on the left navigation panel that tracks your distance as you enter the route, which you can set at either kilometres or miles.

Here's my route for the 10k run on Sunday:

Apr 26: weekly results viddie, featuring LOLA!

2009-04-26T23:11:00.003-04:00

Hello faithful handful!

I had a lazy day with the Miaouw today. Had planned to do a run tonight but... didn't. Oh well. I made a new video for you anyway.

My thoughts are consumed with the Sporting Life 10k run next weekend. I'm nervous that I'm gonna suck out loud. I mean, I know, I know, it doesn't matter what my time is, at least I'm doing it, blah blah justificationcakes. I know that whatever happens this year will just be a starting point to measure my progress against in years to come. I think it's a good idea to think of it that way, as a multi-year plan, looking forward to sustaining an active lifestyle instead of just adopting it for a short period of time in an effort to lose weight.

I don't know if I'll ever get used to running outside (I always feel like I'm hurrying somewhere, like I'm late and panicky, instead of just settling into a rhythm, like I do on the treadmill), but I'll commit to doing at least this one run every year, and trying to improve my time. I may never try to run for a longer distance, who knows, but I will definitely continue to run after next weekend. I like the challenge, and I like pushing myself to better my numbers every week. For awhile I was running at 5 mph (which, who are we kidding, has technically got to be classified as a jog). Lately I push it up to 5.5 mph and see how long I can sustain that speed. Then when I run at "just" 5 mph, I feel like I can go for a lot longer before I need to rest.

I've decided that a time of 80 minutes next Sunday would be outstanding, but I would be happy with 85. If I come in past 90, I will have suffered out there. I did run 5 miles (8 km) in one hour on the treadmill, a week and a half ago. I don't know if I can do that kind of time running outside. We shall see. Fun! Well, thinking about it now is fun, and reflecting on it when it's over will be. I don't expect the run itself will be too, too fun. I think it will be something to endure and to feel powerful and accomplished about as soon as it's over.

Apr 23: Happy news!

2009-04-23T12:51:00.003-04:00

Hey gang,

I just found out that my Miaouw is coming to Toronto tomorrow night, and will be here in town for my 10k! I can't tell you what his support means to me. He's been trying to figure out a way to be here for it, because he knows what a big deal it is for me, but I'd resigned myself to it just not being in the cards, as far as his work schedule this time of year is concerned.

But he made it happen, cuz he's the best.

Hopefully this means there'll be some video footage we can put together and post on YouTube so y'all can share in the triumph as well.

Apr 23: The Prodigal Returns (with new viddie!)

2009-04-23T04:37:00.004-04:00

Ummm... hello?

Anybody still here??

Let me just dust off the keyboard and wipe away the cobwebs. Sorry I've been gone so long! Not sure exactly what happened there. A bit of laziness, a bit of diminished focus and engagement in the process, a lack of faith that people are still reading this... stuff like that.

But I do know from some of you that people are still reading (THANKS, you're the best) and wondering how I'm doing, and even looking to this blog to kick-start your own focus and engagement in the process, which kinda blows my mind. I LOVE US!!!

So, I took a few days off the eating right thing, and I took about a week off of the regular exercise business. Went up about 2.5 pounds. Frickin jeez, you know? It takes like, a month to lose that weight and it comes back on in a week. Gah. But actually, as of yesterday morning, I had managed to get the extra pounds offa me again, so maybe it was just a lot of water hanging around from all the salty badness. I will do an official weigh-in video this weekend, but yesterday morning my weight was 151.5.

Okay, I will blog more this week, about important and/or random topics. It's 4:45 in the a.m. right now so... what the eff am I doing up? Answer: I went to bed at 9 because I was fried and now my sleep schedule's all mucky. Added bonus: rambly blog.

Mar 31: Attitude is everything

2009-03-31T11:30:00.003-04:00

Hey gang,

Whaddya know, another video! I was feeling so good last night I decided to counter the sad little greenface viddie with something a little more upbeat.

I've been really trying hard not to let the lack of obvious markers of my progress bother me or derail me in my efforts. Some days have been better than others. And of course, when there are added life stresses like a cornholio boss at work, the challenge is even greater.

But yesterday at lunch I was watching some YouTube videos. I have been meaning to talk a little bit about the weight loss community on YouTube. I'm not too integrated - there just are not enough hours in the day to keep up with work, fitness, my current online community, and apathy (the biggest timesuck of them all), so joining another community would stretch me a bit thin. (Except... that pun is hardly apt.) Anyway. I do subscribe to a few YouTubers, and one of them is this crazy guy Greggers. He does fun stuff with his video software - I'd like to learn how to do some of the crazy stuff he does. He has an unfailing positive attitude, and I think I just felt inspired by that yesterday. Something just clicked for me, and I pulled out of the funk and got back to funky. Had an awesome run and am looking forward to more gym time tonight.

If you want to check out any of Greggers' videos, here's the link to his YouTube channel: http://www.youtube.com/user/thesiegster

And now, a positive video, brought to you by the always upbeat Craig Finn and his band, The Hold Steady:

Mar 29: New video and checking in

2009-03-29T11:49:00.003-04:00

Hi kiddies,

I've been slowing down in my blogging here, and have definitely been a bit... erm, slovenly in responding to your kind comments. I will do better. I think a big part of it is my struggle to get through this plateau or whatever it is. I'm trying not to get downcast about how slowly my body is reacting to all the exercise and such. It is really great news about dropping 4% in body fat. In fact the difference in poundage was only 3 pounds weight loss (which... grrrr!!!) and yet I am obviously a much leaner... or perhaps, less fatter...er... person. To drop 4% of body fat with just 3 pounds lost means I must be acquiring muscle mass. So, I gotta focus on that and just stay the course.

I weighed myself again this morning: 153, or maybe 153.5. Last week I was 154, and then 154.5, so I guess this is good news. Except that, it tells me that the weight gain last week wasn't just water or a blip of some kind, because I'm now just back to where I was two weeks ago. Oh well, whatever. It's not a race.

Anyway, I did a video on Friday night, expressing my frustration. I did it in greenface. No offense intended to the green community.

Thanks for continuing to cheer me on!

Mar 22: Frustrated

2009-03-22T11:56:00.005-04:00

I think I need to change my weigh in day. Why does my body hate Sunday? Is it some sort of latent rebellion against my fundamentalist teen years? Or... yikes... is God punishing me because it turns out he's a vindictive, sexist, white old man after all? I just don't understand it.

Okay, yes, I had the very minor slip up with the chocolates and the McDonald's. But that was a week ago. I worked out, ate right, and yesterday when I weighed myself, I was back on track, down a pound, at 152.5. Then I walked half an hour to the gym, worked out for an hour with Derek, ran for another hour on the treadmill, walked (stumbled) home, and ate reasonably. This morning, I weigh myself. 154. Come on. COME ON!!! I went and sat on the couch and sulked for 15 minutes, went to the bathroom, and tried again. 154.5.

AAAAAUUUUUUGGGGGHHHHH!!!!

Well, I'm not going to do a weigh in video today. I'm gonna see if God takes Monday off, and maybe sneak in a weigh in while he's not looking, and hopefully my weight goes back down again.

I am working out 5-6 days a week at this point, faithfully training for my 10k run, eating around 1300-1400 calories a day, plus or minus 200. There is no way I should be gaining weight. So, what can I do. Plug on. I was at least very encouraged by my first one hour session with Derek. He had me doing "super-sets", where we do a set of weights and then a 30 second interval of cardio, e.g. skipping rope. Haaaarrrrible. My calves are aching today as a result. He said he doesn't usually start clients on super-sets the first time they do an hour session, but he'd watched my running viddie and figured I could probably handle it. I felt really strong yesterday, so much so that I was able to put in an hour of running with walking breaks, to a total of 4.5 miles on the treadmill. I am Iron Man!

Anyway, whatever. I refuse to make myself sick over this. I am trying to live a more healthy lifestyle, and training any harder or eating any less is not going to be healthy. So, I just have to say the serenity prayer or something. Suck up to God, maybe.

Mar 19: mid-week viddie!

2009-03-19T08:44:00.003-04:00

Shot on location! This is me, catching up the YouTube crowd on what you all heard here first: I ate my face off on Sunday. Nice change of scenery for y'all, including distressing full body shot, all jiggly and such, for prolonged period. I am Iron Man!

In other related news, last night was my final intro session with Derek, my trainer (a.k.a. "Master Pain"). We had a nice long chat/consultation, and I re-upped for six months with him. I will now be seeing him for one hour sessions twice a week (previously half an hour) and watching whatever sweet income surplus my promotion in November hath wrought dwindle away. Oh well, it's worth it. I am focussed on achieving this goal.

Anyway, feast your eyes...

Mar 17: Life is like a box of chocolates...

2009-03-17T12:21:00.004-04:00

...you never know when you've gonna cave and buy a box of chocolates.

Okay, so, this past week, I was a MACHINE in the gym. I did cardio six days, for a minimum of 45 mins, but up to an hour (and on Wed/Sat when I met with my trainer, it was more like an hour and a half all tolled). It was great; I felt great. I'm definitely increasing my endurance as far as the running is concerned (on Friday night I was on the treadmill for 55 minutes! Some of it was walking but that's okay.)

So I guess I was thinking, jeez, with all this added exercise, for sure I'm gonna have a great week on the scale. And when I weighed myself a couple days before weigh in day, I was 152.5, which was 1.5 pounds down from the previous Sunday. Hoohoo!!!

So imagine my annoyance on Sunday when I got on the scale and it said 153.5. I know, I know, I'm not supposed to care about these numbers. YOU TRY not caring about the rassin-frassin numbers!! It is a life-long habit. Some weeks I am better at letting it roll off than others. Anyway, I know it's just chemistry or something. Not to mention my scale is a piece of unreliable shit.

So I went out for a nice long walk in the sunshine, like I said I would. About 3 hours. And on my way home, I picked up some groceries. Took my time, wandering the aisles, considering various sinful treats I might indulge in. And I didn't get any of them. But then I stopped at Shopper's Drug Mart and bought a box of chocolates. And then I stopped further up the street at McRaunchy's, of all places. But here is the (quite small) moment of (sort of) triumph: instead of a quarter pounder with cheese and medium fries, I got a cheeseburger and small fries. And then I went home and ATE IT AAAAAAALLLLLLLL!!!

So, I guess that's why I haven't posted a weigh-in video yet. I mean, I still lost weight. And I'm not even really sure why I caved. I think I was just missing the binge sensation. I don't know if any of you know what I'm talking about, but sometimes I just want that experience of getting lost in the food-drug. I was right back on track yesterday, though I didn't exercise, and I'm back on track again today, with plans to run tonight. That's one cool thing about getting into a regular exercise routine: I find I miss it when I take a day or two off.

Anyway, thank god that's over. One of the reasons I am chronicling this weight loss journey online is to make myself accountable. It's important that I share the slips as well as the great moments. Thanks for being here to bear witness.

PS the chocolate was delicious, until it got to be really gross and sickening.

Mar 15: grocery viddie

2009-03-15T13:40:00.002-04:00

Hi gang! For your viewing pleasure (except poor Mom), a new video. I know I owe you a weigh-in viddie, plus responses to your most recent comments (always, always appreciated) - I will try to have that baby up tonight.

Meantime, I recorded this yesterday and had to cut a ton of it out to get it under 10 minutes. Yikes! Sorry. Anyway, the YouTube dieting community (some time I will blog about this unexpected benefit of posting my weekly weigh-in viddies...) do these "grocery haul" videos that I find are really interesting and helpful in terms of getting new ideas for healthy eating, so I decided to do one of my own.

And now, I am going out for an epic walk. It is 9 degrees out there! Which is 48 in American. And it is, as they say, a bright (bright) bright (bright) sunshiney day. Later kiddies!

Mar 11: The Great D-Weighted Recipe Exchange

2009-03-11T09:35:00.004-04:00

Okay first of all: where is everybody? I miss youuuuu!!!

Next and more importantly. I just left a comment for my girl taarnagh on the Mar 9 video post to say, her suggestion of heating spinach and adding a bit of pesto and feta is magnifique! I love it and it's delicioush and spinach is one of those superfoods that makes you live longer than any of your relatives and anyway, y'all should try it.

It's amazing how one little suggestion or new recipe can have such a positive impact on one's resolve to continue with healthy eating. It really helped me get past the menu fatigue. So I'm encouraging everyone to leave a comment with a tip to jazz up a meal, or a failsafe recipe you can always rely on when trying to watch your calorie intake. Here's mine:

Pasta with clams and vegetables
(I used to refer to this as "Linguine with clam sauce" but I rarely use linguine, and there's really nothing saucy about the topping, unless you count the chef.)

Ingredients
1 can of clams (drain some of the juice but not all)
Lemon juice (I never measure - 2 or 3 tbsp, I guess?)
2-3 garlic cloves, chopped or minced
1-2 tsp olive oil
mushrooms
zucchini
asparagus
eggplant
(whatever!)
2-3 tbsp parmesan cheese
pepper

Okay, so this is the easiest recipe of all time. Heat the oil and garlic, and sauté the vegetables until they're nice and... sautéed. Add lemon juice, and let simmer for a minute or two, to let the flavour soak in. Then add the clams and juice, and leave everything on medium heat until some of the excess liquid is dried up from the heat. Add pepper.

With the pasta, I usually divide the parmesan and sprinkle some on the plain pasta and toss it before I top it off with the clams and veggies. Then top it off with the rest of the parmy. Done!

It's very low fat because there's no cream or anything in the sauce; it's just the flavour of the garlic, lemon juice and clam juice, which to me is delish on its own.

Okay, that's my contribution. What have ya got for me?